I'm just going to dive in right where I am, midway through my 2nd week on Naltrexone.

I've posted elsewhere a bit and "introduced" myself, so my back story is out there...

I had a couple of tiny victories this weekend; yesterday only drank one bottle (5 units) of wine, granted that was all I had in the house. But normally I would have made sure to be stocked up or would have gone out no matter what time or my condition to get more. The last thing I need right now is to compound my life with a DUI.

2nd baby step victory, first glass of wine was tonight @ 7pm - that's tonight, not this afternoon or this morning. AND I unpacked and put away all the groceries BEFORE I uncorked it. Seemingly insignificant to "normal" folks perhaps, but a big deal to me. And from what I've read so far, there will be more than a few of you who relate.

The wine still appeals to me, no doubt. But i have slowed down and it's not nearly as compulsive. My goals are modest to start; if I can start stringing along a few days of single- digit imbibing (1-9 vs. 10+ or anything less than two 750ml bottles of wine), that will be progress.

I'm also dealing with acute depression which built up even over the past year+ when I was sober and so preceded this last relapse that started mid-June. I'm talking depression like took a medical leave of absence/can barely leave the house/getting out of bed is a victory type of depression. I don't want to paint a picture that's any worse than it is, and I'm convinced this is a major turning point in my life, that will hopefully lead not only to my Phoenix rebirth but to fame and fortune as well. Ok, I'm not quite that delusional. I'm writing on my iPhone and it's difficult to go back and edit so you're getting one-finger stream of consciousness.

I'm so blessed to be under the care of an enlightened doctor; he had me read the book and recommended these forums. I'm so glad he did; I'm going to need the support and benefit of your experience.

One question... Everything I've read is, um, fairly polite. Is that because of all the UK folks? Is swearing not allowed? I f--**## hope not! But if so, I'll behave, I promise. Even when discussing the ex-BF, aka the Convenient Buddha.

Happy Sunday, all!

Sh!t yeah!, don't hold back on our account! Swear as much as want.

Anyway, good luck with your trip. This is a lot of work, but it has worked for many people. Although I am not where I want to be, I know it has curbed my drinking a lot and it does give you better control in most cases.

Look forward to your progress.

Actually, I for one don't like the swearing so please keep in mind that we're not all like Dave!! And the moderators will keep the lid firmly in place if you get too rowdy.

That said I'm so happy you are raring to go and seem so hopeful. And I can understand about the depression - I remember last year sitting on the toilet seat sobbing my heart out for no particular reason, wanting to kill myself but lacking the oomph to get up and do anything about it. My depression seems to come and go but thank God this year I'm pretty good. It runs in my family.

I tried various meds but nothing worked very well....but time passing helped. Drinking sure does NOT help as you know. Just makes things so much worse. Then I became depressed and drunk!! Then depressed and hungover!!

I can't wait to read more of your story. Very impressive "tiny" victories so far. Hey - they are ALL victories!
Babs

Babs and Dave, thank you both for your encouragement... I'll 'keep a lid' on the swearing - exerting a bit of self-control in ANY area will be constructive.

My "week" starts on Tues., so today is the last day of my week 2. It's looking to end about the same, maybe down just a few units, as last week:
T:9, W:11, TH:12, F:13, S:5, SU:7, M:??

I'm not discouraged by that; it's much better than some of the 90-105 weeks I had pre-TSM.

Other positives:

I'm not driving under the influence.
I'm spending a lot of time reading up on TSM and on this board.
I have no appetite; yes, a positive as far as I'm concerned.
I took time to fix my hair yesterday and put on mascara so I wouldn't be so alarmed when I look in the mirror.
Depression may be easing a fraction, but still practically immobilizing, and yes, I know depression + alcohol only fans the flames.
I see the corner to get beyond the grip of both, just haven't quite turned it yet.

I actually wish it would rain. The relentless sunshine has been a constant reminder of how dark I let my narrow little world get and reinforces how pathetic it feels that I'm not jonesing to be out taking advantage of it.

