Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement guys Nmarie I do so hope, and think, you are right about extinguishing the appeal of different drinks. Unfortunately since I started on the gin and tonics - which I like far too much - my numbers have been increasing again...

weekly progress report for week 17

17.5, 21.6, 20, 14, 21.2, 21.6, 23 for a total of 138.9 UK units

That's roughly equivalent to two bottles of wine a day, and my second highest consumption since I started in August

I feel in quite a difficult place right now. I'm enjoying gin far far too much for its relaxing qualities, and can drink it (mixed) far quicker than lager, which I no longer really like. Just drinking gin is rather dangerous in terms of units, so after a few I switch to lager, and seem to be ending up drinking just as many of those as I would do anyway

I wrote before that I felt strongly physically dependent on alcohol again, and that feeling has intensified this week. I've been starting earlier and earlier - yesterday my first drink was at lunchtime, I guess the same will be true today. To be quite honest, if I had some gin in the house I would most probably start even before then, but I only have lager. I need to wait a few hours to be safe to drive before I can go to the shops, and also need to do a few errands.

Basically, I'm right in the grip of the deadly beast right now, and desperately need to cut back a bit.

Interestingly, as my drinking has increased I've become less rigorous with my supplements, and have only been taking them once a day instead of twice...I wonder if that could have contributed so greatly to my more negative outlook??? I must redouble my efforts there and see what happens...

I hope no-one is discouraged by my post - just another honest weekly update on the rollercoaster that is TSM.

My best to all

8

Hi 8,

A classic vicious circle by the looks of it? One feeds into the other and vice-versa. I do hope you are able to break the cycle by whatever means.

Persevere and stay strong!

V.

Hey 8,

Don't worry about those high numbers jumping out of nowhere - it's just the beast messing with you, and probably trying to take advantage of your newfound interest in G&Ts! Funny that I was just drinking gin last night for the first time in ages. I think the supplements can make a difference. Maybe it's just me or a placebo effect, but sticking to my supplement routine gives me more determination to follow through on other things as well. Congratualtions on the writing - what an achievement! Just focus on that whenever you feel down. You should be very proud!

Thank you so much for the encouragement and kind thoughts. About the writing - it was nothing really, a very humble little piece, and something that I could have (and should have) written in my sleep many long moons ago. It may lead on to other things though, and I am proud to have finally achieved even the tiniest fraction of what I am capable of - better late than never and all that

Krazy I do hope you are right about the beast. I felt such a seismic shift in my feelings towards drink a few weeks ago, that I was certain I was on my way to being cured, so I pray that what I've gone through since is simply the beast in its dying throes.

V, you are absolutely right, it's been the classic vicious circle. If only I could get out of it, I'm certain that I could have much more control over my drinking than I have ever had - thanks to TSM. Sadly, I've been moving the wrong way in the last few weeks, and especially the last few days.

I wanted to write this now as I am relatively sober (I've had less than a pint of beer so far) but the last few days have been horrendous.

Once my cardiologist discovered that I need medication for my heart, my beta-blocker was changed from one that has anti-anxiety properties (which helped tremendously) to one that targets my minor heart condition only. At the same time, I am trying to stick to a limit of 8mg of Valium a day (I had been taking up to 12mg quite regularly), but that amount does little for my anxiety.

The last few days have been a cycle of just drinking, sleeping, drinking, bit of food, sleeping. Back to the very worst of the old days. I feel absolutely awful until I've had around 6 UK units of alcohol (basically two pints of premium lager, or two large glasses of wine) and have been drinking that within hours of waking. I am right back in the thick of 24/7 physical dependency, and I am absolutely devastated

A trip to the shops, which was hard a few days ago due to anxiety, right now is impossible.

I am trying to break the circle today. To drink enough to quell my tremendous anxiety, but not so much that I fall asleep at a funny time and end up awake (and drinking) through the night, like last night.

I think if I can keep my intake over the whole day to 20 UK units (about two bottles of wine), eat, and sleep properly tonight, then tomorrow may be a new start. I do so much hope so.

