please help me
I am a terrible addict, things have gotten so bad for me since i started this thing....am going on horrendous benders every time i drink despite 3 0r 4 AF days at a time....takin the nal and with absolute determination to be sensible but as soon as i have a drink i just forget all the good intentions and just get wasted for days, i am taking cocaine again too like a madman, its as if on a subconcious level the nal is giving me an excuse, i am living for those few hours of blissful indulgence and enjoyment with no regard for the consequences which are utterly miserable....but thats the hold this addiction has on me, its so powrful, its so alluring, so crafty, i am so determind but as soon as the alcohol hits me i am off.......i am so scared....i don't know what to do, i am going to kill myself soon, i am not being melodromatoc, my liver is going to pack up, i know it is.....i know this thing requires patience but for my brand of chronic binge alcoholism i just have real trouble beleiving this can work for me.....i was SO excited when i found this, i thought it was the answer to my prayers but i am destroying my life....but i just dont think i can stay sober for any decent length of time.....i have tried so many times.....what shal i do, shall i percevere??....has anyone experienced anything similiar, has anyone got any advice, please community.......this is going to get me, i don't want to be a statistic.....i am so scared.....am shaking on my own in my flat, the place is a mess....i am a mess.....i am sorry for this but i don't know where else to turn and i just need some advice, thankyou, thankyou. I just want all this to be over, I want a life witout all this despair and pain.....what do i need to do? waht do i need to do?!!?!?!?!?!? So sorry to be the bearer of such bad news on a site where everyone is finding hope but i just have to tell it how it is...i just reallly need some support right now, tghanks, thanks

Dear GuitarCharlie,
I am into the program with only a few weeks like you and I completely feel your pain. My drinking is as bad as ever, even though the first few weeks it was better. Everyone on this board comments on the dreaded spike and the need for lots of patience, so I just keep coming here and reading and posting to keep the hope.
You are not alone, millions of us are suffering from this evil desease. Millions of people are feeling your pain. I am feeling your pain. And it really sucks, but I like you are working hard with TSMto get better. And by the results posted on this board the odds are with us.
Get on your knees and pray and cry, weather you believe in a god or just our collected energy- you wil feel better. And remember you are not bad the alcohol is bad.
I hope someone who has gone thru what you are experiencing will post how they got thru it and are healed now.
Peace and Love,
BH

dear community, kinda feeling bad about my rant, its a bit unfair to dump all this on you when i guess i already know the answer....there is no alternative....i just gotta keep taking the pill and hope i can get cured or at the least better before i become a croppper......i am gonna really focus on AF days...i guess i am lucky in that AF days are ok for me cos after a bender like this, its just a bloody relief....i will take the NAL before drinking of course.....i am going to stop beeing foolish and putting myself in heavy drinking situations as its just not sensible, but i just tgought that if i prepared, i cd handle it but for now i simply cannot....i mean, i have said that before and it diesn't always help(when my addict wants to drink, it wants to drink.....)but at least its something.....i can organise my life in advance and make sure i keep myself as safe as poss, situations really affect me as often my drinking is born out of feeling anxious and uncomforatble in certain social situations....i just feel very clammed up and boring quite frankly, awkward and feel like i have nothing to offer.....but when i have a few drinks and even some cocaine i just kinda come alive, its as if the real me who is funny and exciting comes out(i realise this is bollox but its very convincing...)....its intoxicating....the positives are that since taking NAL i hav really become aware and accepted my issues as a person and this can only help. Before I convince myself that i just liked 'having a good time'. its sheer irrational madness.
sorry hope i havn't wastd your time....i have read a whole load of posts again and feel a bit more upbeat but i am just very scared..this level of drinkong benders is fatal....at 33, i know my lives are running out fast...I am gonna stick to it, thats the best i can do, I pray that I can find succcess with it so I can start living like a man, not like a bleeding fool. The fight is on....and man, this fuckin condition is utterly miserable but i still have hope, i am grateful for that

