A few people have had "light switch" moments when they realize they no longer want alcohol. For me and many others, it was more of a gradual thing. I started to notice little things: that after a severe fight with GF I no longer wanted to drink. Then I noticed being lonely was not a trigger to drink... After a while, almost all of my triggers were gone. So, it varies from person to person. I think for the majority, however, it's a gradual realization after continued drinking from habit that we can take it or leave it if we exert minimal effort.

Thank you Nick and Digetic2! I love that you wrote that there might be a "turning a corner" which will equate to actual ease during AF days. This makes a lot of sense to me. That begs the question: How can I find joy in life sans booze? What other activities might I implement that will take the place of habitual drinking?

I had two AF days in a row recently. That is rare for me. So I chalked it up and applauded my efforts. However, last night I downed a whopping 13 units of strong bottles o' brew. Though I did read also, Digetic, that backsliding is okay, it just doesn't feel that way. It's because of the extremes that I am experiencing. From complete abstinance to plunging right back into the depths of alcoholic consumption.... there is just no predictability as per usual.

I am just gonna keep going. Nick, I am going to become more aware of those triggers you wrote about. For you it was a gradual regaining of control. Trigger by trigger?

So what triggers me? The night before a day off triggers me, as well as.... bordom.... habit.... ritual.....

This too: I feel more "normal" when hungover. It's just more familiar especially with the nasty doses of hangover that TSM serves up. Man oh man.... at times it is downright brutal. That's why wine is a no no for me now. It's just too extreme a hangover. I mean, I can't even gather my senses the day after binging on a big bottle of wine.

So in this regard I am progressing. Pre-TSM I would have had the wine anyway because the alcoholic in me cared not about consequences or the day after a sizable binge.

The Universe wants me to stay in Ketchikan. I know this because that stupid, annoying interlocking device has to be attached to my car for a whole year. Get this, I've had it on my car for nearly a month, but that time does not count according to DMV Florida. I had to send Tallahassee a copy of my reinstated Alaska state Driver's License (that has the worst picture of me EVER taken ) then Florida will start the clock. Do you believe that s#*t?

Now, you might think, well that shouldn't prevent one from driving cross country to Tennessee to perform in the new Lumberjack Show. But it does and the reason is that damn device. For the record I would never drink not even a drop of alcohol and blow into that thing-- the financial ramifications are enormous... but that's not the point.

Completely sober it takes me an average of TEN blows before the box registers that my breath is AF. BUT THEN EVERY 4 MINUTES that box demands that I pull the car over and blow in it AGAIN. I am serious . And it seriously pisses me off. That little box bosses me around. And it's embarrassing. I park way far away in every lot because I know that I'm going to be there blowing at least 10-15 times every time I attempt to start my car.

I drive probably 5 miles every other week. I walk to work, to the liquor and grocery stores, etc. And now I really don't want to drive. That thing makes me nuts and I have a FULL year to go! It would have been 11 more months but Florida is really playing hard ball. Especially considering that the judge ruled that I didn't even need that device at all. I hate big government. I despise the fact that DMV unconstitutionally overruled a JUDGE in a court of law.

So there you have it. My grandma, also a judge, used to say, "Man proposes and God disposes."

I will lead a quiet, little waitress life here in the winter months and get in the best physical shape of my life. That's the plan anyway.

Boy, I really vented here this morning! Forgive the length of this entry and have a great weekend everybody!

Going hiking,

Ketchikan (blow)1

Aw Ketch that blows! (pun fully intended !). Is there anyway you could get a better functioning device, or show to the judge that this prevents you from going to work and being gainfully employed?
As for AF days...they do get easier and eventually drinking starts to feel like a chore, at least for me. There are some days where I'm still really excited to drink, but more often than not I drink out of social obligation and not wanting to rock the boat. I've realized that more and more if I'm having a good time, that's regardless of drinking. I've been able to be in bars and just hang out and talk to people and it's been fun. So for me it hasn't necessarily been replacing drinking activities with knitting or anything like that....just perhaps spending a little less time out drinking, drinking more slowly, and sometimes not drinking at drinking events.
Rambling...but hope this helps!
EL

Hi Guys! I just feel the need to document my so-called progress. Beacause within 4-8 months or so, when I am finally able to declare myself "cured"-- I will look back at my thread with great appreciation.

