Hi JDog - I feel for you and appreciate your long post. Yep, being in the grips of alcohol is a drag and very scary. Your post helped me remember that when I first started TSM I was in the grips. I would start drinking and never know where it was going to take me. Would I quit before I got drunk? Would I slur my words or yell in front of the kids? Would I fall down in front of the kids? Would I tell my wonderful husband what a loser he is? That last one is tough. I have a wonderful husband. Reading your post I now remember 16 weeks ago that I would never know what dread I would feel the next morning after drinking. I would never know what day my husband would finally say..."That's it. I'm leaving you because you are a hopeless drunk!" I haven't had a morning in weeks and weeks where I woke up with any dread. I haven't had a morning in weeks and weeks where my husband asked me if I remembered something I had done the night before. I still drink way too much and have more work to do but things have changed dramatically in 16 weeks. I drink with some control now. I can stop before I get drunk. So, thanks for your long post. It made me realize my own progress. You too will get here. Hang in there.

Gedday JDog, good posting. Your doubts, like others have said, are par for the course at your stage. Like you I have kids and a wife who "didn't sign up for me becoming an alcoholic". She has doubtless thought I leaving me numerous times in the past and I don't blame her one bit. At my worst last May I left the family home because I didn't won't to put those I love through my demise. I also went to AA and was abstinent until the alcohol deprivation factor kicked in and I had a binge from hell which ended with me losing my license. Anyway then I found TSM and began in Nov 2010. I initially, like you, thought this is too good to be true and my wife worried that it was just another excuse for me to keep drinking. But with time (I'm 20 weeks in) I and my wife have seen progress, although there have been some ups and downs (especially early on). The science behind TSM does work but you have to be patient. You may need to remind your wife of this also because she may become discouraged by what she believes is a lack of progress especially if she has read the book and thinks it takes 3 months (like many of us did before we came onto this forum). Anyway best of luck JDog, early signs are good.

Hi JDog

I've enjoyed reading all your posts and related to so much of what you have said. I am fortunate to still have my husband and kids after my years of being in AA and stuffing up big time when the ol' deprivation effect set in. I was kicked out for 7 weeks a couple of years ago and I was so miserable. Since reading Eskapa's book my hubby has understood addiction much better. He is not an alcoholic but he can relate it to his struggles with cigarettes.

All the best for your journey with TSM.

Cheers
Sticky

Thank you very much to everyone for support and comments. It is all so helpful.

Well, had a long drinking night Wednesday. Work was cancelled due to snowstorm, and around 4pm I took the NAL and settled in for drinks. Had 12 units by the time I checked in to bed around 1AM. As usual, too much but it is still different. Dragged the drinking out over a long period of time, and had my sense about me the whole time, but I was a little upset at the amount. Oh well.

Last night, had a big gathering with my old friends. It's a long story, but 10 of us get together and have an evening of fun with sports once a year. It has been a gigantic drinking binge every time. A couple of my friends know of my troubles with booze and rehab, and I am not interested in sharing my adventure with TSM with anyone besides my wife. I am afraid everyone will think I am recklessly drinking again and I have a lot of caring friends, relatives, who would be very worried as they wouldn't understand. Sometime I will have to come out with this plan, but for some reason, I am scared now. My mom will be terrified if she finds out, and my dad too as his brother was big in AA.

Anyhow, I had planned to make the night AF. Great success. It was amazing. I went with my bottled water and diet Pepsi, and while everyone around me pounded beers, and had a great time, I was perfectly fine. There is certainly something to the Alcohol Deprivation Effect. I remember last year, I went and tried to AF it, but I was white-knuckling and snuck a few drinks on the side, before going home and topping it all off with the vodka.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I really didn't miss it and I wasn't gripping. It was a great time. I went home and once again, I have booze in my house and it was late, and I could have had a few but I wasn't tempted to. It is only since starting NAL that I can actually have booze in the house and ignore it. The past 3-5 years, I had to clear the place out and I tried to buy it in a measured amount each day, or else all Hell would break loose and I would wake up having worked through 15-20 units and wondering what the heck happened.

Somehow, the fact that I have been drinking, and I know that I have the option to tonight and this weekend made sitting out Thursday easier. I'm sure the NAL is working.

This weekend my wife and kids and I are away for a family weekend in a hotel. I am planning to drink on NAL, and in a reasonable amount.

Week #2 Summary (Friday to Thursday)
I tally it as 10, 3, 10, AF, 5, 12 (I took a second look at Wed, i think 12 is accurate), AF

So Total is 40 with 2 AF. I guess that's not too bad. I expected a lot less drinkingthis week as I was back at work. As I said before, I was having 3-5 AF days a week, with 2-4 big 15 unit binges in the last couple of weeks before I started TSM.

I was encouraged that on my 2 AF days, I wasn't craving very badly at all. I don't like the big number days of 10 or more, but that's what happened. I am going to see how a second "regular" week of work and family activities go.

Our drinking patterns and numbers both pre-TSM and post-TSM are comparable. I continued to have 10 plus drinking days and multiple AF days per week until week 32 or so. Hang in there, you'll get there.

Good going JDog - 40 is quite an accomplishment this early in the process. It may still be the honeymoon effect but in either case it is a good sign for you. I like your attitude.

