yeah, Jim, why beat yourself up? Have you not got your missus for that? Oh, sorry, that's so mean but I'm in a snarly mood myself - last night on my first hit of Wellbutrin and 4 glasses of lousy wine I actually got into a verbal tussle with my dinner host and insulted him, criticized him, pretty much told him he was an idiot....you get the picture -it was not pretty and I left under a cloud - had VERY bad side effects from the wellbutrin all night - so back to the drawing board to find something for depression....hey did I hijack your thread? didn't mean to....

meant to say Jim, don't force the AFs, mine snuck up on me so out of the blue....hang in there! I'm struggling in lots of different ways with the drink, life, etc. but at least I am in much better control than ever before. Last night I was able to gather my tattered dignity around me and at least walk to the car - in other days I'd have slept on their doorstep!!!!!

HI Everyone,

First,...I used to know how to edit my subject line but can't seem to get that done since about 4 months ago, as I am on month 8 (week 32ish).

First the good news, I was on a gig in DC this past weekend and had my normal 2-3 drinks through the evening effortlessly and felt no effects. Gig went well except one of the other cats got a little wasted before the gig,..but managed to get through the evening with a little help from us as he sobered up through the gig.

Now the bad news. I asked the singer to get me a HALF PINT for afterwards. Well he got me a pint,...sadly I should have immediately split it with someone. Instead I drank it all on the way back to the hotel,..passed out, blacked out, woke up late and missed my plane. If my boss finds out (who was on another gig), this could be problematic. He's on me about drinking but knows that I am generally responsible but have never got out of control on a gig drinking wise and oftentimes I'm the go to guy for the planner and such ....

I had a hangover but when I returned home, I did not drink. It was easy if I really looked at it for what it was. I have been reading a book by peter Hamill called "The Drinking Life". If you're into the setting of NYC as a backdrop in the 40's and 50's (and probably 60's I'm halfway through and we're still in the 50's), its a great read. And its a coming of age story. more than halfway through and he's just starting to drink, so don't let the title fool you. I will report more when I finish.

Anyways, as I was drinking my chamomile tea, I thought, wow,..this is nice. Went out with the Mrs. when I got back from DC, had dinner. If you read my old posts, I'd often get drunk on the way to dinner.

I am going to a wine tasting WITH HER tonight. I don't know what she's thinking (she doesn't allow me to practice TSM openly,...I have to hide my drinking), but I am going to try and just have a few glasses overall and come home and not have any more (If she'll even let me drink which would be rather odd,...at a wine tasting staring at everybody taste,..I'll report)...It will be a challenge, but I have a bigger challenge ahead,...next Tuesday I have arthroscopic surgery and from what
I read, its not 24-48 hours,..but more like 5-7 days for NAL to wash out....And seeing Es's post about pain after being off NAL 5 days has me a bit worried.....regardless,..my point is, I need to be AF starting Thursday,...and may I ask for your moral support,..in this instance,..absolutely no drinking while off NAL...I'm hoping this will be the magic gift from the sky that after I make it a few days,..its like,...huh,...this is way easier than I thought and that I may be catapulted into semi cured.....because, if I do this properly, I think that I will have to be AF for at least 10 days and I have not been AF that long since my relapse which was 3.5 years ago.....

OK, I'm a bit down and worried about the whole missing plane thing, but all and all even if it was with a hangover, I'm glad I made it yet another AF day. BTW, I think I had one the other day as well on the heels of another hangover.....I'm thinking this is the extinction burst because my thoughts are somewhere here "This is pathetic. A grown man,...drunk like a college kid...wouldn't you rather do ANYTHING else? Your memory won't remember anything and whats the point...more than halfway through your life throwing days away...kinda sad".

I write out my thoughts to help myself and if anyone gets anything from them great.

In regards to my wife and I, we're doing better and nowhere near where we were (on the verge of divorce).....I'm hopeful that we will make it...She seems to love me but sometimes I wonder. With my Bohemian lifestyle, love of gardening (I hope y'all have your peas in by now and they're up grabbing the trellises, as well radishes....and I'm going to plant carrot seed today or tomorrow. I've got bean plants and Corn that I started indoors as well as my tomatoes which are still small but I have 6 different varieties and the cukes too (3-4 different varieties...the funniest thing,...my garden plot is 15 X 30....hahahaha...yeah right like I can grow all that and 4-5 feet by 20 feet are strawberry plants,..I may have to dig a lot of them up...but I will just sell starters in the front of the house for the vegetable plants I have no space for)) Oh yeah I have red cabbage and Broccoli,..still very small as well,...

Thanks a lot,..I do read the board almost daily even if I don't post,....Best, Jim C

Take care friends....

Hang in there Jim. Wishing you the best on your AF streak!

Jim I'm pulling for you the two of us are going to do it seeing I also need surgery very soon and I need to be done not only with drinking but smoking as well a double whammy! Hopefully the BAC will kick in by then. Hold tight you can do it, it's amazing sometimes when we really need to do something how we can muster up the strength.

I'm with you I think I should have been a farmer, just sitting in my field and watching things grow!

