I'm starting a new weekly progress thread since my old one said perpetually Week 2 and I'm now at the end of Week 9. Plus, September has always signaled fresh starts and new beginnings, and I'm certainly due for both. So if anyone is compelled to read from Day 1, my prior posts are out there in this forum under "Medicated and Motivated -Week 2" and also "New? Introduce yourself!"

To sum up, my first couple of months doing TSM have been encouraging but not earth-shattering. My drinking is down about 1/3 from where it had gotten up to during my most recent relapse that began the latter part oj June '13. So the good news is that there are very few days when I'm pouring a glass of wine instead of a cup of coffee first thing in the morning; and I'm generally in the 5-7 daily unit range, but the past couple of weeks I've had a few double-digit days in there, which is troublesome to me, but not unexpected per Dr. Eskapa and my own Dr.

I'm dealing with a lot of insecurity about where my life is headed, so that is stressful. After my relapse, my SO of 5+ years abandoned me when I asked him to take me to the Dr., where I had fully expected to go into rehab, at worst, or a medically-supervised detox/withdrawal at best. But instead, my doctor suggested The Sinclair Method and wrote a script for Naltrexone.

I took a medical leave of absence from my work at the same time, because the combination of burn-out from working 70-80 hour weeks with ever-decreasing staff resources, an increasingly dysfunctional/toxic work environment, the demise of the relationship, and my own failure to seek out a more balanced lifestyle, led to what may have been called a nervous breakdown in the past - to me it was more like a mental/emotional/physical implosion, like everything just said, enough. Resulting in a Perfect Storm of acute depression, which I've dealt with for more than two decades, but never like this. This has been near-catatonic, no motivation, mind-numbing, can barely do the laundry or bother to take a shower kind of depression. With a few exceptions, the only times I've left my house the past two months have been to go to the doctor, the grocery, and a few bike rides. Of course, adding drinking only fueled the depression.

You'd have never imagined that was me, even a year ago. I was highly regarded at my job, managed a creative team, was the one who could always be counted on to smile and be positive, had the beautiful boyfriend, was out and about, enjoyed fly-fishing, traveling, hiking, kayaking. A far cry from the isolated person I've become.

But that's a characteristic common to alcholics, right? We become so used to functioning at a high level, and keeping up appearances at all costs. This time, I finally reached my breaking point.

I have no intention of returning to my previous job. And with the BF out of the picture, there's nothing really tying me to this community, which, beautiful as it is nestled among lakes and mountains here in the Northwest, is also styfling in that everyone knows everyone. And right now I neither want to see or be seen. My son is in college, my other family lives elsewhere. I'm renting a house, having lost mine in the recession. So it's just me and the two cats. At least The Jeep's paid off - woo hoo!

As pathetic as I have made myself sound, I'm confident my Phoenix will rise again, that a whole new me is just around the corner. The opportunities are wide open. I'm very talented in my field, and am not worried about finding work, just about finding the right work, in the right place. Before my savings/insurance runs out.

It's going to take me awhile to get back to where I want to be physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - but I will. The first priority continues to be getting the alcohol numbers down. Getting a few AF days in there now and then. Upping the amount of physical activity to help with the depression. And yes, I'm on Wellbutrin, so we're adding Abilify to see if that jumpstarts the mood. Oh, I'll also be starting treatment for hypothyroidism; which could very well have been an organic cause of the depression, fatigue, and weight gain (let's hope so!). So other than that, just find a new job, or some steady freelance, figure out where to live, lose a couple of sizes, get a new BF, and voila - total life makeover, just like that.

I realize my trials and tribulations pale compared to the challenges others face; at least I have options within my grasp for changing myself and my situation. Now I just have to get out of my own damn way and into a whole new way of living. Come on, epiphany, you're welcome to strike at any time. The sooner the better!

This forum has been a great source of solace, support, and encouragement. Thank you for being here to witness my journey, and I wish you the best on yours.

To be continued.

Very happy to update my signature and to start this week with only 3 units yesterday; just over a half bottle of wine. Didn't really feel much of anything from that and it wasn't hard to put a cork in it, in fact kind of victorious to see a half-full bottle on the counter this morning. Much better than tossing one or more into the recycle bin. Went to bed relatively early, 10-ish, and slept well. Feeling good this morning with no hangover.

