Not a happy bunny here (although, strangely, I'm not depressed). I fell asleep early last night after drinking all day from early morning, which meant I woke up at 2am. I ended up drinking 6 drinks (12 UK units) before sleeping again.

Waking at 1pm ( ) I at least had some breakfast and a cup of tea, as well as my supplements, and now it's 3:30pm I'm about to have my first drink of the day.

The thought of alcohol repulses me. I don't know if this more the effect of TSM, or that the amount I'm drinking is making me really sick. But you can't taste vodka in a mixed drink, and it calms me, and stops me feeling quite so rotten.

Hopefully I can drink a little bit less today, and then sleep and wake at normal hours. I have to be sober enough tomorrow to be able to drive out to do ALL my Christmas shopping

weekly progress for week 20

22, 17, 25, 24, 36, 24(?), 24 for a total of 172 UK units

Not a good week. My anxiety went through the roof on Sunday dues to outside events, and I have been stuck in 24/7 drinking ever since (sleep, wake, take valium and try not to drink, drink, take valium, sleep, wake, take valium, try not to drink, end up drinking etc etc).

My daily 'allowance' is 8mg of valium, but after months on the stuff and with the tolerance I have now it doesn't even touch the sides, and I so am taking more (around 10mg a day). Drink is the only relief for my GAD (however much TSM may have worked on the opioid side of things - and I do believe it has).

I am due to see my GP in four days, but I will need to see an emergency doctor before that if I cannot contact him, as my valium is running out.

Am in a very vicious circle right now, and not going to delay any longer, I'm going to order some Baclofen right now from the net.

I am nearing rock bottom. I woke up at 10:30, and so very anxious that I felt like I was going to have a heart attack on the spot. I took 2mg of diazepam with my first sip of water of the day, but have had to pour myself a mixed double vodka straight away. I was in such a great state, and the diazepam will take an hour or so to work. Actually 2mg won't work anyway for me as my tolerance is so high. I'd say it would take 6mg to calm me down, but I just don't have that much left.

I am in the most vicious circle of alcohol dependency, initially for anxiety, and now presumably physically. This is despite 20 weeks on TSM that I truly felt was doing some good.

Last night I ordered some Baclofen. I hope the site is reputable, and the real stuff arrives (and soon). They seem businesslike, but who on earth am I to know if it's the real drug I'm getting?

I'm running out of valium, will have none for tomorrow (and that is not even being able to take enough to break this cycle of non-stop drinking) and I'm not due to see my GP until the 30th. I will have to contact the emergency GP services for a prescription, but being housebound have no way to pick it up...

I am so grateful for this website. I have no other place to record my thoughts. I would love to keep a diary but writing is so hard for me right now. Who knows? In the future someone else may hit rock-bottom this far through TSM and benefit from my thread?

My plans for today:

- contact my sister for advice about getting my new prescription for valium, in the hope she will offer to pick it up for me (but I can't demand, can I? She lives 40 minutes away and has two young children to look after, although she has the most wonderful, caring, do-anything-to-help partner).

- order some Baclofen from a site I know is definitely genuine (as a back-up).

- contact my local community mental health support team. They've never been of any use in the past, but I'm an obstinate fellow, I will try again, because I do need support.

- apply for an American Express card for my father, because I have found a site that legitimately prescribes Valium to England via the net, but they only take American Express - argh!! It is just SUCH a worry when I am nearing running out and unable to leave the house to get my prescription (or as right now, even speak to my doctor for a new one).

- write to my TSM doctor about being housebound, and that I will need a telephone consultation, and a prescription faxed locally, asap, as I am running out of Nal.

- try and eat something more than yesterday (just a few crackers and cheeses).

- Try to drink less, but I have no idea how much I had yesterday in the end, so I will change that to 'as little as possible'.

I will not even bother counting units - my weekly total for this week will just be 'deathly quantities'

Hi 8,

I am very sorry to hear that you are "nearing rock bottom". Please feel free to 'phone me between 5:30 pm and 8:30 pm today, if you wish. It would appear that your 'phoning me before proved helpful - so perhaps I can try to help again.

Please, take care, my friend.

V.

8

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

This is so very sad to read as you're a favorite of mine and knowing you better through emails feel free to email or whatever you need. Maybe we can have a skype conversation.

Best to you, Jim

8

Your post hit home hard. TSM is working miracles for me but man I know what it's like to be where you are at...IT IS PAINFUL..HELL...I will keep you in my prayers. But it sounds like you are doing SOMETHING...I know from being where you that Doing something, anything can make a big difference. Thank God you have not given up the will to fight.

Hang in there

Oh 8 if only I could get to you and help you in anyway I could! but I can't so all I can do is say I'm holding you friend. Keeping you in my prayers.


corkit

Thank you SO much guys for your kind support.

I have hit absolute rock-bottom now. I would almost rather be dead than be where I am right now, the only reason I continue to bother to live is that Baclofen gives me hope. I hope it arrives soon.

I got a temporary prescription for 5 x 2mg diazepam today to last until my regular GP opens again on Tuesday. Tomorrow morning, my disabled father is going to have to go out to get it for me. I have been caring for him for the last five years, and yet now I rely on him to get my booze, and my medication, in dangerous wintry conditions. What kind of person does that make me? The most helpless, the most pathetic. The lowest of the low.

Thank you so much also for offers to speak, but I cannot trouble you, any of you. Who wants to listen to a weak individual crying out of self-pity? No-one.

I feel like I can't be helped right now, not that anyone except my disabled Dad can actually do anything (doctors? Pah!!) If only my Baclofen will arrive in just a few days...I may have a chance...

Thank you so much for your kindness my friends,

eight

Hang tough, Friend. Expect a miracle. You deserve it. All the very best.

Thank you Lena, a miracle is my last hope right now.