Really encouraging report, Virginia.

If I understand you, I too find it a very odd sort of feeling to have something like two very different "conversations" going on in my mind at the same time.

Nick and PV, thanks for offering a better explanation.

Nick - you nailed it but I didn't recognize it as I was writing. It is falling out of love and I'm not sure I want to. Are normal people just friends with alcohol?

This is the first time that I am grateful for the slow cure rate - it's turning your world upside done and it takes time to process and accept. I believe Firebird wrote about this in more depth.

Just an analogy (right word?) that has happened to me.. It's always been important to me to look good, healthy and toned yet I nearly always carry extra pounds that keep me 1 - 2 sizes above my best look. I've gone through several phases over the years where I drop all junk food and step up the workouts and get to the ideal size. Then the fear hits - I don't want extra attention, I don't want to be perceived as 'showing off' - my mind just can't handle it so I begin the slips, eating more, justifying it..etc. This is similar to the fear I have of living without alcohol as a crutch and reason number 1,000 why AA would never work for me. If I am cured, my life will inevitably change.. will that change make me strong enough to reach other goals?

It's crazy but I'm almost hoping for nothing to change this week. What a difference from the beginning...

I can totally relate to what you are saying. Falling out of love with alcohol involves a variety of emotions. The more I think of it, it's a lot like leaving an abusive/unhealthy relationship. To continue with my "falling out of love" analogy, it's like you had the perfect, sexy mate and at first the sparks were flying like crazy. You were whipped in love, you thought of him constantly, the displays of public affection were overwhelming. You found yourself -- once perhaps shy about showing affection publicly -- french kissing at your child's violin lesson...

And then the abuse kicks in. You begin to realize that your mate, however sexy, may not be perfect for you after all. In fact, he/she is downright abusive; manipulating your mind, making you do or say inappropriate things that you wouldn't have said or done in your right mind, making you neglect critical matters that you would not neglect if your judgment wasn't rendered useless by alcohol.

And then, once you realize he/she has to go, you miss the romance, the spark, the displays of public affection, the FIREWORKS. Yes, you will miss those things, but as you pull away from the grip that is clouding your thinking, you will realize that yes, you are far better without that unhealthy relationship.

When I get scared at the thought of not drinking, I quickly get reassurance from the following facts:
(1) I can still drink when cured, but just not in an obsessional, unhealthy way and (2) I realize that any ambivalence I have about quitting this abusive relationship is the product of unhealthy/distorted thinking -- ask anyone outside of yourself if you are better off without alcohol as your best friend. The answer will be a resounding yes, I assure you.

So, I think your thoughts are entirely natural and common. I also think that as your addiction is reduced, your mixed feelings about giving up the abusive relationship will be reduced as well. Read the words of the cured: you don't see FB or Bob or Q sitting around thinking, "Boy, I sure miss the days alcohol controlled my every thought and made me behave like a jackasss." You won't either, I'm confident of it. In fact, I think you'll feel more like Firebird when he speculated what it would be like to be cured a few months back:

"And wow, I never noticed the color green before and boy, it sure is nice to walk around the city with my fly up."

quel prosaic

Just wanted to post after this weekend. Drank a bit on Friday and Saturday, trying to get to my happy, energetic, loving feeling place and it wouldn't happen. It just pissed me off because it didn't matter what I drank.. and it was so boring.. Sunday night, there was a half bottle plus one glass left and I was determined to finish it off. Had a glass with dinner, did the chores, sat down to read or get on-line with the remaining wine, drank half a glass and poured the rest back into the bottle. There was just no appeal...

So another Monday, feeling great yet missing something. I did my workout and increased my weights - in the past, Monday's have always been a struggle to get a workout in..or it's a really lame attempt.

In the beginning, I was so wanting the cravings to stop but couldn't imagine how it would feel. It's not what I expected. I need to get more AF days so that I can start really enjoying other activities - think that would help.

Virginia thanks for your words of support and introduction on my page.
It is good that you are seeing some changes - like with pouring the wine back into the bottle. Well done.
We are both at about the same stage and seem to be experiencing similar things.
I too had a big Friday and Saturday night - but Sunday I had Zero cravings for the first time - even though people were drinking around me. Quite amazing.
Hope it all continues to go well.
6DIJ

Have been taking some time to reflect on this journey and will post more on my 3 month 'anniversary' (9/25) but just wanted to note that cravings were pretty bad this weekend and after some level of progress, I was really disappointed. Managed to maintain control but drank more than I wanted to. The control only came because my pace has really slowed down - which is great - but still, I wanted to see the trend line on my graph go way down.. have started to get a little obsessive over the graph :0

Hi Virginia
I can understand your impatience and disappointment i know i found when i hit the 3 month mark i realised i had placed more emphasis on it that i would have acknowledged.
Regarding the spike- have a look at Bob's last post - he has done some pretty cute graphing and you can clearly see the spikes that happened for him around 15 weeks. You have seen enough evidence that the Nal is actually working to know that you are on your way.
Hang in there!

Hi Soulbythesea,

Was really caught up in the time thing and was hoping to avoid spikes. Even though it was a spike in cravings, I'm still happy that I didn't say anything to regret..

If it wasn't for this site, I would think TSM wasn't working because it's not following the timeframe in the book. I'm actually skeptical that cravings and the units consumed dropped so quickly for so many people. The unsteady, all over the place, progress here seems similar for so many people - it keeps the faith alive...

And Bob seems to be having quite the good life..

Week 13

It's so easy to let time slide and not pay attention to subtle changes - or big changes that you don't want to think about. There is no way that I'm cured - still have strong cravings, still sometimes sneak drinks but usually a half one, still have drinking on my mind too much, still don't say no to a drink if someone offers or just pours BUT..... I haven't gone to the depths of feeling horrible about myself and shamed over the loss or control or willpower for the last 4 - 6 weeks, I haven't made promises that I couldn't keep, I no longer feel guilty every night that I reach for a drink, I no longer race to finish so I can have my full share, I no longer stay with my drink obsessively - it can be in a room without me for awhile - the drama is gone, I haven't blacked out and struggled in the morning as the pieces come back, I haven't faked memories of conversations...

All this being said, my units have not dropped a ton, maybe 1 - 2 a week but not slamming drinks in a short time frame has made a huge difference. Also finding that while I strive for that AL high, once my brain accepts that it's not coming, drinking is boring and continues out of habit. Hoping that the habit will leave soon.

This week on the board has been filled with hope from the ones cured or close to it and sadness from the struggles of others - even though I haven't posted many responses, my thoughts are with everyone and I so hope that in a few months times, everyone is posting good news, whether it's a cure from TSM or an alternative. This fight with AL is heartbreaking and I wish none of us had to go through it.