I am 33 years old and work in the audio recording industry. I come from alcoholic families on both sides of the gene pool and was raised in an alkie household. No beatings of anything too shocking, just general insanity with a lot of fighting and infidelity between my parents when I got into my teens (oh and 8 marriages between my 2 parents combined. MY dad's been married 5 times and my mom 3.
I first tried sips of beer when I was a kid, when my dad and uncles etc. would give me sips. I liked it. I first got drunk at 14 on Jack Daniels. I loved it. Never turned back. From then on it was all about scoring alcohol and drugs and learning to play guitar. I scored 2 fake ID's at 15 and was always able to procure alcohol, which I already preferred to weed or anything else, but I really liked combining drugs with booze. I always smoked a lot of weed but never without alcohol because I had panic attackswhen I got stoned unless I drank too. I got in my first band at 20. had a blast and played in bands and worked dumpy jobs and partied and a great time. but at a young age, about 18 when I moved out of the house, I was able to drink every day. I have drunk every night or day, with the exception of a few days when I was too sick or puking blood. and even then I usually found a way to eat something so I could drink again. I started having panic attacks, got on anti depressants and took a lot of valium, xanex and ativan and drank a ton.
Went to 12 step rehab at 24 and drank right out of the gates when I left. I ended up wrecking a rental car at 25 and totalling it going well over 100, I emerged unscathed and kept drinking. I went to jail for 30 days after violating probation for the DUI twice. I met a girl, fell in love and moved back to my hometown to live with her (we both drank a lot and did a fair amount of coke) Eventually we got married in October '08. I was unhappy and beligerant and it got worse. it was a codependant relationship where she "took care of me" and made sure I had booze and I was an angry prick and we both were crazy. 9 months after we were married, she left and we were separated for 6 months during which hI went to AA and stayed sober hoping to get her back, She kept drinking and feeling sorry for herself. we got divorced a year ago in march25th '09. when she first delivered the news of filing in an email, instead of showing up at therapy like we planned, I was crushed.
I drank for a night and was hungover and went back to AA, beat myself up, and was sober 3 more months. drank again and came back for 3 more months, since then it's been a month or two sober, a couple weeks drunk etc.etc. I have worked the steps hard and honestly and am not "constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself" or "naturally incapable of grasping a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty." AA just didn't keep me sober. I hate some things about it like the fact that if you fail it's never that AA didn't work for you, it's always your fault for being "insane" and ****. and the brainwashing and slogans. they program people and I am not very robotic or programmable. I guess I'm "terminally unique" as they say.
Well I reefuse to beat myself up over it now. I drank, big f***ing deal. but I really want to quit or cut back and be "cured" I hope this works and believe it will. I've been on NAL for just a couple days and am reading Eskapa's book. going to the shrink today (who gave me vivitrol a year or so ago, and asking to get on sinclair. if she won't prescribe NAL, I'll keep going to ALLDAY.
So far so good, my drinking is so far cut in half, but I understand that will go up and down before I'm cured. I almost had to force myself to drink yesterday but I really want the process to be working and I did drink everyday for 14 years. We shall see. I'll post my progress because I like reading y'all's. One thing I liked about AA was the support form other alcoholics. I just don't like the cult aspect and the closed mindedness towards other methods.

Welcome, Joe.

I've seen some of your previous posts. Thank you for sharing your story.

I'm in week 6 of Nal (see my Weekly Progress if you're interested). It's definitely lowered my units and craving and given me hope and self-worth that I haven't had in years. My experience with AA was very limited, and I liked the companionship of others with my problem. Like you, though, I rarely felt that it was going to work for me. If guilt and shame were going to save me, they would've done so a long time ago.

Please keep posting your progress. There will be ups and downs, and no one here will jargon you or tell you that drinking is a moral issue.

I've found that a lot of the problems in my life have gotten much easier to solve since I started believing that I have power and stopped being in an Al fog a lot of the time. I'm neither very spiritual nor a good step-follower. Nal one hour before Al, every time. Track the units. We can handle this, and it works.

Best wishes to you.

PS (Edit) -- Many here have also been on meds for recreation, depression, anxiety, sleep, pain, etc., as you've seen. I am currently trying to get off of sleep meds that became "necessary" because my body couldn't gear down to sleep on AF nights. Med interactions with TSM = something to consider on your timeline toward success.

Hey Joe,

There's a few of us musicians on this board so you know,...we can sympathize with the lifestyle and ease with which everyone loves partying with the band or buying you a drink etc....

