Goal or what I am hoping to get out of Naltrexone -
I am fully prepared and committed to this method of treatment for 9 months beginning November 21st ,2009. I am going to go wherever this pill takes me. In then end I would like to be what the book describes as free from addiction. By that I mean alcohol does not matter in my life or dominate my thoughts. Prior to finding this method I really wanted to quit. I managed to go 30 days+ alchohol free. My life had become a mess with alcohol and constant depression that the 2-3 day binging brings after the binge. My plan is to have as many AF days as I can have and to take my Nal the days I really want to drink. Somehow knowing I can drink if I want to makes it that much easier to have AF days. I am done beating myself up on obtaining total abstinence at the moment. I had been to AA have family members in AA so this is part of my mental plan to not beat myself over total abstinence. Prior to going overboard with alcohol, I have always had an obsessive addictive personality. If I liked to do something I didn’t do it a little I did it a lot. This was generally healthy by this I mean my hobbies. Since going into the dragon lair of booze it has taken them all away from me. I am going to start to reclaim them little by little on the AF days. I love to ski water or snow surfing fly fishing fly tying 3d modeling wood working my guitar and the list goes on. I live on the water with a tournament ski boat at my dock and I skied 3 times this past season. The ocean is 3 blocks from my house I have surfed zero times – pathetic. Time to make changes. Right before I got here I was working on quitting and put some time together so I’m in a way going back to that except this time I have no fear of alcohol. I don’t have that bastard voice in my mind going “yeah yeah..go ahead don’t drink me but you know I’ll be back and I will be as strong as ever and hell is coming with me”. This time when I get that strong desire to drink, I will drink, only now I will take my naltrexone 1 hour prior. My plan is to fight off as many of the small cravings as I can and drink on the larger ones. If I can maintain what as occurred in the first 10 days of no pass-outs and black-outs and no out of control behavior with those 20+ drink nights I know it can only get better from there. I figure a little willpower can’t hurt. For right now the alcoholic’s elusive dream – control.

Week 2 Sunday to Saturday ending Dec 5th, 2009

Sunday – tax bill increase mortgage missing fiancé bad triggers. Had 11 drinks.

Monday – Wanted to drink epic and just pass out and black-out had 4 drinks 2 whiskey’s 2 beers. Couldn’t keep going didn’t try to stop just zero desire to continue drinking. Very strange. No bad hangover from the night before.

Tuesday – Went to happy hour ran into 3 friends stayed AF had no desire to drink ate some food went home. Wanted to stay for socialization but zero desire to drink. Usually would be worried about driving home and would have stayed till all friends left and been drinking. Noticed food tasted better than ever.

Wednesday – spoke with the fiancé after work had an argument. Usually a huge trigger was pissed wanted to drink. Figured get home pop the Nal and go at it. By the time I got home, 20 minutes later, didn’t feel like drinking. AF. Again food tasted out of the unusually good.

The argument was kind of over my goals with TSM. I am using the US health recommendations for alcohol intake 2 per day 14 a week no more than 4 in a setting for a benchmark. My girl was like so your going to drink 2 whiskey’s a night? I said yes if I want that’s healthy, and the argument escalated from there. Can I blame her ? Not really my drinking and especially when I drink Crown royal – which is straight out of the bottle on the rocks – I become a monster filled with all kinds of crazy behavior. I said to her I am going where the pill takes me period. Supposedly we are done so I have no one to tell me how it’s going to be. I do what I want. I also said to her I am hoping to be in a place in my mind where alcohol doesn’t matter. She said to me (she doesn’t really drink) well I don’t “plan” to have 2 glasses of wine per night. Then it hit me like a bolt of lighting – If alcohol doesn’t matter, if I can take it or leave it, then why I am I arguing that if I want 2 whiskey on the rocks every night it’s ok? LOL I have a ways to go. Right now I am simply grateful for the fact I have not had a 20 drink night and the occasion in the last week was DEFINITLY there and I have not passed-out and blacked-out.

