Holy sh*t eight. I don't have GAD but I can totally relate. What you are going through right now is pure hell. Can't go to the corner store to buy a pack of smokes because you're afraid of what the white trash clerk will think when he sees you, or if you'll even have the physical capability to hand him the money without dropping it on the floor. This needs to stop!

I'm gonna throw this out there and it's just my opinion and I offer it with all the normal disclaimers (not a doctor...all that crap) and I expect no comments from anyone about it. We're all grown-ups here:

#1: Back off the booze!! You know it's the only way, and you know that it will help!

#2: Order the baclofen now. Don't wait until it gets there, use some willpower and take it easy on the alcohol.

It'll only take a couple of days of reduced consumption for you to feel better. You know this. Do it. I wish I could be there with you right now, and if I didn't have to go to work this morning and all this weekend I swear I'd hop on a plane. Stay close eight.

Oh 8,

I don't know what to say, and I wish I could do something to help. All I can offer right now is my support, and I'm sending you hugs through cyberspace...

Thank you so much for your good wishes my friends.

I spent the morning getting drunk, the afternoon a little more so, and then slept throughout the rest of the day (without meaning to) and therefore missed ordering my intended takeaway (which was to have been my only meal of the day )

Upon rising around midnight I tried to carry on drinking, but it made me very very sick. I spoke to my GP today, told him I had relapsed, and he's prescribed me more Valium which I hope there is some way for me to collect tomorrow. In the meantime I am drinking ribena by the bucketload for much-needed calories, and taking as many Valium as I feel I need to get me through (so far 6mg in the last two hours), and without any alcohol. Enough is enough.

My GP was useless, as always. Apart from issuing my prescription he asked 'what else can I do for you'? Nothing much I guess, but you're the professional here. His only other question was 'would you like to come down and see a doctor?' to which I answered 'well if you say you can't help me other than issuing the prescription, what's the point?' His answer? - 'you're right'.

The highlight of the day was talking to a certain chap from this forum, who is every inch the gentleman, and full of integrity, that you might expect from reading his posts. Thank you most humbly for your support Virgil.

I think Nal may have worked on some level for me. I even wrote a few weeks ago that I thought I was 'cured' even though I was still drinking. Alcohol repulses me now, and I so much hope and pray that this last, horrendous, week has been the beast just trying to get me in its death grip as its last dying act. Time will tell.

I had the most amazing gift drop out of thin air today - a ticket to see my favourite band in the world, Coldplay, next Saturday at a stripped-down (acoustic) show. There are only 500 attending, in Exeter Castle, which will be festooned in Christmas garb, and include Christmas Carols and the castle done up as a Winter Wonderland. About a third of the attendees will be friends and family of the band and the other acts appearing in support of charity, as this is Chris Martin's homecoming gig. It truely will be something incredibly special, and I MUST be fit and well enough to make it.

So, the recovery starts here. Valium and ribena, certainly better for you than neat vodka, or the bloody marys that made so very sick tonight.

I am sorry for prattling on - I have nothing else to do until sleep beckons, which may be a considerable while as I have dozed alcoholically for much of the day today.

Friends, again, thank you so much for your support. When I am in a better state myself I absolutely intend to start supporting others as much as you have supported me.

Hi 8,

I'm flattered. More importantly, I am pleased that I was able to help in some small way. I know what it's like when anxiety spirals out of control. I've been there myself many times and just being able to talk with someone can help a great deal. I often remind myself of Stephen Hawking's words on Pink Floyd's The Division Bell when the great scientist says "All we have to do is keep talking" (or words to that effect).

Take good care of yourself and never hesitate to contact me!

V.

Hang in there 8. I'm wishing you the best. You've got to get yourself together for that concert! You can do it!

My best,

Nick

weekly update for week 19

I accidentally deleted the daily units before copying them to here, but from memory they were almost exactly:

30 (estimate), 24, 20, 14, 14, 15, 17 for a total of 134 UK units.

I am in a far better place than I was earlier in the week, or for the last week or two. Then, increased drinking (an extinction burst?) coupled with decreasing appetite and eating less put me in a terrible condition. At then end of last week I told my GP that I'd had a relapse and he prescribed a little extra valium to help me get my feet back on the ground. He doesn't know about TSM, so for him that means abstinence, but for me means drinking at levels where I can at least function, and am doing myself not too much harm in the short-term.

To get myself off the 24/7, completely non-functioning 'merry'-go-round took a couple of physically very uncomfortable days (the shakes etc etc), with just an extra tablet or two of valium to ease things slightly, but not much. I put my poor condition down to lack of nutrition and dehydration more than physical withdrawal from alcohol.

