I really dont know where to start here, so if I start rambling please be patient.

I am an alcoholic. there you go, i have just said it (or wrote it). I have been drinking progressively worse for the last 25 years. My father was an alcoholic who died because he commited suicide when he was 42, and I felt I waited until I was over 42 to see if I would still be alive. I actually feel that I always test things, push everytihing to the limits. If I have a bag of sweets, I eat the whole bag. If I smoke, I smoke 30 a day or none (incidentally I can give up smoking after weeks of 30 a day really easily and have, in the past often smoked 30 a day for a whole week on a girlie holiday, to stop immediately on getting home). I try and lose weight I go on a strict diet, last a few days and then eat everything in sight. No willpower! However, i have had the willpower, to bring up 6 children (5 of which were not my own), at the same time undertake a degree, run a very successful business etc

Now to the alcohol, I drink, binge, drink, binge. Nowadays rarely a day goes by without a drink or 4. Presently, rarely more than 5/6 glasses of wine, because if I go over this the results are terrible. I cannot sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night with terrible feelings of dread and lay awake all night with terrible anxiety. This anxiety started really badly about 7 months ago, and at first it was constant because of relationship problems, but now it is usually just if I drink too much, or I worry about my drinking, or other peoples opinions of me (this is a big problem for me). However, before the anxiety I could oftent drink 2/3 bottles of wine a night.

I have tried 3 real times to stop drinking, first time I did it with topa and did 30 days tried to moderate, and nothing changed. Didnt feel the topa did anything, it was pure willpower and absolute hell!! I had alsorts of side effects.

The second time I went to the docs and admitted I had a problem, but the real reason was that I needed to lose weight and was going on the Cambridge diet, which was strictly no alcohol. She gave me sone antabuse and some valium type tablets. With the two I managed another month, but as often is found, I tapered it off, knowing I was going on holiday and would want to partake of the wine.

I want back a few months later and tried the antibuse/valium again, but to no effect. I just dont have the willpower to take the antabuse, ridiculous. yes, but this disease is not rational

The other thing to mention is that I have had raised liver enzymes for 4 yrs, 3 yrs ago I had a scan and was told that my liver was slightly enlarged, but with hypothyroidism that was to be expected. I have had another lot of bloods done about 18 months ago and they had gone up, not down. My doc has done a prescription for me to have them done again, but I just cant make myself go. i am so scared that they will be so high, they will do another scan and i will have cirrhosis.I have had the presciption for over 6 months, but am paralysed to go. Every day I say I will stop drinking for a week or two weeks then I will go for the blood test, but of course, I dont. So every day, I beat myself up, cos I have failed yet again. The same with the diet, I am over 3 stone overweight and of course I cant lose weight drinking nearly 2 bottles of wine a night. The fear paralyses me, but doesnt stop me, why??????

This method seems like a last resort to me, I am so full of hope, but SO scared, in case it is another failure. Each time I feel, I feel I am losing so much of my self esteem, I have got to the stage where I am scared to try again. I know this sounds crazy, because the other alternative is, i suppose, death. Just a slow version of what my father did, which affected me so badly, but still knowing this does not seem to have any affect.

I really want to do this, but am so scared that it will not work, because I am not sure I can cope with another failure. My commitment will be 100% as it always is with a new venture (this is half the problem, but I dont stick to it), because of this I dont feel able to tell my family of my doc (I live in France currently and they are about 20 yrs behind the UK), so I will have to buy my Nal. I am going to order the book and the nex to be sent to a friends house in the UK I am visiting next week. If you all think it is ok for me to go ahead.

The other qs I have is the worry that the nal will stop my "happy senses", I have suffered from bad depression over the past few years ( I am sure this will clear after alcohol stops), and I am worried that I will not enjoy other things with the Nal. Do not enjoy exercise (is this normal as I would have thought they came together), not that fussed about sex but would hate to live without it, managed to give up smoking, but alcohol is a different thing. However, I did notice that I had a flutter on the National on Sat, and the same anxiety was there with that when I lost as when I drink too much, the next day. Correlation!! but i am not addicted to gambling only ever do it once a year.

I know this is so long and rambling, but I have to wait to go to UK for the book and am so anxious for help. I hope that some of you will please help me.

Thank you in advance x

Hi Sober!

It is lovely to have you here...there is a lot of stuff in your post to go through and I am completely beat now, it is midnight- I am also in Europe (Spain).

I hope some of our stateside members will be able to give you some responses tonight, and it is first on my 'to do' list for tomorrow!

You have come to the right place:)

Hey, Sober. You're definitely in the right place. From your few paragraphs, you seem to be exactly the kind of person that would most likely benefit from the Sinclair Method.

There is some concern about the liver thing, but any doctor I've talked to tells me that the danger of liver problems from naltrexone is considerably less than that for continuing to drink.

If you tolerated Topamax, naltrexone will probably be a breeze. It doesn't seem to have a huge impact in most people's enjoyment of things, but it might encourage a "take it or leave it" attitude like it does with alcohol. The alcohol free days, when you skip naltrexone and drinking for a couple of days and enjoy the things you want to continue enjoying, tend to more than compensate for that effect. You'll read all about that in the book.

So, heck yea, you're perfect! Hop around the forum and see what other people's experiences have been, start your own "progress" thread, and join in the discussions. We're glad to have another participant.