Thursday – AF baby with really no desire to drink..small but I think is because of being new to TSM and have it in my mind the more you drink the more your cured. Sticking with my plan of not drinking during small cravings only the big ones. What I mean is I am far from “white Knuckle” If I really want to drink I do. Hardest part I think I am adjusting to mentally is not being abstinent. What I mean by this is having family members in AA and after being in AA in my youth its kind of engrained in me that abstinence is the only way. Bullshit now it’s 2009 and there is medication. If it works for smoking cessation why not drinking?. I love TSM. I can’t stress how much of a difference knowing I can drink and its ok to drink is making a difference. MAJOR attitude difference than when I quit cold turkey. No more dumping all the booze out of the house. I love knowing there is beer in my refrig and whiskey on my counter but I have no major desire to drink it all in a night. No more fear of the beast. Going to make the beast my bitch. Mabey even one day the whiskey will make it to the liquor cabinet and not the kitchen counter.


Friday – AF yet again..LOL amazing…small desire to drink but not major…felt like having mabey 3 beers and said to hell with it. Fiance came over and we had awesome sex. LOL sex sober is more fun…LOL you can remember it. Got a lot done around the house as far as organization things that have been bugging me for a while. The desire to have a few beer came after sex and it was already midnight so didn’t want to wait till 1am to have a few. Just watched tv and hit the hay. I love knowing I could have drank if I really wanted to. I think the wait 1 hour is also going to help big time in stopping the reckless abandonment of **** it and drinking on the spur of the moment..

Saturday - Helped the fiancé do some things around her house. I felt like drinking so I did. Kind of habit of doing some chores and having beers while doing it. Usually this would have me lubed up and primed up for Saturday night. I had committed to my sister to baby sit for the night. I wish I could say honestly this keeps me sober but it never has. I usually wait till the kids go to bed and bang raid her fully stocked liquor cabinet and pass out when she gets home. While helping the fiancé I had two beers which usually would minimum of a six pack and then while baby sitting from 4pm till 1 am I had six beers and two rum and cokes. The rum and coke was because I felt a desire just to see how the naltrexone was working. Meaning when I drink hard liquor I usually get this “bang” and since the naltrexone I have not felt it. I know from what I have read I am probably still in the honeymoon period but I have also read almost every post on this forum (thanks everyone for posting) and it seems like that Bang doesn’t come back even after the honeymoon. I pray it doesn’t. So 10 drinks from 2pm till 1 am for me a miracle and barley had a buzz. More than I would like but I am still very very happy with this.Yeah and no hangover.

Total for the week 25 drinks and 4 AF days.

Summary – I feel AWSOME mentally and physically and so f***ing positive. I feel WAY more hopeful than when I went cold turkey. I no longer fear alcohol. I don’t know how long it will take nor I am even concerned with the length of time I just know in my heart at some point I will be in full control of the beast. Somehow knowing if I want to drink I can makes it easier not to drink. When I have drank in the last two weeks with some MAJOR trigger I never had 20+ so for that I am on my hands and knees greatful.

Week 3 Sunday to Saturday ending Dec 12th, 2009


Sunday - AF very uneventful day. fiancé came over made dinner . I played guitar hero, read a book and went to bed. No hangover from Saturday. I love not getting out of control on TSM and keeping my drinks to a reasonable level for the time period. If I was trying to moderate this “cold ‘turkey” or I should say moderation without naltrexone there would be no way in hell I could stick to any plan. After the first couple drinks it would be like to hell with it and would easily be 20+ drinks. God I love being able to type without shaking. LOL new to me. Last week I had more drinks than I would have liked to have had but I know it’s early in the treatment and I am A ok with it. I would love to be bouncing under the 10 unit mark for 3 weeks plus. I know I will get there eventually. The best this “moderation” is effortless. Praying for another week like last week. This new found positive ness is also aiding me in quitting smoking cigarettes, I am on day 4 without them and feel I will also win that fight to.

