Hi Hess,

I always read your thread with great interest and appreciation. I see so much progress in you! You sound very energized to make 2012 a great and truly NEW year for yourself. I can relate to wanting to put most of 2011 in a deep grave with a heavy stone on top. Recently I got some great coaching on how to deal with past events or actions, which maybe you'll find helpful too since you are in the mode of assessing the past year as well as making goals for 2012:

1) divide a piece of paper into two columns. In the lefthand column, write down everything that happened in the past...the good, the bad and the ugly, including your actions, characteristics, events and incidents.

2) Know that whatever is in the past, is past. You can't go back and change anything. But (this was an eye opener to me) you DO have to accept everything unconditionally--even the negative stuff--in order to make changes. For instance, say that you are habitually late and this has caused problems for you...in order to change or let go of this behavior, you say something like, "Yes, I have been in the habit of being late a lot, and I'm okay with the fact that that was the case." It's forgiving yourself which is a step that cannot be skipped. For the good things that happened, the succcesses, you tell yourself, "That worked, that was great, I did that just right...and I'm going to bring THIS part of the past with me into the future."

3) In the right hand column, you write down what you're going to keep doing or being, what you're going to let go of or change, and what you're not going to do a damn thing about. Voila, there are your goals for 2012, listed together with a healthy celebration of victories and things you can be proud of, as well as a liberating list of things you just don't need to worry about or think about any more. Sometimes this last class of past events can be the most freeing...for example I decided for myself that I didn't have to do anything about a major clusterf#*k at a dead-end job that happened last year. It was a bad environment for me, I did the best I could, and I didn't succeed. So what...it's done...I don't even waste my time having a judgement about it any more.

I hope, alongside the goals you set for 2012, you can look back on what you have accomplished and celebrate the very significant positive changes you've made in your life through TSM. Your family sounds like they are enjoying and appreciating what you are doing even though they don't know what it is...how great is that, that you have been able to reduce their anxiety and worry to such a degree?

By the way, this recent stage that you've been describing, where there has been some revisiting of old behaviors, sounds like a phase that many of us have been through (or, in my case, am still in). I am hoping that it IS a definite phase (I am in the fourth or fifth week or so of the backsliding blahs) and that I will have the energy to apply myself anew to this process.

I am hopeful that I am coming out of the tunnel by observing the fact that I am beginning to post again on others' threads because of being so inspired by heroic honesty. So THANKS for the inspiration Hess!! I know you are going to get everything you want out of TSM and life in general.

Deja

I'll be happy to put 2011 behind me as well, Hesster. I wish you the best of luck starting anew! And I had an incredibly unhappy but sober new year's - I also decided that after a few disasterous NYE's I was going to take this one easy. It's just too dangerous of a night for me, AND it's not usually fun. Good luck with work and school and trying to rein in the alcoholic beast...we're all rooting for you!

Hi all - thanks so much for all the support! I really don't think I can say that enough...participating on this forum has been such an integral part of my recovery, and I can't believe it's been over four months (sweet Jesus, time flies).

Deja - as soon as work slows down today, I'm going to go through your steps and see what I come up with. I had a bit of a meltdown last summer and went through a similar exercise that ultimately led to me finding TSM, so maybe I'll end up finding something else (whatever that may be) that sparks a sea change. Thanks again for your post!

Week 18 is in the books, and it was a...weird week. I had 3 effortless AF days (one of which was a Friday), but when I was throwing back the surly sauce, I was throwing back a lot of it. I'll issue the usual disclaimer here - most of my drinking this week was circumstantial, rather than compulsive (and I didn't cheat on the Nal this week, so at least I have that going for me).

Monday was the New Years holiday...and the Rose Bowl, so what would typically be an AF day was spent crushing Leinenkugels with Midwestern surlies (we watched the game at a Wisconsin bar in Boston...yes this actually does exist).

On Wednesday, my alma mater hosted the number one ranked basketball team in the country (which happens to be my dad's school), so the whole night ended up being quite an event, complete with a fancy pre-game dinner and the ceremonial drowning of sorrows after the game (well, for me at least). I think I may have mentioned it here, but my dad has stopped saucing again to lose weight (which worked like a charm for him last year). He does this almost effortlessly...which is amazing. I highly suspect that I got my genetic predisposition for boozing from his end of the gene pool, so to watch him turn off his drinking without any trouble at all is pretty impressive*.

