On the whole of it, -I couldn't be happier. That NAL worked, and I was a quick responder, incredible. I have a long list of all the improvements in my life (for example: I just got on the scale for the first time since NAL and I lost 20lbs without effort) and I would not go back for anything. And yet...

We humans have a pre-disposition to quickly purge all memories of bad experiences. All the nightmares, hangovers, memory loss, fear, worry, insecurity. I remember them now a bit as I type, but really, it almost seems like it never happened, -like it was never me. It wasn't me who fought for years never to have a drink BEFORE lunch was served (but mostly failed). It wasn't me who had to contemplate buying a commercial truck so I could transport a sufficient amount of alcohol to my home. The bad memories get purged oh so quick. But the good memories, -well, not so much.

Am I alone? I miss those endorphin-rushes sometimes. Not socially, -I never was much. But for instance, the joy of drinking in my rose garden when they are in full bloom. I don't have that any more. I love my roses still, and with NAL I can still drink with them, -but it's not the same.

I have always loved to cook, and I was very good at it. Of course, eating was always alcohol-related (I was what the book called a Mediterranean-style drinker), but I find now I have no love for food or cooking.

Any one know what I am feeling or trying to say?

It's all good, -but yet something's been lost.

I'd say that my whole year and a half experience of quitting drinking has caused a lot of thought similar to what you describe. I think most "good" things in life often are accompanied by deprivations one way or another. The best example being marriage / monogamy -- you get the benefits, but you have to give up the incredible sex you would have with new lovers. Marital love is "nice" and beautiful, but it's not as thrilling as having a variety of new lovers in and out of your life. Unfortunately, when it comes to alcohol, you have to give up some of the thrill to get the pleasures of stability and sanity.

Clarion,

I had the same feeling when I quit smoking in 1983. Thought I could never enjoy sitting outside on a break looking at the distance, without a cigarette. You mentioned being in the Rose Garden without ALC, to me it's sitting on the porch on a nice summer evening, and drinking SOMETHING ELSE.

I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol, thought it was a part of everything. Mostly days off, vacation days, days at the beach, camping, whatever. Seeing people with a few days off at a lake or somewhere without alcohol in hand was impossible to imagine.

After time though, and stopping daily drinking, and having those experiences AF, I discovered that mindset changed. Thank God !!
Now I can think going on a river outing, for example, WITHOUT DRINKING. Even sitting on the porch after working a lot, or relaxing has been found to be OK.

Still like to have a wine when out to dinner. I'd have a problem if I didn't do that anymore.

How long since you drank in those situations Clarion. Are you moderating or Abstinent ?

Guapo

I think I am saying or feeling something a little different. I was exactly as you say. I could not imagine doing ANYTHING without alcohol. But I am over that now, and I do everything without it. That's not what I am trying to express. I think before NAL I would have worried that I would feel nothing about my roses (in this example) without alcohol.

That's not true, I've learned. I like my roses just fine. And I take better care of them now.

But before NAL I could love them with the first couple of drinks, when the endorphins were released. Now, with NAL, drink or no drink, there is no love. Plenty of like, -but no love. No euphoria, I guess.

But I got to thinking last night after my comment that I have not stopped taking NAL. Not once. So perhaps when I finally do and go AF it might be different?

I am not AF. I went from a gazillion drinks a day to 2 glasses of wine with dinner. I landed at this level a month or so after NAL, and have been there ever since. Never drinking more, but afraid after 30 or 40 years to have an AF day. I don't sweat it much. But now I wonder if I am blocking some endorphins or some such?

Clarion, I also went from a gazillion drinks to one or two glasses of wine with dinner, but only two were three times a week now.

So I guess that means I have four or five alcohol free days every single week for the past four months. That's enough NAL free time, to keep my ENDORPHINS up for other things I enjoy like tennis, biking, playing music, loving, etc

I think Dr. Sinclair thought it was not good to take the naltrexone every day for that reason.

