This is a very drunken rant - look away now if you're easily offended

Tonight, I have good "excuse" to drink and my head is taking it. However, I don't pigging *want* to drink - it's just programmed in. Earlier, my wife was saying how she's worried about the honeymoon ending [which I think has already happened, based upon qualitative feelings], because she's (justifiably) waiting for the other shoe to drop. Looking at the array of beer cans in front of me, I'm scared that that's going to happen, and I don't want it to. Equally, though, I feel the Naltrexone's effect and am unconvinced that it'll let me get drunk-to-unconscious wasted (which I'll be grateful for if I don't - fwiw, I have a love/hate relationship that goes along the lines of "wow, that was fantastic being so relaxed and not remembering anything" / "f*ck, I've pissed the bed/everywhere else and been a total arsehole").
In contravention of Jung, AA, and any sanity I'm having a "poor pity me" moment - yet, even so, it's dramatically less than I used to have; it feels like just a really crappy low point (and scared about what I'm gonna do) rather than the horrible "I wanna die, just kill me, oh woe is me" crap that went with the previous worst times.
There's an extract from an email I wrote (when sober!) to my doctor earlier pasted below - if anyone has views or opinions I'd love to hear them.. again, I apologise for Posting Under the Influence, which sadly seems to be my normal modus operandum:
"At this moment, it feels as if my drinking is largely based on habit and
routine as opposed to pleasurable effects. According to the Sinclair method, I
should continue to do so and simply wait for the extinction effect; I'd value
your opinion on this though? For what it's worth, my personal view (with a
layman's understanding of the pharmacodynamics) is that the logical course of
action would be to consciously work on breaking the habit [i.e., using
cognitive reasoning to combat an upper-level behaviour] but not resisting
lower-level cravings and relying upon Naltrexone for that, in line with
Sinclair's views."
EL - I haven't responded to your posts because they deserve better than the drunken response I can give, but I really empathise with you...