Well today’s the day I receive my Nal, and so the journey begins. Hopefully, it will be smooth sailing for me, my wife, my kids, grandson and everyone I’ve ever affected by my addiction. I’m sure I’ll run into a few storms and rough seas along the way, and I’m optimistic and encouraged through my motivation, determination and the support of my wife, kids, and everyone on this site that I won’t end up in the Bermuda Triangle and disappear or worst yet lose my lovely wife .

I’m compelled to tell my story for several reasons. First, I need to write about it so I for one can completely own up to my addiction, truly see the errors of my ways, and, also to introduce myself and ask for your support to help me along the way. I also plan to be there for you now and in the future, and hopefully I’ll make a few friends along the way.

I’m 47 years old and have been addicted to booze, pot and other substances since I was 15 years old. My addictive personality also includes a gambling problem which I overcame after losing $14,000 in one week and finding out my best friend (I had no idea he gambled) who borrowed $6,000 from me to pay for his wedding was in debt over $60,000 to a bookie and his wife was leaving him (she was also one of mine and my wife’s dearest friends). That was an eye opener and I immediately quit approximately 11 years ago. I’ve had several other addictions which I’ve been able to quit or at least get under control, from smoking pot everyday in high school, to taking acid 20 weekends in a row. I was eventually able to quit taking acid, because on one particular night six of us decided to go to my friend’s cottage on the lake and “borrow” his brothers Bronco and go four wheeling. Only problem was we first had to drive approx 15 miles down an old two lane highway to get there. Every one of us was drunk, high and accept for the driver we were on 1 hit of acid, he was on 3 hits. To make a long story short, the exit ramp didn’t go straight and traveling at about 60 miles an hour we went off an 8 foot embankment and landed about some 50 to 70 feet in the median, and all I can remember is that we laughed hysterically for what seemed like forever. We finally got to the cottage and eventually stuck the bronco in mud up the door frame. I woke up the next morning having thrown up and passed out and made the decision never to do acid again, because we should have died that night! I also quit smoking pot shortly after that for quite some time, and during my 6 ½ years serving in the military I only did it every 4th of July. I still smoke a little now and then, but it doesn’t control me.

So why can’t I just quit drinking. I’ve overcome so many other addictions just by saying enough is enough? I’ve had so many really bad nights; tirades, verbally abusing my wife, my kids, my brother, friends, other family members, breaking things, blacking out (a lot),etc. So again, why? I can’t remember the last AF I’ve had. I know I haven’t had more than 10 AF’s over the last two years, and I think 10 is stretching it. You would think I would have quit when one of my closest friends died in her sleep from a heart attack two years ago (age 37) from abusing alcohol, energy drinks and smoking (I did her eulogy). Perhaps, I should have woken up and quit after forcefully putting my oldest daughter in to rehab (3 to 4 different times). She was so bad (I’m sure thanks in part to the wonderful role model of a father she had), I spent many nights running in and out of the worst bars around trying to find her in order to help her. The owner of the bar she frequented the most and his bouncers knew me by name, and they never gave me any problems (this was not a nice establishment). Why, well when you take 15 of your friends into the bar buy them all drinks and tell the owner that if he doesn’t call you if he sees your daughter we are all coming back and it won’t be pretty. Anyways, she’s on the run after stealing $6,000 from me and my wife. I eventually get a call around 2:00am from the owner of the bar. My wife and I go get her, wacked out on Oxy we take her home and put her under house arrest. I call one of my buddies and have it arranged by the Judge in charge of the “drug court” to have her put in jail and in the drug rehab program. If she doesn’t successfully complete the program, she’ll have to spend 6 straight months in jail and be on probation for 11 months and 29 days, now that’s tough love and what you would call forced rehab!

Well she’s better now and going to college, but here is her dear old dad still drinking every day (“Do as I say, not as I do” – Wow, what a great role model). Why? I don’t know why accept that it makes me feel good, and various other reasons.

Finally after years of somewhat controlled alcohol abuse I finally did it; the straw that broke the camel’s back. I ruined my wife’s vacation this year, not once, but twice. See this last week I took her on another vacation to make up for the one I ruined 6 weeks earlier by being stupid drunk and verbally abusing her one night. I felt so bad, I bought her a bunch of clothes from her favorite store, and scheduled another vacation to try and make it up to her. So, what did I do; of course I proceeded to get really drunk on the 6th night of our 7 night vacation (Not that I wasn’t drunk every day, but you know what I mean, DRUNK) and I verbally abused her again. So the next morning I apologized, she forgave me, and then I proceeded to drink all day (heavily I might add) I got so drunk I became delusional and yep, I did it again. WOW! How in the world can a man who has so much, who loves his wife dearly be so out of control and mean? After all, she didn’t do anything.

