Fantastic Update!!
Nothing feels as great as freeing oneself from the compulsion. It indeed gets better (maybe a few ups and downs yet). Your obvious response to TSM virtually guarantees that you will never be morally reduced to the snake-pit of rehab and AA. That alone is priceless. Nal-On!

Hi all,

Here's the recap for my fourth week of TSM. My unit numbers jumped back up, but I'm still way below my pre-TSM baseline. There were some huge triggers this week - some I handled pretty well, and others...not so much. I had one night in particular where I briefly entered the BOC, which I was pretty bummed about (more on that later)...it was definitely the drunkest I have gotten since I started treament. Gaaaah. I'm hoping this leads to a little extinction burst.

Monday - 1

This was the first time in probably a year that I have made it home from class without having a road soda. I popped my Nal during the drive, and treated myself to a nice pumpkin beer once I got home. It took me over an hour and a half to drink. Ridiculous.

Tuesday - AF

Tues marked the beginning of a big trigger - stressful Red Sox games. I had to apply a little willpower to abstain, but I knew this was going to be my only chance to have an AF day this week.

Wednesday - 4

I had originally wanted to make Wed AF, but this night ended up being one of the most insane nights of baseball I can remember. The Sox collapsed in epic fashion, and I felt a strong craving to drown my sorrows in a few drinks. I finished up a bottle of rum that I had been nursing for at least a week, and each drink was lasting over an hour. Normally, I would've annihilated a 12-pack and any whiskey I could get my hands on, blacked out before the 7th inning and not remembered how the game even ended.

Thursday - 4

I had a first date with a girl I had bumped into last weekend. I was a little nervous (TRIGGER ALERT), but ended up having a great time and kept the units down. I had a nice glass of wine during dinner, and a few brewskis at my favorite neighborhood bar afterwards. Good times.

Friday - 5

I had to venture back up to Boston for some classwork on Fri night, so I decided to catch a local softball game that a bunch of my buddies were playing in. I showed up to the field with a 24-ounce Bud (paper-bagged of course...classy) and nursed that sh*t during the entire game. I drank one beer at the bar afterwards, and one of my friends was eyeing my drink suspiciously (he was likely wondering why I wasn't chugging my 10th beer of the night). I had another giant can of Bud once I got home, but that was it. Very lowkey night by my standards.

Saturday - 15.5?

Oh man, this was a sh*tshow.

I met up with a bunch of college friends in New York City Saturday afternoon for a dude's night out. I knew I was gonna need my A-game to survive this night, so I kept four Nal pills on me just in case I felt like the night was starting to slip away. My resolve started off very strong, as I struggled to put down 2 big German brewskis at a rowdy beergarden. I was even dumping part of my last one into a friend's glass. I didn't even feel like drinking at the next bar we went to, and gave my beer to a good buddy (one of the only two people that know about my treatment, so he was more than willing to oblige). As the night went on, things started to escalate. I was wing-manning my buddy, which meant that I was focusing more on the ladies we were talking to than what I was drinking, so I began to lose count of my units. They were definitely going down pretty fast though.

Another two friends met us out, and they really got the sh*tstorm underway by immediately buying our surly collective multiple rounds of Jameson. They just kept coming and coming. I must've hit the dancefloor to break out some awkward whiteboy moves at this point, and met a cool chick that found my gumby legs entertaining. Things were going well with her, but I felt like I was starting to lose control of what I was drinking. I popped an emergency Nal, and thought that would help. It absolutely backfired. I've read in this forum that taking an extra Nal will not necessarily increase the strength of the medication, but can instead amplify the side effects. About an hour after I double-dosed I started to feel incredibly nauseous. I decided to leave the bar to get some fresh air and pick up a pack of cigarettes. This didn't help, as smoking when I am hammered (pretty much the only time I ever smoke) makes me feel even more light-headed.

I was basically blacked out at this point, and I might not be entirely accurate here. Somehow I ended up back at the bar with everyone, and when we all spilled out later that night I promptly vomited of the side of the building. It was BAD. I can't even remember the last time I got sick during a night of boozing (especially on "only" 15 units). Despite sharing that afternoon's buffalo wings with the sidewalk, the girl I had been dancing with took my sorry *ss to the Upper East Side with her anyway. She was a trooper.

