It's great that you have the clarity. The reduction in numbers will follow. I think it was around week 30 or so that I applied some willpower, but I definitely did it way later than I needed to and was drinking out of habit for weeks. When you apply willpower the numbers will go down if you have had extinction. If they don't go down, you are still working your way through triggers.

I look forward to the day you can join the cured/regained control group. I also know it's coming.

My best,

Nick

Hello all.

I have not posted in a bit. Really busy at work and having a real increase in units despite the NAL. I still feel like this is going to work in the end, but it has been a struggle the last little while. Drank a lot each night the last while, but after a bad Sunday of about 12 units, I was able to have a AF Monday .

Will update soon.

The rollercoaster kicks in, in the form of an extinction burst. It's very unsettling and causes a lot of doubt, but it's almost an inevitable part of the process. Hang in there.

Hello All. Work has been so busy, and frankly, when you look at my Signature, my units for weeks 7 and start of week 8, it is clear that on most nights, I have been in no condition to post.

It is funny how I am tempted to lie to hide the truth on an anonymous (I hope) board such as this. However, because I have benefited from the threads of those who have come before me, I will continue to post the hard, cold, truth. This is to document my own personal journey through TSM, and hopefully to help others who come after me.

Tough week. I am back to drinking like in my past. I take my NAL, but I feel very little resistance or difference from the past. I am still mixing my Vodka (I feel guilty about this...I know that light beers are the way to go....and I am stocked up...but I still love my Vodka and have continued to drink, "...as I normally would.") Week 7 was a big drinking week again in my old pattern. Go to work, take care of kids, do whatever I have to do, and then start hitting the bottle once I am home for good. To review: I am a high functioning alcoholic with a very high profile job, and 4 school aged children who have lots of activities during the week.

The difference from the past is that I seem to shut down totally with NAL drinking after about 10 units. This is a ridiculously excessive amount per night, I know, but I can see that in the past, I had many 15+ unit nights. Now, when I hit 10 units (it takes a lot longer to get to that many units) I end up falling asleep, thankfully. I have not had a single night where I had to wake up and wonder how much I had drank. Another difference is a change in "cravings". In the past, as I waited for my personal/professional responsibilities to end each day before I started drinking, I would be really holding on and dying to get home and pour. I have continued to drink now, but not with the same desperation.

The weekend from week 7 to week 8 (I started on a Friday) didn't go so well. Big units Fri and Saturday. Sunday went poorly.

On Sundays, I used to start my boozing at noon or 1pm, have 4-10 units in the afternoon while watching sports or doing chores, have a late afternoon "nap" (pass-out). Then I would try to keep from my second stage of drinking until 7 to 8 or 9, but once I restarted, all bets were off. I would wake up 4 or 5 AM on Monday morning with my heart beating out of my chest, exhausted but unable to sleep. I would then check the vodka bottle to assess the damage that I had done to myself. Usually, I had drank a lot more than I meant to.

Then, I would go into Monday for work, feeling like garbage both physically and emotionally, and struggle to function until my head started to clear around noon. I would spend the morning swearing that I would not drink that night. By 4 or 5pm, I felt reasonable, and then the drinking Demon in my head would take over. Next thing I know, I am buying more liquor and putting away 12-18 units Monday night, and the miserable cycle would continue....

This past Sunday, I started with beer around 4pm. It was relatively easy to wait until then before I started. I intended on staying with beer. By 6pm, I had had about 5 beers. I had dinner and a 1 hr nap. Got up at 7pm and put on a movie with my boys. I mad the mistake of pouring a vodka mix, and another, and next thing I know it is 9:45 and I am stumbling up the stairs looking for my bed. My wife was in my room watching TV with my 10 yr old girl (I love my wife soooo much, and my children are angels). I fell asleep in my kid's bed. I vaguely remember my daughter waking me up to send me to my bed, and I woke up at 5AM, unable to sleep...ashamed at myself, etc. My wife got up and was mad like old times (I never blame her for my problems). She was mad, and didn't want to talk, as she has a lot of past hurts that she is working through. When I have a bad night like that, she fears that the past is coming back, and I don't blame her one bit.

I went for a 6am jog (5km) in an effort to sweat out the booze and try to make a positive out of the brutal night. Looking back, moving from beer to vodka was a big mistake. I felt like a completely depressed failure all day Monday at work. I promised myself not to drink on Monday night.