I hate to be such a downer; until this most recent episode of acute depression/relapse, I've always been described as cheerful, smiling, spirited, blah blah blah. Truth is, like many alcoholics, I was highly functional and never wanted to show/ admit the pain; if I looked good, acted successful, was productive, I could pass for being like everyone else. But when too much work stress, depression, relationship breakup, relapse all converged into a Perfect Storm - I literally broke, spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally... And detached and isolated more and more. I will get back to being that vibrant, creative woman again. I have to.

I'm logging all this because this is where I can be brutally honest; and so I can look back (hopefully not too far in the future) and be as amazed at my own progress as I am by so many of your successes. I guess that's a positive projection.

Gee, writer, your post brought back so many painful memories for me. I used to hide in the house and peak out of the windows to make sure there were no neighbours around before I'd go get the mail - Depression is so weird. You can't "just cheer up." There are so many of us drinkers who have depression - I think they go hand in hand.

Were either of your parents alcoholics? I'm just now realizing where a lot of my craziness comes from through a book on Adult Children from Dysfunctional Families. Very interesting. It turns out I have recreated my parents marriage in my own marriage except I keep quiet while my mother used to fight with my father. It is finally occurring to me that I really don't like drinking and as it doesn't work to fix my problems I should just stop. So that's where I'm headed. I had another AF night today. I take about 1500 mg of GABA every 24 hours and I find it really helps keep my spirits up, and helps me sleep. But I don't take any prescription drugs.

Well, I won't bore you with any more of my stuff when you have so much on your plate. Just know there are lots of us out here who know what you are going through and hope you can have an upswing soon.

Yours positives list is impressive for only your second week. And the hair and mascara thing is the best sign there is!!!! That made me laugh because I do that too and it's always a good gauge of how I feel.

Babs

Babs, thank you. It's good to sense a kindred spirit. And you're an inspiring one.

Big victory today; I took my Nal at 2:30pm fully intending to just hang out and start drinking. Instead, I forced myself to go out on what turned out to be a 90-minute moderate bike ride- and the sunshine didn't melt me at all! I live in a truly exquisite part of the U.S.; good to be out in it.

I'll keep forcing myself to take positive steps; perhaps a bike ride in the morning rather than the heat of the day.

Though, in the spirit of full disclosure, I did enjoy the chardonnay after the ride.

PS no, no major alcoholics in my family. If my parents have a marguerita, that's a big deal, and neither of my two sisters over-imbibe. I'm the quintessential black sheep middle child.

I've just finished my week two, just a smidgeon down. And here's a stupid mistake I won't repeat.

In order to save a few dollars I bought the large 1.5 litre bottle of wine - twice the size of a normal 750ml. It wasn't bad for a chardonnay, actually. However, predictably, I didn't stop till 80% was gone. The 'off' switch nowhere to be found. So it was a 9 unit day instead of a hoped-for 5. I guess I need that act of opening a second bottle (or not) to keep to 1 bottle a night, which is not where I am yet, but what I'm working toward as a short-term goal.

On the plus side, I did the bike ride - a major step for me - and didn't start drinking til my home happy hour (5pm).

In my third week. My big accomplishments, so far having single-digit days, i.e. less than 10 units. And forced myself to exercise, 1-hr bike rides Mon./Tues. and Pilates today. And yet, when I was done with Pilates (I have a Reformer, a low-end home model, but still, does the job, especially considering how much my brain and body have atrophied this past year), I went on auto-pilot and opened a bottle of sulfites-free red wine. Still in process as I write.

Have to go to sleep early tonight; meetings with Dr. W. and my counselor Dave tomorrow morning. And a pedicure. Proof that I'm starting to care again.

"Single-digit days" have been sort of my first benchmark as well for "doing better" versus being "stuck in the rut" for the longest time. 10 drinks per night has been baseline for me since I was about 22, and I'm 28 now. Amazed that my body (and my liver especially) is still putting up with it. "Keeping it in the single digits" is a small victory, I guess. I'm working on #10 as I type this. No small victory tonight, but at least I remembered to take the pill an hour in advance.

On the baclofen-centric forum, I often used to close out my posts with "onward and upward." As in, onward with the effort, and upward with the dose. Seems inappropriate for TSM. The common catchphrase thrown around on that forum is "just keep taking the damn pills," or JKTTDP. I suppose we might need our own version of that. I don't really like Eskapa's
"DRINKING+NALTREXONE=CURE".