*My dad has always loved to throw back a few, and growing up, I remember him always having a glass of wine at dinner and a cocktail next to him on the couch when the night was winding down. Despite this, I have never seen my dad drunk.

I stumbled upon an iPhone app that helps you track your drinking throughout the course of the night, and calculates your BAC, so I used it for the first time over the weekend. It's definitely not the most discreet application (you physically drag and drop pints of beer [or whatever you're drinking] onto a timeline), but it does the trick. Saturday featured another basketball game, and a long night of pounding 'Gansett pints. I didn't feel particularly drunk or out of control at all, but when I reviewed the application the next day, I had put down 11 pints over 11 hours. Yikes! I suspect that if I had this drink tracking app all along, my numbers posted here would be much higher (I likely have been low-balling the heavy nights).

On Sunday, I had a date up in Boston, so it was an interesting experience spending the entire day drinking with someone who wasn't one of my surly buddies. My date actually drank more than I did (despite the fact that she is tiny), and at no point did I catch more than a hint of a buzz. I hit a big trigger when I got back to RI though - a new season of Californication. This is one of my favorite shows, as the protagonist is a highly alcoholic but ultimately charming dude. I used to get sh*tfaced and rewatch episodes until the wee hours, and last night ended up being one of those nights. There are so many beautiful women on that show...what I wouldn't give to be a casting director.

Mon - 8.82
Tues - AF
Wed - 9
Thurs - AF
Fri - AF
Sat - 14.63
Sun - 9.66

Total - 42.11

One thing that I'm definitely noticing lately is that Nal hangovers are killing me. I was always one of those people that could generally function when brutally hungover, but for the past month or so I have been entirely useless the next day (I'm typing this after showing up 2 hours late for work...I can hardly see straight). This may be the result of getting older, or it may be the Nal...but the bottom line is that I'm getting some serious negative reinforcement where there once wasn't much. I think this is a good thing?

Thankfully, I have nothing planned this week, so I fully intend on stringing together a few AF days to start it off. The upcoming MLK weekend is going to be a complete sh*tshow, so I might not even bother trying to track units. Basically, 8 college buddies are descending on NYC for three days of weirdness. Combined with playoff football, the event has the makings of an absolute trainwreck. We will surely be honoring the good doctor with staggering amounts of booze and debauchery. I hope no one is arrested/dead come Monday morning.

That's it from me this week - thanks for reading!

-H

Hi all,

Just got caught up on everyone else's threads - the TSM'ers were very active over the long weekend. Lots of good stuff out there and quite a few new faces.

Week 19 is wrapped up, and while my numbers dipped back down into the 20's this week*, I still feel like I'm experiencing the "blah" stage of TSM. I managed four AF days without any trouble (and my second Friday in a row), but I've noticed that cravings have returned a bit (nothing too concerning) and I sauced pretty heavily over the weekend in NYC with a bunch of buddies. I'm having trouble even attempting to piece it together into any sort of narrative form. My brain is mush.

*Truth be told, I actually tracked pretty loosely this weekend, since it was complete chaos and I was focusing on my surroundings more than what I was drinking. I need to continue using the iPhone app and make it a habit.

Saturday was spent crushing craft beers in Brooklyn (which I had never visited before, and really liked) before converging on Manhattan with a surly force to watch the Pats game. I was drinking at a pretty good clip, but noticed that I wasn't lapping everyone like I used to. I felt like a normal dude...which is good. The end of the night got a bit blurry, but I remember a pretty righteous dance party breaking out and participating in what I can only describe as "subway ninja gymnastics." I ended up waking up on the Upper East Side again (same girl from my last few NYC adventures), and promptly spent the morning wrapped around the toilet puking* up something that resembled green beans...despite the fact that I had not eaten green beans the previous day. No idea how this is possible.

*Pre-TSM, I very rarely got sick due to drinking, yet this was the third time in four months that I've booted while drinking on Nal. I'm still not sure if this is due to my weakened tolerance or the medication...but it is not pleasant, and I looked like some sort of hipster zombie on Sunday morning.