Monday – AF and actually got a lot of work done and some personal things i.e. hobbies going again. No craving whatsoever to drink. I had a very very small craving. I bought some egg nogg, lol getting in the spirit, and for a moment thought about putting some bourbon in it but I was like..hmm the golden rule nal+1hour = drink. Nah don’t feel like waiting so the hell booze just plain old egg nogg. I would like to stress I am using very little will power; some but not that much. Knowing if I want alcohol I can have it is key to me for as nuts as that sounds. Funny I have been taking the anti-depressant Lexapro for the last year and it was doing nothing. Jees wonder why? LOL My therapist was like if you want to continue the amount you drink why take it? I am starting to feel great. I say great but what I mean is normal like my old self. I am no rocket scientist but I know this has 100% to do with not dumping the amount of booze in my system I had been drinking. Funny, I knew it all along. People that are not addicted never understand, they are always like, well if it causes you hell on earth why drink it?. Ah the pure, insanity of addiction. Day 5 on the cigarettes man these are hard to quit. Damn hard. I kind of look at it this way THANK GOD the booze craving are not like these or I would be Nicholas Cage in leaving Las Vegas in a heartbeat. But without the booze depression I have the strength and hope to fight the good fight with cigarettes.

Tuesday - I had 3 drinks. Well, really two but I am counting the one I poured and couldn’t drink which I find AMAZING. While working I was listening to xmas music all day. I was in a great mood except for the nicotine withdraws. LOL. All day I kept thinking about having a few drinks. I REALLY wanted a Canadian Club on the rocks before dinner. I figured I would have max two of them. I took my Naltrexone 1 hr prior then poured my Canadian Club prior to dinner. I was at my computer when I took the first sip. It tasted like crap. The second sip was even worse. I thought man what the hell is going on I love this stuff and had been thinking about drinking it all day long. The 3rd sip almost made hurl all over my computer monitor so I poured the drink down the drain. This is UNHEARD of for me, I never waste whiskey. I have never been nauseous on whiskey since I was in my 20’s. This was my drink of choice. I have to say Naltrexone is not even close to what I have heard about antabuse. I have had hard liquor on it and have never been sick. Funny you have to love addiction – I love the fact I got nauseous on whiskey but I love whiskey, crazy I know. Well I ended up having two beers with dinner. I am extremely pleased with becoming sick on 3 sips of whiskey and actually hope it continues..LOL.

Wednesday – AF Today or at least in the evening was very hard not to drink. I almost felt like I should have for the extinction to work. From not smoking cigarettes I have had some very vivid dreams. I am quitting cigarettes and doing TSM at the same time. Am I a glutton for punishment or what? The night prior I had a dream about my mother and father who have passed away. With it being close to the holidays and all, the sad feeling was really amplified this evening. Sadness is a HUGE trigger to drink like a madman. I wanted to get wasted but I didn’t want to get wasted, if that makes any sense. Prior to taking naltrexone there would have been NO DOUBT I would have been smashed with a 20+ drink night. I can only attribute this to a combination of naltrexone and will power. I got getting smashed out of my mind (man, that whole wait an hour helps), fixed a computer issue, then went and watched television, read a book and went to bed. I was still feeling blue but again I thank God and naltrexone for not having a 20+ drink night because the depression for the next few days would be unbearable.

