A handful of you might already know that I have a blog sharing my TSM saga and now I've decided to jump on board the "Weekly Progress" because I've enjoyed and benefited so much by reading your stories.

I don't see my TSM journey as "progress" so much as I see it as a carnival of sorts. Ever since I stuck my big toe into this warm, welcoming TSM pool it's been an odd bag. One moment it is amusing with interesting rides and sideshows, the next moment it is a freak show and filled with the drudgery of packing up the caravan and moving to the next town and starting all over again.

This ruthlessly hot, muggy June day, I find myself staring into the abyss of week 21...what will it bring? I've made another pact with myself to attempt a few AF days this week. And in the spirit of applying positive opiodergic hobbies to my life, I've taken up a weekly yoga class and jewelry making .

Improvements I've made on TSM (may sound tiny, but huge for me!):

• My obsessive thoughts are no longer about alcohol, but about TSM and if it will work for me!
• I drink more slowly.
• I don't get cranky and irritable if I don't have a drink by 6pm.
• I don't drink every drop of alcohol in the house and I leave my husband's stash alone (mostly).
• I've had a healthy number of days with civilized quantities (2, 3, and 4 units) and one effortless AF day.
• I feel my brain has changed a little bit, but cannot describe exactly how.
• I've had fleeting moments of feeling cured—disinterested in alcohol, cannot belieeeeeve anyone wants to drink SO much,
puzzled why those crazy alcoholics can't stop at 1 or 2 drinks, since I find it a breeze—and then POOF all of this disappears.

Week 19 and 20 were bleaker than a Brontë novel and I feel like I would've had just as much success popping a few chicklets, in lieu of naltrexone. All of this has left me angry, angry, angry, and exhausted. BUT, swirled into all of this, is also glimmers of hope and the realization that, although changing seems to be dinosaur slow, there are indeed changes! For instance, last night I had a bottle of champagne, but it took me 4 hours to drink it (I usually could make a bottle disappear in 30 minutes). Progress not perfection, right?

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week
Unit count for week 1 through week 19: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units • 49units

fuckin right!!!! That part about not being obsessed about alcohol but being obsessed about TSM is EXACTLY how I feel. All the other stuff too, but I feel ya! I'm obsessed with TSM and am learning not to watch the kettle boil so closely.

Hey there, ToxicGirl!

As always, I am loving your writing style and your blog. And I'm with Joe ... f-ing right! I am many weeks behind you both, but seeing some of the same changes. And it is funny how the obsession has changed from alcohol to whether or not NAL will work. Is this a little like getting addicted to AA instead of alcohol?

Thanks for your continued musings ... they are fun and validating to read. As I read the progress of all of you ahead of me, I have great hope and know I have to continue to be PATIENT!!

Have a great day!
YG

OK, so technically, it hasn't been a week's worth of progress, but I'm compelled to share "My One Day Progress:

In reaction to my bleak Brönte boozing of the last 2 weeks, I decided to crush my newly increased 100mg dose of naltrexone. I did this in an attempt to increase its potency. I got this cracker jack idea from Elizabeth Wurtzel of Prozac Nation fame, who opted to pulverize her Ritalin and snort it when swallowing it failed to work its magic.

I was thrilled with the results. The honeymoon phase was back in full force. I drank 1 unit of champagne very slowly and then had 2 units of red with dinner. I pondered a little more champagne to keep me company while watching a movie and I dismissed the idea without any effort.

This morning I woke up with a renewed zest for TSM and a deep love for everything in the universe. THEN, I decided to Google "crushing pills potency" and the word "fatal" popped up just a few too many times for my comfort. Here is what one site said:

Having crushed medicinal pills could have serious, even fatal, consequences, on your health.

Experts estimate that over 80% of people find it convenient to crush tablets into powder before swallowing them. According to the doctors, crushing pills can alter their effect besides affecting the way the drug is released and absorbed in our digestive tract.

A lot of medicines available in the form of tablets have a special coating which prevents the chemical inside from coming in contact with the epithelial lining of your stomach. The medicine is meant to pass through your stomach and reach your intestine for absorption. When crushed the medicine comes into the contact with the stomach wall which may lead to a gastric injury and even bleeding.

A number of medicines, the experts warn, are effective when they are released slowly into your digestive tract. For example, anti-diabetic drug Metformin is meant to be released over 24 hours. Crushing of such medicines would lead to their action lasting only for a limited period only.

According to a drug expert, a tablet may have some binding agents and other accessory chemicals, which often are not spread uniformly across a tablet. Thus consuming even half a tablet with the intention of having half the dosage of the medicine may change their effect when consumed individually at two different times. Hence it may be thoroughly wrong to imagine that breaking a tablet into two would reduce its potency by half.

As has been observed most patients who crush tablets before their intake mix them in juice or milk. This may result into undesirable interaction of drug with the liquid. According to the experts, drugs that are not scored or lined from the center must never be crushed under any circumstance.

I was somewhat relieved when I read the last sentence because my naltrexone does indeed have a score mark down the middle, so crushing could potentially be safe, but I'm not going to risk it. I'm going to go back to the time-honored tradition of swallowing my 2 solid pinky-orangey pills and see where that takes me.

