I haven't posted in a while. I've been quite busy with some projects and haven't felt the need or desire to report on my comings and goings. Things are pretty much status quo, although my levels appear to continue to drop. It is still work to not drink. Two weeks ago my wife and I spent a weekend at a marriage retreat and I couldn't stay sober for the entire weekend. I managed to sneak out and have a few quick belts before the big dinner on Saturday evening and then came home on Sunday and did the same thing. Don't know why, other than the fact that I am an alcoholic. It is truly a baffling condition. To a large extent I do not enjoy drinking any longer, yet there is still that stimulus-response mechanism built into my brain that make me want to do it. No, compels me to do it!

I have been consistently managing 4 days AF during the week. I have yet to get to 5 days AF in a row or in a regular week (Monday through Sunday). I'm hoping this is the magic week that I get over that hump. The thoughts (mental cravings, so to speak) are still there, but do seem to be diminishing ever so slightly with each passing week. I am coming up on 1 year with TSM at the end of April. If you would have told me that it would take a year or more when I started TSM, I think I would have taken a different route (abstinence perhaps). Even though I am not cured, I feel that I am closer to my goal of sustainable abstinence than I ever was when I was in AA. Thanks for reading!

Slow and steady wins the race. Congratz on your continued progress.

You took nal, waited an hour, then snuck out to drink? And again on Sunday?

Just checking.

Yup. I followed protocol. Sunday was back at home.

Side Effect. Thanks for the encouragement.

I can see why you'd sometimes feel discouraged at not being one of the quick cures, but look at your numbers. They're steadily dropping. Except for that wk 31-35 period, each period has been lower than the one before. Right now you're having an average of a little less than four per day.

My guess is that, at this point, you're not so much worried about the quantity as about certain behaviors like furtive drinking. If so, I wonder if it would make sense to tackle those from a new angle.

Hmmm.... I've heard of furtive glances, but furtive drinking? I guess that is my MO, so to speak. All consumption is done furtively. That word sounds very odd when used in that context. You are right regarding the quantity. It is becoming less and less of a concern. This week was again down. Actually it was down to 15, and Sunday (today) was almost an afterthought. I almost made it through the day, but I had some supply left over from Saturday and couldn't let that sit undisturbed. Another week with four AF days. Weeks 31 to 35 were between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I will have to discount those quite a bit. One week was in the 70 range during that period so that skewed the numbers quite a bit.

I'm not concerned about the furtive nature of my drinking if I take it in context of the ultimate goal of being AF. I have always assumed that I was working towards a goal and that any efforts (within reason) that advanced that goal were OK. I still feel that way, especially considering that I am making continual progress. If I were doing this without that goal in mind or if I wasn't making progress towards that goal then I would be concerned about my behavior.

What is and has always been of concern is the drinking thoughts that continue to haunt me and that I have not been able to manage. I have heard so many horror stories of good people with long term sobriety that went off the deep end after decades and ended up as a statistic. That scares me and that is why I chose to pursue this method. It was the hope that those thoughts would go away over time by practicing TSM. I finally feel that I am close to that reality, although it has not been at all what I expected.

At this stage my attraction to alcohol can more be described as disdain. With each passing week my desire to drink shifts further and further towards indifference. That is not at all what I expected. I expected something more sudden. More along the lines of a switch being flipped in my brain by the medication. I might be overlaying those AA stories of people that were touched by the hand of God and their cravings magically disappeared one day. That never happened for me in AA nor has it happened with TSM. But I am now certain that my mental attraction/connection to booze is slowly being extinguished. As sideeffect said, "Slow and steady wins the race." Patience has never been a strong suit for me, but fortunately I am not one to give up. In other aspects of my life that has been a handicap, but it is serving me well in this regard. Thanks for your concern.

Yeah, that AA stuff can make us think weird things.

Some of those stories aren't true. The AA rumor in my hometown was that I was dead. I was not actually dead.

I can't tell you whether or not the thoughts will go away. I hope they do, since they're bugging you. Even if they don't, though, they might turn into more of a nuisance than a real problem. Stray thoughts don't necessarily have to affect our attitudes, much less our actions.

Hang in there. We're all rootin' for ya.

It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted here. I had a bit of a surge in consumption the week before last. Having St. Patty's day on a Monday does not make for a productive start to the week. I only managed one AF day that week and went over forty units for the first time in almost three months. Sh**! If I start the week without an AF day I think momentum is moving in the wrong direction and it's difficult to slow down

The good news, and I promise you there is good news, is that I managed 5 AF days in a row last week! I haven't done that since I started TSM and probably not since the summer of 2012. Remarkable, that's all I can say. And a miracle as well. I do think the behavior patterns are slowly changing for the better. I am finding it somewhat easier to get through the week without drinking and it certainly makes the week easier to manage. I do have to get away from drinking on Sunday as it makes Mondays very challenging. Overall the numbers won't continue to drop unless I either go AF more days or change my consumption patterns. If my overall goal is to be AF then I think I should continue to pursue more AF days and maybe stop looking at this on a week to week basis.

The thoughts are still there, but I am finding that if I really think about what it feels like to drink on NAL rather than my romantic notion of what I think it will feel like, I can push those thoughts into the background. Drinking on NAL is not that enjoyable any longer. Maybe it never was. So far the best thing for me has been changing my routine so I don't have as much free time during my danger hours in the late afternoon/early evening. Have a great week!

Sounds like you are continuing to do well. The occassional blip here and there is ok if it acts as a reminder of what you don't want. 5 AF days in a week is what you've been striving for, so congrats on that! If you've done it once, you'll do it again.

Well, I managed another five AF days last week. As the slogan says, "you've come a long way, baby." I had an interesting day yesterday. My mother in law is in town. That always makes for exciting times. Yesterday afternoon we went over to my sister's house for dinner. Normally I would have to drink before going and then I would look for a reason to go out and get some more while there or would raid (furtively, as Melissa would say) my sister's bar. I truly think this goes back to my childhood. For some reason I am like a cat on a hot tin roof around family gatherings. I can't sit still and feel like I need booze to settle me down. I was the youngest child (by a decade plus) and having been around a lot of drunk, unhappy people that didn't really get along when they drank has ingrained in me a certain amount of uneasiness.

Well, yesterday I made a point of not drinking before going over there. And, lo and behold, I had a wonderful time! More importantly, I didn't think about leaving or about my sister's bar once. Holy Sh**! Miracles do happen. Maybe if I don't set the train in motion it doesn't gain the inertia and I will avoid the whole nasty mess. This weeks goal is another five AF days. I have to keep telling myself that I need to take baby steps. Have a great week everyone!