Tonight over dinner my partner asked what I had been up to.
I said I had been on the website of the community of people on the same medication as me.
Asked whether I contribute to the community, I said no. Only to be told I was selfish to benefit from a community website and not contribute myself.
Sometimes it takes your partner to make you realise a few home truths.
So here we are. My reasons for not contributing to date I hope are not selfish. I am a very private person, and I do find the idea of publishing my progress a bit daunting. But upon reflection I think my partner is right – if I am benefiting from the posts here, so too I hope people may benefit from reading mine.
I first want to say that I appreciate a lot of what has been said on this site. I love to see the ‘Cured’ posts and people’s changes as a result of this method.
I am in Week 11 of being on NAL and am on the rollercoaster that many at this stage seem to experience. I find it very frustrating to see my numbers going back up, but then try to have some faith when I see the results of some people after the ups and downs.
I also want to say a thank you to those who pointed me in the direction of how to get my hands on Naltrexone (or Nalorax as it is called in the UK). I ended up getting it from River Pharmacy, Over the counter in Spain and eventually (it took 6 weeks) on prescription in the UK. So I ended up being a walking NAL shop in the end!

I’ll sum up the past 11 weeks if it helps any new comers.
I found NAL very rough in the first 2 weeks. I seriously was all over the place. I feel that my drop in Units in the beginning was because I really didn’t like the effects of NAL. I initially could not take it in Social situations because it not only made me feel delirious it also sent my anxiety through the roof. This still happens and I find that my shakes (I suffer tremors) are a lot worse after taking NAL and I basically need 2 hands to hold a drink steady. This eases off after about 90 minutes. The other effect NAL has on me is insomnia, especially if my units are up. This does not happen on all occasions, but I’d say about 50% of the time. On these occasions I suffer palpitations and my mind is racing so much I have a lot of trouble sleeping – especially in the early hours of the morning.
I have also noticed NAL can make me very short-tempered. I am normally very placid, but I find that on some occasions on NAL I just snap. I also have some very violent dreams. On one night (I can laugh at this now) I woke to myself punching the headboard of the bed. Go figure.
I know these side effects sound bad, but weighing them up with what I am trying to extinguish, I am willing to put up with them. The tremors ease up quite quickly, and the insomnia I am willing to put up with. If the SM method works, I think these things aren’t so bad.
I am also noticing the benefits of NAL. My drinking sessions tend to be shorter with less units. There are times I am amazed how long a drink seems to last and there are times I will pour a half-finished drink down the sink. These are all amazing steps for me.
There are also those times which aren’t so good. I have noticed (and I have seen this posted on this site before) that I don’t really feel like another drink, but I will continue drinking anyway. I freely admit I am greedy with alcohol and at a dinner when the bottle of wine is being poured I have a real issue with getting my share of the bottle(s). This I know is something I really need to address if I am going to conquer this thing.

My numbers are below so you can see how it has been going.
Like many people I had a honeymoon period. My numbers dropped at first. I think this may have been a product of my first reaction to NAL and also the drop that most people first experience. My numbers in first weeks stayed relatively low. This was a product of a few things going on in my life – sober friends staying with me and the fact I got ill in week 5.
Week 6 to 9 saw my numbers go back up to rise to 111 UK Units (64 US Units) in week 9. This I found seriously depressing and was way beyond my pre SM units. Sure I was on vacation this week, but I really beat myself up when I did the figures on this week.
Have just finished week 10 and am now in week 11. There are times I want to throw it in and go for abstinence and think that the SM is hell. There are times (especially after reading posts on this website) I have faith and hope that this is really going to work.
As it has been said many times on this site, it is not about the numbers this is about our lives with and without alcohol.
I had been sober for 2.5 years a while back using a 12 step method and it did not work for me. I loved sobriety, but I hated the constant battle with cravings. I felt like a pressure cooker about to explode, especially towards the end. The cravings never went away and I found it hell fighting them on a daily basis.
For me I am hoping the SM will help kill the insane cycle called addiction.
Thanks again to those who helped point me in the direction of getting NAL when I fist came onto this site in June. Sorry I did not post this Thank you earlier.
More posts to come.
6DIJ

Welcome, thanks for posting. It is very useful to increase the sample size and to compare notes with others similarly-situated. Your post will no doubt benefit many here now and more to come in the future.