I'll be praying for you
corkit

Thanks NIck and Cork

I actually bought a six pack of celery plants today. The only starters I bought. The rest were from me started from seed....

Thanks again and wish me luck for 2nite and AF days ahead.....

I too got your back, Jim.. Be strong & be calm. It will be ok. A medical procedure, IMO always helps me stay focused. I had one a couplel of years ago - way before TSM, where I knew I needed to stay AF for at least 2 weeks before so I wouldn't bleed heavily.

It wasn't fun, but I did it; convinced myself (which wasn't hard) I had to. Drank tonic water & lime..maybe you can find some NA beers to help you through.

Good luck - I know you will do it just fine!

Thanks so much Houtx ,

I am a little nervous,...not about the procedure, but of cheating(drinking but taking NAL and suffering with pain because the meds won;t work), or worse breaking the golden TSM rule, which I vow on this forum not too....not taking NAL and drinking....at least at this point, I think I would suffer with the pain and if I cheated just explain that I did and need something else.

Though I think I can do it,...thanks for your support. It does make a difference to me

On a positive note, I drank in front of the Mrs. last night, 1 wine (snuck the second) and a beer. Told her calmly that I was protected and not to worry. SHe and I actually had a wonderful time. It was a Rotary function of which she was a rep in Brazil 5 years ago and wanted to join the chapter here locally. I actually was asked to join too!

So anyways, those cats have a good time. And it was nice meeting all these nice folk.

So my night was a success.

I had a few drinks on the sly which probably brought my total to 6 but I'm OK with that. I also used my herbal Baclofen, Pot, but honestly, I really just don't like the effects of dope. But I figure if it can temper my usage, then that's a good thing. I just wish I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed and 5 minutes seem like 5 years on pot....Oh well,....

Thanks again Houtx and Everyone else. I'm in a pretty good head space and anxiously awaiting the week to come. I figure I have tonight and tomorrow then AF for 5 days prior to surgery and 2-3 days after, I can start my NAL program.

Here's a question....do you think this will speed up or slow down my progress on TSM? As most of you know I am in my eighth month with some success but no where near where I wanted to be, so I'm hoping its right around the corner....BEst, Jim

Hello Everyone,

I thought it important to post on my own progress page since I am on month 8 and I'm in an interesting place as I just finished surgery this past week with a complication. I had a spinal on Tuesday that was leaky afterward causing me serious headache, neck pain, and nausea that culminated yesterday with me getting taken to the hospital lying down and lying down in the lobby as they patched my spine with my own blood (blood patch). Miraculously, it worked and I was able to leave the hospital feeling a million times better.

I had my final non NAL drinks yesterday and from here on out I will be back on the program.

Oddly through the non NAL drinking sessions, I was able to keep everything within a normal amount but as the book says, you don't get re-addicted overnight either. That I do believe.

Last night, I had a martini and 3 beers. That's equivalent to about 6 units. Passed out from tiredness after the martini and woke up and had three beers. Which is normal amount TSM these days. Woke up felt fine but then mid afternoon had a little nausea and headache. Kinda scared my patch had burst but I think it was just a hangover. ON 6 UNITS. HAHAHA.

I love TSM even though I wasn't practicing it this past week (because of pain meds), I can safely say (i know we all say it) that my tolerance is absolutely gone. I'm so happy by this. Just the thought of a pint and 4 beers makes me ill.

Anyways, today, granted I'm a bit under the weather and New England has gray skies and rain, I will be AF. I can say that with confidence. Maybe I needed a traumatic event (the surgery and subsequent spinal leak) to kind of break up my routine and I honestly think that I've turned a corner, but I've sadly said that many times before so I will just say that I am optomisitic of whats to come. My turn to hopefully get cured and real soon. Other than that, hang tight and its so nice to see some of the newer cats getting cured and as usual keeping this forum the sweetest place in cyberspace without all the Hatorade.....hahahah

Best, Jim

Jim,

So glad you pulled through with relatively few events. The blood patch scenario sounded awful. How are you doing now? How long were you off of Nal prior to your surgery.

Continue to be optimistic and take care of yourself!

BB

HI Everyone,

I realized I hadn't posted on my thread in a while and felt as though I needed to if only to introduce myself to some of the newer folk and say hello to the older ones. I have a 1 year anniversary coming up next month on TSM and have tried to rap my head around where I am and why I've not come down to where I want to be.

First of all, I am having an AF day this evening and it doesn't seem to be proving itself difficult. I think part of that was that I had a mild hangover today and the other was I went to couples counseling and my wife is so frustrated with me smoking a little pot and drinking, out of respect for our marriage, I am going to try and refrain from drinking (and pot)and abstain. I haven't strung more that one day AF since starting. This will be an interesting experiment and I'm looking forward to.

What I'm actually hoping is that Sinclair has been doing its thing in the background and my stubborn brain and habit keep telling me to drink. Maybe with a few days sober (I'm also starting a liver cleanse today), I can see ,..hey this ain't that hard and continue. And not have that roaring craving three days in. And if I drink after some days off, maybe that could jump start the rapid decline. Or maybe I'll find myself disinterested as my new sobriety comes relatively easily. I will be posting often these next few days with updates. My best to all, Jim Clark