Hi all

I had a pretty bad night last. The fiance came over to make dinner and things just went downhill. We have been together for 3 years and engaged for 2 years. Lately I have been feeling like she is really not committed to us. My dog passed away a little over a month ago. I have missed him a lot. I am a huge animal lover and dogs become like part of the family to me. I live alone so my house has been feeling very empty. As a suprise for xmas my sister got me german shepherd. Well my fiance hates german shepherds. I was so excited. I felt man this really going to push me out of depression. It's going to make my lazy ass get out of bed at a reasonable hour an hit the beach at least twice a day to exercise him. I live literally two blocks from the ocean and have been to the beach mabey 6 times and that includes summer. Pathetic, because I could give Jimmy Buffett a run for his money at being the ultimate beachbum.

Needless to say her not so excited attitude took the wind out of my sails. Other thing that has been bothering me a lot lately is in the 3 years I have met only two of her friends and each time it was a very brief situation. I have never met anyone she works with in 3 years. I am not even a friend on her facebook. She said she is too afraid of my drinking. She has met all my friends and co-workers. It really hit me on her 40th b-day on monday. Her friends call her aunt to find out whats going and to plan something. Like I don't exist or she is very embarresed by me. We almost never even go out. If I suggest she never seems to want to go out with me because I drink too much. She said she was behind me with TSM, being in the pharmacutical industry she understands the science behind it. I her asked to move in with me when I was taking care of my mother 2 years ago when we first got engaged. She said my mother was too abusive so no. Ok. We have since moved to the beach and I have asked to move in with me here. Again no I drink too much. Last night I laid it all out there, hey move in,lets get married etc. This just sparked anger and resment in her and I was told goodbye. She pulled the pots off the stove and left. I am not trying to paint this woman out to be a monster because there is so much good stuff. Why I want to marry her. I know my drinking has played a role in our problems.

Ah so here we are again, pain time. So what does any drunk worth his weight in salt do with pain? Yep get banged-up blacked-out drunk. I blacked out on Saturday with 10 drinks last night I blacked out on 5 drinks. Funny i have never kept track of my drinking ever, but last night I decided hey you wanna get drunk you need an accurate count in the am so I devised a plan. everytime I poured a drink I had a note pad by my whiskey and I made a mark. It totaled 5 drinks in the am and yep I can't remember much. miracle on 5. I guess this is positive from a harm reduction standpoint. The black-out used to take 18-20 something drinks. My tolerance has been obliterated by naltrexone, I am now a cheap date. Tonight as I write this I have had 3 drinks and I have that drunk but clear feeling people have described. Same thing last night after 2 drinks, wasted on 3 drinks and blacked-out on 5.

Last night and Saturday and even tonight I felt as if I was forcing drinks down. Meaning the sadness in my relationship is probably the single biggest drinking trigger there is. She says good bye I get wasted, I drink for days. She comes back, we are good for a week we then get in a fight, she leaves, I get wasted and the cycle continues. But Saturday and last night and even tonight I have felt like I have to be drunk to numb the pain. All of the drinks on all nights past the first drink taste like crap and it's a real effort to get them down. I feel like I am forcing these drinks down my throat almost because I HAVE TO ACHEIVE a black-out to numb the pain. Pre-tsm these nights would have been 20 drink nights that spilled into daytime drinks and one big continuous black-out from Saturday. To me black-outs dont scare me they just come with the territory.

Has anyone experienced this? Forcing drinks down because we always have done this in a certain situation? Like it's a chore and a real effort to get the drinks down?

Other new thing I starting to see I am going to have to re-learn to deal with life again relatively sober. It's almost like learning to walk again. To feel pain and not turn to the bottle, god I have to find a new and healthy way to deal with pain again. This is a good thing. I say turn to the bottle but it is becoming not an option. with naltrexone the bottle is not working. Tonight it is taking way too much effort, more than I have, to get the whiskey down and numb the pain. I have 3 drinks in me I'm done, out of choice, have that "clear" buzz, and the pain is simply not the end of the world.

I don't mean to be negative with the relationship blues. I am actually finding a lot of positiveness in diminished tolerance an forcing the drinks down almost out of spite. I am curious if anyone has experienced this.

