Hey Lo0p I'm sorry you've been feeling low. i had an inkling which is why i posted. I am glad you have reached out and sought support. its hard to break out of the isolation. Keep in touch.
Great photo- that you in the foetal position? Or perhaps prostrating yourself in thanks to the good doctors
Thanks for the spreadsheet. unfortunately my computer seems to be playing silly buggers and when i click on the link in your email it tells me i am trying to access it from the other one and wont allow access. it didn't used to do this so i have no idea why.

Lo0p
I am quoting this to remind you that its not that long ago that you were dreaming about the future and the only difference between then and now is your point of view. I know just now the pain feels unbearable but it will pass- remember the Burning Man- the sense of connection you expressed then- its still real.
I agree with rapper- emotional blackmail is no basis for making a relationship. The first and most important relationship you need is the one with yourself-you are a loving, creative and vibrant human being even if you can't see that just now that doesn't mean its not true.

LOop -
Just now catching up a little bit on here. The site being down and now my home computer has crashed as well...ugh, makes me crazy. But I am hoping you are feeling better since you posted this. Lovely stories about Jane, and I hope if it's meant to be, it will be. You hang in there/here with us and don't go away. Everyone feels these dark doom & gloom thoughts. At least you are having some kind of "come to jesus" revelation with yourself and have someone to talk to. Suicide is way too extreme - a permanent solution to temporary problems...and it would hurt so many people who love you and need you.

Remember George Bailey and keep some of ZuZu's petals (or Jane's) in your pocket at all times.

XXXOOO

Loop, In June I had to speak at my very good friend's funeral who committed suicide. The people he left behind miss him terribly and it has been very hard since he has gone. This is a terrible experience and on top of it I worked as a nurse for 10 years with terminally ill people. All I can tell you is it is never worth it. Life can change and altho it may seem dark forever it really does change. Another thing I am very aware of it that addiction is not as bad as some of the things I have seen. You must start small but keep fighting because it is worth it to do so. There is so much to live for. Wishing you happiness.

there is alot more that I could say but I don"t want to scare you Or make you feel reality. Cause you R not ready for that. Awesome hair dude!!!

I've got an order of baclofen that will arrive at my house tomorrow. My intention is to use it in place of my nightly unisom tabs that I use to help me go to sleep (and drink less). But knowing me I'll probably do a little bit of experimentation. I'll keep everyone posted.

LoOP, I have been using baclofen for exactly that reason, to help me sleep. Not sure of my dose, but I take one when I wake up and I think it has helped me sleep. But remember, there are conflicting opinions about using Bac and Nal successfully together for TSM. And also remember you can not just stop taking the Bac, you need to titrate down once you decide to stop.
Good luck. I hope your arm is healing well and I hope your Dad is not angry or upset with you. Glad you have been staying in touch. I am feeling better myself and honestly two weeks ago I was almost in the garage with a big Suburban with two gas tanks. Today, I am glad I am here, and not "somewhere" else. I am glad you are here too. Let's keep trying to help ourselves shake this monster AL off our backs. i am with you in spirit. ART

My arm isn't broken, it's getting better. I haven't seen my dad yet, he's been away at work. He's always quick to forgive and since i don't even remember being there I'm sure it'll just blow over. Thx ART.

I still can't go more than a couple of hours without breaking down though. Both of my sisters birthdays are this weekend so they and a lot of family friends are here...beers galore. Good thing I can't really get wasted off beer.

Evan -- Be good to yourself. And do not drive after you take Baclofen. Ever. I hope your sisters dote over their brother and spoil him with attention. Just what the doctor ordered.

Thx Lena. I'm only planning on taking it at night as a sleep aid and maybe I'll experiment with medium-high doses (at night, since I only drink at night).

It's their birthday though. Doesn't really matter who's birthday it is, the ones getting the attention are our niece and nephew, which is the way it should be . I love my family. All of my friends and my sisters friends consider my parents family. We're 27, 28(me), and 30 years old. It's gonna be a big weekend. Lots of friends.