Dear Blue Hen - i just saw your reply, thanks so much, it really means alot to me

Hey man. I've been there. I know the coke is tough. It can be done though. I don't know about the effectiveness of Nal on Cocaine. I would try to stick to alcohol, I think all bets are off when coke is involved. Hang in there. If it gets too bad where you are feeling desperate, please call a help line, go to the ER, call someone in NA, do something to save your ass. The great thing about being as sick as you feel is that you can only get better. Don't give up before the miracle happens. Alcohol is a depressant and coming down off coke makes one depressed too, so you are really going through the wringer.
I feel for you man. Keep posting.
Dave

Hey guitarcharlie. Don't feel bad about ranting or posting when times are tough for you. That's what this board is for.

Dealing with alcoholism and cocaine at the same time must be tough. I have no experience with coke so I wouldn't know. I'm not sure if nal has any effect on cocaine. Please do whatever you can to limit your cocaine use. I know that that is much easier said than done. You could try seeing an addiction specialist or trying NA/AA.

As far as your alcoholism goes, I know before I told you to just take your nal and drink as you normally would, but maybe in your case it would be a good idea like you said to start exerting some self control even this early in TSM. And maybe wait some time before you start exposing yourself to those situations where you drink heavily. Eventually, you'll have to do that to extinguish those triggers, but it sounds like to me, right now you are drinking at such dangerous levels that it might be better to wait until you are further along in the program.

But I can definitely identify with those horrible feelings you are experiencing. I used to feel the same way all the time during the depths of my alcoholism. But I haven't felt that way in long time because of TSM. There's hope for you and you are not a bad person. Just don't give up.

Hi Guitar Charlie, we all feel your pain. We have all been there to some degree. I also have no experience with coke but think that because its effects different neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) it may not respond to naltrexone. On the other hand alcohol certainly does BUT it does take time and patience. I am at week 14 and my drinking hasn't decreased as much as I would have hoped yet but I am confident it will in the full course of time. Remember you are only at the start and this is a journey. All journeys start with just one step. I know how it feels to have your confidence rocked and feel as though everything is falling apart but just hang in there as best you can. Your confidence will return with small little victories along the way. Hang in there bro, things will definitely get better!

thanks guys. i have been to this hell hole every week for 15 years. No joke. 3 day bender, huge amounts of units and coke....4 days off, back to square one. The fact i have not found the strength to get out of it is so distressing to me. The fact I can let myself down and others around me with such disregard is horrible. But yes, I remind myself that I have a serious condition. It doesn't help though sometimes, esp when you feel this desperate and low. I sincerely hope NAL can do it in the long run. There is a large section in the book where Eskapa talks about it helping for coke too. The awful thing is that I had not done it for a while and when i read that i guess my addict saw another chance to indulge
I will keep plodding along, trying my best. Yes Tambo, all dangerous situations to now be vehemently avoided ahead of time(ie planning my evenings in advance according to safe situations). This can only help althugh I suspect i have many many more of these to get thorugh before I hopefully get somewhere.
Thanks for the support everyone, its so welcome.

I agree with Dave on this: you gotta get the coke out of the equation. I have been there with that stuff, and it just changes everything when its in the mix. Can you separate the coke experience from the alcohol experience? I had to do that long before TSM just because I knew my body wasn't going to take it very long. The reward systems of these two drugs are really different, and the resulting conditioning confusion is going to be a tough circumstance for TSM to work in.

I remember the days of hiding in my dark and dirty apartment, dreading that anyone might come by to see me, or call me up. Ringer turned off, all the shades pulled. Not eating because I couldn't leave the house to get food. Being nasty to my friends just to get them out of my life. Total Isolation.

Do whatever you have to do to get away from the coke. Then turn your attention to the alcohol, using TSM. And remember you don't have to ever feel bad about posting your troubles here: that is what this forum is for. If it were just a feel-good fest about how great TSM is working for us all and how uplifted we all are, it would begin to lose its power to connect with the people who are still struggling - the people who most need the help.