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Hi,

I am also at around 11/12 weeks into the process and have a lot of up and down periods. I am just now starting to not be as obsessive over the wine bottle... This past week, I noticed that I was always the last one to finish the first glass. This is a huge change from before. I still get a nervous feeling when I see the other empty glasses. I don't want more poured until I'm done with mine. Once again, it's not really reflected in the numbers but it is a sign of TSM working.

I related to your post as I always feel that I should contribute more on the board and in more detail. It just goes against my nature. But I get so much from everyone else and eagerly read the long posts, debates, and triumphs. The support is incredible.

Good luck!

Virginia

Hi 6,

I had a big spike at week 11, going from 36 to 52 drinks, and I remember it being frustrating because it was just when I thought I had seen some signs of progress. As much as possible, hold the long range picture in mind. Glad to have you with us

Hi 6DIJ,

I was wondering what had happened to you! On a few occasions, I'd thought about e-mailing you via this community. Don't know why I didn't. I remember when you first appeared on these boards explaining that you were having difficulty obtaining naltrexone in London. Obviously, you succeeded in the end. BTW, I'm also in the UK.

Anyway, it's good to hear from you again and to learn how your journey is unfolding.

All the very best to you.

V.

6DIJ,

welcome to the board!

Yes the honey moon period / getting adjusted to the medicine is nice. It is a great feeling to see the initial drop. But in reality it is just you getting adjust to it. Best thing is to not force it. I lost a lot of time because I forced it too much.

I did not realize that my odd dreams could be because of Nal. I am also talking Bupropion, so I am used to have weird dreams.
But especially lately my dreams have become very strange. Which range from violence to fighting ghosts and jumping off buildings.

All the best to you!

When I started TSM I had REALLY weird dreams for weeks for the first time in my life, so yes, it was definitely the naltrexone. Most involved me killing someone or being killed and all involved a lot of conflict, if not violent conflict. Thankfully, they have gone away but they were really wild there for a while. "Sleep disturbance" is listed as possible side effect of naltrexone. I am assuming that means wild, messed up dreams.

Thanks for all who posted on my wall last week.
Typically, I was bashing myself up after posting what I had written. But that is just me. The words of encouragement are really appreciated.
Not much shift in week 11 - in fact a slight increase.
3 AFDs - but on my drinking days the numbers still seemed pretty high for me.
Some old behaviours came out - like staying up and drinking on my own watching rubbish on TV and sipping and escaping.
I did note a slight drop in cravings this week though which was positive.
Have started week 12 now - 4 days in and last night had my first day of Zero cravings.
It was quite amazing. I tried not to obsess about it too much, but I just wanted to relish in the feeling so much. I couldn't help but sit there and analyze it. I hoped it would last, but the cravings came back tonight, but not hugely to about a '4' I'd say.
Hope more craving-free days are on the way.

Good luck to all on the SM.

6DIJ

Week 12 flew by.
And although I had 4 AFD's, the 3 days I did drink, seemed to be big ones for me.
I seem to be stuck in the mid-40's (US around 30 Units) spot. I am still not happy about my binges or my desire to get totally sloshed that seems to drive how I drink.
Saying that, there were some changes in how I craved alcohol this week.
I posted about this last week, but week 12 saw my first real drop in cravings. I had two days where the thought of alcohol was almost repulsive - I wasn't interested in it at all. Such a great feeling. I really feel like something happened this week.
Saying that though, I am still not denying the 3 big binges, and recognize the fact I still have some way to go.
So all good. In week 13 now.
Hope all goes well for those on TSM.

6DIJ

Week 13 didn't start too well (my Week runs Fri to Thurs) - on a personal or drinking front - but it got better.
The week turned around, and I managed 4 AFD's. This for me, is pretty amazing.
Like in week 12, week 13 has seen a real drop in my cravings - which averaged 3 this week. This is making the AFD's a lot easier.
So I am seeing some progress after my blow-out in week 9.

My biggest problem is making sure I don't keep going when I start drinking.
I am looking forward to the day that 1 to 2 glasses is enough - and any more would not interest me.

I have been reading the posts this week about setting goals - and have set some for myself. (Thanks to those who posted about this - I got a lot out of it)
My goal in the next months is to get to safe drinking levels - which in the UK is 24 Units a week (for Men), and no more than 6 units in a single drinking session.
Once I get there (if I get here), I would like to start the journey of getting alcohol out of my life.
Like most on this board, I have a real love-hate relationship with the stuff - and if I could turn my back on it - without the constant 'what if' or daily cravings - then this would be a dream come true.
This is all a long way down the track - but it is some goals to head towards.
Good Luck to all on TSM.
6DIJ