Sorry to contribute to the hijacking, Ketch, but I have to chime in here!

Concerning sober sex, like others I had to think really hard about the last time I've actually done this. No idea. In fact, this made me think about my senior year of college. I had been seeing a girl exclusively (more or less) for the duration of the year, and we were HAMMERED almost every night...literally all the time. When we finally had sober sex for the first time about 3 months after graduation (we had been intimate for at least 2 years by this point), we were both so weirded out afterwards that we had to have a huge talk about it. Ridiculous.

As an addition to some of Andy's comments, oh man have I been in some of these situations. My Black Out City excursion 2 weekends ago in NYC was one such example. The next morning, when the poor girl I had gone home with was doing her hair in her bedroom, I had to "discreetly" go through her mail to find her name on an envelope. Shameless.

I've also found that having a GPS on my iPhone has been invaluable in these situation. Several times over this past summer (pre-TSM, and the worst my drinking had ever been), I had to use the GPS to figure out where the hell I was when waking up next to a girl. I was often wayyyyy off from where I thought I was (sometimes in an entirely different state). It was such a terrible feeling, and I won't miss it.

Anyway - good luck getting some sexy endorphins!

-H

I guess immaturity was not exactly the word I was looking for ... what I meant is that by going through life experiences sober, you have to learn to deal with all sorts of feelings, sometimes extremely unpleasant ones. When you turn to any sort of compulsive behavior, like drinking, you are not actually "coping" with your feelings, you are trying to blot them out. So when you take that out of the equation and go back to experiencing life without blotters well...sometimes it can be overwhelming for people...kind of like being a 14 year old again. I didn't mean to suggest that we drinkers aren't capable people in a whole lot of other ways (including professionally) but we do TEND to be emotionally problematic...usually not wanting to feel our negative emotions and trying to run away from them. As I once told my therapist though...there's no shame in that! Bad feelings are bad! That's why I don't want to feel them

Sorry El,

The boys simly read the word "Sex" .. ignored the rest of what you wrote and then thought about one thing only...

Maybe we'll start a new post on this topic: Sex and Alcohol... for men only. Then we can allow Ketch to get back to her Journal

sex is best when a little buzzed, if i'm too drunk it's not, ummmmmm, fulfilling. i'll take sober any day of the week. it's probably why i'm a morning girl, unless i'm hangin', which has been less days than it used to be!

ketch -good luck in florida and in the new city. can't wait to read about all your new adventures!

--pp

Away from the sex theme, let's turn our attention to Ketch's poison: Black Crack. AKA Jager Meister.

Though you'd find this video of some crazy guy drinking Jager at a German Rave: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lJT3lXYAuA&NR=1

Hey Everyone....

I've got to get this out and on paper, virtual or not.

I am hot off the tail of YET ANOTHER two day bender. This is the vicious cycle in which I find myself lately. Of course, followed by EVERY bender is the unshakeable "vampire" day. But I think a name change is in order, because it is not from depression or anxiety that I don't want to venture outside, it is more or less becoming a private day of recovery. Nursing the aches and pains of a severe hangover. So, maybe I will instead call these types of days "R & R & PJ" Day. Rest, Recovery and Pajamas.... oh my.

Mind you, I am still filming me. Oh yes, I have been covering my own treatment from the very start when I uttered the first confession into my Flip camera, "Hello, I am ravaged." That was in March. I film myself totally wasted. And this past binge was no exception. Let me say that I am completely harmless in my activity. I play my beloved IPod that I affectionately call Binky, very loudly. Well, if it's too loud, you are too old. So there are clips of me jamming out to Kleerup, Citizen Cope, No Doubt and THEN there is a teary-eyed clip of me crying to the Commodores', "Still."

For goodness sake!

I'm so dumb drunk, playing the role of an emotional DJ.... elated and then melancholic; flying high and then sinking into the depths. Geez....

I have this opinion and I want to know what you think. I believe that when we drink and really get drunk our true selves emerge, whether that true core is angry or sad or jovial or combative-- drunk is the key that opens us wide open.

Anway, there is good news to report. My benders are lasting no more than two days and that is a wonderful thing since my last long binge was eight days in total. I can't imagine binging for that length of time EVER AGAIN. I think that that kind of continued drinking for more than a week is extinguished. And I am proud to report that all I drank in this last two day period was one bloody mary and then beer. 30 units total and NO Jaeger!!!! Even though I have a couple shots worth in my freezer. No craving for it. None at all.