She has stood by my side for 28 years (some really good years and some very tough ones), she’s the love of my life, the best wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, and friend anyone could have. Her friends call her the “good wife”, and not because she lives with a drunk, because for the most part our friends love to be around both of us. I’m typically the life of every party. See accept for a view times around our friends and I mean very few, they all see me as “Good Time Charley”, and if I do act stupid they just chalk it up to, well that’s not him, he just had a little too much. See very few of them see how much I drink, or know how much I drank before I even got there. Moreover, my wife is not only a saint on the inside, she is absolutely gorgeous on the outside; the total package! Women admire her, love her and adore her, and Men gawk at her and both our male and female friends aggravate me by saying “How in the world did you ever get her”, and I just laugh, and say what’s not to love. She is absolutely unequivocally the sweetest kindest most caring loving beautiful wonderful woman I know, and I can’t imagine living one day without her.

So here in lies the rub. I love my wife and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and to always, each and every day (not 360 out of 365 days a year) be a good husband and role model for my kids, grandson and future grandchildren. The problem is, I love to drink and I mean really drink and I have tendencies (more so lately) to get really mean. For the most part, I love who I am when I’m drinking, my friends think I’m funny and fun to be around, again for the most part, not all the time and that’s one of many of my drinking problems. I haven’t even talked about professional life, but that’s for another time. So I ask myself and it scares me; who will I be if I’m not drunk at parties? Will “Good Time Charley” just vanish or can “Good Time Charley” gain control of his drinking and be more fun, and happier than he’s ever been in a long time. Well I think so, and I have to because for the first time in 28 years my lovely wife has informed me that if I don’t get it under control she won’t be around and she means it this time, no doubt about it.

The good news is that she is completely on board with TSM, and she has agreed to read the book (which arrives today). She has also read several of your stories on the website, and she is optimistic and hopeful I will “be cured”. “Cured”, what does being cured really mean? Well, again this is another reason why I’m so lucky and thankful to have this lovely woman in my life. She doesn’t care if I drink the rest of my life. She simply just wants me to get it under control. Control meaning; that I don’t get drunk, I don’t drink every day, no more blackouts, tirades, stupid accusations (jealousy, threatening bodily harm on guys that talk to her), verbal abuse, etc. So again, I’m extremely lucky all I have to do is get it under control, learn how to just get a good buzz, maintain control, achieve 4 AF’s a week. Wow, sounds simple enough, wish me luck, because I need it and I desperately want it to achieve this goal to not only salvage my marriage, but to make it better.

Again, I’m so very lucky because she told me the other day “I’m Gonna Love You Through It”. The sad thing is we heard that song for the first time at her brother’s (age 49) funeral last month. He lost his battle with lung cancer (I was a pallbearer-two of his brother’s weren’t). Therefore, the song has a special meaning to both of us and for her to say those words I’m so very grateful because I know she wouldn’t say it if she truly didn’t mean it.

O.K. sorry about the book and a brief synopsis of my life story, addictive behavior, but it has helped me by writing this and if you’re still with me, perhaps you can help me with one more thing. How many units do I average? I had this discussion with the good doctor, Dr. Major (whose son happened to play on my grandson’s baseball team this last spring. I almost **** my pants when he walked into the room, I had no idea the man I was referred to was him) wasn’t 100% sure, but he thinks a half gallon of alcohol is 33 units; I thought it was 43 units. I’ll break my weeks into the 3 different types of weeks I have, and if someone can help me, I’d like to know the good (lol), the bad and the ugly.

• Good week - half gallon of Seagram’s 7, a fifth of Vodka and approximately 36 beers
• Average week – half gallon and fifth of Seagram’s 7, a fifth of Vodka and approximately 24 beers
• Lately – 2 half gallons of Seagram’s 7, half gallon of Vodka, and approximately 36 beers

Well I pick up my Nal later today from the pharmacy, so the journey of being “Cured” begins and I’m hopeful there are lots of “Red Sky’s at Night”. “Red sky and night, sailors delight, Red sky in morning sailors take warning” Till next time, may your journey be smooth sailing and may you also have many Red sky nights.

To my lovely wife: I love you with all my heart!!!

Thank you for the truthful introduction. I agree, it helps to get everything out on paper (so to speak) and face our demons. Welcome to the board - you'll find it's a very caring community and full of advice. I think the number one factor working in your favor is the fact that your wife is on board with tSM. I know it can be very hard for people when they are hiding TSM from their spouses, or their spouses don't support them. Just follow the golden rule (nal+onehour before drinking) and try to be patient. Know for yourself and for your wife that TSM takes months, and almost always longer than the 3-4 months promised in the book. Read other people's stories and you'll get a better idea of how long it takes to get cured.
Good luck!

Welcome Red Sky and thanks for the detailed and honest post. The sailing metaphor works for me. My screen name -- Tiller -- is about the fact that I have chosen to redirect my life and steer away from the evil things booze is doing to my life. My voyage is just beginning but I'm determined.

