I think I have reached a milestone with TSM. It has been about 6 hour since I took the nal. I planned on drinking hard. And I have reason to drink. I have drank about half of a 1.5 liter bottle of merlot so far. I may finish the whole thing. I may not. Before I started TSM, I would be absolutely trashed right now. But I am not. I have a clear mind. As far as stressors go, I have a good one today. I found out my mother made a serious attempt at suicide. She may have succeeded. We won’t know until the morning and I am far away. I may never see her again and my last words with her were angry.

I started off to get smashed and hide from reality. Now, I sit here lucid. Nearly sober. And not too terribly interested in drinking. I guess this is what a non alcoholic does: face life’s troubles without getting shitfaced. I wasn't going to post about this, but if it keeps me at lower levels right now, it works. And I didn't even think about cheating and not taking the nal

So much for that jerkoff doctor telling me this is an excuse to drink. I didn't need one before. And tonight, I have a helluva excuse.

Dear HF, I am so sorry to hear that awful news. What a tragic event.

You are to be commended for how bravely you are facing it. Our thoughts are with you at this difficult time...

Take good care of yourself,
G.

Morning HF,

I'm very sorry to hear about your Mom. I'm really hoping that she's okay. How sad for you and your family. As for being lucid and clear minded after drinking quite a bit, I can relate becuase I too have been experiencing drinking without getting trashed. It comes and goes though, sometimes I'm clear headed and sometimes not. I can't count on the Nal all the time. But its been happening more and more lately.

Well, please know that my thoughts are with you today. I hope she pulls through alright....

Best,

Hi HF,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, and I hope she pulls through. I give you all the credit in the world for dealing with this with a clear head, as it would be such an easy excuse to cheat on the Nal and slip into oblivion. You are right though - this is how non-alcoholics deal with life's problems, and I commend you for your bravery.

My thoughts are with you, buddy.

-Hesster

Best wishes HF. This is a really tough moment and you deserve the support you need. Let us know how you're doing.

HF, My thoughts are with you and your poor mother. That you would share such an awful situation in your life while detailing its effect on your drinking (which was nil) is a gift to this community, because it shows TSM IN ACTION! Thank you for this generous and brave act. You are enduring the worst of triggers or "reasons to drink," without drinking alcoholically. I hope you see this as a huge victory, even if it is alongside such terrible pain. It is truly inspiring to me and I trust to all of us. Please let us know what is going on and let us support you through this.

Warm wishes,

Deja.

on no!!! - so sorry HF. i hope she is okay and that you are too. i'm glad you are handling things okay with the drinking. if you can get through this, you can get through most anything.

--pp

Thanks for the good wishes. It really helps emotionally. She made it through the night on a ventilator. She had taken enough drugs to kill herself, but she vomited thankfully. However, she had ingested enough to kill her: she actually stopped breathing after she arrived at the emergency room. If my brother had been even a few minutes later getting there, she would be dead. She had taken enough pills to either relax or paralyze her diaphragm to the point she couldn't breathe on her own. This morning the effects of the drugs had subsided enough to take her off the ventilator. She is going to be a guest of her state for a while, as the law is if you do that, the state considers you a hazard to yourself or others. She will be kept two weeks to a month.

She has a substance abuse problem. Her drug of choice is different than mine. It really is no worse. She will have to face her monkey, too. She may not have the benefit of a helper like nal. The part that is odd is all of her drugs come from a prescription. They have messed her up much worse than alcohol and she started down the road with the help of learned doctors. Just like the jerkoff who told me nal was "an excuse for me to drink."

I didn't finish the bottle. I drank less than 2/3 because I poured out a good bit of the last glass and went to sleep. Not like I am going to keep drinking when I just can't stand drinking any more of it. I was in a foul mood, but I didn't get tanked. I went to sleep, barely feeling any alcohol effect. Mostly the beginnings of a hang over.

Am I through drinking? No, I am having a glass of wine with my meal tonight. Do I still drink a lot? Yes, but over many hours. That's more of habit than anything else. Something that aggravated me last night was when I thought about that doctor wanting to give me all kinds of pills. He would have taken my one addiction and given me a worse one. Thankfully, I knew enough to pass on his "help." I may still be drinking, but I am not completely out of my mind or important parts not working. I thought about it while I was sitting here.

It dawned on me that what I was experiencing was a heavy duty trigger. And that I was behaving. You all have shared so much of what has happened, I thought some good could come from this by showing TSM works. Slowly. Inexorably. But it does work. I didn't wake up with a magic beer chariot ride. Or in the drunk tank. Or lose friends for deciding that the rules no longer apply to me. No, I went to sleep. Nearly sober. In more ways than one.

I want to say thank you to everyone again for your good wishes. It meant a lot and warmed my heart!

HF, I am just seeing this now. I am so glad that your mother pulled through and I can't imagine how horrible this situation must be for you. I agree with others however in saying that this is, unfortunately, a true test of your strength. And you should feel proud about not drinking alcoholically through such a terrible event, because it means that your behavior and drinking patterns really are changing due to TSM. I hope that your mother can get the help that she needs - maybe there is nothing quite like nal, but maybe professional help would be useful nonetheless. My thoughts are with you,
EL

Wow. Heavy stuff.

Those damn prescriptions kill more people than we'll ever know. Highly addictive crapola. Like that synthetic heroin call oxycotin. And it's pefectly legal!!! And yet smoking a green plant will get you locked up. It is just ludicrous. People don't stand a chance once they're in the thick of it narcotically. I am glad your mom made it through. Now you have a second chance to make your words to her less angry and more loving, eh? Because love is all that matters and it's the only thing we take with us anyway.

How scary though. I can't even really wrap my brain around it. My mom is a tower of strength... and you know what? This too shall pass. We arrive in diapers and most of us apparently will leave the same way. White light around this entire situation.

On a more optimistic note: You are behaving your way into new thinking!!!! That's awesome progress!!!! Keep up the great work!

I love this forum and I am deeply moved by everyone's candid truths shared here.

Thank you,

Ketchikan1