And hey, great to hear from some fellow strugglers. Let's just try and chill and take our pill!

I used to snort ritalin. it was poor man's cocaine when I was in high school. Don't start snorting your NAL! snorting stuff makes it hit you faster and harder but it goes through your system faster. crushing the Nal may also make it go through your system faster so don't rick it. you may lose coverage after just a couple hours

Day 2 on 100mg and I think it is the magic number.

For almost 20 weeks I've been dragging my feet on 50mg of naltrexone with a glimmer of cured here and there and now I'm like a disciplined nun, OK, not quite....last night I sipped and enjoyed 2 units of champagne while making dinner and then 1 unit of red with dinner. The alcohol had a much bigger effect on me and all desire pointed to, "NO MORE!" I effortlessly switched over to water and didn't think about alcohol again until around 1.a.m. when I couldn't sleep, popped on a horror film, freaked out (trigger!) and had one more unit of red to help me get back to sleep.

Now, I've been around the TSM block way too many times to instantly jump for joy, but I do finally feel like this new behavior just might stick and be the beginning of my cure (of course, I laugh as I cautiously write this).

P.S. Joe, I promise I won't even try snorting naltrexone for at least a year .

.

Hooray for 100mg! I see my doctor tomorrow morning at my one month point, so I will be interested to see whether she suggests increasing dosage yet, or waiting a few more months.

Congratulations on feeling closer to the finish line!

If I had a rubber panic room, I'd probably be in it 4 out of 7 nights a week since starting TSM, but since I have no such room in my house, I've had to dump all my woes in my diary, on my blog, and here on this lovely forum. It's exhausting.

I've been thinking a lot about all my panic and obsessing about TSM and if it will work, if it won't work and I've decided to stop the nonsense—leave the carnival and get on the happy bus! Maybe I've just lost it??? Oh, well, regardless, I've decided to stop for several reasons. 1. Since the beginning of TSM, despite the ups & downs, I've showed signs of being a "responder" to this treatment; this very clear fact never goes away and every day I get closer to my goal even though I doubt it at times. 2. The old adage is true—"a watched pot never boils." 3. Everyone's titration is different and mine, for the moment, seems to be 100mg. I've decided to stay at this level for awhile and then hopefully have a much lower maintenance dose when I'm cured.

Last night was another low unit evening. 4 sherry-sized glasses of wine (barely 2/3 of a unit fit into the glass). I got this idea from Kirstie Alley's show, Fat Actress; in one episode she eats off of doll plates in an effort to lose weight. Seeing how I was going around with a gladiator-sized goblet, the smaller glass doesn't seem like such a bad idea. I barely wanted the fourth glass of red, but nevertheless drank it because I had a dinner of very heavy pasta. The rest of the evening I didn't think about alcohol at all which is what a "normal" person does, something I've always dreamed of.

Another reason I've decided to avoid the panic room is because, even normal people overindulge from time to time, which means so do TSMers (the only difference is we panic because we don't seem to be anchored anywhere safe). My husband, who is not an alcoholic, drank 6 beers one night last week. There was no rhyme or reason attached to it, other than the beer was there, it tasted really good, and we were enjoying a few good movies. End of story.

Something I cannot get out of my head ever since I began TSM is Akira Kurosawa's brilliant movie, Dreams. In particular, the story,"The Bizzard"—a group of mountain climbers get stuck in a horrible blizzard on the way back to their camp. They are exhausted, they argue, they start walking more slowly as the blizzard worsens. They feel defeated and want to give up. They all fall down in the snow to rest. The leader is tempted by a beautiful demon to give in to their frozen exhaustion. She says, ''Snow is warm...ice is hot.'' Once the blizzard dies down they see that their camp was right in front of them, they just needed to walk a little further. I just need to walk a little further through the blizzard, too....

After upping my dose to 100 mg for 7 days and noticing immediate results, I'm just as quickly scaling back. Why? Because women change their mind all the time. OK, seriously, I noticed the naltrexone lingered in my system the next day, causing an uncomfortable foggy malaise. It may have brought my units down, but at too heavy of a price.

SO, last night I finally, finally tried what my good friend Ben has suggested many times--to chew the pill! Ben swears chewing the pills has made all the difference in the world. So, I chewed 75mg last night and as Ben forewarned, it was a bitter, nasty experience, but luckily I had a glass of orange juice to take the edge off. Well, I sipped 1 unit of red with dinner and then had 1 more unit before bed which I also drank slowly.

Better than the low units was my lack of interest in drinking. A friend of mine was over and she drank 5 beers and a shot of whiskey. Normally, I'd be right there with her drinking the same if not more, but I felt as reserved as the Queen of England, sipping my 2 modest units over the course of 4 hours.

I may drop back to 50mg (chew it of course) and see if my units stay low and more importantly see if this disinterest in alcohol sticks around.

Before naltrexone: 42-50 units per week • Unit count for week 1 through week 21: 18units • 32units • 39units • 49units • 32units • 25units • 27units • 28units • 34units, 1 AF day. • 42units • 44units • 39 units • 42units • 35.5units • 37units • 31units • 35units • 38units • 49units • 49units • 31units