I was just reading Q's progress report and was struck by the similarity between his (early) drinking pattern and my own. It really got me to thinking about triggers for drinking episodes, but I didn't want to go on about myself on his thread, so here goes on mine.
My GF doesn't drink (anymore) period, and she doesn't like it when I do. So I don't drink either when we are going to spend time together. It's really easy for me on those nights because I just consider it out of the question to drink. No real cravings. No alcohol driven thoughts; my addiction just seems to be replaced by other interests. But I am a 25+ year drinker, so on my "alone" nights I binge it up, sometimes pretty bad - like I'm trying to make up for lost time. When I was doing Rational Recovery I learned that my "beast" is perfectly willing to be patient as long as there is the promise of alcohol in the future.
So my pattern is AF for three or four nights a week and drunk three or four nights a week depending on how mad she is at me (she can always tell but never says anything). It has gone on this way for about three years, with the exception my attempts to quit using RR, MWO, ETC or when she's out of town.
At this point my trigger is really . . . opportunity. I don't even feel like drinking many times. This has become especially apparent now that I am tracking my drinking and cravings. I don't really even get cravings, per se. But there is no way my beast is going to let a drinking opportunity slip by. So on my alone nights I will stop by the beer store because I know I'm going to drink, even though I don't feel like it. And on those nights I sometimes put it off because I'm making dinner, or spending time with my son, and I end up drinking late, just to fit it in.
But drink I must, says the beast, and when I do I really enjoy it, hour after hour, because I can't make myself drink fast enough to get done at a reasonable time, and the next day I'm always tired, grumpy, and generally feel like a failure. But not so much now that I am doing TSM.
I do have real triggers: band rehearsal, a totally alone night (no GF, no son because of joint custody), or if I feel really pissed off for some reason. But for the most part my drinking is situational. Sometimes I purposefully go AF on an alone night. It makes me feel so good when I can do it without outside influence, "just for me!". But these times are rare, especially since I've been doing TSM.
On those drinking nights, my behavior is pretty predictable: on a weeknight I will bury myself in a bottle of wine (+ a couple of beers) and the computer, like Q says. I used to say I was "working on music" or "writing" or "doing some research" (like the effects of a bottle of wine and a couple of beers on the psyche while working on the the computer), but now I know I'm just drinking while I can.
On weekends I usually have rehearsal at least one night per weekend, and it's pretty predictable that there will be sauce involved. All five band members have some kind of alcohol issue, and the night usually ends up at the bar so we can just "wind down". These nights tend to be a disaster of varying proportions, and they tend to happen once a week.
I guess what I have learned from this is that the language of "triggers, craving and drinking behavior" doesn't fit everyone precisely the same way, but the underlying process of addiction is the same. There are many ways this diabolical drama can play out, and hearing the stories of others can really help with the feeling that I'm somehow different; that the Sinclair Method may not work for me. I know it will work if I just stick to the program, but It's helpful to keep in mind that everyone's story is unique, but there is a common thread: our diversity is our commonality.
With that in mind, let me wish everyone the best in the quest to find a solution to the problem that has obviously plagued all of us: addiction to alcohol. (sorry about the "late night" post but tonight's an alone night
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