Thanks EL - I think that the subjective change is very important, and is probably the precursor to the quantitative change. It's been a rocky road for the last couple of weeks, I seem to have spent all of my time either worrying or drinking. I think that the drinking is still completely different to pre-TSM, though my wife is concerned that I'm "letting it slide" and losing control.

Saturday wasn't good, and resulted in me spending most of Sunday in bed. I'm hoping that it was an "extinction burst", and am feeling quite optimistic that I haven't wanted any today (sufficiently to know that I didn't need to take a Nal). I had an appointment with a doctor from the drug & alcohol team on Friday, who was generally pleased with the figures but wants me to start setting daily targets (8 units for weekdays, 15 for weekends). That seems like a reasonable and achievable goal, and it probably is time that I start applying willpower, I think.

So, still here and trundling along the roller coaster... and still feeling optimistic

I agree that those sound like reasonable goals that you might be able to acheive with just a little willpower. It is great that your doctor is open minded enough to realize that 8 drinks might be a GOAL, rather than just yelling at you for drinking too much. I do tend to suspect that doctors are harder on female drinkers, but that's another subject all together....
Nal on!

Just me again... someone PM'd me to ask if I was OK, and I realised that I owe you folks an update and an apology because TSM is going well for me, I think, and it's unfair for me to disappear in a way that makes it look as if Naltrexone isn't working for - I think it is. It feels as if the severity of the 'bad days' is getting less, and the interval between them longer - more saliently, the consumption chart says the same thing. They're still far more frequent than I'd like, but getting much better.

A great example yesterday was that I was [legally] able to drive home after the company Christmas 'do' which consisted of a lovely meal then four hours in a pub with a free taxi home if needed. This morning, I picked my boss up from his house because he couldn't drive! Tonight I was very very worried that I was going to go on a bender because it's the first night of a twelve day break (we're shutting down between Christmas and New Year) and somewhere along the lines my alcoholic brain / desires managed to get the fridge stocked for the holidays with some 60 bottles of beer to go with the 3 bottles of Baileys and 3 bottles of wine plus assorted others. I didn't even realise how insane the amount was until just now, and didn't consciously plan on it; it's just ended up that way ( excuse [TM] "Cheap CopOuts, Inc" ). Thing is, I've drunk a fair bit more than I "should" tonight yet an awful lot less than a loss-of-control bender - and I don't want to get any more drunk! I was fully prepared for (and truthfully expecting and dreading) the usual shame, guilt and despair to go with my standard negative consequences tomorrow. Now it's tonight, though, it's quite obvious that that's not going to happen - it's more a question of whether I have a hangover or not.

Pre-Nal the idea of me sitting here with a fridge full of £150 pounds worth of hand-picked booze yet not intending to drink any more would have been truly laughable. Currently, I'm marvelling at the phenomenon and very relieved by it.

Along with Naltrexone, I've been using marijuana as a appetite suppressant. For me, this seems to have mixed effects; on the positive side, having bong after drinking "my limit" tends to kill the appetite very effectively. On the negative side, I'm developing a strong marijuana habit (having grown sufficient to stay stoned virtually whenever I'm not working); I'm putting on [even more] weight due to the munchies; and, on one occasion, the marijuana seemed to act against the Naltrexone instead of against the alcohol resulting in a particularly bad binge. For me, I think it was a bad idea and I'll probably have a bumpy ride with the dope until it's gone - at which point, I really hope there aren't rebound effects.

Tonight's and yesterday's minor victories are what keep me going.

So, that's me atm - apologies again for the failure to post updates that allow people to assess how it works, or for annoying or upsetting any other person in this or any other post or topic. I'm conscious that I PUI a lot and probably say stupid things that annoy other folks, so along with life being a bit crazy atm I just kinda stopped posting.

bwd

No animals were harmed in the making of this post. Any resemblance between characters in this post and any other characters, real or fictional, is unintentional and implies no comparison between those characters, real or fictional.

Thanks for checking in BWD. I love the disclaimer at the end if your post! It's good that things are more under control for you. You've come from a crazy place to the ability to drive home from a party. That's great. I'm a little worried about you mixing too much pot into the equation. Hope you don't mind me saying that. But it also sounds like its a red flag for you too.

Don't feel bad about not posting. Just glad to have you around when you can make it.

congrats on the legal drive
The small victories are signs that this is working for all of us. Happy holidays and thanks for checking in,
EL

Hi BWD

Thanks for stopping in and updating us. Glad to hear you are making progress. It is certainly a long slow bumpy ride for many of us.

I had a Yorkshire boyfriend in my 20's and visited his home town of Keighley (sp?) so can imagine your accents round the Xmas dinner table!

I too marvel at being able to have 3 bottles of bubbly, numerous bottles of wine and lots of beer around me and to feel relatively comfortable with that. It sure makes this time of year easier and more fun, despite the hangovers from time to time.

Take care and keep warm - I hear it's been snowing round your way.

Cheers
Sticky

Thanks folks.

Hee-hee Sticky, your imagination of our accents probably doesn't match the reality I'm afraid as even though Keighley's just round the corner I'm an immigrant from Down South [Buckinghamshire] and my wife's American

Does anybody else feel afraid to admit their true feelings or state of being? I find myself constantly censoring my own feelings and/or scribblings.

Yes, one BIG relief of joining this forum is that I can honestly tell it like it is, in terms of my actions and feelings about alcohol...I've kept a journal for years, but didn't even want to commit in writing to MYSELF, what was going on. That's pretty sad. And in AA, of course we all talked about booze, but it had to go through the proper "filter", to fit the acceptable requirements of that very specific culture.( Fortunately, I didn't log many hours there!)

I think being honest here - admitting my problem and talking about it - is a big part of the healing process, right up there w/ taking my Nal.

Chrissie

BWD: It's such a natural response to censor ourselves. But are you talking about hiding your feelings on this forum or in the world in general?

We learn from an early age that self-revelation = vulnerability. More so in some cultures than others (eg: the UK vs USA?).

If there's anyplace you should be able to unwind a bit it's here.

Happy New Year.