So there we have it. Also, I removed myself from Match.com and wrote to the cute guy I've been communicating with in a private e-mail. I wrote, "I removed myself from Match.com because I want to explore the possibility of us. Thought you would like to know..........."

Of course I wrote that drunk and now I don't know if I should have. Haven't gotten a reponse and it could go either way, he could be flattered by my gesture or scared off by my being presumptuous.

Dunno.

It's getting better finally for me. Whew.

About time,

Ketchikan1

glad to hear it's getting better ketch! and 30 units and no jaeger is a DISTINCT improvement! I also hope things with the match guy work out, but I would advise you to focus on your drinking and getting it under control before really delving into a relationship. It might just be too much to handle all at once.
I fear I have to disagree with you, though, on the whole "drunk self is our true self" thing. I think a little bit of alcohol loosens our inhibitions and maybe makes us more truthful. Massive amounts of alcohol, though, are akin to poisoning both your body and brain. I strongly believe that some of the things i have done or felt while drunk were not "me", but the by-product of a chemical reaction in my brain. I've felt suicidal while drunk, for instance - while NEVER EVER having even the glimpse of a suicidal thought while sober. I do not think I am secretly suicidal and alcohol "lets it out" - I think alcohol is a depressant, and that combined with the specific makeup of my brain chemistry means that sometimes it will deplete all my serotinin and make me super depressed.
I used to think that the drunk me was the "real" me, and certainly the "best" me - fun, easy-going, energetic, full of enthusiasm, popular, etc etc. I think hanging onto that belief was actually very detrimental for me, and retarded my progress for a long time. Now that I've come to accept that I am a worthwhile person without the booze - and that yes, I have the party side in me, but lots of other sides too, that the alcohol would just blow past - I feel a lot more sane, a lot happier, and my drinking is going down. Just some food for thought, I guess.

I don't think everyone would agree with that "true self" emerging when one drinks, unless your true self is a drunk. In any case, in medical school one learns the following fundamental stages of intoxication: jocose, bellicose, lachrymose, comatose [playful, argumentative/fighting, tearful, sleep]

Hi Ketch

Glad to hear the binges are getting shorter. And well done for staying away from the Jaeger.
Good luck with the new man!

Cheers
Sticky

I feel like shite. It's my tummy among other things.

I had two AF days and then yesterday, after hiking, I decided to buy a bottle from my past: A 1.5 litre of Pinot Grigio. I knew I was in trouble by glass two. Why? Well the liquid was going down too fast and easy. I polished it off within a couple hours and then in a grey-out I called my fisherman friend to cop some speed. Stupid.

Usually I stay far, far away from all drugs... but in my drunken state, I seek out a boost that will send me high and in the other direction. The crap was terribly overpriced and just kind spun me out with activities at first, ending the evening with a major headache and a mild case of paranoia. Mild meaning that the voices were there, but were faint and the shadows danced slightly. I had 5 beers during the high time.... and then fell asleep but not for long. I woke up today with the intention to begin drinking right away. My buddy was going to hangout, but he missed the bus and called it a night.

I eventually walked to the liquor store and picked up a modest, but strong, 6-pack of Alaskan White with it's favorite little friend in tow: a 100m bottle of da Jaeger.

I feel pysically ill.
My system is screwed at the moment. Well, that's what I get... we are what we eat, drink and smoke apparently!

I leave in 4 days. It's time to see faces I've for a longtime missed.

I miss feeling hopeful about TSM. Granted things are MUCH, MUCH better than what they once were.... I say, "Giddyup, Girl!" There are many laps still ahead! Wonder what I'll call my horse in this life-changing race? I have decided to call my horse Sapphire. I had a dream last night that I had the most beautiful rectangle-shaped sapphire ring it was large and lovely and very expensive. Except the ring did not fit ANY of my fingers perfectly. I left it on my middle finger on my right hand. This is my interpretation of this dream: My birthstone is sapphire, as I am Virgo. The most exquisite ring could not fit on any of my fingers-- meaning, where will this birth of mine fit? I ended forcing the ring on my middle finger. I believe that this means That my birth, or rebirth back through regaining control WILL happen. How, when and why things aren't fitting in an exactly perfect groove is maybe frustrating... but somehow the ring fits if I just keep trying at it. The birth is in my own hands....

Enough for me. I'm going offline so I can feel miseable there,

Ketchikan1