Welcome, I'm pretty new here too, but everyone here has been exceptionally friendly and supportive. I'm a topa dropout as well - horrible stuff! I was afraid the nal would ruin the enjoyment of drinking. Unlike some of the reports I've read from other people, I still get great pleasure from drinking while I'm doing it. The Nal didn't ruin that, although I did forget to drink my beer in a timely manner. Now that I know the Nal doesn't totally kill my buss( I can't spell right because I spilled wine in my keyboard, but I meant the sound that bees make), I am confident that this will work for me. I hope it works for you as well. It seems there are may of us who have tried everything . . .

Hi Soberwithin & welcome!
We all share your hope this method works and obviously, it is more progressively successful for some than for others. I advise you to (gee, how many times have I said this, Wally?) count your drinks! Write down the times you have another one and be honest - if you pour a big 'ol glass of wine, measure it. It may be 3 "units")

I, too, feel your anxst & understand your worries and concerns about your weight & liver issues. Aside from drinking, I used to snack on crackers, chips, etc. I cut out refined carbs & sugar from my diet (with the exception of alcohol) about 5 yrs ago and lost 45 lbs. It rocked my world. (South Beach Diet) More protein fills you up & provides a good "base" for the drinking you are doing anyway. May be a thought -

Good luck and so glad you are on board!

Hello Sober and Welcome
I 'll just add one thing to all the rest which I'm glad came your way .
I too live in France and have managed to get NAL on prescription . So for later consider this :
If your generalist won't give it try a consultant specialist like gastrologue or even an addiction councillor who's a medical doctor . With the latter you 'd probably better
state your devotion to abstinence and not mention tsm .
i've fired my last generalist over his odious attitude to alcohol problems and decided to be honest with the new one . They have guidelines on how NAL should be prescribed and it is as an aid to abstinence but if they're worth their salt and think it's doing you good they'll give you the script and tacitly accept you'll do it tsm.

Hey Sober - you've definitely come to the right place: Welcome!

Obviously, the book will do wonders for you, but as others have said - several chapters of it are available via this forum (under 'What is the Sinclair Method'). The most important next step is to get the Naltrexone. I wouldn't suggest you even mention TSM to your doctor - it's still misunderstood. However, the Nal is approved to help with alcohol cravings. Just say that is why you need it. Most doctors think it is to be used with abstinence, so agree to that (lie, cheat, etc.) if that's what it takes to JUST GET IT! My psych doesn't know I'm using TSM, but he glady continues to write my prescription because he believes I'm not drinking with it.

About your liver issues, Naltrexone is a very safe drug, and as Robert said - it certainly isn't as harmful as the alcohol. Dr. Eskapa recommends you get tested, and most intelligent people would agree. In my case, if I'm going to continue drinking regardless of the results (not being able to stop is how I got here), I don't see the point. Getting the Nal and starting the program is the best thing you can do for your liver in the long run.

Everyone here is wonderful and supportive. No judgement here, as we all have horror stories because of alcoholism. It's a great feeling to know you're not alone. We'll always be here for you.

Glad you joined us!

Well Gee Whiz, Sober - don't ya feel all warm and fuzzy by now? Appeals for help such as yours, and responses like this, are why I LOVE alkies! Never did buy into the 'alkies are all selfish and self-centered' malarky - and I hope you won't believe that about yourself, either. You're a woman who went for a walk thru the forest and had a tenacious, cruel monkey drop down on her back. You've been fighting to get that monkey to let go for years, and it's just a lot stronger than you are. Don't beat yourself up for something you couldn't/can't help. As for the judgement of other people. . .who cares? They're wrong, anyway.

You've definitely come to the right place. Robert is right (as usual). You're a top candidate for The Sinclair Method. After several weeks - yes dear, weeks - that monkey will start to lose its hold on you. Even if your drinking doesn't abate much for awhile, your thinking toward it, and life, will begin to improve. You'll begin to understand that while on Naltrexone every drink you take is helping you to restore the natural biological balance of your brain until, after several months - yes, months - that monkey will simply fall off your back, and you'll have finally won the battle.

Just be aware, that little devil is still gonna follow you around, trying to find an opportunity to take you captive again. So be sure to always carry Naltrexone so that every single time you decide to have a drink, you will prevent that darn monkey from taking hold again!

That suggestion to cut out sweets/carbs and to major on protein is an excellent one. I always feel much, much better when I follow this route in my diet.

Thank you all so much for your fantastic replies. I still have a few questions.

Has anyone found a correlation between decreased anxiety and the SM? My problem is I cant get to sleep now without a valium tablet because of the anxiety, and correct me if I am wrong, I cant take valium with nal, it will make me ill - is that right? Any other suggestions for a sleeping/anti-anxiety drug in the meantime.

The refined sugars/carb thing. I was on Atkins for a while but my doc said it was extremely bad for you, especially if you have high liver enzymes, because it puts you into ketosis, which can damage your liver, and even worse if you drink whilst in ketosis. Anyone get any thoughts/knowledge of this.

I cant go to my docs, because when I went a few weeks ago with crippling anxiety and couldnt stop crying at all, she basically told me to go back on anti-depressants and stay on them the rest of my life and wanted to send me to a french psychiatrist who doesnt speak English (what use is that). I have done various forms of counselling, with varying results, and recently had a course of analytical hypnotherapy, which cost me a fortune and made things much worse.

I really do believe that the alcohol and the worry over it, is the main cause of my anxiety and that if I tackle this, I will be more than half way there. I am kidding myself.

Also,does anyone else here have what I call, self destructive tendancies, ie not just the drinking, but if I diet after a few days I always sabotage it, I promise I will exercise and after a week, I stop. It is almost as if I am addicted to failure where looking after myself is concerned.

Anyhow, thanks so much for all your help. Ordered the book today, but it will be a couple of weeks before I get it, so any help would be appreciated.