Firebird, don't beat yourself up. I know our AA pals would kick my ass for saying this, but "normal" people have those nights. You had one. Hope you had some fun and were reminded that when you write that check, it comes out of your account the next day. Hope you'll keep us posted so you and we can track whether this is a blip or an upswing (I'll bet it's a blip).

Do you know which trigger was hiding in the shrubs, waiting to throw you a surprise party? Good thing you always have a naltrexone handy. It wasn't really all that long ago you used to post something like this at least a couple times a week.

Yeah, I know which trigger it was. It was that I was going to be working on a music project - production work for someone else. I felt the urge to have *a* beer while working, so I took a nal. Then a beer turned into some wine, which in turn morphed into a couple of shots at the bar. Music and AL are just so intertwined in my psyche that it still gets me sometimes.

Of course music production work is best done sober, partly due to judgement issues, but also owing to changes in the frequencies we hear when under the influence.

This is a trigger I'll be happy to see extinguished so I can fully enjoy making music again.

Very well stated.

And Firebird, that crappy feeling the next day - be glad you had it; let your brain embed that memory deep in your psyche. Whenever I occasionally have a blip, I won't take any ibuprofen or acetaminophen the next day, so that those bad feelings make their indelible mark. We may as well use Pavlovian training to our advantage.

Bob

Bob -- Remember transactional analysis -- the mode of therapy that was the hot new fad of the 70's (think: Im ok/You're ok)? The T.A theory of alcoholism is that the hangover is the "payoff." We've come a long way. Or perhaps full circle.

What Do You Say After You Say Hello by Eric Berne was always my favorite T.A. work. Usually the "payoff" involves interactions between people (hence the transactions), but in this case no one even knows about it but you all and me. Perhaps a game played out between my own Parent-Adult-Child? And a lonely one at that!

Unfortunately, the punishment (hangover) comes far too long after the drinking session for classical conditioning to work, otherwise none of us would have ever become alcoholics. Nonetheless, I will endeavor to remember this crappy feeling next time I am tempted by an impromptu drinking session.

Although the punishment does come too long after the drinking session, there is no endorphin reward due to the Naltrexone blocking the positive reinforcement, so the only effect that the brain experiences is the negative effect many hours later after the Naltrexone has worn off. I can't help to think that the lack of positive reinforcement coupled with the misery of the next day is ultimately a good combination.

Since I now consciously choose which days which I decide to drink, I have narrowed the days of the week down to just two potential nights, just in case I accidentally overdo it (which is a rarity these days anyway). I don't want to have certain days of the week or the weekend ruined due to a potential hangover. Tuesday night for me is one of the potential candidate drinking nights, but last night (Tuesday night), I didn't feel like drinking, so I didn't. Thursdays, I have to be clear-headed all day, so I no longer consider Wednesday night a potential night for AL. I won't go through my whole schedule, but you can see the point.

These are things easily done after one year on TSM.

Bob

A bit of an up side in what has been a bumpy couple of weeks - tonight I took a nal and then forgot to drink until it got pretty late, and now I think, screw it, I don't feel like drinking anyway. I believe this is the first time I've ever taken an nal and not had even one drink.

Some of my feeling about not wanting to drink is actually apprehension about being hung over tomorrow, which is another first for me: I've never been scared of a good hangover. Maybe feeling really rotten the other day is actually helping me now after all. I don't know, but it seems like a step forward. So I'll take it

Hi Firebird,

Springerrider wrote some wise and encouraging words way back. I thought you may find this quote relevant.

"You are digging up triggers. Some are subtle but others are big, nasty rabbid dogs. The order they appear may not seem to make sense but you don’t get to pick and chose the way your psychy regurgitates repression. I assume I still have deep rooted triggers in myself just waiting to leap out. As long as I have taken my Naltrexone – bring ‘em on. That is how it works."

Best wishes,
Chris

Last night I didn't even want to drink. It was just that same old trigger of working on music making me think I want a drink. As soon as I took the nal I stopped obsessing about "am I going to drink tonight" and went on about my business. The nal gave me the power to make a rational decision, and the end result was that I decided that it wasn't worth it.

Having the power to decide doesn't mean I will always decide not to drink. It means I have real freewill in the matter, something I didn't really have pre-TSM. Again, thank you, thank you, thank you