All -

In the beginning I posted a lot, I was excited that I had found something that "might" work for me and the beast of burden I carry. I don't post as often as I did or should but I think it happens when you realize that drinking is no longer the main thing in your life. I should more often to make sure that everyone knows that any progress is important and valid and that everyone here is in that same battle that you are.

Today, a year ago today, I entered a rehab center and stayed for 28 days (AA based) and stayed sober for 45 days and then crashed and burned like so many others. I found TSM in March and started in April.

Am I alcohol free.. No...
Is my life better.... OH YES! And I thank the TSM every single day.

Ok, so for the most part the book says we should be "cured" in 4 to 6 months. Cured from what? Drinking too much in general? Or from the way I was? If you really dig in to the book, it was a study of people in a control environment. We are not.

A year ago today I was an unmanageable drunk, about to lose husband and my sanity. I drank until I passed out and void of anything life around me but the bottle and myself. I thought that in order to sleep I had to finish the bottle and pass out. I woke up with the shakes so bad I couldn't hold a cup of coffee. I managed to fool everyone around me (except Mr. Providence) that I was ok. I got 3 promotions at work when they didn't even realize that I was so hung over from the night before that I would fall asleep during conference calls because I was so out of it. I was a highly functional alcoholic. I managed to finish my master's so drunk I don't remember giving my dissertation.

I opened bottles of wine driving down the highway at 60 mph on my way home because I couldn't wait the 45 mins it took me to get home. I passed a police officer once with a bottle and a cork screw between my legs opening the bottle pouring it in my travel mug. Yes, I was out there driving on the same roads with your family, loved ones, friends and people who will never know that the biggest danger in their life was ME! That to me is the most unforgivable thing I have ever done. (Well short of taking Mr. P for granted)

The day I went into rehab my family and job had no idea I had a problem. They were in shock. I thought when I left "I am in control" I believed I was "saved" until the beast knocked on my door and I opened it for him. I searched for the answer, I prayed, I am not a person who fails or is weak, but I couldn't tell it no.

I found MWO I tried it, didn't work for me (not knocking it, it's a great place for support) but I tried Topa and couldn't get through the day without feeling so stoned I couldn't think.

Then this website opened up (I thank all those who founded it) and I started TSM. I found strength in all those before me and those who struggle with me.

Where I was:
Falling down drunk every night, finding bruises all over my body that I couldn't remember hurting myself
Drinking till I passed out
Watching the time click on the VCR at 2:13 am
Afraid that there wasn't enough wine at home (even though I had a case) to last me all night
Afraid of making plans on the weekend because I would be to drunk to attend
Knowing Mr. Providence was only staying because he loved so much he was afraid I'd die
Never cleaning my house, my mind and soul because it was too messy to deal with
My favorite meal was a bottle of wine
Never remembering all the promises I made
Realizing all the promises I broke
Taking trips and not knowing what city I was in or how great it was
Asking myself what was more important - Mr. Providence or the bottle and the bottle won....

Today:
A new job! That requires long hours and I can handle it
I'm going to be a grandmother and I remember the shower
A clean house
I love Thai and Sushi and mostly grilled cheese and soup
I would never drink and drive again because I love what everyone is going home to...including me
I had coffee this morning because it's righteous
All the crappy stuff that has happens in my life is not ALWAYS my fault
It's ok to be flawed, it's human and beautiful
My butt is too big and that's ok because Mr. Providence likes it that way
Happy hour is not always happy
Naps are ok when you’re not drunk
I have "romantic" times with Mr. P and they are outstanding (TMI?)

I'm a binge drinker and sometimes it gets the best of me. I have great weeks and bad weeks but I'm off 10% vpc wine and on low carb 4.5 beers and it works. I don't have hang-over. I can attend parties and not drink. I don't fear the weekends or Monday morning.

Yes, I have ups and downs. I'm on my own schedule, but considering a year ago I called my sister to help me and she found me on my living room floor so drunk it took them 15 hours to get me sober enough to legally agree to go to rehab and today I woke up sober and wanted coffee and a bagel I call it a win.

I am sober today. I will continue to take my NAL

If it takes more time. Don't go by numbers or units go by your life.... Where were you before you took your first NAL? No it won't work for everyone, but don't miss the forest for the trees.

Providence

Thanks Providence I needed to hear that today.

corkit

Thanks, Providence. According to Sinclair's studies, we will continue to see reduction in craving for up to three years. Other treatments, like your rehab, measure the length of time until the inevitable relapse. It's just really gratifying to hear from someone who has got her life back. Please do stay in touch.

Corkit..

Hang in there. Don't be in a race with the program, be in the walk of your life. It's so worth it, I promise. I will not sugar coat it... It sucks thinking... WTF? but think about it ... you woke up the next morning thinking about it!

It may take a long time for me, but I'm worth it and so it Mr. Prov.

Today I plan to clean out my closet, trim my rose garden for the winter, plan my renewal of vows with Mr. P (10 years) and play Rock Band with him.

There is a strenght in all of us that knows that we are wonderful, beautiful and humble. It's the humble part that makes us realize that sometimes we are weak but it makes us no less than the most important person in the world. Love yourself today and not someone else, because it's about you and if you fall short, know there is someone who every second knows you are not.

I am there with you.

Em

This is one of the best posts I've ever read on this board. I agree 100%. Screw the word "cure". The issues are improvement and control. I now have control. I am thinking we need to ****-can the cured thread and start a new "control" thread and another "improvement" thread. I am very confident that at least 80% of us, if not more, would have posts to offer under these topics. I am going to focus on the fact that I have gone from weekly blackouts to none in months; weekly hangovers to none in months; no more forgotten conversations; no more embarrassing behavior; and I drink coffee every day. I never drank coffee when hungover -- it only added to my jitters. Now I drink it every day. I can measure the improvement in my life just by monitoring my coffee consumption. Now excuse me while I go pour a cup.

Providence - wow!! That post just nailed it. You and I started about the same time, so It's just really wonderful to hear how things are working for you. Our results are similar too, I think, except for a brief time when I got distracted by "cured". I remember times when you were down, or just feeling like this wasn't working, and now you are one of the outstanding examples of how tsm works in the real world to give people their lives and their dreams back.

Congratulations, and Mr. Providence better count himself a lucky guy

thank you so much for your wonderful post. I'm going to cut and paste it to someone very dear to me who is just now reading the book. Your post will inspire him, I'm sure. Thanks!

I certainly am extremely happy for those who have gained control of their drinking and very pleased that it is no longer the self-destructive death-spiral that it once was. However, there are those of us who have gone even further than that and are actually "cured" or rather "de-addicted" (the term I now prefer). If you're not there yet, I think it is still likely you will be there at some time in the future. I humbly suggest that we not water down the goal of Dr. Sinclair's work and Dr. Eskapa's book by altering the reason why we are all here. I suggest we keep the "cured" list and perhaps rename it to "de-addicted", and add another category of those who have gained "control" or "improvement". I think the new category will lift the spirits of those who have made so much progress. But please don't "****-can the cured thread"; some of us worked so hard to get there.

Bob

Loved this post, Providence! Made me feel that perhaps my lot is not entirely lost...I was never at the low you were though. Pretty amazing the progress you have made. I also like to look back at significant events on the exact day a year/years later...kudos to you, Providence!
Awesome!

Providence, What a wonderful, moving post. Reading it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. I am so glad you have got your life back and as you say we are all on a journey- some of us are tortoises and some are hares! i don't think there is an 'either cured or not' issue there are just stages on the path.