Went away with family for a weekend.

It felt like how I used to drink on vacations many years ago before things got out of hand. There is no question that NAL slows things down. At my worst, once I had a drink or two, look out. I was going to drink as much as possible, as fast as possible until passing out. This weekend, I knew I was going to drink, so I always took NAL early enough. I was able to drink the 8 units over a couple of hours, not get the crazy demon desire to drink, and stop and went to sleep.

Each night, my demon voice tries to suggest to me that I should drink before taking NAL and waiting an hour. Thus far, I have not failed in that regard and I intend not to. I take this as a sign that this is going to work. I have held off until 1hr after taking NAL every time. That has been a mini challenge, but nothing like trying to fight off the urge to drink for a night. It is much easier to hold off the desire to drink until an hour after taking the pill, than trying to abstain, obviously.

Same deal on Saturday night. I had 8 units and conked out in hotel. When I woke up, there was a full glass of booze filled spirits on my table that I poured out. Without NAL, that glass would have been consumed, no doubt. I was a little foggy each morning but not hungover. Once again, more than I would like to have in a night, but compared to what I would have normally done in a hotel on a weekend away....pretty good.

Sunday I got home and started around 5pm. I have vowed never to drink without NAL and have stuck to it. My wife gets worried and spooked and wants to avoid me when she smells liquor and I can hardly blame her. But it is hard to tell her that it is different now, and it is. I seem to be able to stay relatively clear headed longer, and at some point, I have had enough for the night. Sunday, after 10 units, I had a cold poured beer beside me and I decided that I had enough, left it, and went to bed. Poured it out this morning. That would not ever have happened without NAL.

So I guess the Friday to Sunday damage is 8, 8, and 10. No hangovers, and basically no regrets. I know that kind of drinking is unhealthy, but compared to my bad times 1 yr ago, it is ok. I was really afraid that if I drank on NAL, it would get really out of hand quickly and spiral out of control. That has not happened, despite the big numbers. The NAL has slowed each night down, put a limit and allowed me to go to bed and stop drinking

I feel the buzz, I consider whether or not I should stop drinking or continue, and usually I have a few more. But to stop at 8 or even 10 is not my normal pattern.

I keep telling myself that each time I have NAL, wait and hour and then drink some, I am "treating my problem". I sure hope I am. I know that I am very early in this process, but frankly, I don't like to drink a lot. I don't like how I feel in the morning after drinking, and I don't like how it reminds me of earlier, scary, and hellish times. I don't like my wife avoiding me and I don't like not hugging her as we sleep because I am ashamed to blow my alcoholic breath at her.

And I dream of the success that others have had on this board. How amazing it would be to have this compusion behind me, and have my brain re-wired. That is my dream, my hope with this method.

Your dream will eventually be realized, I'm sure of it.

Our stories are very similar. If you read my progress thread you will see that I was doing and reporting the exact same things early on in the process. I continued to drink 8-10 on the big nights, but it was COMPLETELY different from pre-TSM. Rather than having 8-10 in an hour or two and being blotto, I was having that much over a much longer period of time and remained fully aware of what's going on. I went to bed with my senses instead of passing out. I remembered everything the next day. I no longer had the compulsion to get wasted immediately. And, several times, at the end of the night I stopped drinking and poured out a glass of booze. Contrast that with pre-TSM: I had reached the low point of drinking other people's leftovers at the end of the night if there was no more booze. Try telling yourself you don't have a problem when you are in your friend's kitchen at 2 AM, drinking his wife's backwash... And tell me the difference between those two scenarios is not night and day.

You are also gradually falling out of love with alcohol. It's kind of like falling out of love with a partner: you were so infatuated before that you overlooked all of the obvious warts. But as time went on, you recognized that there were things about the person you could not stand, and you fell out of love. You are now able to see the warts of alcohol: the effect it has on your family, that God-awful feeling you have when you wake up, etc. Funny, but pre-TSM you didn't notice these things so much as you blindly chased after the heavier buzz regardless of cost. TSM gradually takes away that insanity. You now have the ability to do a cost/benefit analysis of your next drink. You will find that as you progress with TSM, the negatives slowly get bigger and bigger and the rewards gradually get smaller and smaller. Soon, all that is left is your complete amazement that you ever let your life get so utterly and completely turned upside down by alcohol.

This will work for you. I've read almost every post on this board from the beginning. And NO ONE ever saw your increase in control and reduction in numbers, only to conclude TSM did not work for them.

Congratulations, you are on your way.

Thank you as always, Nick for your post and encouragement. I am reading your story (it is quite extensive), and I thank you for it. The similarities are amazing. I hope it has a similar ending for me.

6 units last night after work. Was kind of planning for an AF but, took my NAL and had a few. I do seem to have gotten past an early stage of NAL. I don't feel the resistance to the next drink as forcefully as the first week, for sure. Trusting that the brain in rewiring.... I certainly wouldn't have stopped at 6 a year ago, and I have open bottles in the house.

Felt fine in the morning, but I am getting that puffed up pink face again that I hate. I have to eat better and work exercise into my daily routine. Took my NAL already and hope to keep my units down tonight.