The fact that I entered the BOC was obviously pretty bad, but the fact that I got so banged up on 15 units is also concerning. I have never had a sterling tolerance, but there have been plenty of times where I've taken down 15 drinks over the course of a night and not gotten entirely sh*tcanned. I'm assuming that my tolerance is starting to weaken, since I am drinking far less than I usually do during the week (pre-Nal, at least). I'm tall but skinny, so I'm not working with much in the first place.

Sunday - 9.66

I took a 1 pm train back to Connecticut to meet up with everyone, and had a few "to-go" whiskeys during the ride. We ended up going to a local bar that afternoon, and spent almost the entire day there crushing pitchers and watching the Yankees game. 9.66 is higher than I would like, but again, these units were spread out over the entire course of a day. Also, I was struggling badly from the night before. Ugh.

Total - 39.15

Some thoughts...

I jumped up about 10 units, so I think this officially marks the end of my Honeymoon. I expected this to happen at some point around weeks 4-5, so I'm not too worried about the uptick. To be honest, the units aren't really my primary focus right now...avoiding blackouts is, and I let myself down there. I definitely learned a lot from that experience, especially about double-dosing. Looking back, the night had started out so promising - I was drinking far slower than everyone else, but I was still in a great mood.

Hopefully nights like this will eventually become non-existent. I have to remind myself that things are definitely changing, and that this is part of the rollercoaster ride that Ketch keeps warning me about. It's also reassuring that I am so bummed out about hitting the BOC, since that would be a nightly occurence less than a month ago.

I'm definitely planning on having an AF night tonight, since I'm STILL hurting and I have a lot of travel for work this week, which means it's likely going to be another week of high units. I'll do my best to keep my sh*t together.

I'm looking forward to catching up on everyone's progress this week. Thanks for reading!

-H

40 isn't so bad. I think your tolerance is dropping.

Word of warning, I have tried to drink through the nal several times. That is the only reason I can explain the 16 units over just a few hours. The beer was like water, to be fair, it's light beer, but I was inhaling it.

I hit two back to back weeks at or near my pre nal drinking. This week, I am less than my honeymoon so far!! So, as Ketch says, fasten your seat belts!

HF, the fact that you became incredibly nauseous on nal and "only" 15 units is completely normal. It actually means your body is responding properly to alcohol and calling an emergency when you drink too much too fast. I used to NEVER black out or vomit ....then I started blacking out but never vomiting...then I started TSM and I am vomiting all over the place, sometimes after 10 drinks, sometimes after 6, once in a while after 1 or 2! The nal itself makes a lot of people nauseous, and its use with alcohol can be a lot for the stomach to process (this is my impression, not medical fact). I also think that now that we are on nal, our body cannot go into turbo drunk mode as easily, so we feel the negative effects of alcohol more immediately AND can respond to our bodies cues that we are poisoning ourselves. Does that make sense?
It is also likely that your tolerance is weakening somewhat from drinking less, but that's more of a gradual thing. Also - did you eat dinner? nal and no dinner is an epic disaster for me.
So you had one bad night. The rest of your week looks great! If it's any consolation, I have had about 3 black or grey outs since starting TSM, I think in weeks 4-8 or so. I think it's part of the process. I remember being in a substance abuse therapy group a couple of years back and they gave us some stats about BAC levels and what that generally produces in a person of x height and weight over y time. I remember calculating an "average," not blacked out, not insanely out of control night for my stats and finding out that at that BAC level, FIFTY PERCENT OF PEOPLE would have lapsed into unconsciousness. Basically, having a high tolerance is actually a sign that you are f***ing your body up and it's going into overdrive to try and minimize the damage.
Good luck!!!

@HF and EL - thanks for the responses. I didn't eat dinner on the night that I got sh*thoused, so I'm sure that helped contribute to my Black Out City adventure. I'm one of those people that "eats to live, rather than lives to eat" and when I'm drinking heavily, all focus on food goes out the window. Another buddy of mine has the same mindset, and before we go out boozing we'll always say to eat other "Alright man, we gotta make sure we eat something tonight." Never happens.

