Hi everyone

Today i am posting before 6am as I have been awake since some ungodly hour. Grrrr! At least i am not drinking while posting and am also not hungover.
This week has been a good one for me, with what feels like some progress. One night I only had 1.5 drinks (after an AA meeting!) and was happy to get my boys to bed then go to bed myself. The next night i had about 6.5 drinks and was able to stop. hubby said the next day that i stopped because the wine ran out, but i pointed out that that hasn't stopped me in the past. We do have some hideous banana liquer in our shed. In the past i wouldn't have let the fact that it tasted yuck stop me if i wanted to keep drinking. In fact in the past i would have asked hubby to hide it away somewhere where i couldn't find it. This to me is great progress. I felt much better yesterday after having 6.5 drinks than if i'd had a bottle of wine or more. (NZ units is 7.5 in a bottle of wine.)
Sometimes i am wildly optimistic about TSM working for me. I realise I need to be cautiously optimistic as this does not work for everyone. I still think it is the best thing i have come across for a long long time and it has already been life changing.
The appointment with my GP went well. I was pleased hubby came along for his own health issues so we had a double appointment. I felt a bit less nervous with him there to back me up. My GP was great - he read the Wikipedia summary and asked if i wanted to give it a try. I said I had already been doing it for 2 months and he didn't say anything. Sent me off for my liver function test which hopefully will be AOK. I will still need to go to CADS ( Community Alcohol and Drug Services) when the new script runs out as they will need to apply for another special authority from the Ministry of Health. But I know it will be OK as Kiwichick did this before me. Thanks Kiwi!
Am somewhat ambivalent about AA again. I went to a 2nd meeting this week which was good and i saw some old familiar faces. But i can't be honest there about what i am doing and i don't meet the 3rd tradition of "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." Will discuss how i feel with my sponsor tomorrow. She is of course insistent that I don't give up AA. Am happy to keep going to my home group in the meantime but not sure about other meetings. I do actually like to be honest most of the time, believe it or not!

I hope everyone is having a good week. Take care of yourselves.
Hugs

Sticky














My progress so far: (NZ units)

Week 1: 1,8,AF,3,AF,AF,3.5 total 15.5,3AF
Week 2: AF,8,8,AF,AF,4,8 total 28, 3AF
Week 3: 4,8,AF,8,AF,5,AF total 25, 3AF
Week 4: 16,AF,8,7,AF,10,AF total 41, 3AF
Week 5: 7,12,8,AF,8,AF,8 total 43, 3AF
Week 6: AF,5,12,AF,AF,8,AF total 25, 4AF
Week 7: AF,14,AF,6,AF,5,AF total 25, 4AF
Week 8: 8, AF, 12, 12, AF, 1.5, 1.5 total 35, 2AF
Week 9: 12, AF, 10, 2,AF, 10, AF total 32, 3AF
Week 10: 9, AF, 10, AF,1.5, 6.5, AF total 27

Hey Sticky - Great week for you. It's nice to have lower units per week, huh? As for AA, don't beat yourself up. AA will always be there. If you don't want to go back, don't! This is your life and your process. AA may not be right for you right now. Maybe catch some Al-Anon meetings instead. I was drinking heavily and still going to Al-Anon up until a couple of years ago. After 30 years in the program I decided I had gotten enough and branched out into more metaphysical studies, but I know the program is always there for me if I need it.

Glad you had a good week. We are both on track for success. A couple of weeks ago I decided to stop overthinking this whole TSM thing like many have said to do and I noticed that I have had greater progress over the last two weeks. My new motto is Nal+AL until I don't want AL anymore (or no longer care that much about AL)!

Keep posting.

HG

Hi Sticky,

Thanks for your post on my thread. If your 12-year old is interested in graphing your units, I would recommend this website:

http://nces.ed.gov/nceskids/createagraph/

It was given to me by some of the other folks who have been around for a while. If you want to post your results, I was also given:

http://post.imageshack.us/

This will allow you to post the information on their site and then just copy the "direct link" address to post on your thread as an "Img" using the button above while writing your reply. This may be more technology then you are interested in but I found it helpful when other members had given it to me.

