Yes all alone, but i will drink more, go to bed soon, and wake up tomorrow and take diazepam rather than drink. My doctor has given me enough that I can take it for one day and then see him on Thursday without drinking. Last night I was looking at my veins and planning where to cut, but I don't fell like that today (and I would never trouble you guys if I felt like that, if I really want to kill myself I will do so with no fuss, just to be free of all this pain - I am not attention-seeking in any of this).

Bless you all, I am sure I will be fine tomorrow xxx

What a difference a few hours make! I don't read TSM for a few hours and now this, 8DAW?

I've been through the suicide route (attempted, probably deliberately subconsciously); electrocution was my death-of-choice, but I survived them. Each time, somehow I emerged stronger rather than weaker; each time I was ready to go; I had given up. When I made the attempts too, I told no one, it was not a cry for help; it was to end the pain.

I still bear 4 scars from those attempts, and they are now an unpleasant memory. The pain is gone. "The cure", as they call it, rids us of the pain. It exists no longer. Look forward to it. It is indescribable, the feeling of finally being free. You truly will not believe that it has happened to you when it finally comes. But it will come. Look forward to it, even when things seem their darkest, my friend.

Bob

I'm new 8 but I've read m,any of your posts. You've helped me too..and I've been scared getting used to this new program...Please stay with us and get better. This too will pass even if it doesn't seem that way.... We look forward to having you back and healthy.....My heart goes out! Jim

Thank you my friends. I will get through this. I dream of being where Bob is - CURED - and then in a position to help and inspire others.

8

I can so relate and I too just this evening, AFTER two great surf days, thought of slitting my wrists.
Emotional difficulties, beyond my control.....

No I can not, and shall not do it, but the thought really did cross my mind. Just to say I very much understand.

Peace, dear friend, we do waver in and out, as we are so sensitive, and that is our lot in life.

Hi 8,

I've been trying to catch up, and became frightened for you after reading your earlier posts. Thanks so much for posting again - you sound like you're feeling a bit better, yes? You can always come here for support in your darkest moments. Please never hesitate - we all care, and you can count on us to here for you. Thanks again, and please keep us updated. You'll get through this and come out a winner!

Krazy, thank you so very much. I am better right now. Alright it is past 6am here and I have been drinking for three hours, but I am better than I was.

Jim, and everyone else, thank you SO much too. I have had some lovely, very helpful, and touching PMs, and I hope my great gratitude to you guys came across as it should have done in my private replies.

ART, I am just so devastated that you sometimes share these feelings with me. You have always struck me from your posts as both a lovely and fascinating person, and so much loved here I know. So let's vent on here but try to keep these silly thoughts at bay, eh? And, thank you so much for the lovely picture, what is it of? Is that you?

Where I am right now: very confused. I KNOW TSM is working for me, because it has already totally changed my feelings for alcohol. It is just another liquid that happens to have a nice sedative effect, rather than the magical elixir it once was. At the same time there's a danger right now with the stuff, because I can drink it like water and it doesn't get me 'drunk' anymore, it just makes me sleepy.

I'm due to see my doctor on Thursday and he's determined I go back on anti-depressants. I'm very much opposed to that. My panic and anxiety are due to traumatic events that happened over the last five years, that I have slowly begun to work through with my therapist. Longterm I think the only answer for me is to work through this emotional stuff and to have dealt with it, and I know that anti-depressants will only mask my feelings over this stuff which actually need to be brought up and dealt with.

I think I will go ahead and order the Baclofen from River right now, but I'd prefer to have my GP and Psych doctors onside for me to at least try it for a couple of days. The order from River will take at least ten days, and my GP wants to put me on anti-depressants in two days' time.

I guess my best hope is that if anyone knows some reports/evidence I can put together to show my doctor on Thursday that Baclofen is worth a shot, please PLEASE let me know. I have Dr Ameisen's book and I will look at that in the morning, but I don't remember any detailed section for medical practitioners or list of clinical reports like the one in Dr Eskapa's. I will also post on MWO tomorrow asking for the same.

Eight , firstly I'm glad you took full opportunity to vent , hope it did good , that's what we're here for . It does look like you've some grip and resolve to get through .
Of course you have , of course you can . You can do this I know you can and as Bob said there's a whole lot of good stuff to look foreward to . In the meantime hang in there and give Virgil a bell do break the loneliness .
Thanks for your post on mine .

Thank you Elfern, yes I needed to vent and it sure helped. You are most welcome for my small post on your thread - YOU ARE CURED AND THAT IS AMAZING!!

I need to try to eat today, it has been too long (just a few mouthfuls yesterday). I have taken some sedatives but the alcohol just works so much better for me. I hope I can stay awake long enough to ask for some proof of medical reports from MWO that may persuade my doctor to give me baclofen. I'm going to order it right now from River anyway.

The most depressing thing is that my doc wants me to go back on the anti-depressants tomorrow. Apart from the fleeting thoughts and despair last night and the day before, last time I was on them I felt suicidal almost daily, totally out of control, but my GP won't listen - it's the only option he's offering.

Hi 8,

Is it perhaps time to consider changing your GP? Have you thought about private treatment?

Stay strong.

V.