Week 5 is in the books, and from an objective standpoint, the numbers jumped back up for the second week in a row. I'm cool with that, since I knew this was going to be heavy week (travelling for work + vacation). Subjectively, I only had one night that I would even consider "somewhat" drunk. So there's that...I gotta take the little victories where I can at this point in the game.

Monday - 3.66

I felt miserable all day after the previous weekend's sh*tstorm. I'm starting to realize that feeling sh*tty about getting sh*tty is one doozy of a perpetual trigger. This was a huge problem for me pre-Nal, and would often act as the catalyst for multi-week benders...just a brutal cycle of getting hammered one night, feeling terrible about it the next day, and then ending up numbing those feelings with more booze later that night.

I had really wanted to make this day AF, but I just couldn't do it.

Tuesday - 7.32

Tues marked the beginning of a 3-day trip for work to North Carolina, so all eating and drinking would be on the company dime. The co-workers I was travelling with like to have a few, so there were constant opportunities to drink (pre-flight, during layovers, post-flight, during meals, post-meal). Had a few airport beers and people-watched, then threw back a few during/after dinner.

I did notice that I was drinking way slower than everyone else, which I felt good about. People were actually commenting on this. Pre-Nal I would've been lapping even the most focused drinker in the bunch.

Wednesday - 10.33

We were staying in a pretty rowdy college town, so we all decided to get after it following work obligations. The 10+ units* were spaced out over about 6 hours, which means I was feeling pretty good by the end of the night (after breaking out a mean karaoke rendition of Hall and Oates "Rich Girl" - I have a sweet/smoky voice for blue-eyed soul...or not...at all).

* A quick note - one of these units was a glass of Pappy Van Winkle 23-year old whiskey. I've been looking for this sh*t for months, and saw it at one of the serious bars in NC (they featured a liquor "library"). It was delicious, but when I got the bill...$63 for a f*cking ounce of liquor! It was worth the price for the novelty, but I will never do that again.

Thursday - 9.66

These units were spent during the course of the entire day travelling back to RI, so at no point was I even more than mildly buzzed. Nothing too notable here, although that number does look pretty high.

Friday - 4.8

Fri was the beginning of a long vacation weekend in Delaware for me (lots of travelling this week). I was with family, so the unit numbers were pretty low. I was also in Yeungling country (a cheap but relatively excellent lager that you can find on the East Coast - although not in New England) so that's what I stuck to mostly.

Saturday - 7.83

We tailgated for a football game throughout most of the afternoon, and started pretty early. My family's tailgating has gotten progressively more tame over the past year or so, and this was no exception. It was a great day, beautiful weather, and I kept the units under control without much effort at all.

Sunday - 5.33

I REALLY felt like getting after it once I got home from Delaware armed with 2 cases of Yuengling. I mean...I really wanted to get drunk for no particular reason other than the weather was perfect and we got back in time for the Pats game. The only problem was...I didn't actually FEEL like drinking. This was f*cking bizarre. I had all this beer at my disposal. Delicious, delicious beer. I wanted to get drunk, but I didn't feel like putting in the actual effort to drink said beer. I struggled mightily through 5+ units over about 7 hours, and had to dump out a delicious Narragansett 'Fest after having 3 sips. Unprecedented.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. The fact that I wanted to get hammered is a bit unsettling, but the fact that I didn't feel like drinking was...great? Is this like wanting to get in shape without putting in the effort to exercise? Wanting to get rich without working? Wanting to seduce a female without showering/putting on pants? I need to reflect on this a little more. Very strange.

Total - 48.93 (rounds to 49)

Some thoughts...

Obviously, that total is pretty high, and I'm not particularly keen on the two-week trend of increasing ~20 units. This was also the first week of TSM that I didn't have an AF day, but I knew squeezing one in was going to be difficult. I needed to drink through my cravings - and I was having them, so I did. Subjectively, there were no blackouts, nothing stupid, nothing embarrassing (except for my sensual karaoke vocals, which were going to be cringe-inducing no matter what my BAC was), so I feel pretty good about this week overall.

My on-call shift for work started this morning, so I should be able to have a much more reasonable total this week.

Thanks for reading, and good luck out there!

-H

Hi Hess - you'll have to meet up with ElecLou for a Karaoke Nal-Battle when in NYC again....

