Part one:

My first experiences with alcohol, at least those where I had enough on hand to drink a lot, were in my early teens. These resulted in blackouts, getting very sick, etc. AA has been telling me that this is evidence that I had the "allergy" from day one, but lately I've become skeptical of this diagnosis. Rather, I believe I was simply young and inexperienced, I liked the effect of the first few, and didn't know that continuing to drink hard liquor at a rapid pace would do this to me (I have never blacked out since then, even during my worst episodes). I became timid of alchohol for many years, and was able to keep it to a drink or two at a time throughout high school, while indulging in a great deal of weed (which was easier to obtain, anyway) and occaisional heavy hallucenogenics.

Part two:

I began drinking heavily after becoming "legal" in 1991. I had tired of the drug scene, partially because pot and acid were no longer a pleasure, instead, they amplified every neurotic tendency I have to unbearable limits. I had also become wary of the legal and health risks, as my druggy friends were beginning to end up dead and in jail. I had become a stellar philosophy student, and drank mostly by myself in the afternoons while reading, thinking, and writing, but also found it really cool to drink with my professors at occasional departmental gatherings. Though I found myself almost suicidally depressed quite often, suspected that my drinking was sliding out of control, and was unable to stop when I attempted to do so, alcohol had become an integral part of my new "academic" identity, and I actually thought it enhanced the scholarship for which I was getting much recognition.

Part three: I entered a Ph.D. program in the fall of 1993, pursuing my dream of becoming a philosophy professor. Within a few months, however, I had pretty much crashed and burned. As I was no longer living with my parents, I could pull out the stops with my drinking, and even though it may be an exaggeration to say that I drank my way out of graduate school, other contributing factors probably could have been kept manageable if not for the drinking. Intermittently bitter and depressed, I returned to my home town in early 1995, and soon found a new job and my first wife. Having started life as a stable adult, I came to view my alcohol consumption as less of a problem and more as just part of my lifestyle.

Part four: Though my overall consumption levelled off to about 80u per week for many years afterward, I came to feel increasingly psychologically and physically beat. I had become relatively successful in my profession, though my employer had begun to notice my drinking, and on several occaisions I had been sent home hungover or semi-inebriated. Somehow, I managed to avoid any legal repurcussions, yet I felt very sick much of the time. After a few unsuccessful attempts at counselling, I took up yoga (obsessively so) in 2003, and put together 9 dry months through clean living--more than any other method or program to date. About this time, I separated from my wife, and thinking myself cured, feeling great, and eager to get back into the singles scene, I began to drink again at my previous pace.

Part five: Fed up with a job that never really suited me to begin with, I returned to graduate school in 2005, hoping to use the fledgeling MA program at my alma mater as a stepping stone to a PhD program. Even though I drank almost daily, I had enough stability in my life that I made it through with flying colors this time. In the end, though, I decided not to continue my studies, in part, because I had a new wife and stepdaughter as of summer of 2007. My drinking dropped off, to the point of becoming a closet drinker, at this time. I had been in and out of AA for periods of up to 7 or 8 months since 2004, and (repeatedly) tried it again, despite serious misgivings with the program, as I believed that total abstinence would be best for myself and my family, given my past problems with alcohol and my continued struggles.

Part six: Disillusioned with AA, which is really the only option in my hometown, I have begun to rethink the whole recovery issue, and am happy to have discovered TSM, which already seems to be working for me.

Hi ColdOne,

Thanks for sharing your story. You sound like a lot of us: highly functional yet sick all the time, have tried many things over time only to end up where we started, full of frustration and remorse. I am glad you found TSM and this site. Tracking units and reporting here really seems to help. I look forward to seeing your progress!

YG

Thanks for sharing the details of your story. It can be tough but also liberating to unload everything on this site. I'm very much alone in my day to day life when it comes to battling this and this forum is a place where I feel "safe".
As someone in academia I totally identify with the whole "drinking" lifestyle, it is very much a part of the culture in many institutions. Finding TSM has been a lifesaver, as AA is so dogmatic and its culture is very anti-critical analysis and open debate (what would Socrates have said about AA? )
Welcome, and I look forwrd to following your progress

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story. I really identified with 'stages'. Like yours my drinking seems to have had very distinct phases over the course of the addicition. At every stage I thought it was bad until I got to the next one!
Your story and others on the site reinforce Sinclairs theory. What I mean is... other theories on addiction state that we are weak willed, hedonistic at the expense of the long term, not in control. Yet so many on the site are high achievers which requires will power, an eye on long term goals and a great deal of control. I've always felt like there were 2 of me..... the sober driven one which for a long time did a sterling job of covering up for the drunk messy one. The last few years the successful one became less good at covering up and the drunken one stated showing up at work.
I could never understand why in some areas of my life I was totally in control but yet alcohol was my nemisis. Sinclair explains the reason, it is a physical and chemical issue not a moral or personality issue. I also identified with your views on how an academic life can reinforce alcoholic behaviour. One thing that has always interested me research that suggests that alcoholics and problem drinkers higher IQ's than the general population.
I really hope this works for you- keep us posted on your progress and thanks again for your very interesting post.

How are things going coldone? I can't find you in the weekly progress thread.

So far, so good. Down to less than 20u a week!

Coldone, I'm really happy for your progress and envious at the same time.

Welcome Coldone and thanks for sharing your story! Wow, I can really identify with your first experience of grad school, my own was certainly a trigger that tipped my drinking over the edge.

I'm glad you have the self-awareness and foresight to realise that AA is just not for you, and more importantly that does not mean that you are 'not working the program'. I think you will find TSM a much-needed antidote. Do you still practise yoga by the way? I'm intrigued by your 'obsession' with it... I kinda wish I could become addicted to yoga, it seems to have helped a lot of people with recovery.

Anyway best of luck