Hi crown86, yes I know what you're talking about. It's like your body is repulsed by the AL but it's the brain that keeps you grabbing for the bottle, been there done that and all along I'm asking myself why are you doing this just stop but you don't. I've mentioned before the taste of wine (my choice of drink) even tastes disgusting especially the first few but I keep it up, oh well that won't be forever. Please keep focusing on the future and your cure and rest will fall into place. Someday she'll see a sober man and she won't have to worry about your drinking anymore.

hang in there, we're all pulling for you
corkit

Hey Crown.

Sorting through all of your pain I see some HUGE positives. The fact that you are a "cheap date" is huge -- harm reduction is not a minor thing, it will save your life over the long-term. Your dramatic drop in numbers and your repulsion to alcohol are proof positive that you are unlearning the positive association with alcohol. Soon you will no longer have positive associations and your addiction will be extinguished -- I'm confident of it. Keep a journal of your drinking and show it to your fiance -- show her the tangible evidence that TSM is working for you and show her you are on a path towards being trustworthy once again.

On a personal note, you can't blame her for not trusting you with her friends if you have repeatedly embarrassed her in the past. Just as it took a long time for her to lose trust in you, it will take a long time to re-gain the trust from your impending sobriety. But it will come so long as your drinking continues to go down and your clarity increases. I remember when my ex was afraid of what I'd do when I was drunk but after months of control that became ancient history.

I had a German Shepherd named Sam for 12 years -- the best dog ever. We played frisbee twice a day every day for 12 years and when she died of cancer I was crushed. Teach this dog to retrieve a frisbee or ball and you will have endless entertainment on the beach. Shepherds are the best dogs ever -- talk about loyal. I didn't need a leash and if other dogs or people came by, she would not leave my side no matter what. They shed a lot -- but if you don't have a woman around, no one gives a ****. Also, if she doesn't like dogs, maybe she isn't THE ONE. My ex hated dogs and my consolation after our breakup was always, "What were you doing with someone who hates dogs in the first place? That's not you."

My best to you.

Nick

And now, for the woman's point of view. Crown, I hope you take this in the spirit in which it's offered. If you two are engaged, you presumably are building a life together. As you say, a dog is like part of the family. It should have gone without saying that you discuss this huge commitment with your fiance before accepting the dog. Does your sister know you're engaged? Really, to take on a huge commitment like a dog without even consulting your fiance must have been a crushing blow to her, regardless of how she feels about German Shepherds. It would be different if you already had a dog; then the old adage, "Love me, love my dog" would apply. If your sister had "surprised" you with a baby for you to adopt, would you expect your fiance to be excited about raising it when she hadn't participated in the decision? Perhaps she did not move in with you while you were taking care of your mother (whom you have described in other posts as difficult due to her illness) but she stuck by you through that ordeal. And yes, maybe she is embarrassed to socialize with you. I know all too well the humiliation of a drunk husband making an ass of himself in social situations. It is taking me years to rebuild a social life after all the years of gradually becoming more socially isolated by either being dropped by friends due to him or just avoiding social situations to avoid embarrassment. The difference between you and my ex is that you are trying to do something about it. It sounds like she is willing to hang in there, and the latest dustup will blow over. Maybe you could have a frank talk with her, without blaming or accusing, about why the two of you don't mesh your social lives. And the next time you make a major life decision with someone you have asked to share your life, I hope you consult that person. Now -- while you are building the foundation of your relationship -- is the time for building respect for one another by showing sensitivity to one another's needs and wants. Take care.

Crown -- I hope you don't mind my hijacking this thread just a bit. I feel I need to defend myself since Nick, while we were discussing the board, greeted me as "Dog Hater". So I wanted to share a German Shepherd story.