Sorry to hear the emergency Nal backfired. The fact that you even took it after 16 units really proves that you want this to work so badly. Maybe puking up did prevent you drinking more

It seems like you are really trying your best - How could you accelerate this process? Maybe try 75mg before a big night out?

I'm sure you'll figure it out as you want this to work so badly... we all do

Two things really jumped out at me from your post - "I'm starting to realize that feeling sh*tty about getting sh*tty is one doozy of a perpetual trigger.". YES, I think many many of us can relate to this. That's why it's really good if you can calm yourself down after a bender and try and be good to yourself rather than beating yourself up. Shame might work for controling your intake for a few days, but it will ultimately backfire.
Secondly...". I mean...I really wanted to get drunk for no particular reason other than the weather was perfect and we got back in time for the Pats game. The only problem was...I didn't actually FEEL like drinking".
YES. This is a very strange part of TSM that I have experienced several times, less and less as I get further along. I will want to BE drunk, because I remember the fun awesomeness that it was, but I can't be bothered to GET drunk, because nal and TSM are working. It's a GOOD sign, the desire to get hammered will in time fade and come to meet your more moderate actions.

Greetings Hesster!

I am new here, just finished up Week 1, and wanted to thank you for your hilarious and brutally honest thread. I can really relate to a lot of what you write and only wish I had the wisdom to recognize in my twenties that the way I drank wasn't quite normal. My binges in my twenties were quite frequent but for some reason didn't rise to the level of worrisome behavior that really resulted in me wanting to do something about it...but the guilt and shame and trying to re-create the events of the evening the night before by checking clues CSI-style should've been a wake-up call.

Anyway, I commend you for taking Nal and seeking control. Although you had a recent setback, it seems like overall you're doing great! I think one of the benefits of this approach is that even a binge night is not the end all be all - we just keep on keeping on and know that we are working towards something rather than giving into the despair associated with the all-or-nothing approach of abstinence. I will be avidly reading along to follow your progress.

HopefulBee

@Andy - Thanks for checking in buddy. I'm definitely going to consider upping my dosage to 75 mg on nights when I know I'm going to be in for trouble. I might even try three doses of 25 mg staggered about 3-4 hours apart if I can stay focused enough to remember to take them.

I really am trying my best with this treatment because I know how important it is to get my sh*t together. I read all of these stories about others on this board that have had marriages and families ruined by the sauce, but to be honest - there is no way I'd even make it to that point if I continued living the way I did pre-Nal. I would be dead or incarcerated before I could ever hope to start a family.

Anyway - I love the blog idea, and really hope your story can reach as many people as possible. I've already mentioned this to you, but stumbling upon your thread (I think it must've been by googling "pissing + pants + drunk") was the reason I found TSM and reading through it gave me the push I needed to give this a try.

@E-Lou - As always, thanks for your advice and encouragement. What are your go-to karaoke songs? I've gotta up my game - I'm thinking a duet to Nate Dogg and Warren G "Regulate." I get to be Nate Dogg (RIP big fella).

Hi HopefulBee - Thanks for the comments. I've been keeping up with your thread, and really dig how well-written and humorous it is. It already seems like you've been through a lot with your weight loss, and I'm really rooting for you to get your boozing under control too. I will certainly be reading along.

It's interesting that you should mention that I had the foresight to start TSM in my late 20's. I was 19 (a freshman in college) when I knew something was very wrong with the way I was drinking (imagine that - even in the veritable sh*tstorm of binge drinking in college I could see that I was taking it too far), and I can even pinpoint exact moments when I had these moments of realization. If I can ever win the battle with the surly sauce, I think it will be a somewhat bittersweet event because I'll wonder how my life would've ended up if I had found this treatment as soon as I knew something was wrong. I would actually remember being in college and most of my 20's wouldn't be a hazy, alcoholic mess. Hopefully I'll be able to elaborate on this in a much more detailed reflection in about 6-12 months. Ha.

I will definitely keep on keeping on.

-H

Hi all,

I hope everyone had a good week. I'm about a month and a half into this crazy experiment, and so far I'm really pleased with how things are going. There is still definitely some room for improvement, but overall I feel like I am starting to lose my taste for the surly sauce. There were several instances this week where I couldn't finish drinks, or had to have other people help me get through them. It's a very strange experience.

