Hi Peeps!!!

That's what I use to call my AA friends, now I need some new peeps, it gets kinda hard out here with not many that understand what you're going through. I meet with some of my AA friends last night the first since I've been following TSM. This was the first I felt strong enough in myself to do so. I had a really hard time relating especially thinking what I am doing is wrong or that I am a failure and messed up! I never want to think this way about myself again, number one it is not true!!!

Anyways I am reaching out to try and find a friend that has gone through this and someone to talk to. Needing some support and guidance.

Here is my progress since I've started. The first number indicates my craving level 1 - 10, 10 being high, the second number is units. Mentally I am doing so much better, still working on getting better. My goal right now is to get the number of unit down into the mid 20's, and an AF day, haven't had one since I started. Setting a reasonable goal for myself and trying not to be so critical. Once this goal is met, setting an new one of 18 units or less. What is really encouraging for me at this point is that my cravings have went down substantially! I don't think about alcohol like I use to and it's not running my life. Big relief!!! Not chasing the bottle or thinking about it the first thing when I wake in the morning.

Average: 47 units week, drinking daily
Week previous to starting:
6, 12, 8, 4, 10, 7 = 47
Day One: November 19, 2011
Week 1: 25mg 7c/7u – 5/4 – 50mg 9/12 – 10/10 – 6/4 = 37c/37u = Scary Week
Week 2: 5/4, 9/12, 10/10, 4/5, 8/8, 3/3, 5/14 = 44c/56u = Scary Week
Week 3: 5/3, 3/5, 3/16, 10/3, 4/3, 5/8, 8/12 = 38c/50u = Scarier Week
Week 4: 6/12, 3/3, 5/12, 3/1, 3/2, 4/4, 5/5 = 29c/39u = Very Scary Week! The worst yet. Wild dreams, really sick, hearing voices, bad thoughts…
Week 5: 4/6, 2/6, 2/4, 3/7, 4/9, 3/5, 3/8 = 21c / 45u (37) everything will be ok…
Week 6: 3/6, 2/2, 3/4,

Hi Zippy

Welcome to the board! You will make lots of new online friends here. I too was in AA prior to coming here and still attend a womens group once a week where i help set up and arrange weekly speakers. I keep going because my ex-sponsor who also runs the meeting knows i have been doing TSM and is supportive. But i can't really talk about it to anyone else in the meeting so it is tricky. I still relate to what the other women say of course and have a foot in the door in case I decide to abandon TSM. After 1 year the jury is still out. I hope your experience is "better". Hopefully you are younger and that will bode well for an earlier "declared regained control."

So far it all sounds scary, so will keep my fingers crossed for you....

Cheers
Sticky

Thanks Sticky!

Boy it's too much for me to keep my foot in the door right now anyway. I can't handle all the questions and having to justify what I'm doing. I am so tired of feeling bad about myself especially when I have done nothing wrong. I have decided for myself to follow a different path. The group I'm in or was in run a hard line, you have to do what they do or you are a failure! B.S. I refuse to think this way anymore. No more fear, judgement, guilt, and shame for me. Just because I decided to pick up and actually enjoy myself! Never will I hide it again, chase the bottle the next morning, wonder how I got home, yada, yada, yada... I had to find something else, I am so grateful to have found this, I do believe it is going to work. It is and in no way shape or form is this comparable to how I was drinking before I went to AA. There seems to be such a fear surrounding "relapse" that you end up going off the deep end with your thinking before you ever get there. So your doomed right from the get go, if you pick up you feel like such a failure all you want to do is die. I've had to step completely back and re-evaluate the whole thing for myself.

Fortunately my boyfriend is very supportive and understanding. He's 10 years clean and sober, doesn't go to AA because of this. He stopped going about two years into his sobriety. He has no problem with me drinking or having it in the house, he is strong in knowing it's not for him.

I'm 49 living in Ann Arbor Michigan, my drinking got really bad after my father died 6 years ago. I've seen 3 years continious sobriety and 2, then fits and starts the rest of the time. The last time I picked up was a 3 day bash that landed me in the hospital nearly dead from alcohol poisioning. When I picked up this past September I'm not going to let it go there again, I haven't so far and I feel I have turned the rough corner. Now it's getting better and better everyday. I am so thankful there is another way and thank you doctors for all your hard work!!! And saving lives!

