I'm so bummed. I've been on NAL since November of last year. I really feel a few things have changed, but not enough. Wine is my drink of choice and I'm still drinking pretty much every day.

The positive changes... I don't crave it as much, and I do know that I drink slower and also not looking for opportunities to drink (like if I got out of work early). I remember when I first started on the NAL and didn't get the same buzz and I guess that part is still working - I don't really remember what the difference is anymore. Now when I have free time when I used to drink a lot of the time I just want to go home and sleep instead. I usually don't start drinking until 8pm or earlier if we go out to dinner and then continue at home. Problem? I end up staying up later at night to finish the bottle instead of just quitting and going to bed. There is some dynamic between me and my husband that I think is part of this. He drinks too and it's like I resign myself to the fact that if he's going to drink, I'm going to drink. There will be days when I don't really feel like it, but I know he will, and next thing you know I'm at the store buying wine for the both of us.

I really felt like I was controlling my drinking better but in no way was I feeling like stopping. I was seeing a doctor that was prescribing the NAL but not anymore. I was doing okay when I was seeing him but I think part of it was just the mental pressure of logging the drinking and wanting to tell him I was doing better. I stopped seeing him and started buying the NAL from India and things have been worse lately. Is the NAL different? Is it because I'm not answering up to my doc? Is it the stress in my life? I don't know. I do know that throughout this I will have times when I don't feel so much like drinking, but then I do it anyway and then I "push through" to the old habit and amount.

Since being on NAL I've done a really good job of not getting completely obliterated - until last weekend. I've still gotten drunk enough at times to forget some stuff at the end of the night, but last weekend I did the full monte - blackout and incapacitated. It was my high school reunion and my husband didn't come with me. Started out having a great time and told myself to only have 1 drink an hour. I did that for the first 3 hours or so, then totally blew it. I don't know how stupid I got. I do know that when my friend dropped me off at home I could barely walk and banged into **** all over my parents' house (my mom asked me what all the noise was the next day). That was the worst because at one time I quit drinking (Nov 2008-Jan 2009) and she was so happy. Since then I've been much more moderate around her and sort of eased her into the idea that I was drinking again but had it under control.
Not to mention being with friends I haven't seen in 10-15 years and presumably making an ass out of myself (who knows what I said/did?) That is the worst feeling of all - the not knowing how stupid I was. I've been trying this for 9 months and like I said, though some things seem a little better, I don't think I'm anywhere close to cured.

The other thing I had quit doing for the most part was obsessing about my drinking or not drinking. I felt relatively in control. Lately this has been creeping up on me again and now this happened and I've been obsessing all week and drinking even more. My husband is going through a really stressful time at work so that hasn't helped at all either.

I'm not sure what to do next, but am just really discouraged. I can't imagine me ever stopping altogether because of my husband, friends and lifestyle, but I really had hoped I'd get it under control with this method.

Needed to vent, thanks to anyone out there listening.

Ill

Hello Illuminae,

I want to reply to your post but I need to get my thoughts organized and I will probably PM you later. I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Even though I know how difficult it is, please do not give up hope!

So sorry it's not working. Have you loked into Bac or Topamax? I hear good things from my shrink about Topa. Stay positive, you're working on this, and you won't give up so eventually you'll solve this problem one way or the other. that's what I believe for all of us. we're all here out of a determination to beat alcohol

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Wow, tough love DOMD but you might be right. Thanks for being so candid.

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Hi Illuminae -
Sorry I didn't see this sooner & hope you are feeling better by now. You might want to try upping your dose to 75 or 100 mgs and see if that helps. Also, yes, ordering from India is iffy, according to a DR I've talked to, but no other reports say otherwise on here, so what you have is probably just fine. It's just that NAL is going to take some time, and if you've experienced positive changes, then celebrate that. But consider doing something else now that the 1 yr. mark is coming up.

You don't crave as much, don't drink as much, drink slower, etctetctc are all GREAT things you've accomplished. The dynamic between you & your husband is something that you will have to figure out, but isn't new. Is he on NAL too? As far as the reunion, etc...I'm sure you weren't the only intoxicated person there, are you kidding??!! And you won't see those people for another 5-10 years anyway so let it go. You can always make fun of yourself on Facebook! LOL But honey, I have THE WORST story on the face of the planet about my 10th HS reunion!!! Still, I go back every 5-10 years (looking like a million bucks I might add!) and I look those guys straight in the eye with a look that says, "I will CUT you if you say a word!!!" LOLOL

Yes, being drunk in front of your mother sucks, but there's nothing you can do about that either except 'fess up that it was the occasion, you are mortified, embarrassed, etc. Life is stressful for everyone right now. Especially those of us struggling with this addiction and trying trying trying to control it! You are doing good, girl!! Just stay the course and whenever you feel like venting, you get on here and do it.

I can't tell you not to be discouraged, because I understand there will be times when you/me/all of us will be. Just remember you ARE doing something about your drinking and you HAVE been successful. Don't worry about going AF, just do what you can one day at a time. That time-honored cliche is still true. Look at what else you can do to change things up - and stay positive. PM me if you'd like. It will be ok!!

XO