I understand how hard it must be to not be honest in your AA group. I was in AA for almost 24 years. One of the messages they offer is that lack of honesty hinders us. However, I also understand that it would be tough to participate in this kind of group and tell them that you are considering an approach that supports drinking towards an end goal. This probably wouldn't (and hasn't based on other people's experiences) been well received. Certainly, there is much personal growth that can take place by using some of AA's guiding principles. It's group members are usually well intentioned and it works well for many people I personally know. But, it isn't the only game in town

Find what works best for you and pursue that. If that included marrying more than one program until you find what you need - by all means do just that. I've been attending SMART online. The face-to-face meeting are limited and I've figured out how to do CHAT meetings. They are real-time and, in my case, are more consistent with what rings true for me based on a lifetime of experience with my own alcoholism. I also find TSM to be legitimate (albeit riskier) for me and it seems to be little-by-little working on my addiction.

Best of luck. I'll continue to check in!! BTDT

Thanks HG & BTDT for your support and helpful suggestions.

I will continue with 1 or 2 AA meetings/week in the meantime and see how it goes. Going to my home group and meeting with my sponsor afterwards is still helpful, since she is supporting me in trialling TSM.

I will give the techno suggestions a go. Failing that my son I'm sure would do it. He is fascinated with computers and even writes his own small programs for fun. Perhaps he will be a wealthy IT guy one day!

Take care both of you.

Sticky

Hi Sticky, congratulations on a good week. The TSM journey is all about small little victories and you seem to having those. Its sounds like your attitude to alcohol is shifting and thats what I feel is happening to me (as you know I am just a few weeks ahead of you). Good to hear your AA sponsor is supporting you with TSM and I can understand as the others do that attending meetings whilst still actively drinking must feel a little strange. Find what mix works for you. I think that we all came to be alcohol addicted in our own way so the solution to our alcoholism has to be individual as well. I think sometimes that AA says the opposite and that all alcoholics are the same and therefore one solution fits all (thats just my personal opinion of AA). Hope you have another great week and keep it up - Warrenjames

Hi everyone

Thanks WJ for your support.
This week has been crazily busy and I have spent the last couple of days trying to fight off a virus and feeling worn out. Serves me right for trying to do too much! Also hungover today. Not pleased with myself as I went out and bought a second bottle of wine last night after I had drunk most of one bottle. I said I wasn't going to drink & drive again!! On the plus side I didn't feel like drinking the wine when I got home - managed to force one glass down. So while I am annoyed at myself & can't see myself admitting this to my AA sponsor, at least I didn't plow thru another whole bottle and feel like death warmed up today!
Went to a wedding on Saturday which was great but i had far too much wine. Hope I didn't make a dick of myself! I haven't rung my friend (the bride) yet, only texted her.
Sunday nite my mum had a party for her 80th birthday. I was very good and only had a couple of wines. It's the first time I have been drinking around my parents for years, so I'm happy that went well.
There is a picnic at my sons' school this evening so I am planning on having 1 or 2 drinks only. It seems to be possible when I have drunk a lot the previous night. Or I could have none, but everyone else will be drinking (or so it seems to me!)
I did a graph last week for my sponsor - thanks BTDT for the link. It was looking encouraging, but after adding this week's totals it won't be so good. It takes time for TSM to work, I know...
Have updated it but am not sure yet how to copy it here so will try to do that over the next few days.
I hope everyone is having a good week.

Cheers
Sticky

My progress so far: (NZ units)

Week 1: 1,8,AF,3,AF,AF,3.5 total 15.5,3AF
Week 2: AF,8,8,AF,AF,4,8 total 28, 3AF
Week 3: 4,8,AF,8,AF,5,AF total 25, 3AF
Week 4: 16,AF,8,7,AF,10,AF total 41, 3AF
Week 5: 7,12,8,AF,8,AF,8 total 43, 3AF
Week 6: AF,5,12,AF,AF,8,AF total 25, 4AF
Week 7: AF,14,AF,6,AF,5,AF total 25, 4AF
Week 8: 8, AF, 12, 12, AF, 1.5, 1.5 total 35, 2AF
Week 9: 12, AF, 10, 2,AF, 10, AF total 32, 3AF
Week 10: 9, AF, 10, AF,1.5, 6.5, AF total 27, 3AF
Week 11: 12, AF, 14, 3.5, 1, AF, 7.5 total 38, 2AF