I write this also in the hope that I (and others) can look back for encouragement in the future when (?) I am cured, and no longer this pitiable, sick, and powerless individual that I now see if I dare to gaze in the mirror. I was caught like this for five months before and almost killed myself, I must not be this time - I have to try to break the cycle as soon as I can.

Right, off to write the Christmas cards (or print them if the hand isn't too steady )

8

Hey Eight,

You follow that advice of yours,...eat a good meal and try and get some sleep. Those two things are key...otherwise our blood sugar is all whacked and things go

I've been reading your posts a lot and appreciate them,..thanks for the email, Best, Jim

Thanks so much Jim, and you are quite right. It's just so hard to get back on an even keel when things have gone so topsy-turvy. But I have to do it, then at least TSM might work.

Good to see you posting again buddy, hope things are well with you

Oh, 8!

How I feel for you! Alcohol's a problem in its own right but you're like me with the anxiety. And there are no simple solutions where an anxiety disorder like GAD is concerned. It just eats at its victim. Perhaps you and I ought to discuss ways and means for taming the beast. I'm more than happy to tell you about methods I've tried. Who knows what we might unearth by setting up a regular dialogue via PM? It's wrong to suffer on one's own. Let's get the ball rolling, if you're in agreement. If not, that's fine. I know how debilitating anxiety can be. Please don't ever think you're on your own - if I can help, even in a small way, never hesitate to contact me.

Your friend,

V.

Oh V, thank you so much. I just sent you email, I hope you receive it OK.

I would so much love some help, but I couldn't ask to trouble you (or anyone else) in the state I've been in for the last few days. I'm going to see my GP tomorrow (although he's useless and doesn't know about TSM or that I'm still drinking) because I am in a constant state of gasping for breath and feeling like I'm having to concentrate to keep my heart beating...I don't know if I 'only' suffered 'mild' GAD before but things right now are at a whole different level. I think it's most probably the sticky situation I've got myself back into drinking 24/7.

I think I must try to break out of this vicious circle in the next couple of days. I cannot address any other issues while I still have drink in my system.

weekly update for week 18

23.2, 24.2, 24, 16.5, 20.8, 24, 30 UK units for a staggering total of 162.7

Not a good week (as outlined above). I haven't yet been able to break the cycle of 24/7 drinking, and with my GAD I am right now a completely non-functioning individual, beyond being able to fix a meal once a day.

I won't be able to see my GP today as I doubt I'll be able to leave the house. At best I will be able to speak to him on the phone. I have a heavy suspicion that Friday is his day off. My intention is to tell him that I've had a relapse (he knows of my alcoholic past, but believes that since April I have been abstinent, with the odd relapse). Hopefully he would prescribe enough Valium short-term for me to greatly reduce the booze. The problem is that Valium seems to do nothing for me anymore - I believe I am utterly physically dependent on booze again (which he wouldn't understand with my story of just a short relapse).

I have been awake for just a few minutes, but am already craving a drink, better take my Nal. One stronger than I would ride out the cravings, but I just cannot find that inner strength. I suppose with regards to alcohol I am a very weak individual indeed.

Oh well, better laugh or I'd cry (and been doing far too much the last few days)

<edit> P.S. Am strongly inclined to order some Baclofen from River today just in case.

Hi 8,

I'm trying to understand why you're going through this tough period. Back in late September, things were tough for you and then things seemed to get much better - you were upbeat and positive. Now, things are obviously tough for you again. Do you have any idea what is causing this? For myself, I have noticed that mood changes can affect my anxiety levels. And I'd even wondered if some of my recent high anxiety is mood-related. Then that got me thinking about seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I'm like yourself in that I don't get out of the house much - so I don't get much exposure to sunlight (not that there's much of that around at this time of the year in the UK). Just thinking 'aloud'.

As a fellow sufferer with both GAD and OCD, I'm just trying to help.

Take care!

V.