Now maybe I'm still well in denial but I was just thinking. It's all well and good to count drinks but what about the so called - 'big picture'. Why drink? Because it feels good, my friends, as we all know.

My psychologist cancelled our appointment today and I'd already organised a couple of hours off work, so guess what I did? Well, it's a beautiful crisp Autumn (i think you call it Fall) day and I was wandering aimlessly. It took a bit of thinking - where does a girl in corporate dress drink alone during the day (I'm intimidated by blokey pubs) - so I wander down to this touristy fish-market by the harbour, buy a few prawns and I had 3 of those mini wine bottles. I had to come back to work so here I am at 3pm feeling, well, rather tipsy and yet still yearning. Yeah, the yearning sucks. Dr Sinclair says "when people are addicted to alcohol they aren't experiencing much pleasure" - sorry, but I reckon this is crap. When you're in it are you really suffering? Because I'm not. I want more because it's good!

Initially I was embarrassed, thinking - god, i'm pathetic, can't I think of something constructive to do. I thought about shopping but, meh. And then, sitting anonymously in the middle of a huddle of japanese tourists, with my ipod up loud, listening to 90's grunge and drinking cheap wine -I felt good. Blissful even. And, you know what - I think we have to acknowledge this. We are LUCKY! We can access this state of bliss just from a few drinks and the problem is that even though the low is, undoubtedly low, the high is high. It's pretty bloody high. I actually don't think we are illogical. They just don't get it.

And so - I'm in two minds. Do I really want to give this up? I'm not getting any sex, or - alas, love. I am lonely, sad - but I've always had a melancholy disposition. I really don't get it when people say "life is this wonderful magical thing" Huh? - we're all going to die, and it's unlikely to be fast and painless! Even your children are going to die. Have you not heard about what people DO to each other?? Maybe I'm hyper-sensitive, but yesterday a man with a knife 'butchers' children in a kindergarten. My heart is broken every day and the only way I can access a state of, 'yeah - it's ok to be alive', is when I'm drunk. So, maybe if I wasn't an alcoholic I'd be a suicidal depressive. Anyway, it's not as though those countries that forbid drinking have created any utopian societies.

So - sorry to get off topic but it seemed like an insight for me. That I can't resolve this issue with the constant - "oh, if only I could be stronger, get this dreaded alcohol out of my life" because it's not the full story. I was soooo relieved that my counsellor cancelled because I didn't have to lie. Why can't I say to him "I love drinking" without feeling guilt and shame? I've never been an aggressive drunk so mostly I hurt myself when I do/say embarrassing things, sleep with the wrong people etc, but most of my favourite memories also involve drinking. Let's face it - everything is better with a drink. My CBT therapy says things like "why not try a bubble bath instead of a drink as a reward at the end of the day". Hmmm. Why not indeed, how many reasons do you want? (Or isn't "because I'm a f***ing alcoholic" good enough??) Of course, I'm Miss Primm to him.

Obviously, we are trying this method because we want to be able to drink if we want to and not get 'drunk' but I think it should be acknowledged that we are giving up something too. I hope I am 'cured' but - to be completely honest - I'll also be a a little bit sad about losing this wonderful ability to access the warm and fuzzy's too. Or does this go without saying and I'm just really dense?

Anyway, I hope this doesn't make anyone feel less inspired or committed but I think it helps me and I hope maybe some others, to say "yes, you have been good and I still love you, and will probably always miss you, but I have to let you go", rather than "i hate you, go away". I feel like gollum with the ring now - "precious, my precious wine" ;0

I can understand where you are coming from Mickey but you need to get real. Is this what you want in your life? We all get sad about the world, but you can't make it a reason to drink! I think you should find a counsellor who doesn't cancel on you because, while I think it's great that you can see beauty in the world after a few wines, a healthy person sees beauty in the world without that. Maybe you are depressed? I can't say anything except keep taking that naltrexone. You are 'in it' as you said and you cannot see how good life can be if you keep doing what you are doing.

I think you must be quite young. I know how hard it is, I wouldn't want to go back there but please - you don't need to go through this pain, because I can see drinking is not helping you - no matter what you think while you're 'in it'. I hope this makes sense to you.

Gooood Post....Ruby Tuesday. sorry, had to go there. all I can say is speak for yourself. I am not doing sinclair method so I can drink if I want to. That just happens to be a choice I get to make more easily at the end. I came here to get off of alcohol. If that meant abstinence, I was ready to do it. I just wanted to find something that works. Good luck, and if you want to get drunk maybe this isn't for you. I hope you keep it up though. Keep posting. thanks

I used to think just like you in my 20's and early 30's. I was highly independent, self-employed, made a great living, wasnt married, always had a GF, in short no one could tell me what to do. I told every woman I ever dated never question me about my drinking. I thought exactly the same...man this wonderful...most of the best times in my life are when drunk...partying with friends the works...ah that buzz is so sweet. I was a happy drunk never caused problems. Laughed one hell of a lot. Got along great with my buddies. I never drove drunk. I never let booze affect my job or business. It was the PERFECT side kick in life to let off steam with and have one hell of a good time. That was chapter one when I was younger.