UNLIKE THE PAST, I did not drink Monday and did not take NAL for the first day in a long while. It was the first AF day that I have had in a while, and it really wasn't that hard to pull off. I held my wife in bed as I fell asleep and I was able to sleep, no problem. In the past, if I drank several days in a row and tried for an AF day, I would be unable to sleep for some reason. That was great, and I felt like a new man on Tuesday, and back to feeling positive about TSM.

Tuesday night, I had my NAL and 8-10 units. When I went to bed, I held my wife and we talked (unlike my drinking past where there was no way to have a decent conversation in the late evening). I thanked her for forgiving me of my bad Sunday and I explained to her that I was still an alcoholic and it got out of hand on Sunday.

The best thing that happened was that I said to her, "God, I hope this TSM is going to work." I still felt bad about the high units of the week before, and Sunday was a brutal reliving of the hell of my life for the last 2-3 yrs.

She said, "Don't you think it is about time that you admit that it IS WORKING?" I said, "Do you think that it is?". She said, "Well, things are so much better than they used to be...." That made me feel so good. I am a man of hope.

Tonight, she was out working, and I was home with the kids and that normally would have meant disaster. But tonight, I waited until after 9pm to drink with NAL...it is now 11:45pm and I am going to end up with a 10 unit day again, but with the clarity. My wife is happy. My dad called late last night and visited me tonight and said that him and my mom are thinking that I am doing well.

I think this TSM is working, but my addictive/alcoholic mind is trying desperately to find the old, "high" that booze used to bring, and is fighting my new-found inclination not to drink. I have continued to drink, but more and more, I am able to pause and consider what I am doing, and why. I believe that I am finally, "falling out of love" with this poisonous crap.

I find myself hating the taste of vodka...it is starting to feel harsh, like rubbing alcohol, and to enjoy my drink I am requiring more sugar and less water than before. I have 2-4 drinks and don't have the incredible compulsion to continue, but once I break through around 6-7 drinks, it goes down much more easily.

The next few days will be interesting. My wife is away the next 2 nights from home due to work. In the past 2-3 years, this was a disaster waiting to happen. She would go away, I would be hammered by 10PM despite my efforts not to, she would call at 11 or 12 and I would either be unable to answer or I would have a stupid drunken conversation. She would return from the trip furious at my lack of responsibility for the children (rightfully so) telling me that she couldn't enjoy the time away, because she feared for me and the kids because I was drunk. More shame for me, more arguing, more drinking....and the vicious cycle would continue.

If you managed to read this whole post to this point, Thank You!

I treasure this community, TSM, Nick and all of my friends on this site. All the best to the TSM community. I pray this works.

It's very easy for me to read your story. It makes me remember my bad old days and grateful for where I am now. And it makes me want to comb through your words for encouragement. And there is A LOT there that is very positive, despite the spike.

The increased clarity continues on, for the most part. Your wife and family's endorsement is huge: it is proof that your behavior is markedly improved, despite the numbers. In addition, several other members of "the cured" have reported an increased sensitivity to the taste/smell of alcohol. It happened to me late in the process when I was at a bar and was flooded by the smell of alcohol when people next to me were drinking shots. That had never happened to me before and since other members of "the cured" list reported it, I was very excited. So the hallmarks of your progress are very obvious to someone like me who has been there/done that.

And now for some tough love. "Drinking as you normally drink" does NOT mean continuing to nearly poison yourself with alcohol. It means continue to drink on a regular basis and every time you are triggered to drink. There is a passage somewhere in the book that states the frequency of extinction sessions is important; however, the number you have each session is not as crucial. It was either in the book or Eskapa responding to a question on the board, I'm not sure which. In any event, do not let your alkie brain rationalize, "I usually have twenty vodkas so it's fine to have twenty more." Nonsense. It's time to exert some willpower -- not in the frequency of your sessions, but in reducing the amount of vodka you have in one night.

I remember those 15+ vodka hangovers where I felt my whole body being squeezed in a vice. I always feared my BP was through the roof and I'm sure it was. The one time I had it checked I ended up in the hospital with a morphine drip. And I'm your age -- extremely high BP now during hangovers/withdrawals is a serious matter and could result in stroke/heart attack, etc.. Take that vodka and flush it down the sink. Just as you rationally choose to take your pill in advance, you can rationally pick your poison during this spike. And you are doing yourself a huge disservice by drinking that poison. It's toxic. There is no way that 15 light beers isn't way healthier and safer than 15 shots of vodka, IMO. It also takes so much longer to drink beer and you'll get full and probably pass out before the 15. Do you want to avoid those ridiculous drunken conversations with you wife? Do you want to avoid passing out in your daughter's bed? Switch to beer and the problem will be solved.

