8

What games do you play 8?

Hmm, yesterday's drinking shows again how meaningless numbers can be at times. 17 UK units (eight light drinks) is average for me recently I guess, but that included three drinks during the day as I was out and about in London with a friend. If I hadn't been, it would have just been the 5 evening drinks for a total of 9 UK units, which I would be very pleased with...

Btw, found myself a few feet from Paul Mccartney's daughter last night...almost certainly the closest I'll ever get to a Beatle



Recently I've beaten Batman: Arkham Asylum (superb), Ratchet and Clank: A Crack in Time (crazy fun as per usual), and currently playing Uncharted 2: Among Thieves and Call of Duty:Modern Warfare 2 online.

The latter will be much easier once I unlock the thermal scope for my trusty assault rifle...yes it seems I am the video game geek of the forum

Do you play yourself Lo0p?

I used to be an Unreal series (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unreal_Tournament) freak a few years ago. Although I'm a little embarrassed about it now I actually won some money playing it. Upon the release of UT2004 I played in a match which was the first match of UT2004 to be webcast and there were tens of thousands of viewers who watched it.

I still haunt the old UT servers every now and again, although I swear the naltrexone has extinguished my video game playing.

I'm far from being a pro, I play just for fun - in fact I'm often rubbish online after a few drinks

weekly progress report for week 16

9.5, 18.4, 14, 17, 15.8, 15, 20 UK units for a total of 109.7

Not too bad a total for me, especially considering I've started drinking earlier in the day quite a few days this week. There was also one day I fell asleep too early and woke up at 2am in a very very anxious state - drinking through till about half six.

There seems to have been a large shift in my feelings for alcohol, almost quite dramatic. I look at the stuff completely neutrally now - I have no love for the stuff right now, it's magical attraction has gone. I was so surprised by this I almost posted a thread 'Is it possible to be cured of alcoholism but still drink at high levels?' but held off - it's still very early days and I am still drinking as ever before.

I now much prefer non-alcoholic drinks. I relish a cup of tea, or even a glass of water. I've had very strong urges for AF days, I hope I'll find the willpower to achieve one soon. So why am I drinking? Well, as I started TSM returning to drinking after a period of abstinence, I've now found that my tolerance to alcohol has returned to former levels, and I can drink more - indeed have to to get any effect - and I am consciously still trying to get that buzz. Over the last month or so I've also observed that my body is alcohol-dependent once again, very much so, and having been caught in the vicious circle of drinking increased quantities I think I need to try to gently reduce. Unfortunately at these levels of drinking (up to ten drinks a night) this is easier said than done, as around five drinks is when common-sense and best intentions decide they don't need my company anymore

Anxiety (GAD) also plays a big part. Obviously with the amount I drink it only raises anxiety, so there is also the vicious circle of self-medication. On most days I am able to take slightly less diazepam than before, and certainly not increasing my dose, so that is quite positive. Until the last few weeks I was taking 10mg or more a day, but most days now I am managing on 7-8mg. I think the supplements are helping, and the beta-blocker to slow my over-fast heart most definitely is. I have to switch beta-blockers soon to also combat an irregular heartbeat, it'll be interesting to see how that affects things.

So, some more glimmers, but absolutely nothing I'm taking for granted as yet. Just persevering with Nal and seeing where this journey takes me.

Quite enough from me! Best wishes to all

8

I'm going to re-work my signature to make it less intrusive. I may round units up or down for simplicity (fractions of an extra drink here or there surely won't matter in the grand scheme of things). Just in case I make a mistake and need to check back, here it is as of today:

UK units consumed weekly:

86.5 (including short 'honeymoon')
100.5
118
73 (sick)
128 (estimate)
120 (")
122 (")
76 (sick)
132
143.5
111.3
101.6
124.8
112.5
123.8
109.7
wk 17 (in progress) 17.5

Hi 8,

Wow! I'd say that's an indicator of progress!

My best.

V.

Thanks V, but it's also rather confusing...I have gone off beer almost totally, can barely stand the stuff, except for situations where it still lubricates events, and I'm distracted from the taste and effects I no longer enjoy, (basically nights out with friends).

I still drink for the anti-anxiety effect. If I wasn't constantly so anxious, my units would be plummeting right now I am sure

Wine also I can barely drink now. Unfortunately I recently rediscovered the joy of a gin and tonic with lemon. I like the taste - like a sour and not sugary soft drink - and it also relieves anxiety. I can drink them like water when thirsty - dangerous. It'll be interesting if TSM can extinguish the attraction of this particular tipple, too. In the meantime I try not to have too many before I switch to my former-love, lager, which I can't stomach much of anymore.

Saw my GP today about my diazepam use and the change of beta-blockers (from tomorrow) and I posted snippets of the consultation in the benzo thread, but I guess they also belong here. Regarding benzo use:


Doctor: How are you doing with the diazepam?

8: I'm pretty happy I've managed to get down to 4 tablets daily from where I was a few weeks ago, but I'm going to try really hard to reduce it further. I want to get off these things.

Doc: Yes, four tablets a day is a problem, we really need to get you down to just three a day.*

8: (thinking 'yes because one 2mg tablet a day less makes all the difference between someone who's misusing benzos and someone who's using them responsibly - what a joke') Um, OK doctor.


* 'Up to three tablets per day as required' is the standard prescription in the English medical system for short-term use of diazepam for anxiety - I have been using it long-term, and three tablets (6mg) no longer does anything much for me due to tolerance.


And regarding alcohol (he thinks I'm abstinent, haha, but I think this little exchange shows why I don't even bother to tell him about TSM):


Doc: You are doing so well.

8: I am?

Doc: Yes! You used to be an alcoholic, but now you aren't an alcoholic.


I was SOOOO sorely tempted to ask 'if I'm not an alcoholic anymore, does that mean I can have the odd drink?' just to see what he'd come up with, but by this point I was absolutely speechless with disbelief.

Gotta laugh I suppose, cos otherwise there'd be tears

On a happy and proud note, I had my first review published today (it's been my dream to be a writer since I was a boy). A very very small first step, but from tiny acorns and all that

eight days, I'm so glad that booze is losing its appeal for you. I'm sure you're well on your way to low numbers. You're also giving me a lot of hope, because my BF is only a few weeks behind you (although he started at very low nal doses, so who knows where he's *really* at).

It's weird how many people here are switching drinks as they lose the taste for beer, wine, whatever. Better to have all your bases covered and extinguish everything I suppose! I'll bet gin and tonic will start tasting too strong for you before long. Keep up your hard work!

8 all the best to you on your writing and please down the road when you get famous please don't forget about us, we're you're biggest fans!

Life is looking up

corkit