Your post is full of great reasons to change your own course. Hang in there and ask for the support you deserve as you make this big, positive move.

welcome aboard, red!

i can't wait to hear all about your journey to CONTROL! it's great that your wife is behind you. it's clear you love each other very much and have been through a lot. come to the board, read and post, it's quite helpful, especially in times of doubt, which happen to most of us at some point. just remember tsm can be a slow, under-the-radar, type of process, but you will get there.

nal on!
-pp

ElectraLou, Tiller and Pickledpepper,

Thank you for your reply's as I really appreciate it. I've got a lot to learn about where to post and what to say, but just typing (talking) makes me feel better. It's like I've got people that understand my addiction and it feels good to know I have your support. What concerns me / scares me, is that my unit intake seems to be on the extreme for what I've seen posted. If I know how to add my units and I'm honest with myself, which I am (that's new in itself) I average around 120 to 150 units on any given week and that's being nice to my self. However, I know I'm going to be in the 80%, I promised myself and my wife. I've overcome so many addictions I'll overcome this one.

I'm only eight units in tonight, down 10 from a normal night, so I feel good, but not hammered like normal. I need to talk to remind myself of how I was / going to be. So, please bare with me, as I remind my self and share with my new friends.

I was given (believe it or not, I changed a lot after high school) a full ride ROTC scholarship to a major university. After graduating with honors, I was given a Top Secret SBI security clearance and was the site security officer in charge of a Top Secret and the only *** storage site in the armed forces. Additionally, I was in charge of internal security for a nuclear weapons storage site during the INF Treaty and actually got to walk around with U.S. Generals, U.S. inspectors and the Russians as they inspected and insured we were complying with the INF Treaty.

It's crazy who I've become. I was on stage with President Regan, Howie Mandell and others (guy from Planet of the Apes, can't remember his name) during a T.V. show celebrating the return of soldiers after Desert Storm.

Well 8 drinks in tonight, going to drink a beer and celebrate that I'm 10 units under normal and go to sleep... I hope!

Thanks for listening, your comments and encouragement.

BTW... My wife is awesome, and I'll never make it with out her. Here is to never hiding bottles of booze in my office, not drinking 6 units in 30 minutes while she takes her bath at night... Salute!

It's not exactly a Red Sky to night, but it's definitely not going to be a Red Sky tomorrow morning.

Till next time..... THANKS!!!

Hi there RedSkyAtNight,

Thank you for these thoughtful and detailed posts. It seems like you've lived quite a life so far.

Don't be too worried about your pre-TSM unit intake. What I've found over the past few weeks is that it is almost impossible to continue having such heavy weeks on Nal. I was up there pretty high as well (between 80-100), but I gradually felt that drinking as much as I was seemed like having another full-time job. I would literally have to spend every minute that I wasn't at work (or in some situation unable to drink) tanking beers and whiskey to put up the totals I typically put up.

Once I started treatment, my numbers almost immediately halved themselves as I started to break my daily routine of habit-based drinking. Don't be surprised if you see your totals drop significantly at first and then plateau at about a 60-70 unit/week level. That will still seem high to you, but remember that you're drinking HALF of what your were drinking pre-TSM. It's all about YOUR relative progress.

As a quick aside - my grandfather on my mom's side served in WWII (somewhere up north, and something submarine-related). He used to tell us stories about his time in the war, and while I can't remember a lot of the details (I was a little fella when he passed), one thing that he always used to say was the "Red sky at night..." mantra. Hoping for a lot of sailor's delights for you, sir.

Best of luck.

-H

Hi Hesster,

I really appreciate your comments, guidance and encouragement. I particularly found your comment about drinking heavily seems like a full-time job because in order to drink as much as I do, and you did, that it is another full-time job. I’m looking forward to the days that it’s just a part-time weekend job. I also know that I must change my daily habits and find other enjoyable activities so that I to can also change my daily routine of habit-based drinking.

Congrats on your progress to date, 3 AF days last week is awesome! I wish you lots of continued success and hope you reach YOUR goals and have many more Red Sky’s at Night!

On a side note: UKblonde replied to my introduction with the following: Red sky at night, shepherds delight. Red sky in the morning, shepherds warning

What’s interesting is that I’d never heard that saying before and ironically my middle name is Shepherd.

Till next time, may your journey be smooth sailing and may you also have many Red sky nights.

If you're lucky, you'll find that as you lose interest in drinking, you will gain interest in other things, and it will be a cinch to fill the time with pleasurable activities. Filling my time was only ever difficult when I was abstaining from alcohol because I didn't think I could control it. Then it just felt like a big gaping void in my life. Now, I wonder how I ever found that much time for drinking!!! (Which isn't to say I don't spend quite a bit of time drinking/recovering from drinking still, unfortunately...)