When I was about eight years old, a rather elderly woman, "Mrs. W", lived up the street. A few months after she was widowed, she got a German Shepherd puppy. My family couldn't have a dog because of my allergies. I spent a ridiculous amount of time at Mrs W's playing with Duchess, and, surely enough, that dog bonded with me. She was the most loyal friend I have ever had to this day. Mrs. W didn't seem to mind, since Duchess required far more energy than Mrs. W had to invest. I knew nothing about training dogs, but Duchess would do whatever I asked of her. One summer morning, when Duchess was about six months old, I lied to my mother that I had cleaned my room and done other housework to prepare for the sleepover I had planned for that night. Instead of cleaning, I ran up the street and got Duchess. We were having a great game of fetch in my back yard when my mother stormed out the back door: "Young lady, you get in here and clean your room NOW!!" I saw the hair rise on the back of Duchess's neck. She bared her teeth and lunged at my mother, who got herself inside the screen door just in time. It was the coolest thing I had seen ever. That was it. Duchess was mine. I launched a campaign that lasted for about three weeks to convince Mrs. W and my mother to allow Duchess to live with me, where she obviously belonged. It was not to be. You're right, Nick: German Shepherds shed all over the place. Deal breaker.

Just a quick couple of comments, and I haven't even begun the journey yet, so I beg your patience and understanding...

The idea of being repulsed by the taste of AL reminds me of a couple of mentions in the book The Easy Way to Stop Drinking, by Allen Carr, whereby he reminded me of the first few times I ever drank alcohol, both at a very young age taking a sip every now and then of my Dad's drink and as a young man of about 15 years of age drinking my first couple of sneaked beers with friends. The taste was disgusting. I can recall at that time that I felt as though if I were to hang with all my buddies, it was going to be a long road getting used to this nasty stuff. I remember being amazed (and envious) of someone that could chug a whole beer without gagging.

Boy, did I do good. I can now drink it all like water. Anyway, I believe that perhaps what one experiences on Nal brings your body and mind back to this point in time. If so, it must be a good thing.

Regarding the relationship, I have a soulmate of a woman that I have been with for 8 years. She is aware of my drinking, accepts it (great enabler, I love it), is a relative light drinker, and when I discuss my desire to solve my drinking problem, she is scared that I'll become a totally non-drinking person. In other words, she likes that I drink a bit. I don't blame her, she likes her man a bit rough around the edges. I hate to say it, but I have been looking not to abstain, but to control.

Without steering the thread in my direction, my only comment regarding your relationship is the question: Does she accept you for who you truly are? I couldn't believe that my woman might do so with me because I drink excessively, but she does. And if I can moderate my situation, it's all good.

Not any any way whatsoever trying to be judgmental or anything of the sort. Just wondering if you have any common threads with me. Otherwise, the best dog I ever had was a German Shepard, Sheba was her name, and my father found her in an industrial part of town wandering the streets. She believe she had been a guard dog due to her well-trained demeanor, and she was beautiful. After she unfortunately beat up a couple of dogs in our neighborhood (we lived in the country and neighbor dogs roamed freely), we donated her to the Air Force to be trained as an attack dog. My father cried like a baby the day we gave her away. I did too.

Good luck to you.

I was going to pass over this thread and I decided to put in my two cents. What does this have to do with dogs? Crown you got a dog without asking your significant other if that was ok with her and you're ticked that she's not happy with it? Her desire is that she wants you sober so she can be proud of you to meet the people important in her life, she wants the tow of you to be a real couple. Cap this is about relationships and that's great you found someone who wants you the way you are but I have to say she's in the minority! AL is hell for anyone who comes in contact with those addicted, period. Sorry, I'm living in a hell that screams AL and I don't find anyone happy here!


corkit

Corkit, point well taken. Nuff said.

As an animal lover, (I have two cats but dream one day of incorporating a German Shepherd), I would love to start a side thread that talks about things other than TSM and alcoholism.

Part of my problem is my obsession. That's different from craving and habit. And my point is that if we talk about our lives outside of alcoholism and etc, it may help relieve the obsession I personally have with the stuff.

I am VERY interested in what people on this board do because we have so much talent and brains in our community. I think it would help our self esteem. Best, Jim

Sorry cap if I sounded like a jerk just a really bad day (oh the holidays!). I'm happy you have someone who's supportive while you're on this journey, as long as you know you need this that's the important thing. I'm sure you read that this is a rollercoaster ride.

good luck

corkit