Thank you my friend, I'm glad you enjoyed it I was so happy to see them all today, but I think I upset my sister. She complained about the tidiness of the flat, and that even though she does help clean on occasion, it's never immaculate. My response (in a fair way) was that every time the kids come round the flat is completely destroyed as it is right now. She didn't react too well to that, but oh well I'm sure it will sink in. I don't expect her to clear up all the mess they make, but then I don't expect to be criticised for not having an immaculately clean flat the way I am in right now.

Ah, ain't life grand

8

Kids are awsome for depression aren't they? I got a neice and nephew also 4 and 2 and man was in the hermit state boy did they cheer me up..."uncle get out of bed..." then they would jump all over me till I goy up...lol this was 1pm in the afternoon. My sister was way cooler than yours though. She would stop by and clean do the wash...never give me **** about about cleaning. She knew I was way too depressed so she didn't waste her breath and just did it for me.

But looking back on last year the only thing that could cut through my depression in my drunken state was the kids...LOL they couldn't keep me sober but they made me happy

Crown, you are right about how great kids are! May I ask how you finally managed to get through that terrible state?

It's just past 1 pm here and I suppose I've been up for an hour. I was determined not to drink, and first thing I did was to remove the mixed vodka from beside my bed and go get a drink of water.

It didn't last long though. I am about to finish my first drink of the day. Drink just has such an immediate release for my anxiety that |I cannot resist.

Plans for the day:

1) eat more (I had a packet of crisps - potato chips for all you Yanks - yesterday)

2) try to do something other than lie around just drinking and writing on the computer - try to get some washing and postal stuff done, at least.

3) speak to my GP and let him know how bad I have got.

4) email my TSM doc about getting a re-prescription without presently being able to see him, as I have almost run out

Love to all,

eight

8

My background goes like this: My mother was terminially with emphasymia for 2 years before she passed last september 08. When she passed I had a house at the beach. I left a major metropolitian city for the "quiet Life". This was probably the most ignorant thing I did. I cut off my support of all friends and the little family I had back in the city. I figured well I had my fiance she will stand by me. That became a nightmare and just made everything worse. Booze no booze she broke up with me once per week like clock work and basically never moved in nor spent more than 2 days on aaverage at my house. My finances were obliterated with my mother's illness as she had no insurance. I had just enought to litterally pay the mortgages...and electric. Food..ah booze was more important food doesn't let you escape the hell.

I never left the house except at night for "supplies" = ciggaretts and a few half gallons of booze. I drank every day and night. Drink pass out do it again. Time and days became a blur. I didn't care if I died it would been a blessing so I thought. My sister moved to the area in Febuary 09. This helped somewhat because at least now I had someone who gave a **** and would stop by to "check" on me. This Herit state continued till about this past October...1 full year.

At this point I finally say ok I have a problem with booze. I tryed therapy and Lexapro in april 09 and it did nothing. I was dead honest in therapy about my drinking and finanlly my therapyst says to me do you think you have a drinking problem? she also said "you know lexapro will not work with all the booze your dumping down your throart. why take it?" End of therapy.

In october I started lurking around MWO. My last crazy episode went like this...man I havent even told my good friends of this...love this forum and annymonimity and being honest. In Mid November after a millionth break-up I start my binge. This time I say ok asshole NO DRUNK DIALS. If you want to do this do it yourself stop involving others. I take my cell phone and smash it to peices. I begin a week long binge with the intent to let happen what ever happens. I had no intent to come up for air this time. I was going to lay down and die with the bottle. The last night of this binge I got into a fight with my kitchen pantry. I completly destroyed it and my kitchen. I passed out on the floor covered in broken glass food products just a disgusting mess. Funny part, earlier that day my Naltrexone came. In a black-out state I ordered, "The Cure for Alcoholism". I sort of remember trying to burn my Naltrexone package. Like F-it am not going to try anymore.

Long story short my sister showed up at my house after a week of not hearing from me and my calls. She found me passed out in my mess. Man did I feel Like crap having her see me this way. She cried and said enough is enough. She cleaned my kitchen and forced me to clean -up. The next day I began taking Naltrexone and TSM.

This is why I am constantly saying this pill is a miracle. from the first time I took it I had serious results. Everyone said this is the honeymoon. I prayed everynight it lasted. I am no holy roller I beleive in God, just your typical catholic who the only time I set foot in church is taking neice and nephew to Xmas mass. I am hands and knees now every night thanking GOD for TSM.