Thursday - I had a total of 4.5 drinks over 7 hours. I am not unhappy about that at all. Again, this is a damn miracle to me. Hands and knees grateful again. The dream I had about my parents must still be lingering around in the back of my mind and I am most sure the holidays are having an effect on me. Without my mother here it’s so different around holiday time. She died last September so the first holiday season without her was kind of a blur because I was dead smashed drunk the whole month of November and December. Out of nowhere around 4 pm I wanted to have a beer so I took my pill and waited an hour and had a beer. It didn’t match up to what I had imagined that beer would be in my mind. Then around 6pm huge trigger the sadness hit me again and this HUGE trigger has always been ok your sad, then self destruct. LOL I tried. I slowly drank 2 beers and then I drank a whiskey on the rocks, didn’t make me sick this time, but didn’t taste great either. I noticed I didn’t dump it down my throat in record speed. I kind of nursed it. These drinks were over seven hours. I got preoccupied doing some 3d modeling on my computer. This to me again is a miracle. When I get in sad mode it’s a gimme I am going to get blasted. Sad music, old pictures and whiskey. Try as I might IT DOESN’T HAPPEN. I am making no effort to stop it from happening, I am fueling the fire with booze music and old pictures but I lose all interest fast. Like self destruction doesn’t feel right anymore or something. I can’t explain it, it’s weird. I am also quitting smoking and this was day 7, I was starting to rationalize well if your not going to self destruct with booze the least you can do is go buy some smokes and self destruct with those. LOL. Somehow, I managed to fight that rationalization to smoke. Besides, cigarettes alone and no whiskey does not seem as romantic to me in self destruction mode with old country music. Christ, you don’t even get a buzz.

Other thing that has been becoming abundantly clearer to me, being relatively sober, I have to deal with the pain that I have been running away from to never-never land with booze. Meaning the economic down turn, rocky relationship, my mother’s death. Funny as I am writing this I realize it’s really not as bad as I thought it was when drunk. I now find myself wondering why the hell I was so afraid to deal with life. I am beginning to see shards of my old self, meaning my old mind-set of well put one foot in front of the other do the right thing and it will all work out the way it’s suppose to. It’s simply not THAT bad.

Friday – AF It was a good day. Stayed in and watched movies. Didn’t really think about alcohol at all.

Saturday – Shitty shitty day. The fiancé was over we had a minor argument. She left and as usual I turned right to my old friend, the bottle. Of course this made a minor argument a major one. I can’t remember much as I blacked out. Yep you can black-out on naltrexone. As far as my units go from counting the empty can and judging the amount of whiskey gone from my half gallon I would say around 10 drinks which I drank very quickly. I guess the positive would be harm reduction. I would NEVER black-out on 10 drinks never. I am feeling depressed over this and oh yeah the guilt. My fiancés 40th b-day is Monday I had plans to take her out to dinner Sunday. Needless to say that didn’t happen as she really didn’t want to speak to me on Sunday. They should have a breathalyzer for a phone I would buy one in a New York minute. The drunk dials and the things I said were deplorable as usual. Then the guilt. Damn I hate black-outs. Damn I hate being drunk. I hate the depressions that follows the binge. I am going to try to be positive and dust myself off. Ok I made a mistake. I guess knowing only 10 drinks on naltrexone wrecks me is a good thing if there is any good in being drunk. It usually would take over 20 drinks to hit the black-out. Keeping this journal is also helping. I had to read the stuff above to know I have gotten benefits off of naltrexone. Ok a set back or maybe honey moon over. I am still committed to the treatment. From what I have read from others this happens so I am definitely not giving up.

Total for the week 17.5 drinks

Summary – It’s hard to be positive because of my black-out on Saturday and my drunk dials. I guess I can say well the over all drink numbers are WAY down from when I started taking naltrexone. 17.5 drinks really doesn’t look bad based on the amount I used to drink. But what I don’t like was having 10 quickly and getting wrecked out of my mind. I was not even planning to drink on Saturday but that’s how it happens.LOL. Pre-TSM I would have had around 60 to 80 drinks in a week so 17.5 for the week is harm reduction. It’s not where I want to be but it’s better than where I was.

Wow! I can't remember anybody having this dramatic of a honeymoon. I'm hoping that there's something else going on here. Right on Crown! -E

Thanks loop

I hope your right time will tell. Saturday scared me being out of control drunk again, but it was only on 10 drinks which is amazing.

