Big, deep, and from the bowels of my soul I am letting out a miserable sigh.

Yes, I've managed to do it again.

I am so sick of me.

I woke up around 4:30 a.m. I had passed out on the couch. I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth. But I did manage to eat a second frozen pizza. Thank God they are the single serving size. But still. I do not even recollect nuking a second pizza. Yet, of course, there was the evidence strewn on my living room floor. "Living" room. That is laughable.

Also on the floor was my cell phone, in two pieces, and my purse and Ripley rummaged through it. I know this because my pack of cinnamon gum is bitten through several times. Now, I, Ketchikan1-- a detective hot on the trail of my alcoholic self, see that there is a full beverage glass of pinot grigio and a nearly polished off bottle of budweiser beer on the kitchen counter. Sweet. I have absolutely no memory of having cracked open a bottle of brew.

Most disconcerting, and it's all disconcerting, is that a couple of nights back I noticed that the cover of my toilet was unhinged. Well, this morning I found that the cover AND the toilet seat both are disconnected. Really?

Really.

And this too... the text on my computer is small. I don't get it. So now I have to take this dell laptop, YET AGAIN, to the computer shop. And I have to make my way to the damn hardware store and fix my toilet and pick up my stupid high blood pressure medication from the pharmacy so my chin will return to normal coloration-- it is red at the present.

Do you see why I am so tired of living with this alcoholic? Christ on a crutch. I really feel like it is a Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde dichotomy. I don't know this blacked-out person who stumbles about eating, drinking, breaking toilets, and who knows what the f@#k else.

Forgive my profanity. I am... God... what am I? Puzzled, befuddled, wary of this situation. Wanting this all to change. And I know that I know that this change will not happen soon enough.

On I go,

Ketchikan1

I'm sorry you had such a lousy night! I hope the plumbing part gets squared away.

With the computer, you could try pressing ctrl and ++. If you keep pressing + the text on your screen will get larger. I hope it works for you anyway. It would be one less thing to deal with on a crappy Monday morning.

Anyway, please hang in there. Maybe try to eat healthy today?

I'll be think of you.

What can I say Ketch....sorry....so sorry. That is a big fat drag. Who knows why you drink to black-out but read Sticky's thread....her bag lady story will cheer you up. Just keep going. We are there for you.

Thanks HG for the support! And thank you Prairie, that computer advise worked!

That engineer that I have been seeing is in town again. He played hero and fixed my toilet. Well, it is a boy job as it involved using tools. Bugs, rodents, oil changes, car stuff, ladders, heavy lifting, and things involving batteries all fall into the "Boy Job" column.

I did warn him that I had not showered and was having a lazy morning. He said, "Well you should on your day off." Damn skippy.

But see what I'm doing? It's painfully obvious to me. I mean all of this dis ease is perpetuated by alcoholism. I am omitting this important fact from him.

I get away with this because I am highly functioning. Don't miss work. Ever. And I have the ability to clean up nicely. I feel like I am leading a double life. And I am if truth be told. I'm sick of carrying this monkey on my back. It's a damn heavy load.

So, he did ask me if I am an alcoholic. I dodged it. He knows that I am tapering off booze and should have the habit wrapped up in a year. That's the truth.

He and I are going to dinner and then watch Netflix in his hotel room. He is sexy.

The question: Will I drink? I think probably so. As is the Modis Operendi. For now......... today.

Gotta shower, shampoo and shine.

Thanks again for being here all!

Sincerely,

Ketchikan1

Goody! I was hoping it would.



Also things involving toilets, except for the cleaning part apparently.

I hope your night out is everything you want it to be.

I remember those types of days. They SUCK. Hang in there. Better days are ahead.

Ketchikan, your posts are a veritable treat to read! I am sorry that sometimes the humour is in fact covering some pretty bad feelings...but I know how it is, I am quite the same way. (And it's a lot easier to be jolly about misery on the internet than in person, I find!).
I really wish you all the best of luck.
And I hear you about fearing that life will be boring without booze. I have quite a few non-booze activities that I enjoy, but unfortunately most of my socializing is in situations that either revolve around booze or at least include booze. It's hard when you feel like you need to change not only your behaviour patterns, but the people you hang out with (or their behaviour patterns!). When I have had sober spells (not usually more than a month at a time), it hasn't been a challenge to find fulfilling activities for myself during the day...but weekend nights are tough, man. It's really hard roping people into doing stuff that doesn't involve booze. Maybe it's because I'm still quite young (almost 30), or maybe simply because I've formed bonds with other drinkers, I don't know. But I guess what I mean to say in this rambling is that yes, sometimes not drinking at first can cause periods of discomfort, boredom, dissatisfaction...you're not having as much fun, whatever. But I know now that it's possible to ride through those moods and be thankful for a hangover free day in the morning, for example. Also, I have made a point of trying to do lots of new stuff when not drinking - I'm going to try low flying trapeze lessons soon!!!
Hope this helps. I'm rooting for ya.
EL

Hi Ketch

Sorry to hear about your crap night. Like HG said, read my bag lady story and you might feel better! At least you didn't run away from home and always turn up to work!
It's a bugger but TSM takes a long time to work for most of us, as you've no doubt read. Patience is certainly not one of my virtues.
Hope you had a fun night out & are feeling better.