Monday - 9.65

Yeah, I know - this is pretty aggressive for a Monday. I didn't have class because of Columbus Day, so I took my roommate out to get banged up for his belated bday. He's a big surly fella and has no trouble throwing them back with a vengeance. I wasn't even close to keeping up with his pace, but when I reviewed what I drank the next morning I was suprised at how high the total was. It's a shame, because if I had class my overall numbers for the week would've been awesome. Oh well.

Tuesday - AF

Wednesday - 4

Ahhh, Wednesday was a bit interesting. Since the beginning of the summer, I started going to see live music by myself. I do this for two reasons 1.) my local friends think the bands I go to see are for "hipster douchebags" 2.) I would always go to shows with my ex-gf. We were into a lot of the same music, and she would be willing to see any band* you can think of - even crusty punk shows where the pit takes over the whole venue.

* Ladies, a good show companion is an incredible attribute in a girl. I really miss this.

I ended up seeing a local RI band that has been getting a little bit of national exposure (they barely made the set, as they were in NYC that afternoon filming an appearance on Letterman - very cool). I got through 3 Narragansett tallboys, which were spread over about 2.5 hours. I always get a great feeling during shows, and I was a little worried that seeing live music on Nal might cheapen the experience. There was nothing of the sort. The set was great, and I felt like a million bucks.

Also notable was the fact that I had no desire to keep drinking once I got back home. Normally, I would've demolished whatever booze was left on the counter while watching YouTube videos until 3 am of the band I had just seen. Jeez.

Thursday - 2

The band was playing a second set on Thursday night. I popped a Nal as I debated heading up the street for another night of tasty tunes. I ended up catching up on some reading instead and didn't want to waste the Nal, so I had a few brewskis. It took over two hours to get through 2, which is just ridiculous.

Friday - AF

What the hell happened here? An AF Friday??? This has to be the first one of these I've had in over a year. In fact, the last AF Friday I had was probably the night before I ran a half marathon (poorly). I had no plans on Friday night, and didn't really feel like crushing beers...so I didn't. Instead, I worked on some stuff for class in order to avoid the "Sunday Anxiety" that I always get when cramming work in at the end of the weekend.

Saturday - 6

I met up with some good buddies in Boston, and had a few choice beverages. I didn't start boozing until after 9 pm, which is unheard of for me on a weekend day (even post-Nal). Normally, I would've stumbled into the bar half in the bag with my pants falling down. I couldn't finish the final beer of the night, and it felt like I had made it through quite a bit more than 6 units. Typically, that would be my pre-game intake, but I was definitely feeling it by the end of the night.

Sunday - 9

Since I didn't have to worry about classwork, I continued the party in Boston to watch the Pats game. I made the mistake of not eating all day (another issue I have to work on), but the 9 units were spaced out over about 7 hours, so I feel okay about that total. I couldn't finish at least 2 drinks (one of which was even Pumpkinhead - I LOVE Pumpkinhead...how the hell did this happen???) and I switched over to Diet Coke at the end of the night. All things considered, this was a great day*.

* There was a poor fella in an Ed Reed jersey that was absolutely sh*t-tanked by like 3 pm. He was slurring badly and pawing at these two cute girls that he had offered his seat to. He was spilling Patron shots everywhere, and was eventually escorted out ("Hey chief...chief...let me tell you something...I...I am straight, man. No...YOU'RE straight. GO RAVENS. GO BIRDS. WOOOOOO!") when he dropped a pint on the floor. It was very nice to not be that guy for once.

Total - 30.65

Some thoughts...

I understand that 30+ is a high total by most standards, but this is very close to the lowest number I've posted so far. The interesting thing about this week was definitely the effort needed to finish drinks. I think this might be because I'm drinking much slower, and by the time I get to the bottom third of a beer, it tastes like warm swill. Gross. Even the thought of beer right now is making me cringe a bit.

Anyway, this week is likely going to be heavy because I've got a brief vacation in my favorite city in the world (Chicago!), so I'm pretty fired up about that. It's a hard-drinking town, and the triggers will likely be popping up everywhere.

Thanks for reading!

-H