Aw, thanks Sticky, but I'm not out of the woods yet. And, to be fair, I have been chipping away at the drinking thing for a couple years now, even before TSM.
I had two easy AF days but am meeting up with a friend tonight to check out a new beer garden in my neighborhood. Will try and keep it to three drinks.
(and yes, I'm turning 29 next month !)
EL

E-lou, I've been reading your thread and you seem to be turning a corner right now. Good for you. I was specifically thinking about your nausea troubles when I posted about the Naltrexone+Zofran study going on right now. But it sounds like if you keep your numbers to 3/night you won't need to worry about it. You are very wise to be addressing this now. Nal-on!

Thanks SV. Last night was .... strange. And again, a sign that the nausea/vomiting is not predictable, as I had about 6 drinks last night and did not feel any nausea whatsoever. In fact, a strange thing happened: everything tasted like water. Literally, it was as if my drinks were non-alcoholic. I tried several different drinks- a (tequila) margarita, a vodka martini with a twist, and bourbon. They ALL tasted like water, and went down way too quickly....but oddly enough I felt COMPLETELY SOBER. I felt like I was in a twilight zone episode or something. It literally felt as though someone had replaced my drinks with props. And I am completely not hungover today as well - which is again strange, considering the units drank. It is really a surreal experience. In the past when this has happened to me it's been during a "manic" episode (I'm not sure I agree with my doc's diagnosis, but yes, in the past there have been periods of time where I need less sleep, have more energy, and can drink with seeming impunity). But last nigth felt completely normal and in control.
I got a piece of bad news (rejected from a potential job i was excited about) towards the end of the night and immediately poured myself another bourbon. But it was habit - after a few sips I realized that a) it still tasted like water b) I didn't seem to be getting drunk anyways and c) I didn't really want to drink more. So I watched some TV and went to bed instead.
So....a net positive night, even if it was wierd, and thus more units got consumed than would otherwise have been (I think).

hey EL-

sorry about the job. i bet an even better opportunity is out there waiting for you! congrats on your phd by the way - that's awesome.

you are right about our nights being oddly similar. the news, the waking up, and the watered down tasting booze. i was drinking wine and vodka (later) and had a bit of the same reaction as you - everything kinda tasted like there was no alcohol in it - the wine tasted weird and i would have thought there was no alcohol in my vodka drinks.. i think it's why i kept drinking.

and yes, as expected, i made it through my day.

GAAAAAAH Nal is so weird. So after the night where booze tasted like water and I couldn't get drunk and didn't have a hangover after 6 drinks.....
Last night I had about six drinks total, over the course of 6 hours. And I felt nauseous after the very first one and it only got worse. I threw up at some point (around drink three I think) then ate some food, felt better, had another few drinks...and then threw up as soon as I walked into my bathroom, EVEN THOUGH I FELT COMPLETELY SOBER.
Now, of course, if I felt nauseous after the first drink, why did I continue drinking? I don't know -that's obviously the habit part of the addiction. But it does freak me out that this keeps happening, because well, I don't want to be taking Antabuse, basically. I want to be able to enjoy a few drinks and not feel queasy while I'm not even done with the first! The thing that's really frustrating is also that this feels completely random - I can't predict when nal is going to make me throw up. And it's kind of starting to stress me out in social situations. UGH.
Anyways, I feel like crap today and am supposed to go to a BBQ. If I go, I'm AFing it for sure- my stomach can't handle any booze right now (or any nal for that matter).
EL

