Sorry I guess this is long...

Hello. Here is my first progress post. I have known that my drinking was problematic for a long time. I guess my therapist calls me a "functioning" alcoholic. Those of my friends that I have mentioned it to have been surprised. George Thoroughgood and I would get along! I can usually control myself when out socially. There are some social occasions in which others have also gone to extremes so it just looks "normal" to them.

So I went to AA a while back and read their book. It really did not speak to me at all. I am an atheist. But I am supposed to make up a higher power so he/she/it can help me? As for moral inventories, I do them on a daily basis. I was told don't think, just do the steps. Yah, that did not work for me.

So I went and bought a bunch of books. I figured I would read and learn as much as I can. I don't always think the medical establishment knows everything or has the answers, so I thought I would see what else was going on. There was not much there except for stories of people who quit, some stuff on diet and exercise... So I went to a therapist. I learned a lot of good stuff for my life. Stuff I will apply to will power if TSM doesn't work out. But I avoided buying Dr. Eskapa's book because the title seemed absurd. Then I read the reviews on amazon and thought, what the hell. At worst I will get to laugh at a fool's outrageous claims.

I read the book. It made a lot of sense to me. I decided to give it a try.

I went to alldaychemist and bought some so I did not have to wait for my doc appointments and whatnot. I would rather get a script from my doc... But I was afraid she would say no. Or that she would not give it to me at all... I was wrong. The script is waiting for me at the doc's office!

I already started on the supply I have. Took 25mg on Monday. I accidentally washed the other half of that pill with my pants! So yesterday afternoon, I was driving home from a LONG day out with the kids. I did not have a means to split one, so I took a whole knowing full well that I had a bottle of wine at home!

I can definitely feel the difference on Nal. Drinking feels a LOT different. I have always known why I like to drink. I can feel how good it feels! I remember after reading the book thinking to myself, yes THIS is the feeling that makes me continue. And that is the feeling I am not feeling on Nal. I fear that the desire for that feeling will be an issue. But I think the idea of committing to taking my pill in ONE moment in time can be achieved far more easily than a lifetime of struggling to remain abstinent for the rest of my life!

I have not yet tracked though. I started writing down on Monday, then lost the plot after a while. I am accustomed to free pouring. I think what I will do is have a measuring cup on the counter. I will fill to some predetermined line and make a tick mark on a sheet of paper when I fill the measuring cup. Then I can figure units out after the fact... See how that works.

Today I have a wee headache. I felt kinda nauseous. I was really hungry but did not feel like eating. I forced myself to eat a piece of toast and feel better.

My hopes are that I will be able to CHOOSE what I want to do instead of alcohol making my choices for me. I want to be able to be around anyone, including friends who drink, without the obsessive control it takes to avoid alcohol or avoid too much alcohol.

I hope to be able to be active and exercise. I hope to feel good without the hang overs and such.

I am scared that it won't work. I am scared that eventually I will have to go back to the land of abstinence only will power...But I am more scared that if I don't do something, it will only get worse and worse.

So here I am. I will try to post weekly status... Thanks for "listening."

S

Hey Sarah,
Interesting post! I started last Thursday the 12th with my half pills. Felt same way this week kinda nautious in the AM and making myself eat something. The drinking has been diifferent, it is hard to discribe. The units of beer have been reduced slightly day to day except for Friday night went to a ZZ Top concert in Wendover NV with a buddy. I am pretty sure it was sixteen beers then puked. That is wierd because I have not done that from drinking beer in twenty years, especially only sixteen beers. The other days are 6,8,10,11 and an AF. day. The best part is not wanting to run to the store to buy another 12 or 18 pack after already having a dozen. I am in Utah so 3.2% is the norm, but when I was drinking 18 or more a night it was obvious it was time to do something.
I am excited about this and really believe it will slowly work, it is already. It is hard to explain to people so I only have a few close people I try to talk to about it. Too bad, but thats why this is a good place to share the TSM process. Good luck to you!
Mike Mc.

I'm new here too, as of today. I'm not on Nal yet but I've done my homework. Obsessively.

