Ah mate, sounds like it should be a great weekend. I really hope it lifts your spirits in the same way seeing my little niece and nephew lifts mine (even if they do destroy the whole flat when they visit )

I started writing this last night. So when I say yesterday I mean two days ago and when I say last night I mean the night before last and today is yesterday. On a positive note, I didn't finish writing this because I fell asleep...after drinking only 2 units my lowest daily consumption since abstinence in June:

I got my baclofen yesterday. I'm usually a beast with medication and bac is no different. I took 150mgs total yesterday, in doses of 10, 20 or 30mgs, separated by 1.5 hours each, which is the peak plasma concentration time for baclofen. I had no real side effects except for a little wooziness. If anybody is reading this and interested in trying baclofen DO NOT TAKE THAT MUCH, the max for the first day is typically 30mgs. If you do you are very likely to have severe, dangerous side effects. Titration/dose schedules are available in threads over at mywayout.com and Dr. Oliver Ameisen's book, The End of My Addiction.

I still drank last night. I've taken 250 mgs so far today, with quite a bit more wooziness and some mild visual hallucinations, but nothing very bothering. Haven't drank yet...jury's still out on that one. I can't attribute it to the bac yet but I noticed that about an hour after I took a larger dose the overwhelming suicidal feelings/thoughts I have suffered at least every 10 waking minutes for a long time now seemed to disappear. But...then they started to creep back in the evening so I got drunk.

I was walking to the gas station down the street last night to get a bottle of wine (I was already wasted) and a car was coming in the opposite direction. They sped up a little bit and swerved just a tiny bit in my direction. I thought they were speeding up and swerving in my direction to scare me. I got angry and, glaring through the windshield at the driver, I charged the car, running straight toward it as fast as I could. I had a vision of diving head first into their windshield and my brain being splattered all over their car. I can't explain it other than to say that I was thinking: "You think you can scare me motherfucker?" They swerved away and sped off. I tripped and fell and sprained my ankle, quite severely.

If you are out there, if you are listening, please send me an angel. I really need one right now. I feel like I am in the twilight of my life. I want to die and I am not afraid.

Lo0p,

Aside from the alcoholism, what are they telling you in regards to suicidal thoughts?

When my friend (in AA) committed suicide, I had to hug his son at the memorial. It sucked.

He cried uncontrollably for what seemed like an eternity. Those nieces and nephews and other family will be left doing the same. You need to get sober but in tandem address this VERY MAJOR other issue. I will say this, this disease does want us dead. But none of us do,...

Thanks for the baclofen suggestion, I emailed you my address to send package up. My heart is with you, I have some spiritually connected people that I'll give your first name (Evan) to....stay tough and beware of being too loaded, especially now for you, when your judgment is SEVERELY compromised. i.e. me grabbing my wife the other night whom I've never touched EVER!!!! Much love to all reading this....Evan hang tough, Jim

Evan, you need serious help -- more than we here can give you. You MUST talk to one of your health care providers about your suicidal thoughts. You really should talk to your family, too. Keep sharing here, but PLEASE get the help you need. And please, stop the huge doses of the Baclofen. I mentioned before in a post that mixing alcohol with this drug -- a muscle relaxant -- would be very dangerous. The dosage you are taking, combined with drinking especially -- is dangerously high and I think you know you should NOT be doing that. I've also said before that doing baclofen plus alcohol without medical supervision is a dicey proposition. At this time in your life, it's VERY dangerous. Did you get your baclofen by prescription from a doctor? Does he/she know the doses you are taking? Please take care of yourself. PLEASE GET HELP NOW.

My psychologist says that my suicidal thoughts are healthy, and that it's good that I'm letting them out... The multiple psychiatrists that I've seen don't address them. They make me sign a "behavioral contract" that says I won't harm myself or they'll lock me up on a 72 hour hold, essentially passing the buck because they're to wussy to actually try to help me. Oh, and they throw a script for the hottest new SSRI at me on my way out the door. I am talking to my family, they just get angry with me when I bring up the topic of suicide.







I haven't even tried to drink less. The suicidal thoughts have by and large abated the last two days, which is an immense relief. I wasn't joking when I said they've come on quite strongly every 10 minutes for a long time. I don't know why they haven't, I can't attribute it to baclofen.

High dosages of baclofen have been studied in MS patients and deemed safe even after years of use. As for mixing them with alcohol, it looks like that might not be a problem starting today.

Medical supervision?? There isn't a doctor within 100 miles of me that could wrap their head around this. I spent $430 on a visit to my GP to try to get a prescription for naltrexone and he said "I don't know anything about that." For $430 I would at least expect him to say: "I don't know anything about that...but I'll look into it." Even if he did look into it I would still know 5 times as much as he does about it. The medical profession can kiss my ass. This isn't the first time they've let me down.

Again, for anybody reading this, taking such high doses of baclofen like I have without first slowly acclimating to it is likely to lead to severe and dangerous side effects like: Vomiting, Low muscle tone, Drowsiness, Lightheadedness, Dizziness, Vision problems, Coma, Slow or Shallow Breathing and Seizures.

I recommend against anyone trying this, but I'm gonna roll with it.

"Again, for anybody reading this, taking such high doses of baclofen like I have without first slowly acclimating to it is likely to lead to severe and dangerous side effects like: Vomiting, Low muscle tone, Drowsiness, Lightheadedness, Dizziness, Vision problems, Coma, Slow or Shallow Breathing and Seizures.

I recommend against anyone trying this, but I'm gonna roll with it."

LoOp --

Please do not expect anyone who cares about you -- including all of us on this board -- to condone what you are doing. I must echo Lena's thoughts above, please get professional help.

I have professional "help" if you could call it that, and they are not helping me at all. I'm not having any troublesome side effects and baclofen has a very short half life and it doesn't build up in your system it is excreted rather quickly. The last two days are the only days in recent memory where I haven't had waking and sleeping dreams of blowing my head off. I woke up this morning feeling like a million bucks having only drank two glasses of wine the last 2 nights, this after trying to throw myself headfirst into a speeding car three nights ago.

I am not going to spend another 400 dollars to go and listen to another doctor tell me that I shouldn't be doing what I am doing but that they have no way to help me only to have me tell them that I'm going to do it anyway.

My family has already seen the difference, not just in the amount I'm drinking but in the mere fact that they're not finding me hiding in a corner in the fetal position every 3 hours, and they do condone it. We're actually all pretty ecstatic.

We are all hoping the best for you!

I know Nick, thank you very much. I certainly wasn't heading in the right direction continuing to drink like I was and it seems as though this might be working. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

In the long term, if this stabilizes, I plan on guinea-pigging some more and trying to drink just 1 or 2 drinks a night going for extinction like 4 nights a week and 3 AF. Wouldn't that be a dream, I hope it doesn't interfere with TSM. I am going to find out...