Interesting evening. I drank 3 units fairly quickly and suddenly had no desire to drink. I drank tea and water for the next 2 hours. Then the craving hit again, but not so hard but I had 2 more. The last one I am finishing as I type this.

My wife was quite upset tonight because I had stopped at a reasonable amount but then restarted later in the evening. We discussed the duration of TSM and how 3 months was a minimum and that 4 to 6 months was typical. She had the 3 month period of time stuck in her head, so when she saw progress this evening, she felt hopeful, only to be let down later by the realities of this addiction. I am not even near half way through, so I should expect nothing. Yet occasionally, we get glimpses of how it will be, like my wife saw - 3 beers and quit; a moderated drinker. Then the alcoholism took over and spoiled our evening.

I am glad I saw the glimpse of the future tonight, but I am sad that my wife was unable to see the evening as a positive. I still am glad that she is allowing me to go through this long process of recovery and I love her dearly for that, even though she does not really understand.

Bob

Bob, thanks for your honestly. My husband, although he drinks too much at times does not have my problems and does not understand either. I had an AF night last night and feel really good. Not sure yet what today will bring. Good luck tonight!

Thanks, LaBear. That's something we can all understand.

Well last night, I drank over my usual pre-TSM "limit" and had seven (7) units and combined it with a Valium and Buspar. Needless to say, I blacked out and my wife brought me to bed after she checked that I was still alive.

Why did I do that? I have no idea. I guess my brain is getting desperate for an endorphin high, which we don't get because of the Nal. I don't think I made a conscious decision to get wasted. I can't remember.

Anyway, tonight I have a six pack in the fridge, so that in itself will limit me. Took my Nal, then drink... and wait.

Bob

Maybe you were feeling a little self-destructive...maybe it was a response to your wife's reaction, who knows. Our minds are still bizarre addictive places at this point - please be careful!

I don't think many spouses /so's understand this process. Seems like we are lucky if they just let us tell them we are doing it and occassionally talk to them about it...my husband is supportive in an absent kind of way, which is much better than most. I inititated a discussion with him this morning about the fact that my drinking levels have gone up the last 2 weeks - my attempt to open the door if he wanted to speculate whether it was working or not. He just said, 'It takes 4 months, doesn't it? I don't know..seems like you are drinking less overall.' Who knows what he really feels...but if they all only knew that responses like that make you want to try even harder and give you hope, they would all say it regardless of how they felt. I think it must be very scary for them...they likely think we are grasping at straws or wasting time / money in a desperate attempt to keep drinking.

I know it is working for me, although I still cannot fathom drinking normally...

Hope tonight goes better.

Bob, I was thinking of you yesterday because I took my Klonipin and then was afraid to take the Naltrexone and drink. It was a delema. I finally did and was o.k. Didn't take the Klonipin for a high just because I had the racing heart thing going on. I didn't get wasted but had 9 or more units of Vodka over the course of day and night. Not a good day but good today and hope to go AF.

Yes. Even with days where it seems to not be working, there are days that surprise you.

Last night, I thought I was going to drink with abandon, then after opening the 6th Guinness, it just sat there while I read. I finally looked at it after it sat there for an hour and said "I'm going to put it away; I've had enough tonight". And I did put it back and went to bed. Another glimpse at how it will be in the future!

Bob

Bumped over here,
I'm following all this and doing ok myself . Not alot of time though right now .
Bob's rougher night was alarming , in fact the 7 units didn't sound too, too heavy but with the Val and Busb .....Careful there... our minds are just as Happy said still addictive places . As you say Bob your brain is seeking the endorphin shot but try to let your mind drive the brain with consciousness that says " I know my brain has this old old habit but I'm really losing the need for it and will stand in to take charge over my reflexive behaviour ".

Looks like Going4 has a good solution for the scoreboard that gets a bit overloaded .

Yes. A deadly mix. And I don't want to minimize it, either. Early last year during my AA days, I survived eight (8) 16oz beers, 60 mg of Valium and 45mg of Buspar. I only weigh about 150 pounds! My doctor told me I should have died, but all I experienced was drunken dizziness, euphoria, a feeling of invincibility, and breathing problems, which my wife helped me through (bless her).

In retrospect, all I cared about at the time was the high over all else. AA gave me no hope. I guess I had a mini-relapse of that the other night and thank goodness it was not nearly as severe. It appeared out of nowhere. What I find odd is that the night in question was surrounded by positive nights, where I could stop when I didn't want any more. It is obvious to me that something is changing in my brain chemistry at a subconscious level.

I truly appreciate your concern (and LaBear and H4O)! I am glad you said something. I should have the mental faculties to say no at this point in the journey.

Bob

PS BTW, I had six units last night and fell asleep. 5 or 6 appears to be my current limit. No hangover in the morning at all.

Well, last night was one of those I-don't-want-to-drink-but-I've- already-taken-my-Naltrexone nights. Every drink I had wasn't good, in fact they all tasted awful. I still had 5, even though when I went to bed, I thought I drank 4, so I was happy when I woke up, up until I checked and counted the bottles and discovered it was really 5. Still, it was just 5 units, I had no hangover, and today was another day.

I compose this post as I am on my 5th unit, and I am enjoying it tonight for some reason (with Nal, of course). I may have one more, but then again I may not.

Bob

EDIT: I wound up having 8! That's way high for me. I never got the "that's-enough" feeling last night. Seems as if I am vacillating between control and no-control from day to day.

I know nobody reads or comments to my updates anymore, since I asked lena to move my thread to Weekly Progress, but I use my thread mainly as a personal journal to chronicle my journey.

Yesterday, I started drinking very early in the day after taking a Nal at noon or so. Still, I had 7 units over the next 9 hours, even though I had more in the fridge. Even though there is a desire for the feeling of alcohol, the alcohol itself is giving me much less satisfaction on most days now. I assume that will change to all days over the next several weeks.

Today, I took my Nal, and well over an hour later, I had my favorite beer and I thought "why the hell do I drink this swill". It took me a while to finish my first. I felt almost the same on unit #2, but the relaxation/inebriation started to set in, and it went down easier, although I still don't care for the taste of it at the time of this post.

I hope this overall trend continues and one day I'll say "just this one" and actually mean it and have trouble finishing it. That's where I want to be.

Bob