Hopefully.

Big Sigh. I am drinking, drinking AND drinking. No surprise here. It's the same ol', same ol'.

I'm ending a very busy 10 day work stretch. I've collected some dollars for sure. But I am drinking despite a sudden cold that took over my physical body. And I drank to excess last night despite my being sick, run down and overworked... I polished off a 12 pack of Rolling Rock and a micro-beer.... woke up after not having set the alarm clock (a drunken forget-me-not) but thankfully I woke up at 5:02 am (by the grace of God) and hurridly made it into the cafe to open a half hour later.

Yikes.

I can see why we TSM'ers get ansty and fearful and skeptical during and regarding this process. It feels to me that it just ain't workin'. That's the fact of this matter....


Waitaminute. It probably very definitly IS. I just don't notice the subtle changes is all.

I WILL NOT give up. Not now; not ever.

One Nal before an hour before I drink alcohol. That is the simplest formula I have ever had to equate and abide by. And it will be done.

Even though, my goodness, I am drinking the same massive amounts as I did before, if not more. And of course, the hangovers are widely deepfelt.

What else am I to do?

Carry on. Naturally!!!

I just wanted to check in on my third day of my 21st week. Nada has changed to me. But my brain is a different story, right?

Look, I am still experiencing the warm glow of it all..... so then, I have resigned myself to a very long road ahead.....

Cheers to a many more, but hopefully LESS, lifting of my glass....

For the record, my glass-- no matter WHAT I'm drinking== is half-FULL.

Cheerfully I am Nalling-On,

Ketch

Good for you for remaining hopeful and cheerful - I think a good attitude can go a long way. do you think maybe now might be the right time to start exercising a modicum of willpower and restraint? You might surprise yourself with how much easier it is on nal. And you know, even fi you just shave a couple beers a night off of that tally, I bet you'll feel better for it the next day!
EL

Hi Ketch, I really admire your attitude. I don't know how you usually drink, but have you tried eating before you start drinking and eating while you drink? Hunger (and thirst) and food always impacted how much I drank, if I am hungry I will drink more, if I eat, I drink less, maybe it is the same for you?

Also, how are you with AF days? do you have many?, would you think about trying more? It's actually easier to not start drinking at all than it is to try to reduce the amount you drink once you've started, really. Maybe a couple AF days in a row would make you feel so good that you would be more able to control your drinking, negative association with hangovers and positive association with feeling fresh and rested in the morning, energy to do more stuff etc... ?

Best,

Curi

Oh how everything can change in a blink of an eye and in my world it has very definitely shifted in a most unexpected way.

I no longer work at the Lumberjack Show. The show manager, who is also a narrow-minded timbersports athlete NEVER appreciated my theatrical style. Never. Even though my audiences laughed and applauded and shook my hand after the show and asked to take my picture, etc. etc. etcetera..... For whatever reason this bloke did not see value in what I brought to the production and found a way to have me dismissed.

The grounds of my dismissal are too ludicrous to spell out in dumb detail. So I'll spare you all the dim-witted explanation. This fellow finally got what he wanted and I am out.

I liken this period of my life as almost a situation of house arrest. Here I am with the coolest flat ever! It includes everything and is so centrally located and wonderfully affordable-- I am as snug as a bug in a rug. But I am stuck with that interlocking device on my car, which Florida is demanding that I have until September 7th, 2012. That will be 14 months when all is said and done. And it works like a ankle device. I have to check in monthly and the data is streamed to DMV. There is no way around this sentence. I am a prisoner of sorts.