Smiles

Welcome to you, Zippy! That is an interesting dynamic, the 10-years sober boyfriend and I would think that would be helpful: you can talk with him and he will understand your feelings. But on the other hand, "talking" here on the forum is really (I think) the most helpful, because TSM is a strange process, and unsettling in the inconsistencies. Fortunately, there are people here in every phase of it, and they share their wisdom and experiences w/ us "newbies" (I'm in week 11). Anyway, welcome to you and plumb the threads at will - there is a wealth of information and inspiration here - lots of success stories. But it looks like you are off to a great start, already.

Chrissie

Hi!! Welcome to the board Zippy! I'm glad to see that you have seen a great success with TSM so far 0 just dont' be alarmed if your units and/or cravings crept back up in a few weeks- it's kind of part of the process. I hope that you keep posting and join our lovely little forum!

Hi ElectraLou!

Boy I hope not, if so I'll take it as it comes and do the best that I can. I haven't been feeling so good lately, upset stomach, having a hard time concentrating, kind of shakey, and feverish. Maybe it's the flu or virus, it's upsetting my thoughts. I have been working on my sales profile for work this past 4 months and a lot of it is building your self esteem. Which is a really good thing to be working on right now, from my experience the TSM process has set my spirits in arye. I have been taking too many sick days too, this has me worried. I love my job and the people I work with I don't want to loose it. Plus I can't afford to! I have to keep pushing forward looking for a better tomorrow.

Thanks for being here!

Hi Zippy

I really admire you and your boyfriend giving this a go. He must be a rock to support you thru this (just like my hubby, but he is not a recovering alcoholic.) I so know what you mean about feeling like a failure in AA. I stuck with the "winners" (years of sobriety) only to feel totally useless (& sometimes suicidal) when I relapsed. My ex-sponsor is different in that she is supportive and is now just a good friend as I am not working the steps any more.
I'm 50 so we are close in age. I'll watch your progress and hope for your sake it is more rapid than mine. Meanwhile have fun!!

Cheers
Sticky

Hi Zippy,

I started TSM on Nov.22 so you're a little ahead of me. At first my cravings and intake were way down (almost 3 wks). "I" called it sober, for me anyway because I never got drunk or felt much. The Nal really changed things. I was kinda of bummed because I didn't get a buzz at all and the wine didn't taste good, so I thought what's the point of even drinking it? I even thought about having a drink without the Nal just so I could feel that familiar old buzz (I didn't). I suppose this shows that the cravings were still pretty strong.
I kept having a couple drinks because I wanted to work on the extinction process. I had some difficult side effects and never went up to 50 mg; in fact I cut down to 12.5 mg because I didn't know if I would continue with the bad side effects taking place.

It was all kind of catch 22; if I took the Nal, I didn't sleep well or have much energy and if I didn't take the Nal I would probably binge, get a hangover and have no energy, so I stuck with Nal. I was in the middle of finals at school and I am doing personal training and a yoga teachers training course and need energy!

About 3 1/2 weeks into TSM I reverted back to the old behavior of starting to drink and not stopping until I went into a blackout and had the bad hangover, just wishing I could disappear from myself. I was shocked because I thought "this doesn't happen to me anymore if I take my NA", but it did. This has gone on for a total of 3 binges, now with an AF day and forcing myself to have a glass of wine last night with NAL to test it out and prove to myself that I wouldn't binge. I have no idea what to expect now. According to reading on this website, I should expect ???everyone's different. It appears to be typical for people to reduce intake then spike up after the "honeymoon" and my behavior falls into this scenario.

Well I'm afraid now. Afraid to drink and afraid not to drink and afraid that I will drink anyway!!!!!

We're on a similar timeline; it sounds like you are looking for support and so am I, so we can message back and forth if you are interested. What are your plans for Christmas?

Annette

Hi Annette!

"Well I'm afraid now. Afraid to drink and afraid not to drink and afraid that I will drink anyway!!!!! "

Funny!

I hate being afraid, the biggest thing TSM has done for me so far is taken away that fear. When I was going to AA and I picked again up after two years sober I didn't want to fear to get the best of me. I think that's why so many go over board if they pick up again letting the guilt shame and fear take them over.

My experience now is so different, I no longer feel like I need alcohol to get me through the day or any situation. Never could have alcohol in the house I would always drink everything up. Now I have have beers in the frig for over two weeks! This use to never happen.

I don't have children, planning on a quite Christmas day at home with my boyfriend. I feel funny having a boyfriend at 49 years old. Christmas eve I'm going over my boyfriends brothers house then Midnight Mass. The day after Christmas his sister is having the family over. I'm really going to get to know his family, we met last May, I really like him.

Have to go for now! Hope to talk soon.

Welcome Zippy. Glad to hear the Nal is having a good effect for you. A very good sign.

Enjoy the holidays!