Hey Jim, this is really great progress. TSM is not a miracle cure in that it doesn't happen over night. However, it does improve lives dramatically for the vast majority who try it. Hang in there and I think it will work for you. And I wish you the best with working things out with your wife.

My best,

Nick

Hi guys,

Let me begin by saying, I think my wife is psychotic at times. She thinks I am too. We're both probably right.

Still possibly screwed things up, but then we go out, have dinner work out together and she's acting normally.

My drinking...

I feel as though i have stalled in this state of 8-10 drinks a night, which, I will say, that pre TSM, I always felt the sky was the limit (more than that). I think its been naturally feeling more like normal through the evening. At times I "go for it" and I mean that both ways,..Buzz and screw it,..going to bed. The out of control thing isn't as bad.

Pre TSM, 11.30 PM thoroughly buzzed on the way to smashdom. Tonight completely lucid, one drink in (ok it had 4-5 ounces of Jim Beam but nonetheless) and am currently working on another 4-5 ounces of vodka as a screwdriver. I will probably top the night with 1-2 Crud Light. So a total of about 7-9 drinks which renders me ok for the following day and not loaded or shaky or anxiety stricken tomorrow.

I have a session tomorrow with the woman I did a record with. We're going to begin working on her new one for next year. I am thinking that it will go smoothly. She doesn't know the extent of my drinking and I've told her a little bit....

I am now going to catch up on my other friends posts and be more active this week,..sorry, BEst, jim

PS Anyone hip to the Trailer Park Boys? That comedy saved my ass the past few days,..watched em all as I was going through a mini depression

Hi Jim,

What a great word - smashdom!!

Wish I could come up with words like that.

Best wishes.

V.

Hang in there Jim. You are going through a lot. I admire your enthusiasm during tough times. We are all rooting for you.

My best,

Nick

Bad Jim bad Jim

Sorry I've been away. Been working through some things but as always the forum is such a beautiful place, never a quiet moment. Glad to post my progress and read others.

I had a hangover this past week that climaxed with 5 or more continuous dry heaves (I lost track as I though I was dying,...you know that feeling) at 7.30 PM the next day after suffering a stomach doing back flips all day and annoying headache, negative reinforcement but pre TSM, I wouldn't have one (a hangover). I felt as though my anus was attempting to make it up and through my mouth. Sorry for the graphic nature of the description, but I would've thought that sort of thing wouldn't happen at this point of TSM but here's why I stated it. The last time I had a dry heave like that was in 1984 and it was even worse but that was when I was in my early days of drinking,...so I think TSM is having a negative reinforcement. These kinda hangovers remind me of when I was a kid drinking for those first years....my poem I wrote back then in 84 during the hangover was the following (forgive me as I wasn't as refined as I am now but its funny)
If I drink another drink
I'll just have to stop and think
12 hours later a sickening feeling
And me crouched over painfully squealing

Too bad I didn't heed my own advice but then again I'm an alkie. I didn't know that then.

So maybe as the neurons are being rebuilt, the potential for a hangover increases with less alcohol but then again, I drank probably 24 ounces of vodka that night so it was more or less a hangover earned. However, I still think pre TSM I would've been shaky the next day but not sick to my stomach and with headache but that's just a guess.

Otherwise, I'm still feeling as though there are as EVERYONE else has stated, less blackouts, better frame of mind, more ambition. My one drawback is that I have to completely boldface lie to my wife. I really hate that...I love seeing other partners referring to booze as "Medicine". I wish mine understood that. I told her I went to AA today because she asked and wants me to go...I didn't. Sorry universe.

My #'s are about 1 martini and 2 glasses of wine last night, I was tired, fell out. Woke up at 2 AM sober, listened to Pandora (an Itouch app awesome which takes an artist and plays like artists in a mix thats like your own personal DJ...Brazilian music for 2 hours, Milton Nascimento whom I was blessed to see the other night with the Mrs. .....ahhh I digress) and fell out after 4.30 AM with a smile for 3 more hours. Night before, 6-8 units over about5 hours, got pretty buzzed but never felt too out of it....in the past I would've sped up the frequency in order to "get there"......

