Happy4Once,

I just popped over here to see some of my friends and how they were doing. I see your progress thread and I am absolutely thrilled for you.

You made me smile today.

Love,
Cindi

WEEK 30

I haven't posted my progress for awhile. Since my numbers have swooped back up I was a bit shy about doing so. But, I think it would help me to start posting weekly progress again so I can watch myself getting better.

First off - yes, I'm having a backslide. Not exactly sure why but there is a lot going on right now in my life so I'll just chalk it up to a bunch of things colliding all at once. I did cut my dosage at one point and have since gone back up to 50mg and will stay there. I also, for my own peace of mind, decided to get a prescription. I posted how I did it in this thread if anyone else wants to try (it is not on my insurance records...I paid out of pocket for the meds but not the appt., it ended up costing the same as my online meds.) http://www.thesinclairmethod.net/community/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=758&p=10749&sid=f89a85cbadf59fbcb05fb59a21940eb8&sid=f89a85cbadf59fbcb05fb59a21940eb8#p10749

So, for the past 4 weeks my weekly units have been in the 30+ range, which is where I was before I started. It doesn't sound like much, but I drink during a 2-3 hour period each night and 3 glasses of wine gets me crying-drunk and my next day is dramatically affected for the worse. I had a bad weekend last weekend...drank nearly an entire bottle of wine myself. I was very hungover and depressed the next day with no one to commiserate with at home...thank you for the PMs I randomly rec'd from some of you - it really helped even though you had no idea I was having a particularly bad day. Anyway...the past few days I am finally starting to feel a little hope that I am heading back in the right direction again. I had 2 tiny glasses of wine both nights and felt a little tingle for some more but was able to stop with little effort. Prior to this I was really struggling to stop. Thoughts were there constantly again. Now, they are starting to fade back into whispers. I know from my past success that even these whispers will disappear. I can wait. The past month has been scary because I wasn't sure I would get back to where I was 2 months ago. Now I have hope. I don't know how I got back to these levels but I finally feel it is temporary. I truly believe that again, so...phew. Big sigh of relief from me. And as to the cause? Who knows. My husband just looks at me and says. 'You just went through a HUGE change. Give yourself a break.' And so, I will. And I will thank the universe for pairing me with such a calm, confident person.

I am home full time with my kids now. I love being home with them. Love it. I don't know how else to explain what a monumental statement that is for me... I thought I would resent this, I thought I would run around screaming at them. I thought I would have to spend hours chatting with the moms in the neighborhood (no! they are busier than I am). I thought I would just worry constantly about money, lose my identity, have to sit around cooking & cleaning all day, sink into a deep depression etc...I had 'The Hours' replaying in my head constantly thinking I was destined to toss out bad cakes and be obsessed with checking myself into the nearest hotel. But. Boy did I just learn a life lesson. Staying home does not have to involve anything I'm not exactly cut out for. I get to just be me and be there for my kids. Nobody is judging me and no one is dictating how I do this. And I love being with them - they are a hoot. A huge pain in the arse sometimes but so far, I laugh more than cry. Everything I was worried about has not materialized, and so many good things that I never expected have.

I know things will change as time goes by and I will undoubtedly get worn down...I hope I'm strong enough and my drinking is a thing of the past so I can work through that when it hits. Right now all feels right.

Hi Happy
I am so pleased for you! Its lovely to hear you really enjoying your kids. It is such a cliche but they do grow so fast and it is wonderful to have the time to be with them when they still want you. Well done you!

Well there is a reason everyone refers to TSM as a "roller coaster." It sure sounds like you are on it, although so many factors are in play. (Sorry for ruffling feathers before about the possible "other issue", no harm intended.) My older brother is not an alcoholic but a wine drinker a few nights a week. When I told him about TSM he told me he wanted to quit too -- not because he's an alcoholic, he's not -- but because his general mood vastly improves when he doesn't have those two or three glasses of wine two or three days in a row. I too am always amazed by how much better I feel after a few days of no alcohol in my system. Anyway, it sounds like you may have turned a corner for the better.

We're all rooting for you.