Despite feeling like death, I managed to rally and meet up with everyone else for brunch back in Brooklyn. I immediately regretted ordering sausage and biscuits, as the gravy shared a startling resemblence with the mess I had been vomiting up all morning (charming!). We bar-hopped around Park Slope to watch the Giants game, and ended up back on Manhattan for some Sunday Funday action. The bar we were at was perfect - the highlights being drinking games, an epic dance party, my buddy booty-dropping on a random 50-year old couple, and some crazy old dude we nicknamed Fracois Stallone...it was just a whirlwind of surliness. I loved it, but can see why NYC becomes so exhausting if every day is spent like this.

Everyone surivived the weekend and no one was arrested...so I guess it can be considered a victory.

Mon - AF
Tues - 4.66
Wed - AF
Thurs - AF
Fri - AF
Sat - Estimating 12
Sun - Estimating 10

Total - 26.66

I'd write more, but am I still not even close to recovered from the weekend and can hardly form a coherent thought. How did I used to live like this every day! I'm on-call this week, so (thankfully) it should be pretty tame.

Thanks for reading!

-H

Hey Hess. Great reading about your adventures in NYC. That city is something else, that's for sure!

When I was in my third or fourth month in TSM, I remember being blindsided by how very severe the hangovers started to become. Really dibilitating. My thought processes were skewed and my motor skills were slow and I felt a depth of misery that I hadn't recalled experiencing pre-TSM.

An old-timer on this forum has a theory that he shared with me that I believe might be true. Naltrexone, as you know, is dulling our endorphine rush. Endorphines then are depleted the next day as welland those little endorphines probably helped us feel better through our hangovers in times past when we did not have Nal in our system. At least they cushioned the blow.

Make sense?

We are tampering with the reward and "feel good" chemistry in our brain so it is logical to see that the effects of lacking endorphins would cause trecherous hangovers the next day.

I am in the same boat, but I am chugging right along and racking up several AF days up here in Fairbanks. The job demands it, kiddo.

Glad you are safe now after your big-city excursions.

BUT...the $64,000 question is: Are you safe from yourself?

Warm regards,

Ketchikan1

Hi Ketch - good to hear from you, and I'm super excited about how things are going for you in Fairbanks.

That's an interesting theory on the endorphin depletion lasting through the following day and contributing to the bad hangovers. I could certainly see this being a factor, but I think my hangovers have gotten so brutal because I am drinking less, and drinking less often. I equate it to running medium distances a few times a week, and then feeling sore/miserable the day after attempting a half marathon because my body is not properly prepared to handle that distance.

Speaking of half marathons, Heavy Fuel has inspired me to declare some goals for 2012 on this forum...

1.) Stop being a lazy sh*t at work, and finish up the projects that I've fallen behind on.
2.) Get out of RI by the summer. Possible destinations are: Chicago, Austin, NYC, the Pacific Northwest...in that order. Obviously, I would have to get a new job in one of these cities first.
3.) Finish up my masters on time.
4.) Gain 10 lbs of muscley goodness.
5.) Learn how to hit/throw/field a softball, throw a football properly and make it through 18 holes on a golf course (one of my great regrets was not getting into sports when I was a kid).
6.) Win the Battle with the Surly Sauce by the end of the year (or at least put myself within reach).
7.) Play the bass like the dude in this video, complete with sychronized dance moves: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8s9HS4h2IM

These are all completely reasonable (except for 7 - ha), and I'm feeling good about my chances if I can just put some effort in.

-H

Love your list too, Hess. I lived in Chicago and totally dug it. What a great town.

Your exceptionally vivid post of NYC antics is still with me.

I find that as I ratchet down the numbers, the times I overdo it hit me harder the next day. So many people have spoken of the nal hangover as a positive disincentive in their TSM process.

Hi Hess! As an NYC-er I can attest to the fact that the city can get pretty exhausting, esp when you're with a partying crowd sounds like you did pretty well all in all.
I second you on the nal hangovers, but I don't just think it's getting older and having a lower tolerance. As you and everyone on this board may remember, nal makes me puke, both during and after drinking alcohol, with an alarming frequency not entirely related to amount. I suspect there is something particular to nal that makes the alcohol revolt in your stomach all the more...

As always, thanks for the support EL and Tiller.

I've made it through 20 weeks of TSM, and the rollercoaster ride has continued to climb a bit. I struggled through another 40+ unit week, and the combination of Nal hangovers and the high intake is starting to take physically take its toll on me (I look awful when I'm hanging). AF days continue to come pretty easily, although this has been the case ever since I started TSM (don't get me wrong - this was an awesome immediate effect). What I really need to work on now is paring down the big nights, as I've had a lot of them lately. It almost seems like I'm either AF or 10+ units of surly sauce. I'm rarely having days where I'll have a few bevs and that's it*.