To now answer "How" I gott out of the state - I am not dumping crazy amounts of booze down my throat so I can see out of the forest again. I had goals and a plan when I started Naltrexone. I was determined I had had enough of hell. TSM gave the "edge" to work my plan. Get up early, clean my house, get organized to return to working at full steam, exercise, live on a schedule, resume therapy, let my co-dependent relationship go, re-find my hobbies which I have a ton of.

I have pretty much lived a successful life up the point my mother became ill. I am not blaming her illness or life but it was the catylast along with a bad relationship that triggered my alcoholism to bizzare heights. So without a crazy amount of booze in me and taking lexapro eating...LOL funny how drunks eat...they don't...exercise etc..the basics..I can draw on my experience of when I was successful by my standards and begin to rebuild. I am nowhere near out of the woods...I feel like I am one binge away from being right back in hell but THANK GOD TSM has obliterated my tolerance.

I have also implemented a little willpower. But I will say this without the edge of TSM I had zero will power. I find the more positive things I do every day the better I am getting and am having less desire for alcohol. It's still there and I'm afraid it will be for a while. But the results I have given me enough of an edge to fight. I have changed the way I drink also which I feel helps big time. I REFUSE to sit in my house alone with no phone doors locked curtain pulled light out and Hank Williams blaring - I had to end this. Part of my romanticsing booze and depression and hoplessness. I now drink at my sister's house. She know about TSM and supports me with it. I drink at friends houses or if they stop by mine. It AGAINST MY RULES TO DRINK ALONE - my fear of going back to hell.

I am going back to the city on the first of the year to resume my old career. I made my contacts etc. I have great friend there that is letting me stay with them because I have rented my home there for 2 years. It's a 2.5 hr dr so no problem for the back and forth driving. I am very excited to re-join the human race again.

So for me the key was getting the crazy amount of alcohol out of my body just enough so I could implement all the basics in my life - sad I think = clean house, organize eat exercise - but that is what I let alcohol do to me.

8 I hope this helps in some way. I am seriously praying for you that the balcoflen works. Becasue man once you get that harmful amount out you can "SEE" again...You said you almost declared your self cured...so YOU KNOW THE FEELING...You are doing something..I hope this is the last BOOZE STORM you have to ride Out.

[hijack]P...p...p... p...... Paragraphs!!!! Thank everything that is holy!!1 I've resorted to highlighting every few sentences of your posts lest I look away for a moment and lose my place!!! I'll go back and actually read what you wrote now...[/hijack]

Thank you so much for that my friend, it speaks to me on so very many levels, and there is so much in there that I want to respond to, but just am not able to right right now, I am sorry.

I suppose the main question is, if this is just a large binge for a final 'extinction burst' or I am truly just tired of life and wish to die now so that pain is over.

I am sure it's the former. I have been fighting so hard and for so long now I will not give up. My time ion this planet is not yet up, I know it. I I will fight and I WILL BEAT THIS. If only I had a friend or two locally, or some family able to help me, I know I would have not reached this stage. I feel so very much for those in the world who have no-one - at least I have my disabled father.

Bless you crown, there is much I want to say to you in response to your post, but please understand that I cannot right now, and know that your message has meant an awful lot to me, and given me so much encouragement

Very best wishes to you my friend,

eight

Lo0p none of that makes any sense whatsoever I can only hope and pray that you've reduced your Baclofen enough to resume TSM and have had one drink or two too many

Your friend,

eight

P.S. sent you email earlier, waiting for a reply to know you got it okay, but then if you're getting wasted...

8

I am pretty sure actually I AM F-ING POSITIVE your are going to beat this somehow...I KNOW IT and the reason why you are here ddoing TSM you are ordering bacloflen you are TRYING...no rah rah BS my friend you are trying. When I was in your state I tried nothing and guess what i got...NOTHING BUT HELL I think the booze it what alinenates us...I had a lot more friends when I started going over the edge...they ddidn't abandon me I did them. I am sure you havesome you might have let fall by the wayside for booze and "not wanting to force your twisted life on them" I know it's how felt so I cut them off.

Your going to make it's a matter of when. As fas as exteinction I am the wrong person to answerr that one. Need a cured or almost cured person there.

Loop my friend - Am I still too long winded LOL I am using paragraphs now...LOL do I need more?

Not at all brother. You're posts are so entertaining it's worth getting through them even without the paragraphs!

I must be drunker than I thought I was...all crown's posts are paragraphed to my eyes. Perhaps it just depends on how your browser renders things?