Hi Sticky, seems like you have had an up and down week. I suppose thats the stage of TSM we are in at the moment- just bear with it. Don't want to lecture (and I'm sure you have been beating yourself up anyway) but don't drink and drive. I've got court on Monday to front my charges and will lose my license for at least 18 months, pay a fine and have to have an alcohol interlock device fitted for 12 months after I eventually get my license back. In addition I wrote off my car and another persons which I had to pay for in full because I was drunk. I may also get a suspended jail sentence. I know you've been there before, try to remember the pain and shame. Having said that don't dwell on it too much. As for the wedding, imagine how you would have been if you weren't taking Nal. Your'e friends probably expected you to be much worse. Hopefully you get a pleasant surprise when you talk to the bride. You said
"I am planning on having 1 or 2 drinks only. It seems to be possible when I have drunk a lot the previous night" I am the same, we are probably still using alcohol as a reward system and we need to try to avoid that mentality. Hopefully Nal will help us do that in time. Well done for not having that second bottle of wine by the way, shows that somethings happening hey? Hope you have a great week this week Sticky.

Hi Sticky - Too funny! Your unit numbers and my unit numbers were exactly the same for week 11. I am a daily drinker and it seems like you are more of a every other day binge drinker. I have yet to do an AF day and I get worried about that thinking maybe I won't make it. In contrast, you have lots of AF days and you get worried that you won't make it because on some of the days you drink you still overdo it. I say, don't over think it. Not that I don't still over think the whole thing. I wake up every morning and review my progress and think, Ugh! I'm not making progress at all because of this or that. Then, I remember I am only in week 12 and I still have a long way to go. We both belong here and we will both regain control as Nick says. Keep going and keep posting. I look forward to all of your posts.

Thanks WJ & HG

Haven't got round to posting my graph yet - even the weekends are way too busy at the moment! Mostly with kids' sport and socialising, but i could do with a little more time out. But thanks for your support and good to hear you had the same units as me HG for week 11. Remember that for me i am drinking way more often than i have for the past 17 years of battling it out in AA. WJ - am thinking about popping up the road for more wine right now, but have only had 1/2 glass wine & one beer, so if I do i should be fine. May not bother - that desperation is fading. Yay!! You are right about drinking and driving. What is that thing you talked about that you may have to have after you get your licence back? Once I start posting am not sure how to flick back to a previous post. Something to do with alcohol and intent. Hubby and his mate are smoking dope in the garden & probably discussing the mate's alcoholic girlfriend! Don't want to go there with the dope (marijuana) as it is also addictive & i had a bad experience on it once years ago when sober. Hubby doesn't smoke much of it - he is not an addict or alcoholic.
Will check in on your weekly progress both of you.
I have had a good weekend without overdoing it on the alcohol.

Have a good week
Sticky

Hi again WJ & HG

I meant the"alcohol interlock device" WJ - what is that??
I did just pop up to the dairy nearby which sells alcohol. It was liberating because instead of sneaking off or going when hubby was out I told hubby and asked if he wanted anything. (A 6 pack.) I didn't feel guilty as I have done previously when talking about the weather with the elderly Indian dairy assistant. I realise i have to translate again - a dairy is like a VERY mini supermarket or local corner store, where everything costs twice as much as in a regular supermarket because it is more convenient. I know they don't exist in the US, having spent lots of time in LA in my flight attendant/trolley dolly days in the 80's/early 90's. Would so love to be able to go shopping in Del Amos (sp?) in Torrance again one day to bring back a few memories. The pilots used to call it the cabin crew day care centre. The first time i went there i bought all my Xmas presents in one day and didn't even make it to the end of the mall!
Also our friend who is over discussing his girlfriend issues with hubby has known about my problem for years. In fact for some reason i told him and his wife at the time when i first met him that i was an alcoholic. For years i rarely confided that in anyone except people in AA, but sometimes it's like we have a sixth sense. It turned out that his wife's sister was an addict and he & his wife ended up bringing up her 2 kids. He went to Al-Anon for years. Anyway he commented tonight that it was good that i was up front about trying TSM and wanting to drink "normally". It is sooo good to be able to be more honest & open.
All I now need to do is tell a couple more people who know i'm an alkie about TSM before they see me hoeing into the champers at my 50th party next month!!

Take care
Sticky