Anyways, I like having alcohol free day now, but starting out, I would've considered that concept absolutely ludicrous.

Plus, there's a certain joy in encountering and talking to people and knowing that I haven't been drinking, and I'm actually making perfect sense, and I don't have to worry about that AT ALL !! That alone makes me absolutely sure that I will never ever ever go back to over drinking.

I do keep noodling around on these sites, because I keep encountering interesting new ideas about the whole process, and it seems like everything is just an evolution in progress, in terms of understanding the whole journey.

Your initial post was right on the money though, I enjoyed reading it

Clarion, yes, you're "blocking endorphins," as that's the whole point. The naltrexone stays in your system for quite awhile, so you've at least had some level of it in your for however long you've been at this. You mentioned being "afraid" to go AF, but the only two things to be really afraid of are (a) withdrawals and (b) wicked insomnia. I would guess that any withdrawals you'd have would be mild if you can already drink just two. (b) is highly likely after decades of drinking, but you're going to have to eventually break through that barrier. (I did it with the help of my real sober pill, Benadryl).

Once you go Naltrexone / Alcohol free, a whole new phase in your life will begin. It's sort of like how smokers say, "I can finally taste food again!" Certain senses have been dulled by decades of alcohol abuse, and the Naltrexone has probably added a new dimension to all this.

From personal experience, it took me about 2-3 months totally AF before I started to really be able to feel completely "high" without alcohol (by "high," I mean something probably approaching your use of "love" versus "like").

Anyway, congrats on breaking the cycle, but I'd encourage you to dive in, spend a few restless nights without perfect sleep, and then start rebuilding your mind.

Not worried about withdrawal or wicked insomnia. I am past all of that now. Physically, I would have no problem with AF. It's a mental thing. I have't had an AF day in 30 or 40 years! I am afraid in a way I can't describe, but I smile as I type this about my "fear". Kinda like a blanket I guess. It will happen, and when it does, it just will.

I know all about the endorphin-blocking with alcohol and such.

But I am curious about endorphins and my roses. Actually, kind of an incentive to put my fear aside and try AF!

Hi Clarion,

I think that I understand how you feel about the roses. Alcohol, over the years, has been my muse off an on. I used to write and some of the best things that I've written were while I was drinking. I know some people drink to numb and not feel but sometimes drinking makes you feel more; it frees the inhibitions that you have that hold you back so that you sometimes feel ok about crying, dancing, and even feeling passionate love towards roses for instance.

My biggest fear about never drinking again is not ever feeling again the "positive" ways that I've felt before while drinking. Not that I've never experienced anything passionate, moving, or inspiring while not drinking but I just like it all and want it all.

I would love to become a moderate, normal drinker and still have all the pleasures of it without fear of losing control.

Best wishes

I get it too. I still get some enjoyment from alcohol (particularly a nice wine or specialty cocktail), but the aspect of it that was pure pleasure is gone. A cold lager on a roasting hot day is no longer as refreshing to me as a soda, and I'd just as soon drink water at even a nice meal out. Claudia Christian is really overselling the "drink like a normal person" angle; nothing about my relationship with alcohol will ever be normal.

But this is a really damn small price to pay for what TSM has given me. I think of it almost like penance: I spent many years letting myself down and letting down the people around me, and so I no longer get to enjoy a drink the way a "normal" person does. And that actually makes me feel good; I am willingly giving up something I loved in order to be a better person.

And Clarion: you'll be really surprised when you start having AF days. Drinking + nal days are critical for the cure, definitely, but when you start to experience what life is like with endorphins once again, you'll find yourself wanting more of that. When I started TSM I would look forward to days when I could drink and dread days when I had to be sober; now I grimace when I look ahead and see an event where I'm apt to drink. And more and more I'm choosing not to even drink at these events.

Yeah, I get that too. Sometimes I think I want a beer, and then I think about what nal+al is really like and decide I'd rather just enjoy the evening.