Weekly total time: 19 drinks. Which is low, and good. But something strange happened this week, and although I am mostly pleased by it, I am also shaken. This week, for the first time ever in my life that I can remember, the non-drinking days were by far all the easier, happier, better days. The drinking days were the difficult, stressful, not-feeling-on-top-of-my-game ones. (Of course I've had plenty of horrible hangovers related to drinking days, but I am talking about socializing with alcohol vs without, or doing other non-alcohol related activities this week). The 4 AF days were great (even if one of them was tinged with a hint of hangover). I generally did not think about booze, and when I did it was to think to myself, wow I'm glad I'm not drinking/don't have to think about my drinking limits/am not hungover. The three days I did drink, however, were fraught with anxiety, and one of them made me very ill. There seems to be a part of me that is ok with not drinking, but is not ok with drinking and it feeling different and blah. I remarked earlier this week that one night, booze just tasted like water and I felt nothing. Then the next night I got violently ill after just two drinks, but kept trying to chase the dragon, as it were. Part of my brain/body is still clinging on to hard drinking, even though my life more and more doesn't revolve around it. I don't know if this is making any sense? It's like...I can NOT drink, but I'm not sure I have a model yet for moderately drinking and ENJOYING it. Right now it feels like when I start drinking, I want to have fun and get the good feeling back, and when I don't get it, I feel WORSE than before I started drinking. (Both mentally and like I said, very physically). I never thought I would say this, but right now it feels like I almost just...don't want to drink anymore. Which is the part that shakes me, because drinking has been such a core part of my identity that I really can't see cutting it out entirely. I WANT to be able to enjoy a good drink here and there. And maybe that will come? I don't know. Right now it really feels like I'm being actively turned off by alcohol, rather than being moderate or even indifferent.
I have dinner plans tomorrow and I am really thinking of going AF, because I know I will have to drink Tuesday and Wednesday night at least a little (old good friend in town). Before that would be unthinkable. And now, even with the nal and the confidence that I could have ONE drink and call it a night if I chose to...I'm so afraid of feeling crap that I might choose to not drink at all. BIZARROWORLD

Oh and I should really not watch sad movies while my boyfriend is away (he's back sept 2nd). I just finished the Curious Case of Benjamin Button and sobbed like a baby

EL

Hi there! That was a very interesting post! I'm not sure what's going on, maybe more experienced members can say but what you wrote did strike a chord with me a little. It sounds like you are making a fundamental life-style shift, I don't think that can happen over night, the reflex or instinct to party hard is still there but you don't really want to, it's not as much fun as it used to be, or maybe it was never that much fun and you realise that now, but you still haven't found replacement activities either... ?? Would now be a good time to suggest bungy-jumping?!

El, sound like you're having a tough, unpredictable time, so hope you start feeling like you're getting your arms around it. Frankly, there are bit of what you say that make me envy you, namely, your sense that your life is revolving less around the AL and the AL free days are more enjoyable. Personally I still still feel pretty immersed in it...soaked as it were. Stinking of it. Ok, no more puns. But honestly, it sounds like you're getting the components of the cure, but they're coming for you in less than ideal ways and order - ie, the physical reactions, weird lack of effect. Hang on.

You comment about the movie bawling reminded me of a segment on NPR's "This American Life" recently. It was a guy trying to figure out why he always cries during movies when he's flying. Not sometime...but always! And for anything - even insipid junk like "Tooth fairy" in spite of himself (apologies to Dwayne Johnson fans). Funny stuff...who knows when pathos will strike!

Tough and unpredictable is right - last night I drank like a fish, just like old times. Stayed up super late, bothered my roommate, made random friends in bars, the whole shebang. Probably about 12 drinks total. A nightmare. What prompted this? Got rejected from yet another job, one that I was really very attached to, and had gone to two interviews for. In the last interview, they were talking as though the job was already mine (this is where your desk will be, that kind of talk). It feels really malicious now. UGH. I feel very depressed today, I wish my boyfriend were here, and the horrible part is that I have to go out tonight because I have a friend visiting from California. I suspect I won't drink, but I still have to go to a bar. BLERG.

Hi EL

Sorry to hear about the jobs. Job hunting is so stressful, not that I've done it for years. I cried in the weekend at the end of "The Time Traveler's Wife". If you have kids one day, you'll cry over more movies and TV programs.

Your journey seems up & down at the moment and I sure can relate to that. Good luck for the next few nights with the friend from California.

Cheers
Sticky