So now what? I have to work a meaningless job seemingly for the next year +. Perhaps I'll go back to bartending. But all the bars allow grody-ass cigarettes and I don't want to breathe that nastiness into my lungs.

What to do? What to do?

I honestly don't know.

I have to do something other than the cafe. But what? Well, I am wide open. I am not saddened by the loss of the Lumberjack Show. I knew my days were numbered when the GM announced that-- let's call him Jack-- would be the show manager starting this season. He never valued my performance. 'Tis a pity though for those that pay $37.50 and sit excitedly in the stands.... It's all about them anyway. But Jack foolishly thinks it's about him. With the GM backing him in every situation-- perhaps it IS about him.

So be it.

This all went down Saturday. I'll retain my 3 shifts at the restaurant and I am redoing my resume tomorrow and I'll pound the pavement. Again.

I wonder if I will ever feel as though I belong. I've never quite felt that. Except here on this forum. I am with my kindreds here; this motley crew...

For the record, I did not shed a single tear at the loss of the show. Perhaps instinctively I knew my time there would end and Dippy would finally get his way.

I've been drinking a lot lately. And on this vampire day, I will be cracking open a Molson Golden in an hour or so. The Party I am throwing today does include my current companion: Pity.

I'll begin again tomorrow,

Ketchikan1

Hi Ketch,

I really feel for you. When I read that you were no longer at the show I felt shocked.

You seem to be taking it well - but it's really terrible news. However, you seem to be uber-connected and I'm sure you'll figure something out. Remember, 80% of all jobs are never advertised - so invest your time in word of mouth research, pulling in favours rather than responding to newspaper ads.

On to something else, you said, "So what triggers me? The night before a day off triggers me"

I feel that you know your limits. You know when you can afford to drink. When you have just one day left of a 12-day stretch at the Cafe, the alcoholic part of your brain goes, "Yeah, screw it, I'll get through my last day of work hungover - let's get wasted."

What is it about these triggers - these cyclical blowouts? I think that the alcoholic part of your mind had figured out that If you get wasted when you have a free day - a vamp day - then the problem might just be manageable. It was the same for me but every two weeks. I still got wasted on a massive binge, I then was exhausted for a week, I got cold sores and mouth ulcers but 2 weeks later they had healed; I was 'better' so I did it all again.

How to fix it...? There's no simple fix. Awareness might help - so you can understand 'why' you allow yourself to get really drunk. But the binges won't stop until you have a 'take it or leave it' approach to alcohol. Give it Nal a few more weeks / Months and hang in there my girl.

Finally,
Of all the people to gatecrash a party, 'Pity' is the worst. That Bitch -= she's no fun at all. How to get through the next few hours / days? Take it easy. Have an objective for tomorrow other than a Vamp day. Don't let the alcohol win - you deserve better than this - you can do it.

The people on this board helped me get through the worst 2-months of my life – we are all here for you… you have my number if you need it. Don’t give up.

Take care,

Andy.

Sorry to hear about the job loss Ketch. I know how it feels to suddenly be rudderless, and it's really a shame that your boss didn't appreciate you. Hopefully you will find another creative job soon - in addition to the cafe shifts which at least will pay some bills and keep you busy. I agree with Andy that this is probably a critical time for you and it might help to set some tiny goals for the immediate few days rather than just drink into oblivion - even if its something as silly as having coffee with a friend or running an errand you've been putting off for a long time. The vamp days are just the worst, and since you're already down for a good reason, they're not gonna make you feel any better!
Keep us posted.
EL

Hey Ketch,

Remember the stored endorphins in your brain can be released through alcohol, sex, exercise or over eating. Pick the one that's best for you

I remember once you were dragged to the gym by a friend who was into marathons... The hardest part about doing the gym thing is actually getting out of the house. Once you are there you'll feel amazing. Especially if you haven't had any Nal for 24h.

Take care,

Andy.