So, please tell me on your next post that you are drinking beer only. Do that for a few days and it will be night and day different.

Hang in there.

My best,

Nick

PS

At some point -- I think it was around week 25 or so -- I got so discouraged I stopped posting my numbers briefly because I didn't want to discourage others with THE TRUTH. Later, I posted them and concluded, "If you can't be honest on an anonymous boozer board, when can you be?" So, by all means, post nothing but the truth. It will be helpful to both you and those who follow.

JDog, I really identify with your story. I can read the guilt between the lines you have about not being present for your wife and kids and I recognize much of what you describe in my past behavior. Of all the things I am ashamed of reading bedtime stories to my kids while drunk is probably one of the worst. Thank God they are young and enough time has gone by for me to forgive myself. You are making progress but you are going to have a few more months of roller coaster before you see results reflected in your numbers. Take heart in the subjective improvements you feel in reduced craving, better clarity and awareness of your drinking and glimpses of control you will get. Let nal chip away at the addiction the first 3-5 months then you will be able to flex those control muscles better. You'll want to take that run after the kids go to bed or talk to your wife or make love to her without alcohol on your breath instead of drinking every night. I had my kids last night alone; we walked to dinner and the store, did baths, homework, everyone tucked in with alcohol-free kisses. It never even crossed my mind to have a drink last night. When they were all down I had a nice Pellegrino, flipped channels, checked TSM.net and got a good nights sleep. This is what's waiting for you and without getting divorced because you've found the answer in time. You are showing signs of responding to nal. Take heart, I'm rooting for you.

Great posts. I love the couragous honesty. Hang in there JDog

You are noticing the small changes that can make a huge difference. These are all positive signs. Your post reminds me that sometimes "to get out of hell, you must go through it". The miracle of TSM for many of us is gradual and at times unnoticed. I am confident that you will be among the 78% who will eventually look back and realize that you have somehow made it to the other side. Nick often writes about that borderline where you get to choose one side or the other. It's not always apparent, but it is on the horizon for you. In my experience, I just started to realize I had a choice to take the next drink or not. I remember vacillating and over time this vacillation lasted long enough that it was time to go to bed, or a glass of ice water somehow seemed more appealing. These are such gradual/small changes that await you. You are only just beginning. Celebrate the small victories; don't beat yourself up too much when you start experiencing extinction bursts against the background of prior successes.
Nal on!!

Started TSM Oct. 28
Pre-TSM 77u-90u USA
Control within 4 months and indifferent to alcohol after 5 months.

10,10,13,0,9,10,6(Light Beer only!)=58 (1AF)

Well, still big #'s. The bright side is the 1 AF day and the 58 total which is less than some of my bad weeks.

The best news was last night (and tonight). I decided that it was time to ditch the vodka. That crap was tasting like petrol lately anyway. It goes down too fast. Lately, I need more sugary juice or soda to mix which means more calories and carbs.
(Plus my man Nick hit me with some 'tough love' and I couldn't let him down)

This resulted in a wonderful 6 last night. Wonderful b/c my wife is away on business. Even before my drinking became totally ridiculous, a night like that was a 12-18 unit nightmare for sure.

I had to drive kids to lessons etc until around 8:30 PM. I chugged 2 quick, had 4 more, and around 10:30 decided that that was enough and went to bed. Had a great sleep. This beer thing is going to do the trick. I actually don't want the vodka - something I had tried to kick for 3 yrs to no avail.

I am 4 beers in tonight on her 2nd night away, which is another victory. No vodka in house.

Thank you to all who read and support me. It means the world to me.

I'm hoping for a good reduction in units in week 9. All the best to the TSM warriors!

Awesome, JDog!!! I completely know what you mean about drinking with the wife away. Mine's at a movie with a friend and the kids are asleep...normally this would be my own personal party. I have had 2.25 beers since she left over 2 1/2 hours ago. This third beer is not going down smooth either. May be done soon. But, I am REALLY early in the process (honeymoon). I will take it though!! As Nick says...I can't recall anyone going through the honeymoon that TSM didn't work for!!