There's a lot of support here and teh one thing I've noticed since starting in early September, even though I'm not cured, I don;t feel as though my drinking is a runaway freight train with no signs of stopping. When I drink, there is pause. SOme nights I've had effortless 2-4 drink nights. Sadly, as of late, there's been more like 6-9 unit average BUT, it certainly is less than Pre TSM and I'm really getting bored with drinking and am actually going to try for an AF day tonight....planning on doing some studio work and see what happens....write something new...(I'm a piano/keyboard guy).

Anyways, stay close here and post often,...read around there's a ton of wisdom and love floating around here...BEst, Jim

PS When I don;t sleep because of lack of booze, that doesn't bother me cuz I know eventually I will sleep,..just may be a day or two...that I look forward to

Welcome. Interesting story that no doubt, resonates with all of us. My one "practice marriage" was exactly like yours. I liken it to a pre-season game in sports -- it was a "practice marriage." Hopefully, I will one day play in a regular season game, only off the sauce.

The more I read about AA, the more pissed off I get. AA is "constitutionally incapable of telling the truth" about its dreadful efficacy rate -- 95% walkout after one brainwashing session and more people recover spontaneously, hence its "negative" recovery rate. "Moral problem" -- WTF? So the rats that are fed booze and turned into little alkie rats are morally deficient?? I'll tell you a story of immorality: thrusting millions of deathly ill people into a fruitless cult when a pharmacological treatment that works for the killer disease is readily available and at a cheap price, no less. Now that's immoral. Ok, I'm done ranting for now.

Welcome and post often.

My best,

Nick

Thanks guys, and I will admit that AA is part of my journey and I think after TSM works for me I will share it with more people who didn't make it in AA. The whole ADE thing and the guilt of AA makes people really give up hope once they relapse(even before they do), and I think that contribute to deaths and tragedies. they say AA ruins your drinking forever. That is true. and not in a good way. I enjoyed the link someone here posted to the orange papers. http://www.orange-papers.org/ although it's a bit one sided and I think it should give credit to AA for some things it brought to the table in recovery.
I did enjoy the company of other alcoholics recovering, and agree what group therapy and discussion is very helpful. but it's the absolute truths some of these people buy into that I don't get. I was refreshed that after this relapse my sponsor said "you know I take a lot of the big book stuff with a grain of salt" "I actually go to yoga way more than AA and find it to be more beneficial" so there ARE some open minded people in there. "he even said of his sponsor, "He needs those absolute truths to hang onto" but his sponsor was making assumptions about me without even asking and didn't listen. it's just that open minded discussion is discouraged in meetings and other methods are rejected prior to investigation. it even says in the big book that "someday science may find a cure" and it warns of "contempt prior to investigation" then people say "you'll die if you don't" when referring to AA, and they outright reject any new ideas. even Bill W never stopped looking for new methods. he dropped acid with aldous huxley for god's sake. Bill kept searching and all these people were stuck in the 30's
also I think these days there are a lot of addicts in AA, and for a crack addict, buying into absolute truths and fear tactics may be more necessary, as death is often more imminent. all I know is those fear tactics just make me want to prove " I can drink without dying" and I have, and I didn't die

What makes me the most angry about AA is its inherent dishonesty. The vast majority of people who are sent to AA -- or who check in themselves out of sheer desperation -- do not share its number one objective: a spiritual awakening. Not drinking, by AA's own tenets, is not the primary goal -- it's the spiritual awakening. Well guess what, I may or may not need one but that's entirely aside from the point: I went there to stop drinking and I thought that's why I was being sent there. To me it's no different than going to my doctor, seeking some help with my depression. And rather than giving me a pill that will work, he sends me to an eating disorder clinic. Once I shed those unwanted pounds, an added benefit will be my enhanced mood.

Well said, Nick - the whole AA thing just makes me want to scream and claw my face. Some aspects are good; mostly, very negative and personally demeaning. Every freaking time I go into my addiction Dr. for a med check, he mentions AA almost robotically...I ramble back to him what I have experienced and gotten from here. blahblahblah In one ear and out the other...but at least he does prescribe my meds very quickly.

Back to you, Joe - incredible story and do not be discourgaged. You are here and on the road to success. I am amazed and empathetic by what you have said about your life and ups and downs so far. It sounds like you will be sucessful w/ this - those who have the "honeymoon" usually do. So I wish you luck, salute you for being here and hope you will keep us posted of your progress!

I know you are worried, but that's what brought you here. It will be ok - you have found the support you need. There are lots of us here & we care -

XO