Then towards the end of my 30's ( I'm 42) it all turned to hell and fast. A couple of life events such as an illnes then death of my mother with no insurance, the economy, fnances tightening was the perfect storm and cytalyst to send me off the rails with booze. I was no longer the 'happy" drunk. I was ready to throw down the minute someone looked at me wrong. Personal relationships turned to hell because when drunk, which was mostly 5 days a week, I became an a verbally abusive monster. I started drinking Crown Royal on the rocks and really hated beer because it could not acheive that oh sweet buzz. That sweet buzz now was used to erase my mind..stop the world if you ill. The sweet buzz was now time to drink black out and forget...wake up and do it all over again. I stopped going out to bars with friends, as I didn't want to get arrested and they were sick of my antics anyways. I isolated in the house for days or weeks at a clip. Bought enough booze to last for a week or 2 so I wouldn't have to go out. I would wake up in various places and wonder how the hell I got there, how I got this cut or that bruise, and why was there puke all over the floor. The depression..oh my god it was hell on earth. I didn't care if I lived or died. Chapter 2 of my life with booze I could write volumes on the hell...the good times with my buddy alcohol were definitly gone and gone for good.

Your comment about we are all trying this pill to keep drinking is way inaccurate I'm afraid. Ah what it's like to be young. For me there was no way in hell I was going to the cult called AA. Did it in my teens when I didn't need it from overcatious parents. I would die with a Crown on the rocks in my hand before I went there. Not knocking it, but it is not for me. I searched for various methods to quit and found TSM. I wanted to quit. I bought the book read it cover to cover 3 times why I waited for my Nal from River Pharmacy.

I declared myself cured back in Febuary and really was not prepared for what "cured" was. Even reading it in the book and reading posts here, my drunk alcoholic mind could not wrap around the concept. At first I was skeptical of this method. My alcoholic mind went" awsome I can still drink". I resolved in my own mind to stop thinking about cured and what it meant and go wherever the pill took me. I had zero to lose.No nagging wife or GF, i isloated from all my friends, so it was just me. When I got to the point in febuary of declaring myself cured..I then understood what it meant. To me cured means my brain has been re-wired like what was said in the book. I can take or leave alcohol with zero effort and almost zero thought. I drink on very rare occasions and it's no big deal - take my nal one hour prior. Alcohol is not the boogeyman, it a damn liquid that I can now take or leave and mostly leave with little thought of why etc.

At first I wrestled with the BS AA stuff ingrained in me of sobriety. Obviously TSM goes agaisnt everything AA stands for and promotes as a way of life. Finally for myself I woke up one day and hell you haven't been drunk in months, you barley drink, your life has fallen back into place perfectly so to HELL with "sobriety as defined by AA. Sorry but this end result of TSM is even better from the standpoint alcohol has a nothing role in my life..no nightly meeting about it etc. If I drink these days I don't drink any hard liquour I drink beer I usually have only 1 and if I feel crazy maybe two and in all seriouness there is very little thought that goes into having a couple drinks except for take the Nal and wait an hour. Also when I do drink these days it's more or less to be social I HAVE ZERO DESIRE TO GET BANGED-UP ZERO. I don't miss the buzz one bit not at all. I cant beleive I am actually writting that but it's the truth. To me that is my re-wired brain. I dont give a rats ass about the term sobriety any longer which was a self imposed struggle in my head. I dont get drunk, my life is good and thats DAMN good enough for me.

You sound very young and like you really don't want to quit. I can't blame when I was younger there was no way I was going to quit and no one on the earth could tell me different. Chapter 1 with booze was chock full of good times, I just wasn't really prepared for Chapter 2 of hell with booze and actually fast it came. The good part you know about TSM. Maybe you wouldn't go off the rails. I know plenty of people who drank hard all their lives and booze never caused hell...got plenty of uncles like that. If you do you know of TSM...good luck.

crown

one of the best posts I've read on here. Bravo sir.

Mickey - my guess is you have more issues than alcohol to contend with here. But crown has shown you where the alcohol path takes us all, when we have that mindset.

Good luck and keep posting.

I agree with Mickey on this actually. I too really "miss" the happy kinda buzz I used to get. Now I think geez why am I drinking this lousy stuff anyway? But the answer is still: because I have needs that I can't meet in another way.

Of course that's not the case - I just MISS the buzz. Truth be told: sometimes I loved that buzz, but many times it would turn on me and I'd be a nasty person, or I couldn't control it and black out how the heck I got home from the neighbours BBQ...

So yes, My Dear, I too miss it but as you progress as a boozer it becomes something different - so most of us have made the decision: the buzz is nice, but sometimes we can't control what we do once we tip over the edge - so we're FORCED to make other choices.

You will have to try to project where you might be in the future. Will you be able to keep drinking and enjoying it? Why have you begun the process of quitting in the first place? Was there something in your drinking that led to bad places (as you describe in your great post)? So what alternative do you have?

I know it's hard to imagine life without. Many of us are still struggling to fill that hole left in our lives. But as hard as it may be we simply must do it. For us the alternative is a deep dark place. I turn 65 in 3 weeks and I don't want the rest of my life to be the way it was before....my struggles have not ended even tho I feel in control - I have a lot of work to do on my mind now that dear Dr. Sinclair has helped my body change. So Mickey keep at it. TSM is a start - just a starting place for the rest of your struggle. God Bless.