So I guess, I'm making progress, wish I was down the road a few months, but I see hope...My work has slowed down to 2-3 jobs a week...drinking seems to be about 1-2 martinis and various mixes that amount to an additional 3-5 units per night. So I would say anywhere between 6-9 units a night. That would always have been 9+ pre TSM.

Finances getting kinda scary but I'll make it somehow....I want to catch up on my fellow friends as I've been away,..Best, Jim

Hi Everyone,

Thought I'd give my update after having visited my elderly mom for Thanksgiving holiday.

Was there all week and was able to keep my units at 6-8 a night. Woke up feeling refreshed and had a good time. No drunkenness but I did have a severe craving after having run out of beer and knowing there was no booze in the house at 1 AM (my mom quit last year I think because of me and she was no tea totaler (sp) ) and I just was uncomfortable BUT.....I muscled through it and made it to bed.

Other than that, I drank last night after my workout (I returned and met the mrs at the airport as she visited her family) and left a beer out on purpose to see if the Mrs. would freak and freak she did.....absolutely drives me nucking futs (intentional). I so wish I had her support because without it, I am also driven to drown my frustration for pharmaceutical effect. I want the release....

I'm working tonight so will have 3-6 units through the night. I'll see how I feel, but generally, I will have 3 afterwards or more. Work nights generally have been 9 units.

I feel glimmers of TSM working but can't say for sure. I think giving into the program like we give into alcohol is whats important. But to an alkie, thats counter intuitive.

I hope this finds you well and now I must catch up on my your progress. Thanks everyone for being there for me...Best, Jim

Hi Everyone,

I've been lurking and not posting and for that I apologize.

My latest update is more of the same. Continuing between 6-8 units a night and that usually is a beer or two, and 2 martinis.

I can safely say for the most part, I am not waking up intoxicated (its happened a 6 times or so) and have had a few hangovers which I have documented. My head is clearer than its been in a long time but sadly, I have NO support from my wife.

In counseling the other night she stated that she thinks she wants us to try a separation. Well unbeknownst(SPelling please) to her, I am still going to fight for our relationship. She thinks I'm basically done. Well, at least I'm going to make an effort even if she doesn't. She's a good woman who deserves a better man and I am going to be that man.

I am generally intrigued by this Baclofen so keep posting Virgil and Lo0p as I am fascinated by its efficacy. Know that my shrink would never give it to me. But that's ok as I am relatively happy even though my piano teacher passed away 2 days ago. He was brilliant. But I haven't been studying for the last eight months so I feel bad that I was not able to be a part of his life for the last bit.

I hope this finds everybody well, I am off to entertain the folks in an assisted living home. Happy Holidays everybody (Just not too happy or errr sad or YOU know what I mean.... ) Best, Jim

Jim,

It's so good to see you posting again, and I so admire your attitude and wish you every success with your wife. Sometimes, especially at the most extreme of times, it needs one party to make all the effort I've learnt. So...GO JIM!!

All the best to you buddy,

eight

I won't bore anyone anymore about my relationship, but I am going to have to move out at the top of the year.

The holidays will be sad but I will not be getting smashed. My 80 year old mother will be coming this Thursday and my wife seems hell bent on making sure this is awkward. Trying to amplify what could be a very nice time into an uncomfortable unhappy event. Her choice not mine. I choose happiness. She will sleep in a separate bedroom when my mom visits...

My piano teacher passed away eighth hour of the eighth day of December(get it 88 as in keys no joke) and as he lay dying, his daughter said he just kept instilling upon her to live minute to minute. If this minutes not cool, work on making the next one happy or better. She said it was kind of a lesson in living in the present. So rather than focus on my sad state of my marriage, focus on drinking less, the forum here and all of the success and happiness others are having. Even if I'm not far along enough to be cured, or even close to much lower levels, I have hope and writing this is very cathartic.

