HF: Glad you're feeling such positive progress in hard times. What great evidence that TSM is working for you!

I share reservations about the book, especially the title. Good that it's out there. Bad that it offers an incomplete picture. It's just such a shame that there doesn't seem to be more real science being done to test/replicate the limited TSM studies.

Anyway, HF, you can tell a lot of people are rooting for you and are delighted by your commitment.

Hi HF, You are doing AMAZING with all these turns of events. Keep "accentuating" the positive. You are an inspiration.

Deja

Keep going HF..you are headed in the right direction! It will just get better and better

Week 12 is in the books. I had a week of with a couple of stressors, but neither impacted my drinking. When I noticed my lack of response to the stressors, I had forced two AF days. I found that I can be AF free for two days with no problems. That is until I start drinking again, I drink too quickly. Which is like Dr Sinclair's rats... So, right now, I know I can be AF for one day with no problem, but I shouldn't do two yet.

That said, it's going to be one AF free day each week minimum. That day was awesome! I felt so good.

Curi - my mother was prescribed that concoction by two doctors, who each know of the other and filled at one pharmacy....

An update for everyone, she is supposed to get out tomorrow. She told my brother she needs to go to meetings.... Scares me. Anyway, it has been a mess because they won't say anything, nor let her call in.

HF, I know what you mean about the AF days racking up. If I have three in a row I am usually itching to drink afterwards, whereas two is perfectly fine. I hope your mother is doing better. Hang in there and nal on,
EL

Hi HF

Well done on the AF days!
Maybe TSM would help your mom too? I hope you get to talk to her soon.
Keep up the good work.

Cheers
Sticky

Hi HF - glad to see you working some AF days in there. It is pretty awesome to get some natural upregulation. Good stuff.

I hope things get better with your mom, and everything works out for your family.

-H

Hi HF,

You're doing great! Could you do 2 AF days but maybe not together, say Sunday and Wednesday for example?

You know, maybe meetings might be a good idea for your mom, she had such a cocktail of mind altering drugs that she will need all the help and support she can get, coming off some of those drugs is HARD! I know I sound like I'm contradicting myself because I am against anything related to 12 steps but maybe you could look into support groups near her that aren't religious?

Curi

Another week down. I didn’t take an AF day this week, as I noticed my consumption went up immediately after I had two AF days back to back. Worse, the excitement to drink after I went two days was much more than normal. What I have learned is I can easily do one day, but I am not ready for two back to back. And I need to do AF days, but when my numbers stabilized from my last experiment, I stayed steady. I plan on Monday being an AF day this next week. Even marked it on a calendar!!!

ElectraLou has noticed something similar, and it would make sense. I am accustomed to a certain amount of drinking. If I don’t do that amount, there seems to be a mechanism that reminds me I am supposed to. At the core, my brain isn’t much different than a rat brain. Funny how the mind works.

This week, I had a few stressors, but am finally reworking all the moderation steps in to slow this train down. I could keep pounding the drinks long after I could stop. Sometimes , I am choosing to continue on for whatever reason. There is some effort to making the decision to stop. The difference with TSM is one has the choice. Without it, one’s choices are quite limited.

Curi, my mother lives in a rural area. The people there are extremely religious. Most would look at the 12 Steps and say they are quite right. One need only get closer to one’s deity to fix whatever is wrong. After all, the deity is all powerful, loving and perfect – she’s the one screwed up. They would never have the temerity to ask why such a being would create a situation where one’s reward system could become so perverted: that would simply be unthinkable!

The 12 Steppers did let her out. The good doctor gave her all of her prescriptions back, save elavil. She is still taking all the rest of it. Go figure. Maybe that was what did it. Who knows?

When she was left to her own devices, she was back with her running buddies. Not much my brother or I can do: she even called her estranged bum husband. So, it’s going to be out of our hands. She very well may end up doing herself in.

I appreciate all of your good wishes during the past few weeks. In hindsight, this has been good. I know I am getting better. I know alcohol has less hold on me. Every day, I become freer, less addicted. My mind is clearer. My anger is dropping.

I would like to post something I read quite often, actually write it in the back of every personal notebook, the memo pad of my phone. My computer. Everywhere. I didn’t really understand this, until I thought there was no hope. That I would be a drunk until I died. Then the grit of the poem stuck with me:

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how straight the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul

William E. Henley

This poem is something from years ago and I only remembered the last lines. I kept repeating those over and over, but not the full poem. I was revisiting some philosophy from my earlier life a couple of years ago, grasping at straws really, I ran across the poem. It struck a nerve. I kept repeating it, because at the time, I was on my way to the bottom.

I think the philosophy of life I was trying so hard to implement paved the way for TSM. I was ready to follow the directions, without deviating. The drive to replicate the results of the COMBINE study is important to me now. On top of that, I can see me finally implementing my philosophy, living it day to day, because I can control myself now. Externals, especially alcohol, are having less and less effects upon how I choose to live my life. And I can focus on living a good life, one that minimizes regret and maximizes joy.

So, to that end, Happy Thanksgiving!!! May each of you find something you are thankful for, and have a wonderful day!

Great post, HF. Loved the poem and how you are weaving its message into your life.

You've got a whole lot of strength going and I know you'll get where you aim to be.

Happy Thanksgiving!