Beautiful day here in the Northwest, and looking forward to a productive day.

Oh Sheryl, it's great to hear you sounding so positive and hopeful. You're so fortunate to be able to start afresh in a new area if that's what you choose. New job, new home, new life...new you! By taking control of your drinking you've already taken the biggest step towards a brighter future. Kudos to you.

Sheryl,

You have a great outlook and an opportunity to reinvent yourself. So focus all your energy on the person you want to be and guess what? You will become that person! We all expect to see an AF soon!!!!

Rich

Ruthie & Rich,

Thank you - I appreciate the encouragement so much!

I had dinner with a friend last night and we split a bottle of wine, then I made a grocery run, and only had two glasses when I got home. so I'm feeling pretty good about that. Still looking forward to just saying Why bother? rather than having those couple of extra glasses, but it's better than polishing off a couple of bottles all by myself.

I've been crossing little projects off my lists and planning my road trip in a couple of weeks; really looking forward to a change of scenery/perspective.

Happy mid-week everyone!

Nice numbers WAL.

3,6,6 Keep it up. Your on pace for 35 what I would someday hope to be my goal. Try not and have that number buster day this week, that I always seem to fall into.

Sheryl,

You're doing great! Isn't it empowering when you can push the glass away and honestly say you've had enough!!!! ? !!!! I love that feeling.

Road trip sounds like fun! If you ever find yourself in the Maryland area let me know.

Have a great weekend!
Marianne

Christopher,

Thanks, yes, if I can stay in the 35/week zone and then start getting an AF day here or there, I'd be pleased. Hell, if I stay in single-unit days, I'll be pleased. So far looking good for that this week.

Marianne - I'm pretty much a Northwesterner but you never know! my upcoming job search could take me anywhere. It would be good to meet ip with a kindred spirit.

...

Today is my exBF's bday and he has been txting lately, and wants me to have dinner tonight. I haven't seen or spoke with him since July 7th, after a disasterous 4th of July weekend which led to seeking out my Dr. on July 9th and starting TSM - without the BF's support. He essentially just let me go, wouldn't even drive me to the clinic, saying he didn't sign up for this, another relapse. And by the way, could he have his favorite sweatshirt back? The harder truth is, he's been accepting my drinking off and on for 5+ years, and very much enabling it much of that time. But over the past year I've put on some weight, due to the unfortunate combination of drinking more and exercising less, and also untreated hypothyroidism. And so I think his breaking up with me (without ever formally doing so) was more about me not being the arm candy I once was, but jeez, I'm 54 yrs old, and at some point it has to be about more than that kind of surface level attraction.

I'm writing this down to remind myself that he wasn't there for me, and I'm sure he has more in mind than steaks. Problem is, I want the whole enchilada, as in a committed relationship, so dinner and sex would be a recipe for disappointment, at least for me, and I really don't need any more of that right now. Or am I making too many assumptions? Does he deserve a chance?

OK, so reading over that, I'd be a pathetic idiot to see him, right? Talk about emotional drinking triggers. But oddly I don't feel like drinking over it. Yet.

I'm feeling vulnerable and lonely, I guess. My morning started off in screams when my damn killer cat brought in a dead bird "present" for me, and then the other cat started wrestling him for it. I had to flail at them with the new oversized Williams Sonoma Home catalog so I could scoop up the poor little mess and shudder it out to the garbage. That made me feel tired of living alone.

But I'll be stronger for it. Living well is the best revenge. So they say.

Single digits! You're doing great.

I hope you made it through your ex-BF's overtures unscathed. That's tough, when you've been with someone that long, and they betray you, but you still have deep feelings. Whatever you decide about him, remember your commitments to yourself--TSM, rising like a phoenix, new life, road trip, etc.

Bummer about the bird-killing cats! I only have dogs now, so I don't get such "gifts." However, I recently learned that dogs have a greater overall negative impact on wildlife, including birds, than cats do--mostly scaring them off and disturbing habitat. Cheerful thought, huh?

My neighbors cat is declawed. My kids were in the neighbors pool with neighbors kids. The cat caught a bird in the yard nearby. They all screamed "Save the Bird Chris". No problem, declawed cat? I guess I never knew they only took the front claws. Bloody bloody arms, lesson learned.