?????????????

first to everyone that responded a great big THANK-YOU.

Lena you dog hater you...LOL Im just joking.

I really apprciated all of your inputs especially from the woman's point of view. And ya know what you guys are 100 percent right. captain you are also 100 percent right. If I really take an honest look back over the last three years I can honestly say it's not all me. I am the master at beating and blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong between us. As far as meshing social circles it never happened even when we were first dating. from day one she met all my friends and co-worker and I never met any of hers..no booze involved. if i say we have broken up 52 times in a year it would not be a lie. Was it all alcohol related..no and that is the truth. There have been nights I have stared at my shoes said not one word when she was angry about god only knows ( not booze) and then she told me we were done and goodbye. After she left then I drank and drank epic. It's like a never ending cycle till naltrexone. Last year was pure hell on earth. I had suicidal thoughts every single day. Mother just died, my career was in the tank, I had almost no money for food. these chain of events were not caussed by booze at all not a single one of them. My girls method of coping ws goodbye it's just too much to handle. I lived like a hermit in a town that I had just moved to that is a resort town and very desolate in the winter and off season. I had zero friends zero support. I had to turn to my family which was hard as hell to borrow cash...can you say pride factor. I asked my girl for a loan at first no prob then a prob then no prob then a prob...lol you know how it goes. I was willing to put a lein on any of my houses all of them had like 50% equity. I would have got a second and kept everyone out of my business that more my style however with lending dried up and me being self employed and needing a stated income loan forget about it. it was killing me my credit score is in the 700's and bang I cant get a second...LOL and thats what I did/do for a living, lending. There was no way she could lose, it was a guarenteed payback with a house as colateral with a boatload of equity.

Like I said I am the master at blaming and beating myself. Its hard because I know people here don't know me that well but beleive me I am not an asshole that just does whatever he wants without taking my girls feelings into consideration. I do this to the point of not caring for myself. After I read all your respones - and again THANK_YOU so much no one offended me at all - I sent her an e-mail saying as usual I AM 100% wrong. but honestly, it does not feel right in my gut. I honestly don't feel cared for nor loved and feel I have been treated very cold for a long time, to the point sometimes I feel so rotten I deserve this from her because I am a monster. I have never felt or been this way in a relationship EVER. If things aren't working out I am always the first one to walk away and do so like a gentleman. no begging an pleading like a highschool kid.

As far as the dog goes he is laying here at my feet as I type this. MAN AM I HAPPY WITH HIM. He is one year old and been trained to the hilt and very well socialized with people and other dogs. Prior to him to get me out walking and such...LOL yeah right. I wish my girl was on board and understood how much good this dog will do for me. Nick yep he loves frisbee. I know it sounds crazy if your not a dog lover but I now feel like I am going to love someone that will return it and be happy to see me etc for who I am unconditionaly. And no more nights alone.

Anways guys, I really wasnt trying to go off to hard about my relationship. What i was trying to do was give a little back-ground to my biggest drinking trigger. For some reason which I can only atribute to naltrexone I have not been smashed crazy drunk. I feel I am no where neared cured or in control. I got text friday from my girl that she was going out with friends and co-worker to celebrate her 40th with them and more or less I was not wanted. I felt like why even let me know. I didn't solicate this and she knows it kills and always has pre-booze. I am only mentioning this because this would have thrown me over the deep-end with booze. Lock-up the house turn off the lights, pull the curtains turn the phone off, get the Hank Sr blaring or springsteen and just go to town for days till my sister hadn't heard from me for a few days and just showed up because she was worried. Naltrexone has ended this so far for me...I can only get to five or so drinks with a lot of effort or simply give up on three.

Again I want to thank-you all for responding and my intent was nowhere near trying to spark any sort of argument between men and women. As far as my relationship goes, ladies your respones helped more than you will ever know.

Thanks again and happy holidays to all

Give him some scratchies for me

There will be more girlfriends... when is the last time you heard of somebody breaking up with their dog?

<fistbump>

LOL TY I will scratch...LOL good point

Yeah, sounds like you picked the right one.

Corkit, no problem, I believe we all tread that fine line of wanting to be good listeners, at the same time trying not to judge or give our own assessments. I believe I may have stepped over that line with my last post.

That said, I find it invaluable to sort through so many experiences on this board because, as mentioned, I have yet to take the first dose. I believe when I do, I will be steady and ready to do so, solely because of what I have seen in this forum.

Good luck to you as well, my friend.

I have tried to respond here so many times - the site was rejecting me/us! Anyway - Crown, I agree w/ Lena in her earlier response. But sounds like your relationship is not so much about drinking as it is about incompatibility...?? Your girl sounds like an immature, insecure, indecisive GIRL. You are a man who needs a woman. She seems to be hanging on and being dramatic just b/c you let her. You have not met her friends?? Problem. Big red flag. She pitches fits and calls it off over and over and over?? How much of a masochist are you??

I hear your moans about an isolated town, etc, but really...now that you have the dog? Ditch the undeserving girl (ditch the bitch but not the one that counts! LOL). I just came home from dinner w/ a man I absolutely adore even tho he broke my heart...we held hands and lamented...being adored is important. Don't settle for anything less.

Now if this actually goes thru, I will be surprised

Cap - as far as I am concerned you did not over-step anything and I truly appricated your input as I apprciated everyone's input

Houtx - You are so right...The thing that kills me is I keep going back for more...but I see this truly ending this time because with natrexone rendering the bottle as ineffective my depression is not as bad and I am getting the stregnth to move on with my life. I know all the bad chain of events that happened in my life helped to cling and grab hard for something that wasnt there. Then dumping whiskey all over it made it a bizzlion times worse and kept me in a rut of all ruts.

I will be so happy when the holidays are over. I would like to say 2009 was the worst year of my life but I found naltrexone in november so..ok most of 2009 was the worst year ever.

LOL Crown, I'm with you.

My recap of 2009:

1. Jettisoned a profitable business;
2. Lost live-in significant other of 3-plus years, although it was mutual;
3. First year without my dad, who was my BFF;
4. Went on Prozac for first time in years -- adios ejaculation worth having;
5. Found TSM.

#5 makes it a good year overall. I'm no longer pouring booze all over a miserable situation and can see glimmers of hope for a better tomorrow.

Happy Holidays everybody.

Hey Nick are we related or living the same life...LOL

Replace two words in your 5 things and you have me identical replace dad for mom and replace prozac for lexapro

Merry Christmas all