*A quick glance shows only 2 sessions of <5 units over the past month.

I'm hoping this "blah" phase is just my drinking brain making one last ditch effort to re-establish itself before dying a slow, horrible death complete with a satisfying death rattle. I need to remember that I've come a long way, and I'll continue to just let the treatment work in the background. Sometimes I think I get too caught up in the numbers and stress myself out. I gotta let the magic work.

Notables from Week 20 featured another instance of cheating on the Nal. Gahhh, when will I learn??? This subsequently led to a long night spent POUNDING spiced rum and watching old tv episodes on OnDemand. I was so disoriented the next morning that I showed up to work 3 hours late.*

*This was also the day that I wrote my entry for Week 19...I think it's pretty clear that I was hurting while typing it up.

The weekend was a bit of a sh*tshow. The coworkers and I had a Frosty Friday session that ended up with a bunch of us watching Louis C.K. standup (awesome...and kinda heartbreaking) at a buddy's basement bar. When I got home, I was feeling a little buzzed but otherwise ready to call it a night. The show that I was watching while winding down featured a ton of wine drinking, which ended up being a bit of a trigger* for me...and led to night of saucing while watching old episodes until 4:30 am. I'm going to chalk that one up to a trigger that I haven't dealt with yet and move on.

*I get this sometimes when I see people smoking on tv too.

Saturday was another losing basketball effort for my alma mater, which was followed by some post-loss craft brews. Very reasonable night.

Sunday however....oh boy. Playoff football meant that everyone wanted to get started early and surly. I took the train up to Boston (perhaps my only smart decision of the day) to watch the Pats game with a bunch of buddies up in the Kenmore area. The whole afternoon/evening was a complete blur. The game was so tense, and the Delerium Tremens (delicious) was flowing. After a delirious Pats victory most of my responsible friends limped home to regroup instead of watching the following Giants game. My roommate and I decided to stick around and continue saucing since we were taking a late train back home. The ensuing hours were nothing sort of sloppy. My roommate lost his jacket* and blamed the theft on another dude at the bar. This led to a drunken argument and we were subsequently asked to leave (my friends get us kicked out of more bars than you can imagine).

*A kinda funny wrinkle to the night - he was forced to face the winter elements in nothing but a Tom Brady jersey...no undershirt.

Undeterred, we quickly found another bar, and met a plucky young Giants fan that quickly took a liking to yours truly. She ended up buying us a bunch of shots (terrible idea), and the rest of the night soon devolved into a haze of buffalo wings, football, cigarettes and a public makeout session for the ages (I swear I didn't instigate this one!). I had enough sense to catch the last train back to RI, so at least a potential logistical disaster was avoided. In the past I would've woken up at the girl's place having peed myself (no way I would've made it in to work). Progress.

Mon - 9.83
Tues - AF
Wed - AF
Thurs - AF
Fri - 11.66
Sat - 8
Sun - 12

Total: 41.5

I'd really like to get myself out of the 40's, but this is what I'm working with right now. I'm not going to force myself to lower totals for the sake of lowering totals. I'm just gonna relax and let the treatment do its thing.

I will say that I feel a little bit triggered to drink tonight (drinking because I feel sh*tty about drinking the night before is certainly a big trigger for me, but one that hasn't crept up in awhile). I'll see how I feel when I get back from the gym...it might be worth having a few and relaxing, since my moderate drinking sessions have been so scarce lately and tonight it should be easy to keep from overdoing it.

Anyway - thanks for reading, and thanks for letting me vent a bit!

Go Pats.

-H

Hey - this realy stuck out at me: "It almost seems like I'm either AF or 10+ units of surly sauce. I'm rarely having days where I'll have a few bevs and that's it".
This was my pattern for the majority of my time on TSM. Things have only shifted within the past month or so (I at week 41? something like that...), where now I almost always only have 1-2 drinks, sometimes 5 on a big night; maybe 8 on an exceptionally big night once a month. I say this because I think that the AF and binge cycle was definitely a growing pain in my progress, but I DID get past it (for now...lol).
Good luck!