Great week HF. Can't believe you were at double the units just a year ago. You are doing fantastic! Keep up the good work.

Best

Hi HF,

Your progress looks great, buddy. I can totally relate to how bizarre it feels to pour out a drink at the end of the night when you just don't feel like finishing it. Not so long ago, I would often pass out with a unfinished beer on my nightstand. What would be the first thing I did when I woke up? Pound that sh*t...workday or not.

Keep up the good work. We're slowly getting our lives back.

-Hesster

Hello, my TSM friends! I have been sort of occupied this week, but now that I am no longer occupied, I figured I would do a proper update. EL's advice has served me well. I have moderated. Unfortunately, this week, my numbers may be up a bit. I am finding that external factors can trigger me to drink again. It's a stress response thing.

At one time, I was highly critical of fat people who ate too much in response to stress. I am finding I am not much different. I just drink a lot. In my defense, drinking makes things more tolerable short term. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. But when you sober up, the damned aggravation is still there. And probably worse. It isn't like making pearls. More like making kidney stones....

That said, I was surprised to have a thought cross my mind: I have not cheated ONCE on TSM. Not one time. Go figure. Guess that makes me highly motivated? I hope so. I really hope my improvement keeps up and I finish within the next eight weeks. Be nice to have an AF free day. I can feel the nal weighing down on me sometimes. It's hard to put your finger on, but I feel better in the afternoons, when my dosage is wearing off, but then somewhat numb when I take my next dosage in preparation for drinking. I am going to force an AF free day soon. How much of what I do is habit versus necessity?

But, I am alive. I am safe. My numbers are generally downward. Not trying to sound like a stepper, but I have much to be thankful for. My philosophy of life demands I take notice of that.

your numbers are looking GREAT, hf! you do have a lot to be thankful for- we all do - finding this life changing program! you are committed and that's basically what you need to be successful. nal on!

Not cheating once on TSM IS something to be proud of. I am not capable of saying that I did "forget" to take nal with me when I went to go visit my parents for a few days at the beginning of my TSM days, and I have used 25mg instead of 50mg sometimes, occasionally with bad consequences. You should be thankful and proud - great progress is happening already, and you are taking control of your life.
EL

Thanks for the encouragement! I had a stressor this week and my numbers went up. It dawned on me, I drink to make some situations bearable in the short term. That knowledge infuriates me. I am impatient. All things in their own time is something I have to work hard to remember. Like everyone else, I want it all. And I want it right damned NOW!!! LOL

I am learning things about myself. And why I do the things I do.

Today, I am one more day closer to my goal: my life back. My life without subjugating my will to a damned compound. Tomorrow will be another precious day. Soon, all my tomorrows, how many or few that may be, will all be mine again.

My numbers are up significantly for the week. Work stunk. Had someone aggravate the crap out of me in my personal life. So, I was stressed pretty much the whole week. The last two days were me just drinking to drink. Both days, I actually asked the question, do I really want to drink? The answer was yes. But I did think about it.

The good thing about doing TSM, is I am not feeling guilty about the whole thing. While it's true I drank way too much, that's all it means. I don't have to crawl back and confess.

What did I learn? If people or situations aggravate me, I like to time travel. Being buzzed helps me tolerate others somewhat better! Now, I have to figure a non drinking way to handle those situations. As I extinguish my habit, I am sure I will come up with something.

Hang in there HF. It's early days.

I think that thinking whether or not you want to drink is a big step. Eventually, you'll get ot the point where you realize, no I don't really want to drink...

Last night, I was drinking hard again. When I opened the last one, I drank a couple of drinks. And thought, "the hell with this," and poured it out. Only problem was it would have been number 12. Tonight, I took my nal almost two hours ago. I had to put an unopened hot beer back in the fridge to get another one. Still haven't opened it. Not saying I won't. But it's an odd feeling.

It's like having one foot on the brake and one on the gas. Part of me doesn't care one way or another. Another part wants its buzz. It's conflicted.