My best,

Nick

Hi Happy,

Sounds great for you...gives me hope as My Mrs. is really struggling with me. I try ad tell her, showed her the letter to a concerned spouse but nothing changes her. I just hope that in 3 months time, she never seeing me fall down drunk, it will give her pause to say maybe like it seems your husband has....thats great.

I want to start a discussion on another thread called scrips and paranoia,...Maybe I'm naive, but aren't they supposed to all be confidential? Anyways to the other post!

Wow - thank you everyone for the very nice comments. Have been without internet access since last night and just seeing these now

Soulby - . Cliche or not- they do grow up fast. I don't think I was ready to do this sooner, but so glad I did it before they are all into their double digits.

Nick - thank you for the post and I hope your brother does this as well. I think it can help so many people, no matter where we are on the spectrum of drinking too much.

WTE - You know, I will have to ask her (the doctor) if the prescription will show anywhere on my records. She sounded like she'd done this before and knew how to keep it quiet. She put general anxiety as the insurance code and as far as I know the prescription is not sent in with that form unless you are having them pay for the prescription. I will ask! (Next appt is 10/22).

Jim - Did you show your wife the letter the G4M wrote for spouses? Very helpful stuff. I think I lucked out with my husband in that he was on board from the beginning for some reason. He doesn't like to hear any of the details, makes him uncomfortable...it's almost like I'm talking about 'women' issues with him. He just says the right things and trusts that I know how to take care of my issue. Hope your wife comes around - usually when the drinking starts decreasing, I think they start believing a bit. I have to think it's very, very hard for the spouses. They've put up with so much.


Thanks again for the lovely posts.

Week 31: 33 units.....

Hi - still working on re-extinguishing my triggers or extinguishing new triggers since being home with my kids, however you want to look at it.

High numbers this week BUT here is the scenario: mother-in-law staying with me all week and husband nowhere to be found and when he was home, he was concentrating on her and not asking how my stress level was with her here all week. Men. IT WAS VERY HIGH thank you very much...big party the whole entire week with lots of inlaws in town - two parties at my house, 1 night out with the adults which ended with me (and others) playing pool at the local Moose lodge until way too late. A clear sign that I am on my way or already drunk is my mistaken belief that I am an awesome pool player. I will challenge everyone around me and chalk the cue my hands anything in sight a million times and never quite make any balls in. So embarrassing the next day but it was fun. Long story short - had an AF day this week and kept it to 2 drinks other normal nights...but nights out were off the chart. I did not drink more than those around me however...and no blackouts.

This week is starting much better. Last night I poured out 1/2 of my second glass. YEAH! It's really starting to work again on my nights at home alone, and I am really excited about that. Can't wait to just go AF. I am planning 2 AFs this week to help with my mood/disposition.

What else - I also cut off all of my hair this week and am sporting a very cute pixie. I love it. I have always chopped off my hair at the end of any relationship - so I think this one is signalling the end of my relationship with Al. (Or my lack of time to fix my hair in the morning with kids hanging on me...either way, it feels like a nice, clean change).

Tomorrow is my bday. I will be 44 . Sounds old but I don't feel it. I feel very good today and looking forward to getting some new hobbies in my life this year and re-connecting further with my kids and husband. Goodbye to the lethargic scared young party girl and hello to the new energetic, healthy, emotionally mature woman. Hope I grow into her quickly and stay with her for life.

Happy birthday Happy.

As always, I agree that the numbers do not tell the story -- trigger elimination is the key. Having all those triggers and not blacking out is a huge improvement. I have found during this journey that focusing on the little victories along the way is important, as is keeping in perspective how much life has improved post-TSM. I didn't like my consumption level on Sunday but pre-TSM it would have been far worse and my behavior would have been an embarrassment. However, I have had only a handful of stupid drunken incidents since starting TSM whereas I was having them weekly pre-TSM. This fact is not reflected in my numbers but is a huge quality-of-life issue.

This will work for you!

Happy 44th.

Nick

Hey H4O - HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I just know this will be the best year ever for you. And 44 isn't even CLOSE to old...

Happy Birthday Happy.
It sounds like you are getting back on track. Be grateful for your spouse's patience. I know I am. She has declared she has the old me back, still a drunk just not as much of one.
Have a great day!!!