Ok guys and gals I havent posted my daily progress in two weeks. I have been keeping a journal with day by day results but got kinda sloppy and lazy with the holidays and the break up of my engagement for the millionth time. The actual units were probably around 4-5 drinks per day since my last post. Which for me are nothing short of miraculous. My fiance dumped me on December 16th over me getting a dog, well the one kind of dog she supposedly hates a german shepherd. She told me they hate kids pregnant women are highly agressive and not good family pets. As a suprise for xmas my sister got me a shepherd named "roscoe" 1yr old. He is has all the basic training down house broke sit stay etc and loves frisbee. He LOVES my neice and nephew...my nephew pulls his tail and rides him and Roscoe loves it. My fiance did not live with me and would not move in with me way prior to the dog even prior to booze being a real problem...I don't think she felt for me the way I felt for her when it came down to it.

With a break-up and the holidays man o man would I be drunk. This is the first time in 42 years I did not decorate my house. LOL usually I am a christmas nut two trees decoration blah blah blah. Our family celebrates Xmas eve..It has always been held at my house during my adult life. Well there is a first for everything. Was held at my sisters this year because of my break-up I just couldnt do it - say depression. LOL. My mother passed away last year was missing the hell out of her this holiday, missing all the big family christmas's of the past plus a break-up with a girl I wanted to marry - The Perfect Storm for booze.

Pre-TSM these two weeks would have been a goddamn disaster and one big blur. I would have drank every day and night 20+ drinks stayed drunk all the time day and night - drink pass out wake up drink pass out losing all track of time and days. This would have been a big binge that lasted a couple or few weeks and would have been chaulk full of bizzare incedences due to my drunkeness. The depression from the events coupled from the drinking would have had me back to suicidal thoughts and why the hell am I even here. The guilt at the end would have been insane and LOL what does any great alcoholic do with guilt...LOL DRINK THE GODDAMN GUILT AWAY and the cycle continues. Yes this was the perfect storm to possibly send me on a 3 week bender or so. Being the good alcoholic I am I cope with booze and we all know how well that works in the long run.

I am on my hands and knees LITERALLY thanking God everynight I found the sinclair method. I have not managed to get passed more than 5 drinks in an evening and I did not drink during the day at all. I did drink everyday for the last two weeks but like I said due to my event /drinking triggers I AM SO F-ING HAPPY with 1. only drinking at night and 2. not being able to get passed 5 drinks in a setting.

TSM -Christmas Present:
Last night xmas night I was at my sister's house and she had a couple mutual friends over. I had 2 mixed drinks and 3 beers. One of her friends said lets have a real martini and not that crantini foo foo stuff your making. LOL I was ALWAYS the first to pass on anything foo foo. So I was like HELL YEAH Time for a real deal martini gin and vermouth and olives. Mind you I had five drinks in me already in a 4 hour period was in a great mood bsing with people and I LOVE to drink and get drunk - I made the martinis for me and the other guy complaining about me making foo foo...LOL..Call me out? Gotta love the macho bravodo bullshit of a male alcoholic...OK I sat them down and he sipped his I went to sip mine caught a wiff of the gin and out the goddamn door I ran hurling all over the yard. Never even got it to my lips. My buddy followed me out laughing at me and I am outside puking and I mean yaking hard ( sorry to be gross) I am telling him how awsome this is. I told him I am loving this nausea. We go back in and I dump my martini in the sink got a coke and drink those the rest of the night. I was usually the guy who threw up on like mabey 18+ if I ever did throw up which was rare, but even after I got sick I was always like ok good the stomach is clear keep drinking. Nausea would never stop me. Same thing tonight, Saturday night, but didn't get sick I had 5 drinks from 6pm to 11pm and was starting to get sick. I knew if I had another mixed drink I would be sick again. I switched to beer but found myself clutching to the can and not drinking it just to be social with company.