We went to our friends house last night who are also professors (I'm the only non-academic), and the husband was turning me on to all kinds of books and as he's an expert in religion, different bibles that have gospels that are missing from my "Good News" one which I always liked but he showed me the gospel of Thomas and a bunch of other stuff. VERY VERY Cool. I think its called the Apocryphal New Testament. Here's a link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Testament_apocrypha

I'm a spiritual cat so I am not scared by something new. It won't shock me and on the contrary will inspire me even more....He also showed me the annotated version of the Christmas Carol that has all of these cool notes that Dickens made and his live performance version. (I guess he performed it here in Boston at Fanueil Hall,..he was a bit of an actor). Anyways, a delightful evening. I had a non alcoholic beer (I still took 25 mg naltrexone because I didn't know if even the slightest amount might affect the brain negatively), and some soda water with lemon. SHE had a wine or two. Upon return, I had a martini (I took another 25 mg as I was sure I was drinking for a few hours) and 4 beers. Smoked a little marijuana, (this is new to me, I am not a Pot smoker), and that was that,...so I would say it was a lower drinking session. Definitely was,..I would've had 2 martini's, and 4-8 beers pre TSM. I feel Marijuana has a Baclofen affect although, I don't know Baclofen and have never taken it. It definitely helps with tempering the amount of alcohol I want as the pot seems to amplify any effect I am having under the influence of alcohol.

I woke this AM, gave the Mrs. a ride to the train, went back to bed and woke up a few hours later. I am grateful that there are days that I can FEEL better. I drank a lot Saturday night, but after my job I was hanging with some musicians late night. I wouldn't say smashed but probably 8-12 drinks over 8 hours, but certainly got drunkish but not out of control. The rest of the week was my typical one martini and 4 drinks, either wine or beer....but here's something that I'm finding, the obsession with booze seems to be lifting. I'm almost bored thinking about wine and beer. Even vodka. It truly has lost its place in my heart as my dirty little secret obsession. I see others post this so feel obligated to state this as well.

I so want to try and have an AF day or two. I just don't want to feel as though I'm trying too hard. But I am so distraught and saddened by the turn of events. She's not saying breakup, just separation and the counselour says that many many many people find that's its the reset the relationship needs. Everyone I speak with say that's the beginning of the end. Anybody on this forum separate only to get back together? Mind you, I thoroughly expect to be cured and either abstinent or able to control to the point that if I must have a beer or two, I can do it within the confines of a "I'll have one or two. But I would have to either, refill an alcohol free with real beer if I were to choose to drink in front of her, which is oh so f***ing alcoholic, or just be abstinent.

So moving out for say 2-3 months I will be working out more, maybe not Lo0ping it but I want to get those last 10-15 pounds off and put a little muscle on. At 44 soon to be 45 (Feb 11), I want to feel better than ever and think that my goal will be no drunkenness from here on out. As one of our other members stated, sick of waiting.

So back to a topic brought up earlier, a little willpower with some minute to minute therapy.

No apologizing about my past. If I go forward with that attitude, I'm hoping I will appear more attractive to her and everybody else and that will help recharge the marriage. If not, I will wish her well and happiness and a certain amount of too bad we couldn't work it out,..because to quote Lennon (I think he wrote the bulk of the lyrics of this song even though McCartney sang it) "Life is very short, and there's no time for Fussing and and fighting my friend" simple comment but to the point. Live ever present minute to minute,...minute to minute, sad minute, lets make the next one a happy one" Much love everyone, Jim
PS Thank you all for your emails and comments here. Without you, I'd be in a boat without a paddle, lost at sea.

Jim

That really sucks that your wife is not on board with your treatment. I know that has got to make things that much harder. My fiance left me over the booze and has returned since I am trying to do "something" about the problem. It has not been easy as I had an episode on Saturday...blacked out an all...over a minor fight that booze turned into a major fight. I really am lucky because she is in the pharmacutical industry and totally buys into and supports and understand the science behind the Sinclaire Method. so she is hanging in there.

I was at a point though when she left I had to get well again for myself. I am not going to say so what she left but I needed to focus on me and getting out of hell. I could not imagine putting real beer in an odouls bottle...man I feel your pain. That completely sucks. If that was me man it would kill my self esteem to "sneak". I feel for you. Maybe
a couple month seperation is what you need for you. I know for me relationship probs caused by alcohol caused me to drink even more...sadness is and was a huge trigger for me. Mabybe during the seperation you will be cured and everything will work out.

Have to tell ya read alot of your posts and I love your way with words

Good luck my friend