I'm trying to find someone whose story is similar to mine which I will be composing here momentarily I suppose. I give anyone credit who admits drinking is affecting their lives and is a problem whether they fit the 'rock bottom' scenario or not. I wish I'd had the cojones to see it for what it was before I hit all those wonderful milestones the brainwashed steppers like to use to help convince you you're one of them and NEED them.

I'm an Atheist and the last thing I needed was to attempt to create a belief system for myself AND hand over my self and my will to this thing I couldn't find. And UGH, if I had to hear again from One Of Them that I could be a non-believer but could find my own higher power only to have them start on the god-path... talk about making you want to drink! I left those court mandated meetings ready to hit the bar.

I'm also science/math minded and the process of extinction was like that Eureka moment when I read it. I also wanted to flip back that switch to when I could drink normally because, like most of us pathetic drunks (that's me flipping the bird at The Book) I really didn't want to never drink again. I just wanted the control again. I want to enjoy fine wine again... not the 1.5l of mass made garbage I can suck down in a night! I'd even recently said to my boyfriend, "why can't they make a drug that just turns you back - they have drugs for every other brain issue!"

And here I be...[/size]

Hi Sarah,

I had the same hope in the beginning - the ability to CHOOSE and I'm getting closer and closer. It's been over a year but I will say that after several months, I was able to choose at least in public situations. Still haven't mastered the home life but am getting closer (I hope). Another goal was also to be active, whether it was working out or doing stuff w/ the kids, and not having a hangover. Too much time wasted..

I knew I had a problem for years but was able to disguise it - amazed at how high-functioning I was. And with family and friends who also love to drink but seem to have better control, it was easy for my problem to accelerate yet stay out of the limelight..

Wish you luck -

Virginia

Sounds like we 4 have some common stuff to share! I know for a fact that day three is not going to be indicative of much. But last night was an interesting experience. I drank WAY more than usual. I can almost FEEL my brain saying HEY HEY WHERE IS IT??!! WHERE IS MY BUZZ??!!?? So that gives me cause to feel hopeful. (And like poo poo between drinking too much and the Nal side effects.)

I so hear you about being Math/Science brained.

I sure hope this winds up working.

Best of luck to all the new posters here. TSM has made a HUGE difference to me in the past 6 months. Its turned back that drinking clock 80%. Im no longer afraid of alcohol and that alone is brilliant.

Yeah glad y'all are here. It's helped me too but I'm not cured at week 22. It's a bumpy ride.

Well this progress/update is not really weekly, is it? Four days of Nal. Four days of drinking. Wednesday night I drank WAY more than usual. I could feel the pecking! Yesterday I drank, but was not really all that motivated by it. Normally I would look at the cabinet and think, is that enough? Instead I thought, do I even want to bother? Today I have no interest whatsoever. I guess this is my honeymoon?

I don't intend to drink tonight. I have things to do until a tad later. So temptation in the early evening will be out. I want a few day's break from the Nal. It makes me feel funny. Not unmanageable, but funny.

Sure sounds like it. The honeymoon is great, and makes you thing everything's just going to fall into place. Maybe for some it does, but that's not how it's been working for me. After the first week or two, the desire to drink came back even stronger, as if my body was suddenly realizing I wasn't giving it what it was used to. That went on for a while - a couple of months - and now the urge seems to be decreasing again. It's my wife's birthday weekend and she wanted some wine, so I bought some this afternoon and she opened it and poured me a glass almost an hour ago. I took my Nal and have been waiting for the full hour to pass, and it hasn't been a burden. There was a time when I would have just gone ahead and started chugging, consequences be damned. I think the Nal is giving me a degree of control I never had before, and that's every encouraging. I'm about two months in, and after some ups and downs, I'm getting more optimistic again. Good luck to all of us!

My thought wrt not waiting the hour... If you give the brain inconsistent feedback, sometimes giving it its reward, and sometimes not, I can't help but think that the de-learning process could only be delayed. I would think the brain would have to test harder. I even think I remember that from back in school when I learned about Pavlov.