I used to drink my whiskey, scotch, vodka,gin Straight. On the rocks and LOVED the taste of each and everyone of them like grandma's homemade cookies. I loved to get drunk and loved the taste. I had a thing if your gonna get good booze like Crown Royal, Grey Goose Etc DON"T KILL IT with coke or cranberry..get cheap booze for that. those spirits are meant to be poured over ice and enjoyed straight with no mixer, mabey a splash of water. I went through a phase of Gin and jus a splash of water...LOL my friends thought I was nuts and so did alot of bartenders. Gin is some rocket fuel.

I have gone to bed every night realatively sober..well sober enough for me that Naltrexone is a miracle. I was feeling sick from 4 drinks on xmas eve an quit but man did I want to keep going. But I just couldn't..can't explain it. Yep these night I have had five I have had a buzz, but again it's that "clear" buzz people talk about. I did nothing out of control have nothing to regret and can remember absolutely everything in the last two weeks which based on the holidays and a break-up...I still can't beleive I got through this Holiday not being plastered for 2 weeks.

I still have pain from the break-up like any normal person would, stress with the economy etc...BUT the big difference is booze is no longer destroying me with depression and keeping me in a dark hole of pure hell which makes matter a bizallion times worse. Things are not great right now but they are not hell on earth either. I can clearly see I have options and things to be thankful for etc. In short I'm in a half way decent position to getting my life back and am motivated to do so regardless of the pain I feel from a break-up. This break-up and the holidays would have derailed till easily Febuary before I got off the bottle enough to half way feel a twinge of motivation but then I would drink all over again and continue the cycle.

I know it in my bones in the end TSM will save my life from an alcoholic death and all the hell that comes before it.

crown86 we're all moving in the right direction with tsm and I'm so glad that you have hope again in where you're going, Good luck.

Happy New Year to all of us!

corkit

Wow, crown. I think we have a lot in common... I did 10 straight years of AA in my youth, age 16-26, now 38. What they always said about a "head full of AA and a belly full of booze", yeah it sucks. Since I'd only drank, for sure on less than 100 individual occasions when I landed in AA the first time (why I stayed so long is a long story, and for some reason I think this board is the first place I'll be able to tell it and have a chance of being understood from experience), I'm pretty sure the 10 years of sitting in meetings conditioned me... I kind of *had* to come out and develop a drinking problem, because every time I drank, in the back of my mind was this voice saying "you're developing a drinking problem"...

Anyway I really get your perspective on all this, keep it coming,

<fistbump>

-nn

Ned

We are AA brothers who didn't need to be there then. Sounds like the only difference is age I am 42. We could be on that VH1 "where are they now"...LOL The hardest part for me and TSM was getting over the mental conditioning of abstienece as "the only" way. I am pretty much ok with it now but it still comes up but I have been mentally working to squander those feelings. The more I drink and "control" it, and as my tolerance is obliterated to almost nothing, and no more hard booze straight as I get sick, all of this reienforcing AA is not the only way.

I knew if I tried AA again it wouldn't work and I would just relaspe time after time. I could NOT see myself as abstienent. AA philosophy 1. I didn't want it bad enough. 2. It only works if you work it.

1. I was at the end of my rope I did want it just not their way - thank god for TSM - sorry but I suffered enough to TRY something.

2. Hell will power works if you work it hard enough ANYTHING DOES under that premise.

Thank-god science has finally made an attempt to squash alcoholism. I will say for me it is working and working WAY better than expected.

Ned - do you still have those guilty astienence is the only feelings?

Crown --

I'm totally psyched TSM is working for you. Your story is fairly uncommon -- getting sick so quickly and having your tolerance reduced so fast on TSM. I'm now seven months in and can still toss down 15 drinks in a night and not puke, although these days I rarely want to drink that much. A few months ago I wanted to get plowed nightly.