The final day of the week - 17 units - saw me get very upset and anxious over something, and once I get in to that level of anxiety valium doesn't work (certainly not at the levels I take it at) but drink does.

That extra drinking over a shorter time-frame led to a very shaky hangover yesterday, so I had my first hair of the dog at lunchtime.

Good and bad news! I can hardly stomach my love of old, lager, any more most of the time.* I often can't finish the can if it's become a little warm because it just tastes so bad. Once or twice I've taken a mouthful but haven't been able to swallow it - it's come exploding out of my mouth, nose and (so it felt like!) ears. This is remarkable proof to me that extinction of some level has occurred. Likewise I cannot have a shot anymore - I feel instantly sick! However what has the clever alcoholic in me done? Discovered spirits A double vodka (50ml - 2 UK units) mixed with a soft drink tastes like, well a soft drink, but also gives me that anti-anxiety effect. It's interesting that the lowest consumption days this week have been when I forced myself from the pleasant-tasting mixed vodka to lager. Mixed drinks are rather dangerous - with an early start like yesterday it is effortlessly easy to drink 10+ of these little beauties in a day, which means 20+ UK units.

So, an interesting week lies ahead. I would very much like to get down to 12 UK units a day (6 light beers or mixed drinks) which is the average I have drunk for years on a 'normal' night. My tolerance is way beyond that though now, so the extra willpower that I have so far failed to find will have to rear its lesser-spotted head I feel.

Nick thank you very much for the encouragement about the concert. It would have meant a long drive which is tricky when my GAD really kicks in, and coupled with how sick I felt earlier in the week I just could not guarantee I would make it. These tickets are going for £500 on the internet, but I made the decision on Tuesday not to go, in order to make sure a fellow, true fan would have time to arrange to go. I was bitterly disappointed, but have definitely made the right decision. We've had a ton of snow which has caused absolutely chaos on the roads, and even though I feel better I would not fancy making that journey in these icy conditions, whatever the event.

V You are quite right, talking helps tremendously. I should have called someone when my anxiety was so bad on Thursday night. I just needed someone to listen to me, but don't really have anyone in my life to do so. I certainly wouldn't trouble you to hear my woes for an hour or so. I'm going to start phoning helplines I think.

So endeth the 'book of eight' for week 19

I am sorry I haven't been able to follow the board much these last few weeks, but hopefully am back now.

Best wishes to you all









* Please note this is quite different from a 'love of old lager'

Hi 8,

I would have tried to help if you'd 'phoned on Thursday night. Having said that, I was in a bad way myself on Wednesday evening and would you believe my dreadful state of mind was prompted by an issue with my therapist!? I was rock bottom but I appear to have survived it. Unfortunately, I won't see him now until 6 January but I'll have a lot to say when we meet again.

Regarding 'phoning helplines, there's always the Samaritans - I've always found them very helpful.

V.

Thank you V, but sorry to hear that you had such a bad night after seeing your therapist, I hope (and am sure) that all will be resolved at your meeting in January.

I was going to say that I always thought the Samaritans were for people in more desperate straits, whereas I need someone just to listen to my not-so-serious thoughts. I have no-one to talk to, at all. But on reconsideration, if they are prepared to help someone from getting to those more serious feelings, they are well worth a shot when I get into such a state. So, thank you!

Hi 8,

I take your point about the Samaritans. I am going to PM you some additional information.

V.

Thanks V!

I'll never forget when I phoned the AA 'helpline' last year, at very rock bottom, and the droll chap at the end of the line told me in a robotic mantra 'it's easy - just don't have that next drink and get to a meeting'

I know there are helplines out there, I can google them I'm sure.

I also should record here, just in the hope it'll help others in the future, as I don't daily spam my thread daily anymore, that I've been awake and drinking mixed spirits since 7am today. Another 'extinction burst' ? - my goodness I hope so! I need to be fit to leave the house tomorrow to actually do some Christmas shopping!!

Since discovering spirits, I've found they wipe out the extreme anxiety my GAD leads me to in a way my prescribed Valium doesn't. Dangerous. If it weren't for my GAD I am sure my consumption would be way down. as Nal has absolutely changed my attitude to alcohol. But, I still feel the need to drink the damn stuff to relax.

I've had about 12 drinks (2 UK units each) since that time, almost 12 hours ago. That's already 24 units, so today's gonna be a biggie I don't feel that drunk, and only a little tipsy for the last drink or so - worrying.

8