Cheers
Sticky

Thank you all a thousand times for your continual support!!!!!!

Well, I had an exceptional evening with Mark. He is wining and dining me. I even received a boquet of lilies! I told him that men earn points for such extravagance. He said he was just having plain fun. I say, keep the spoiling coming then!

He really is very tender and very thoughtful.

Now, I believe I've mentioned that he asked if I was an alcoholic. I think he got that idea when last time we hung out I bought three bottles of wine and one bottle of champagne and proceeded to get sloshed. Last night at dinner, I found the opportunity to tell him about TSM and Naltrexone. He listened intently and actually wrapped his brain around the concept. He has a brother who has his own dental practice who late in life picked up a nasty cocaine habit. The doctor would disappear for days on end, leaving his many patients who had previously booked appointments-- in the dust.

Well, that's typical addictive behavior: An addict has no concern for consequences.

So the point is, addiction has been in Mark's peripheral vision. Now, it's right in front of him-- me, oh so steeped in alcoholic tendancy.

Good thing we have chemistry that boils over with lava-like heat. That is sooooooo nice! And pretty rare in my experience. You know that white heat that burns because it is purely and undeniably there. I think it all boils down to pheramones. You know, our scent. We are, at our genetic core, animals.

I'll see Mark once more today and then he'll be gone for a month. He's visiting his family in Ohio and his two sons are competing in a national archery thing. So be it.

I've never been a clinging vine. And Patrick is arriving Saturday and will be flopping on my couch for who knows how long. This is going to be interesting!

Going to the nurse practioner this morning. Let's see what medical progress has been made. She ordered a number of blood tests last month. To the tune of $978.00! So I need an explanation for that bill. I had no idea she was ordering so many tests.

Thank you all again for your being here and caring enough to walk beside me on this journey!

I'm going to read Sticky's Bag Lady story now.

Have a good one,

Ketchikan1

So, of all the blood tests that were ordered recently, the one that was most needed was somehow omitted. However, last Tuesday another blood test was taken. I need to periodically check my thyroid levels. Here's why: back when I was 17 years old I contracted Graves Disease. I was attending a performing arts high school in Florida and all of sudden it appeared to others that my behavior and energy were majorly erratic.

What it was was, my thyroid gland moved to a hyper zone. I had a pulse rate of 120 beats per minute. I developed a goiter and my eyes popped slightly out. I was taken to an institution of sorts and a week later a doctor identified the real problem: a thyroid out of whack.

My mother, as my legal gaurdian, chose to kill my thyroid off via radiation iodine versus going under the knife. She did not want me to suffer a neck scar for the rest of my life. I had no choice in the matter. I was a minor with a severe problem and doctors said that it was just a matter of time before I burned my heart out.

Fast forward to yesterday. The thyroid level results came back and Jennifer Hurlbutt, my nurse practitioner called me. I am in the danger zone. Even though I have been taking Armour, which is a natural thyroid supplement, my levels are basically nonexistant.

I am seeing a specialist first thing Monday morning. The situation is evidently dire. Virilent. So be it.

I am just all kinds of f%#@ed up! Swell!

Also, I worked yesterday and took a Nal at work so I could begin drinking when I walked in the door. Naturally I walked to the liquor store and bought a 1.5 litre as well as a normal sized bottle of wine. However, when I awoke at 2:00 a.m. from apparently having blacked out (I'm thinking around 9-ish) I washed my face, brushed my teeth, took some vitamins and high blood pressure medication for my heart that's a-racing, I looked in the fridge, as I do every day, to see exactly what I consumed, and much to my surprise there was a second 1.5 litre bottle of wine! It is still in the bag!

Holy Black Out!

I evidently returned to the store sometime last night..... yet I have ABSOLUTELY NO RECOLLECTION of walking there, shopping there, returning home from there, etc.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dang. I can just picture my blacked out self stumbling back to the store. God!!!!

I am still drinking at high levels. Still blacking out. Still having to collect clues and piece together nightly occurances. Sigh.

I'd like to think that I am extinguishing this behavior with each and every drinking session! Please old time TSMers-- Tell me something good! Tell me that as messed up as I am, I am on track. That my abnormality IS normal!!!!

I am worried that I am in that 20% group that Nal doesn't seem to fix.

I am seeing very little progress.

And here comes Patrick. He arrives this evening from Pennsylvania. He's bringing his guitar, two bags, a hope and a prayer. I haven't seen him since 1996. It'll be interesting to say the least!

By for now and I welcome any responses,

Ketchikan1