Well, I fell off the proverbial wagon this weekend. Had a particularly stressful Friday and all the old triggers kicked in. I took the Nal but ended getting drunk (first time post-Nal) on a bottle and a half of wine. I didn't even enjoy the experience, I just wanted to get hammered like the old days. Had a hangover that pretty much wiped out half the next day.

I know that "therapy" isn't part of the game plan with TSM but I think it's useful in my case. I drink not only because I'm wired to enjoy alcohol more than others, but also because that's the way I'm used to dealing with stress or conflict. I need to re-wire my brain not to want alcohol when I'm stressed out. I know it's possible because I used to deal with stress by smoking and I don't even think about cigarettes anymore.

I sometimes attend AA meetings but recently I found a small Moderation Management meeting in my city that I really get a lot out of. I shared with the group my misstep and they all agreed that I shouldn't beat myself up over it. The group leader reminded me that this wasn't AA and transgressions were just a normal part of Moderation Management. I felt much better after the meeting.

I'm curious, how many other members here attend any type of group meetings? I personally can't imagine recovery without it.

-Chance

I attended an NA meeting at my counselor's insistence a few years ago - would have gone to AA, but there was someone there the girl I was with didn't want to run into - and I found it to be a stifling and unpleasant experience. I started looking around for a Moderation Management group, but there weren't any in my neck of Florida at the time. Personally, I was an only child and don't really need a group setting to feel like I'm progressing, but that's just me. I know it helps a lot of folks, and you should stick to whatever works. For me, it's this board and that little pill.

Hi Chance - Wanted to give you some encouragement even though I am a few weeks behind you on this ride. I got hammered a week or so ago on a bottle and a half of wine. Felt really bad about it, but just kept going. Last night was the first night since I started Nal that I walked away from a glass of wine and went to bed instead. I'm glad to be here, and I'm glad you are here too. Keep posting.

HG

Hi Chance,

That poem in your first post just blew me away. Its the first time I've read it and it just totally summed up how I feel about this process.

Keep your chin up about the recent binge, you seem to be responding really well to the Nal so far. There will be a slip or 2 along the way but from what you write in your earlier posts in sounds like you are a responder.

Thanks for posting that poem. Going to print it off and read it when I'm feeling a bit demotivated.

HG and Susie, thanks for the kind words of encouragement. HG, try not to beat yourself up over a slip up or two. Getting better is a process. Sometimes two steps forward and one step back.

Susie, I'm glad that you found some inspiration from the poem. I like to read it whenever I feel low and totally powerless. It's a potent reminder of the strength within each of us to determine our own destiny.

-Theo

Well, the initial success with the Nal was indeed the much cited "honeymoon" effect. My alcohol consumption is up from the initial stages of the Nal regime. I guess the silver lining is that my overall alcohol consumption is still down from my pre-Nal binges.

I read Nemo's excellent post, "Months in and no results? Try a bit of effort," and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Put some more effort into this and perhaps up my dosage to 75mg.

I drink to deal with stress and boredom. I'm an alcoholic because I'm genetically predisposed to alcoholism. I think Nal can/will definitely help me with the latter, but I need to learn how to exert more effort and find new ways to deal with stress and boredom. Alcohol isn't helping me.

I keep thinking about how much more I want to do in life. But the alcohol is holding me back from doing the things I want to achieve in life. I grow frustrated and ashamed but I keep reminding myself that it's a process and it took me years (decades) to get to this state. Maybe it'll take longer than I had hoped to get "cured" but so what? I just have to redouble my commitment to moderation.

-Chance

Hi Chance:
I don't know how much support I can offer, but I'm finishing out week 16 with 47 units, which by any accounts is a lot of AL to drink and is way up from what I had been drinking the past couple of months. But preTSM I was maintaining drinking 126 units a week (that represents 3 bottles of wine a day, every day of the week) I think you focused on the right thing, which is the overall reduction in your pre-NAL drinking levels. I think many of us would like to be abstinent or close to it, just have to realize it takes time on this method and maybe much more than what is laid out in the book. TGFTS (thank god for this forum)

Hi Chance:
I don't know how much support I can offer, but I'm finishing out week 16 with 47 units, which by any accounts is a lot of AL to drink and is way up from what I had been drinking the past couple of months. But preTSM I was maintaining drinking 126 units a week (that represents 3 bottles of wine a day, every day of the week) I think you focused on the right thing, which is the overall reduction in your pre-NAL drinking levels. I think many of us would like to be abstinent or close to it, just have to realize it takes time on this method and maybe much more than what is laid out in the book. TGFTS (thank god for this forum)

...on alcohol.

