Okay, Ms. Electra... I have a theory as to why you wish to overdrink on Wednesdays--

R-E-B-E-L-L-I-O-N.

I think rebelliousness is at the heart of the alcoholic psyche. To rebel and boast about getting away with shite like driving drunk and making it home. Or having the bender from hell and waking up the next day and arriving to work as if all is well in the world and aren't we just squeaky f*&$king clean to begin with.

Ho. Ho. No. No.

What a ruse we pull on the world at large!

But the bigger part of the picture is that we get a kick, a high and a seperate reward out of fooling the general public into thinking that we are "normal" and all is well..... whilst we silently suffer in our agonizing dis-ease.

But, it is our magic trick: Now you see us, now you don't mo-fo's.

Am I right?

Abracadabra bitches,

Ketchikan1

Hi EL, you are sounding good, as usual, you are always so up-beat and positive and such great support for everyone here on the boards, THANK YOU!

I don't know why you feel the need to let rip on week nights, maybe it's like Ketch says, a control thing, you know you shouldn't over do it and that makes you want to?. You used the term happy-hour so maybe it's the limited time? maybe you don't like the limit? you'd rather decide yourself when it's time to go? Maybe it's nostalgia for past happy hours that turned into full blown "parties" ? Maybe part of you doesn't want to let go of the party girl, you still feel that fun=drunk? But I know that you are an intelligent woman and I'm sure you'll figure it out .

Curi.

Hi EL

I know you are behind me with TSM, but have been far more active on the board. At times I feel just as much of a pisshead as before!! Tonight I went out to dinner with an old supportive friend. She lives a long way away, but have just about ploughed thru a whole bottle of wine since getting back into the city. Was very keen to drink tonight after 2 AF days and had one beer before I went out. It seemed to affect me very quickly. I don't want to do my abandoning the family routine, but am now staying up late on this website because you and the other people on here are the only people who truly understand me. It is not good that you are all thousands of miles/kms away. I still relate to the women in my weekly AA meeting, but all but 1 of them don't know about TSM.

BTW my girlfriend whom I had dinner with tonight may be going onto nal for her arthritis, i.e. pain relief! Anyone else heard of that?

Cheers
Sticky

Well Sticky (and everyone else) : I wouldn't be holding me up tooo much as a role model because I just had a drunken blowout and am in the doghouse with my boyfriend. Went out for drinks after dinner with a few friends. My boyfriend went home. I insisted on stayed out late and dragging this other friend to karaoke. We did that until 4am then I convinced him to come over to my house and listen to Leonard Cohen (this is beaten territory...). Long story short, we were drunk and loud and woke up my boyfriend and then continued to prevent him from sleeping and he was quite mad. Today he is gone and not answering his phone and I am afraid he is really angry at me. It's not the first time I've done this but it is the first time in a while. I think he's probably going to be having big doubts about living together now. Also we are leaving tomorrow for my brother's wedding and I just feel like that is contaminated now. UGH.

Yep, the boyfriend is pissed. And being quite unfair, I think. I am basically bending over backwards apologizing and trying to make things right and he is saying things like "good think I kept the futon mattress so I could sleep in the other room". Of course, he has every reason to be concerned and upset with me - the OTHER me that comes out when very drunk is not a pleasant person. However, I feel that I am working on my issues and honestly, he doesn't work on his (mostly anxiety and depression). I am constantly holding him up - at least that's what it feels like sometimes - and I don't think he ever feels this bad for burdening me. It's like..,I'm sorry I kept you up late. It's not THAT BIG OF A DEAL. It happens occasionally. It's inconsiderate as **** of me, but it does not make me a moral failure of a person. Which is kind of what he is making me feel like right now.

Hi El
I suspect this bit of "bad" behaviour you are having lately, has to do with those nasty extinction bursts. Be patient, let them come and take them for what they are...just more hurdles in the process.

Hi EL

Sorry to hear the bf is pissed. Luckily I didn't keep hubby awake last night, but have done in the past and can so relate. Hopefully having to be sociable at the wedding will get him talking civilly to you again. Good luck and try to have fun!!

Cheers
Sticky

If that's the worst you have done, I don't understand why he is quite so upset. For what it's worth, I have done much worse. I could always tell the story my friends tell of when I said..... you get the picture. You were probably annoying and drunk, but harmless.

I think you may have been blowing off steam. Have you been staying in a lot more lately? Like Katie said, it could be an extinction burst. I hope you feel better soon.

As far as a huge help, EL, you have helped me greatly! Thanks for that!

Thanks guys. Yes, it is kind of "the worst" that I've done - like I've mentioned before I've been lucky in not having major consequences (outwardly, anyways) to my drinking yet. Just a lot of panic and anxiety and depression, but mostly my boyfriend has not been affected by my drinking (he has even told me this in the past). However, this is probably the third time I've kept him up (very late) and this one was a weekday, so I can understand why he was pissed. Things are better now. Not back to normal, exactly, but he has forgiven me. I just need to not do this again, ever, and I think things will be fine. Bringing people back to my house to listen to music and keep drinking at 4am is a LONG standing tradition, so it makes sense that this would be the hardest trigger to extinguish. I just really don't feel like I have much room for error now, so I've decided to just make a rule for myself : no late night guests that aren't oked by the bf. It's reasonable enough, and honestly having a hard and fast rule SHOULD keep me in check. It's when I get into drunken reasoning like "but we won't be THAT loud..." that I get into trouble.
Thanks for the support guys. Yesterday was pretty horrible but today I feel ok. Off to Oregon for the wedding!

Hey EL!

I can relate to your recent posts. One question...is your S.O. a drinker and if so is he doing NAL with you? Just curious (I haven't had time to read through all of your 239 other posts.) My S.O. just started NAL and has a drinking, depression, anxiety and anger problem. Heck we don't need a futon because we have a whole seperate living space for me when I am in trouble (which has been a lot lately, unfortunately.)

I hope you can flatten things out at the wedding and have a nice time. 'Flattening things out' is a term I learned in couples therapy and it makes sense. However we still have stupid little speed bumps that we seem to keep coming back to because we didn't really flatten them out.

Anyway I wish you the best. Someday you will be my 'unit hero' when I get to the point that I think 14 drinks a week is even humanly possible for me.

Keep your chin up Girl! I love reading your posts

And as always Good Luck out there!

~Pam