Well, I haven't posted in several months so I thought I'd give everyone an update. After the initial success of taking Naltrexone (what a honeymoon) my brain quickly rewired itself to compensate for the drug, and I was back consuming my pre-nal levels of alcohol. I was despondent and I began to drink even more. My lowest point came when I was drunk at home but out of alcohol. So I dragged myself to the corner store to buy a bottle of vodka. The clerk obviously knew I was drunk and the look she gave me could have stopped a freight train. I went home poured myself a shot and downed it. Then I just stared at the bottle and began to cry. I cried because I felt so utterly powerless against my addiction to alcohol. I must have sat there for an hour quietly sobbing.

Then, something happened that I can't really explain. For some inexplicable reason I took the vodka bottle and poured the entire contents down the drain. At that moment it was clear as crystal. I was tired. I was tired of being hungover all the time. I was tired of not remembering the night before. I was tired of constantly canceling appointments. I was tired of being powerless. I was tired of being tired. At that moment I knew I was done with alcohol. That was almost three months ago. I haven't had a drink since.

Admittedly, the first couple days were very difficult. I had trouble sleeping for almost a week and survived on about 2-3 hours a sleep per night. I was also bored out of my mind. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Not even mindless television. The first week was not pleasant. But then then it slowly got better. My concentration came back and so did my short term memory.

In the intervening three months I began to do things that I once enjoyed a long time ago but abandoned because of my drinking. I spent my nights reading novels, learning to speak French, and studying for my job. I read a post here about what to do with all the free time now that one is sober. It's not "free," time. It's time reclaimed and recaptured. I wasted so much of my life to drinking. I am 40 years old. I wonder how much more I could have accomplished had I not been an alcoholic. But I'm not going to dwell on this. I have the second half of my life to look forward to and I'm aiming to make up for lost time.

I am beginning to like how I feel now. My head never hurts. Every day I have more and more energy. I sleep like a baby at night. My short term memory is coming back. I have hobbies that I actively engage in now. My blood high pressure has dropped to healthy levels. I am beginning to re-engage in life and life is wonderful. I feel like I've been living in this hazy dream for the last decade that I've finally awoken from.

Do I miss alcohol? No. For the longest time I thought alcohol was my friend. But it wasn't. Alcohol was killing me. Alcohol never helped me in the least. I just thought it did. Alcohol never really helped me deal with stress it just numbed me and put me further into the hole of despair. Alcohol never solved any of my problems, ever. It just made things worse. Period.

I've realized something that's so obvious that I'm embarrassed that I didn't see it sooner. Living without alcohol is not a big deal. Lot's of non-alcoholics do it every day. I thought living without alcohol was hard and it became a self fulfilling prophecy. Now, I view alcohol like rat poison. Why would I willingly ingest rat poison?

Is it a struggle not to drink sometimes? Not at all. Whenever I get an urge to drink I remember all the bad things, and that makes me come to my senses. Will I fall off the wagon one day? I honestly don't know. But I do know that it won't be today.

Do I have hard days? Of course I do. I have days that I want to stick my head in the oven and turn on the gas. But I realize now that alcohol doesn't make the situation any better. But it always makes it worse. Life can be hard, it's just a fact of life. I just need to learn to deal with it.

Alcoholics Anonymous teaches that alcoholics are powerless against alcohol. I refuse to believe that. I am all powerful. I just needed to tap into the strength within me that was always there. I am the one who shackled myself in chains. And I am the one that will set myself free. One person can change the course of history and civilization. A person can easily change their own lives for the better. It's was my own dark side that kept me imprisoned. I've decided no more.

Forgive me if everything I've written here is painfully obvious. I'm not very bright and it takes me awhile to realize the obvious. I'd like to thank all the people on this board for posting and sharing their stories. It's been of great comfort to me to know that I am not alone in my struggle. If I can leave just one thought to everyone here it is this. You are all powerful. You are the instrument of change in your life. Don't forget that.

-Chance

Hi Chance

You are amazing. It's a rare (and not dumb) person who can just give up drinking like that without support. I have been around AA for 17 years with limited success - lots of relapses. I'm hoping that with TSM I can be a moderate drinker. So far it has been a roller coaster, but I am still optimistic.
Well done!

Cheers
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